


in some sad way i already know

by crystallizedkingdoms



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: + an optional Bad Ending, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 110,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22407223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystallizedkingdoms/pseuds/crystallizedkingdoms
Summary: Avi doesn’t expect to end up taking in the campus ghost named Johann as his new roommate in an attempt to save his life, but hey, college is already weird as shit.
Relationships: Avi/Johann (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 30





	1. i had a thought, dear

**Author's Note:**

> please ignore how terrible this chapter is omg i promise it gets better that’s a literal promise. also yeah i used hozier lyrics for a title who do u think i am? john green?

All colleges have that one stupid ghost story circulating across campus. Stories of some kid who died on school grounds, haunts the halls, messes things up, blah blah blah. Nothing but bullshit, right? Ghosts aren’t real. Whatever afterlife you believe in, they did their jobs correctly, didn’t they? Those types of stories were just childish, like, who could even believe in that stuff when they’re in college? Avi certainly didn’t. The story was as dumb as it gets: some orchestra kid died in the fire that took down the college in the early eighteenth century, and that he still can be seen in the old, abandoned orchestra room and his violin is heard in the barren campus just an hour after the sun would set.

 _So dumb,_ Avi thought every time he heard it. Sure, he heard the faint sounds of a violin playing whenever he stayed a little too late, but obviously it was either some poor kid trying to practice or some douchebag trying to scare others. The blurry photos seen in a couple videos trying to debunk the whole phenomenon were obviously edited. Just a dumb, stupid story with absolutely no way it could ever be real. A ghost story some person made up on a whim couldn’t fool Avi.

He proved his point by studying in the old, burnt down building with the orchestra room where the ghost had been rumoured to have died in after his friends teased him for being scared. Childish, yes, but Avi wasn’t one to turn down a challenge. The building was nearly untouched ever since the actual burning centuries ago; the college having more important things to worry about, but there had been speculation of a renovation. It took a little time to get through the warning tape that no one ever listened to for Avi to get into the orchestra room, but once he got there, he struggled to hold back a coughing fit. Ash and dust covered the room, a piano in the room’s front with old, broken chairs and instruments scattered along the floor. 

No ghost in sight. _Obviously._ Avi didn’t hesitate to grab a chair stable enough to not collapse under his weight and sit down. He took his phone out to snap a quick selfie of himself with the caption, “Suck it, Maggie,” as evidence to send his friends, then grab his laptop to work. The room was nice, he came to realize as he got used to the small of ash. Sure, it was a little too warm inside for an autumn afternoon, and _maybe_ it was weird that the room got quiet enough for Avi to hear his own heartbeat, but it gave a calming feeling. Extremely calm. Calm. Avi felt his eyes fluttering close, even when he fought it, and he—

Avi jumped when he felt something _burning_ brush past his shoulder, snapping him awake. _What the…_ The room wasn’t that hot. “Fuck,” he laughed it off, “it’s like the whole place is burning down again, huh?” Gripping his laptop, Avi got back to work, ignoring the sweat that rolled down his neck to his back. However, he couldn’t brush anything off when he both felt and _saw_ the front of his hoodie get yanked by some invisible force, nearly pulling him and his laptop off the chair. His skin filled with goosebumps, his breath got caught in his throat. _I have to be sick or something…_

Another tug at his hoodie and Avi felt its shaky grip, desperation thick in the empty air. He set his laptop on the seat next to him and stood up, looking up into the air, “What do you want? Am I just hallucinating this shit myself?” The invisible tug started pulling harder, trying to lead him somewhere, and Avi let himself get dragged to wherever this force wanted to take him. _Can’t believe I’m this desperate to do anything other than work_ , he thought to himself as he moved towards the front of the room. The pulling stopped when he was in front of the dusty grand piano. It was ancient, scorch marks left along its wooden frame, but it was one of the few instruments that looked to have survived the fire. 

A lonely violin rested on the seat of the piano. It had the similar markings of a long-gone fire on its wood, and Avi could almost smell a stronger scent of fire and smoke coming from these two instruments. There was a small nudge from the violin, moving towards him, and a yank of his right hand. “You want me to pick it up?” Avi asked. He tried to ignore how dumb he sounded. Another small nudge of the violin answered his question. He picked up the violin and almost sneezed from the amount of dust that fell off. He knew no one had come in here for a while, but for some place that was thought to be haunted and cursed, it surprised Avi no one had just stolen the violin.

Examining the instrument, Avi flipped to see the back and noticed something near the bottom, whatever people called it. He didn’t know violin anatomy. When he swiped away the remaining dust that covered the bottom, Avi noticed something engraved onto the wood. A name. A name he’s heard being mentioned when the resident ghost got brought up. Chills ran down his back when it finally hit him what was happening. 

“You’re… Johann?”

“Oh, finally! Took absolutely _forever_ for you to figure that out.”

Avi whipped around to hear the voice that popped up from behind him and choked out a gasp when he saw its source. There stood- actually more like _floated_ \- a transparent young half-elf wearing a buttoned down, puffy white shirt tucked into black trousers, his arms crossed with frustration. “Oh my— fuck, you’re real!” Avi yelled and fearfully swung the violin towards the ghost. The spirit yelled alongside him, curling up into a floating ball and stretching out his arms defensively as the violin went straight through his head.

“You— you can see me, and your first instinct is to hit me with my own violin?” he shouted before righting himself and floating closer to the living man.

Avi backed up and nearly tripped on the piano seat. “I… I, fuck, you’re not supposed to be _real!_ ”

“Not supposed to be real? How rude, honestly,” the ghost, Johann, grumbled. With shaky legs, Avi sat down on the piano seat to make sure he didn’t collapse in fear. “How’re you— how’re you ever here? How can I even see you?” While he seemed hesitant to answer, Johann sighed and hovered over the piano. 

“I don’t know too much about this whole death thing, even if it’s been quite a significant amount of time since I’ve died, but I do know that in order for you to see me, you need to believe in me. That’s been getting harder over the years. You so happen to be the first person to have come around in quite a while. And I can’t believe it took me pulling you for you to believe I exist, but you did anyway. Thank you _very_ much for that, sir.”

This new information was far too much for Avi to handle properly, but he nodded as if he understood. “Okay, so…” he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “does that mean you can just, like, go wherever now?”

Johann laughed at the suggestion. “Don’t you think I would’ve done that already if I could? What, you think I just choose to stay in this horrendous school? I’m stuck to my violin. Simply unable to leave an area too far away from it and picking it up is exhausting enough. I cannot carry it outside of this room.”

“How do you know that, though?” Avi asked. “Did someone move your violin for you to notice that?” The longer he stared at Johann, more questions came to his head, and he became more skeptical. After all, this was _literally_ a ghost he was talking to. Avi wondered if he might have awakened something more sinister. Even if this ghost seemed to be more sarcastic than he expected one to be. 

“How do I know? Bit of a ridiculous question. I just…” Johann started, but he trailed off. His eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. Did he not even know how he got the information himself? “I just… I just do. Why is that important to you? Are you always so rude and inquisitive? A question _irrelevant_ to the current situation. A college-aged man and you have the manners of a child. Is it not enough for some dead man to come out to you, explaining he’s been dead for… uh, what year is it?”

 _Okay, maybe he’s not some sinister demon, but still kind of an asshole. That’s better, I’m guessing_. “It’s, uh, currently 2019,” Avi gulped, an uncomfortable smile set on his face. Johann stared at him blankly, looking down at his spectral hands and counting with his fingers.

“That’s, uh… I’ve been— I knew time has passed by, but fuck… oh, have I really been dead for that long?” Though it was clear he was trying to hide it, his voice trembled near the end of his question. “I hadn’t, I didn’t, no, it couldn’t have been that long! You’re lying to me, aren’t you, sir?” he accused. Under all the stress, Johann’s already translucent body looked as if it was fading away, flickering in and out of vision.

Avi’s eyes widened, and he reached out to grab onto Johann’s shoulder, but his hand only went right through him. Still determined to get him to calm down, he motioned for Johann to look at him, “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I don’t, like, I don’t know anything about this at all, but I’m sure we’ll figure something out! Something that’ll fix whatever is happening…” Avi comforted Johann, who kept his attention on him at all times, like that would fix everything. The situation felt awkward and uncomfortable, trying to comfort a dead man who he didn’t even know, but Avi didn’t want to leave this dude with a panic attack.

When he got himself to calm down, Johann tried to the best of his ability to sit on the piano seat next to Avi. Half of his lower body may have been inside of the seat, but he sat as comfortably as one could when they weren’t even solid. “This is a lot to take in… Oh, where’s a necromancer when you need him? Do you still have necromancers in this time period, sir?” Johann inquired.  
  


Avi lit up at the mention of a necromancer. “Actually, yes! Yes, we do. They aren’t as common since necromancy is _very_ much illegal, but I know one. He’s kinda studying abroad for the time being, but I’m sure if I text him your situation he’ll come running,” he explained. While Lucas Miller, the necromancer in hiding, wasn’t exactly his _friend,_ Avi had good relations with the guy. Who would have known that meeting that one stuck up guy on campus who studied illegal activities in his free time could come in handy?

“Well, isn’t that just swell! It’ll be a pleasure to meet him. Really, I have to thank you, uh… What’s your name?”

Right, they hadn’t discussed that. “Oh, yeah! My name, it’s Avi.” Johann looked perplexed for a moment, but Avi piped up before he could comment. “About the guy, he’s— he’s real far away right now. I’m not entirely sure if he will be able to come for a while, especially since we still have our studies to finish and he’s in an entirely different continent. In fact, I actually _should_ be studying right now,” Avi continued. 

Johann scoffed, “Ah… vee. Avi, huh? Never heard a name like that before. A lovely one, though. Anyways, if he can’t come here soon, then can you at least take me around with you, sir? Like, take me outside of this place, maybe at your house. I’m sure that’s gotta be better than some nasty orchestra room. And frankly, I’m sick of this place. I want _out_.”

An awkward proposal. “Mhm, yeah, a great idea. Look, bro, I barely know you and you’re a literal ghost. What am I supposed to do when you start haunting my shit? I wanna help you out, I really do, but how am I supposed to trust you? I find it sort of common sense to not let a ghost into your house,” Avi attempted to explain his reasoning as gently as possible.

Johann groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, more out of habit than any actual need. “I can assure you that I will not haunt your residence. I have no need to. If you really distrust me, then you can have your nearest cleric check up on me every few days and I won’t get offended. Sir, I will do anything to take me out of this miserable campus. You can even sell my violin on the streets the moment we get out for all I care, maybe then I can end up in the hands of someone who’s a little more enthusiastic to help a poor soul out.”

Avi couldn’t imagine how it felt, being stuck in some college for centuries as the world around him evolved and changed. Trying to put himself in the situation already gave him a headache. The pity he felt earlier weighed in on his heart harder than before. Who was he to deny him of this simple wish? With the violin in his hands, Avi walked towards where he was sitting and packed his stuff into his bag before he swung it over his shoulder. “All right, all right then, let’s go. I guess I don’t mind housing some ghost for a bit, but you gotta keep your word or it’s over for you,” he shrugged and headed out of the room. 

Johann’s eyes widened, and he floated towards Avi, stumbling to let out a coherent sentence. “Wait, hol— you’re being serious? You’ll take me with you?” His voice was quivering with such infectious excitement that it made Avi grin.

“What, you expected me to leave you after you just told me how much you wanted to leave this place?”

“If I must be honest, that is exactly what I expected, sir.”

Avi cackled as they exited the old building, gaining a few glances from the other students walking by. _Shit, people can’t see him,_ he realized and gave Johann a look. Knowing what that look was referring to, Johann groaned and sprawled his arms out into the air, “Oh, come _on_. Are you gonna give me the silent treatment just because some random people you don’t even know might think you’re a little out of your head? Tch, good grief. What happened to the times when people would sneak into the room and talk to me using that decorated board thing with the letters? You don’t try to speak with spirits and flaunt it anymore? Disappointed with this year, sir.”

“People tried to speak with you on Ouija boards?” Avi asked in a hushed tone of voice, speed walking towards the nearest bus stop. “If that’s what they're called, then yes. They either thought it was each other when I tried pushing it, or they could see me and immediately ran away before I could talk to them. They’ve all graduated by now, I don’t remember how long ago that was,” Johann said.

His speaking died down a bit as they got further away from campus and towards the bus stop. It hit Avi that Johann had been stuck in the same old campus for centuries after his death, this had probably been the farthest he had gone since his living years, and that everything changed. Skyscrapers, roads, cars, even his clothing looked different from Johann’s. Taken from his time far too young, experiencing the passage of centuries without actually learning it.

Upon entering the bus, Johann gripped onto Avi’s hoodie tightly, shivering every time a living person slipped right through his spectral form. “Gods, what are we even inside of? It’s awkwardly full,” he hissed out as another person just walked straight through him. _Great, I gotta teach him all of this shit,_ Avi groaned internally and muttered, “A bus. Takes us where we want to.” Johann only nodded as a response.

Avi took an empty seat and sat on it as the bus started moving. What he didn’t expect was for Johann to sit directly on his lap, facing him, his ghostly legs going through his own and hands clutching onto the front of his hoodie. “I‘m truly sorry, sir, I just can’t handle all these people,” he apologized. Avi shrugged as a simple way of showing he didn’t really mind, but Johann being so close to him filled him with burning heat, and he thought his legs were about to burst into flames when it finally came to his stop.

They got up quickly and Avi bolted out of the bus as soon as he could, Johann floating right by his side without breaking a sweat. “What— you _live_ in that place? I must say, I’m impressed!” Johann exclaimed as Avi stood in front of the doors of his apartment. “Sorry to disappoint, but it’s the opposite, man,” he confessed. “Opposite? This place is rather large, sir.”

“It’s an apartment. I don’t own the whole place, I’m renting out a portion of it.”

“How big of a portion are we talking about?”

Well, it certainly wasn’t the _worst_ apartment he could have gotten. There was a small kitchen, that was a plus, even if Avi used it to make the most bland food in existence. It connected to the living room, which had a cozy little couch in front of a working tv. There were only two other rooms, his bedroom and the bathroom, but it was a comfortable size for someone living alone. Johann, however, didn’t seem too impressed. “Is this what is being given out to everyone? Even I lived in something bigger than this,” he floated towards the kitchen, “ _apartment._ I pity this time. Are there a lot of these out there?” 

“Yeah, there’s a lot because all the big houses are for old people with money. I don’t know about you, but I’m not an old person with money.” Avi placed the violin on his little coffee table before he collapsed onto his couch and groaned, then took out his phone. “I’m gonna text Lucas about this whole… _you_ thing. Let’s see if he’ll believe me first, ‘cause this whole situation does kinda sound like it’s straight out of shitty author with nothing better to do.” 

After lots of texting, taking an unnecessary amount photos of Johann and a video call, Lucas miraculously managed to put aside his initial suspicion that Avi was drunk off his shits and talking about fake ghosts for a laugh to believe in Johann, and oh, how ecstatic he was to meet him. Johann, skeptical about the technology of being able to communicate by a simple screen, took to it easier than Avi thought. The three questioned each other for hours, sunlight fading to darkness, the living forgetting about their studies to help this new problem with the dead.

“It sounds like some kind of soul-binding issue to me. Usually to soul bind you need a powerful necromancer to do it for you, but sometimes someone’s will to live when they’re dying is strong enough to break all that shit. Makes no sense, I know, but death is full of little loopholes. There’s so few cases of this happening that there’s been very little research on it. It could take forever to figure out how to fix this,” he explained in the simplest way he could.

The worst thing he had to break to them? Lucas expressed how unlikely bringing back a soul as old as Johann’s without serious consequences would be, and that even just attempting to bring him back could land the living participants into prison and have the ghost eradicated without proper peace. Other than resurrection or a ritual to free him from the violin properly, the only other option to free Johann meant destroying the violin. That meant erasing him from all of existence, which the half-elf quickly rejected. _I don’t like being half dead all that much, but it’s better than just being erased, you know?_

It was bad news after bad news, but hope wasn’t lost. Lucas, upon seeing Avi and Johann’s frowns, mentioned his new necromancer friends he met while abroad who were more experienced. It would take a bit of convincing, but Lucas insisted that he would be able to sway the couple into helping them out. 

“I still got classes to get through, though. I still want to get my education. Next year, summer would be better for me to, uh, swing by. For now though, you two just gotta sit tight,” Lucas hummed. Johann and Avi looked at each other before the latter turned back to his laptop, “That sounds like a plan, I guess. Thanks for agreeing to this, dude. I know it’s a big thing to ask, but it means a lot.” Lucas, his face dusted a darker colour, stammered, “Oh, uh, no problem Avi! I’ll, uh, talk to you soon,” and hung up right after.

”I mean... that was easier than I expected. At least we got a plan down,” Avi said, shutting off his laptop.

”Summer.” Johann let out a stressful huff. “Great. Have to wait even longer.”

With the call over, Avi yawned and got up from the couch without saying another word, heading to his room. Johann followed him curiously, but Avi stopped him before he could enter the room, “Dude, I gotta get dressed. Give me some privacy.”

Johann put his hands up defensively and stopped. “Ah, yes, I apologize… dude?” _Dude_. Hearing this old yet young soul of the eighteenth century saying ‘dude’ was jarring enough to have made Avi laugh under his breath, even after he shut the door.

Finished throwing on some pyjamas, which was just a pair of oversized track pants and a large shirt, Avi cracked open his door and threw himself onto his bed right after. Johann hesitated before making his way in, his eyes looking at anything _but_ Avi’s now exposed arms, that appeared finely sculpted to anyone who could see them. “It… what time is it?” Johann cleared his throat, still trying to keep his eyes away. “Uh… I don’t know, maybe ten? Eleven? We called for a pretty damn long time,” Avi grumbled, muffled by his face being stuck in his pillow. “I’m just tired, man. I’m glad it’s Friday.”

Johann nodded, trying to the best of his ability to sit on the edge of the bed. “Ah… we can get to know each other a little more on the weekend. I think I would enjoy getting to know you more, sir,” he suggested. Avi looked over at him as he crawled under his blankets, his lips curling into a smile. “That sounds like a good idea. You must have some fun stories to tell me about the past. Now, get some sleep so I can—” A nervous clearing of the throat interrupted him. “Avi, I get what you mean, but I _can’t_ sleep,” Johann explained while he fiddled with the collar of his shirt. Avi sat up abruptly when he heard the news. “You— you can’t sleep? All these years of being undead and you haven’t been able to fucking sleep?” 

“I don’t _need_ to, just like how I don’t need to eat, but I certainly do miss it just a little bit. It’s not like I ever did much of it when I was alive, just too busy practicing my work,” Johann stated. Avi settled back down and stared at the ceiling, feeling his eyes starting to grow heavy. “Oh, right. You were a student. Studying music…” Avi remembered all the stories. “Mm, correct. What’re you studying, Avi?” asked Johann. “Engineering. Just somethin’ that’ll get me by in life that I can do, y’know?” he replied. A yawn followed right after, reminding him that he desperately needed some sleep.

But Avi had a question in mind that he felt the need to ask before he forgot in the morning. “Johann?” he piped up. Johann hummed in recognition. “When you died… surely you should’ve smelled the fire and smoke beforehand. Why didn’t you leave?” he asked. “Sorry if that’s, like, rude to ask.”

The sound of no response hung in the air. Avi had given up waiting for an answer when Johann whispered, “Remembering it is... extremely hard, to say the least. I’ve struggled to keep my memories throughout the centuries, but they still continue to slip from me. The memories I have of that moment are blurry, full of smoke and fire, but I remember it was dark. Sunset, I think. I must’ve been practising, practicing for _something_ I was stressed about. Everything was blocked to me, I so focused on my work. When I did finally notice, I don’t know, something had fell in front of the door and I couldn’t get out.

”The whole thing… I can only remember being so terrified and— and I was angry. I was angry at a lot of things, but I mostly remember being angry that I couldn’t get out. That I was going to die in there and—” the room began to flare up, Avi felt the heat pulsating off of Johann, “—I didn’t want that. Who would? Then... then I just felt hot. Then I was cold. And then I was awake. That’s what I remember.”

There was a shuffling of sheets, then Avi reaching out to hold Johann’s hand. Their hands made no actual contact, Avi’s going through Johann’s like it did back in the orchestra room, but the sentiment rang loud and clear. Avi had an awkward and almost uncomfortable look to his face due to both the intense heat coming from their hands and the fact he was trying to comfort a strange ghost. “I’m… I’m sorry you had to go through that, Johann.” Johann huffed, “Don’t be. It’s useless to worry about. What’s done is done, sir. You just get to bed.” 

When Johann turned to Avi, his eyes expressed the sadness and longing of someone who had their life taken too quickly. “We’re gonna build you a new life, buddy,” Avi promised, but they both knew that there was no guarantee. He did not attempt to elaborate, instead went to lie back down and curl up into his sheets.

“Sleep well, sir,” Johann mumbled.

“G’night, Johann. Don’t stare at me too long while I’m sleeping,” Avi attempted to tease, but it fell flat as Johann gave no response.

Avi’s snores filled the air in an instant. Johann kept his eyes on the wall. The room felt warm.


	2. however scary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s awkward small talk, personal questions that go too far, and Minecraft. That’s what new roommates are all about this September.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh slight gore warning for this chapter! it’s only a paragraph long and not very well described but like just a heads up. i put an asterisk just above and below the paragraph for people who would like to skip it. if I find a more screenreader friendly version I’ll fix it.  
> also most of these chapters are gonna go by months n this chapter is all in September isn’t that sexy

_Thump._

Something fell, soft and heavy. It fell loud enough to stir Avi from his sleep, but he burrowed his head deeper into his pillow. _It’s nothing,_ first registered to his tired brain. It didn’t make sense, it’s not like he had a cat that knocked things off the counter, but a tired man will make any excuse to reassure himself that he could stay in bed for a few minutes longer.

_Clink._

Something small fell.

_“Fuck!”_

That got Avi up. The events of yesterday hit him like a brick when he heard that whisper of frustration. He invited that ghost to live in his apartment _because_ said ghost would not haunt his shit. He threw his blankets off of his body and stumbled out of his bedroom, moving his way towards the sound of items dropping: the kitchen. Avi expected to see all his cupboards wide open and the few items he had in there scattered across the room like in those movies, with Johann standing in the middle of it with a devilish look in his eyes.

Expectations aren’t always reality. Instead, Avi saw the rather pathetic sight of Johann hovering over two knocked over plastic cups and exactly one pillow lying on the floor. The two stared at each other for a good chunk of time, both of them assessing the situation, yet unsure of how to speak to each other. When he finally found his voice, Avi cautiously cleared his throat. “Uh… what are you doing, dude?” he tentatively asked. 

A look of embarrassment flashed over Johann, but he turned away before Avi could say anything about it. “I’m practicing my ability to pick up physical objects, sir. It’s always been a struggle for me, seeing how I’m not exactly a physical person. The longest I got is the pillow which I managed to take from your room into here. Opening the door was a bit of a challenge, though,” Johann explained. Moving closer to the ground, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he reached for the spoon. His translucent fingers phased through the handle a few times, but just when Avi went to go pick it up for him, the weight settled into his palm and Johann shot up with the spoon in hand.

“Like, look! I think I’m getting better at it already!” exclaimed Johann, his ears pointed straight at the ceiling. While no outlandishly huge smile came to his face, his lips curled upward into a crooked half smile that expressed his pride in his accomplishment. 

Avi hummed and gave a slow clap for Johann, but he wouldn’t deny the fact that his pride was contagious. “Congrats. Does that mean you’re up to cleaning the rest of the stuff you dropped?” he commented, pointing at the cups and pillows that were still on the ground. Johann rolled his eyes— Avi noticed he did that a lot— and gently set the spoon on the table. “I’ll take that as a no,” he hummed as he bent down to pick up everything else.

Another stretch of silence. That seemed to happen more than Avi felt comfortable with. Of course it would. _We’re still strangers. I hardly know him,_ he reminded himself. The circumstances were odd. He just let this random dead dude into his house out of pity. They had centuries between them, yet still Johann remained similar in age to him. It made Avi think. They could’ve been friends, if they had been born in the same time. 

_We could_ still _be friends. It’s not like death is stopping us. It wouldn’t hurt to learn a bit about him, right?_

How do you start a conversation with a ghost about his life— whether it be his past one, or the one he wasn’t living in? It’s not often for someone to just be speaking to a college-aged spirit. Avi couldn’t just search it up, but the silence suffocated him. They’d have to get to know each other eventually if they were to make this roommate thing work. How? How does he just speak up—

“Uh,” Avi jumped when Johann spoke up, still unused to his solemn voice, “are you just gonna stand there and stare at those cups, sir?” 

Searching for something to say, Avi shrugged and turned towards Johann. “Wasn’t planning to, dude. Why…” he trailed off. _Think of something!_ “Why do you always call me sir? You know you can just call me Avi or nothing at all.” 

_Man, that was just dumb._

Expecting another awkward look and silence, Johann looked rather amused. “It’s a form of respect, something I haven’t dropped. Why do you always call me dude?” he retorted, but with a hint of cockiness in his voice. It sounded like he had been itching to mention it. 

“I… I guess you got a point,” he laughed. “Though seriously, you don’t have to do that. You remind me of a kid I know.” Grabbing the pillow, Avi shuffled towards the one couch he owned and settled down on it. Johann followed with a puzzled look as he stood in front of him, still and rigid with the air of discomfort that Avi felt himself. 

“Sorry if I sound intrusive, but a kid? You have a kid?” 

“A kid? No, no! _I_ don’t have one. A friend of mine babysits some kids for money occasionally. His regular is a kid named Angus. He comes here occasionally. He’s a nice kid, really smart. Calls people ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ all the time. You remind me of him,” Avi said. “I’d say that you could meet him some time, but… y’know.”

“Oh yes, I understand. I suppose I should keep a little quiet. We wouldn’t want people panicking about a ghost on the premises.”

“Yeah, you’re right about that. Don’t, uh, want people freaking out.”

The two couldn’t make eye contact after Avi finished his sentence. Johann still hovered in front of him, his eyes searching around the room. While the tension no longer hung in the air, they still struggled to communicate with each other. Any attempt at small talk would crumble right below them, but why? Avi thought they were talking just fine the day before. Was it the shock that kept them talking? Whatever it had been, it had left, and the two men struggled to look at each other as if a one-night stand had taken place.

Their silence would have gone on for much longer if the feeling of hunger hadn’t taken over Avi. He groaned, “Fuck, I gotta go make something to eat,” and stood up to walk back towards the kitchen. “I’ll be right back. Just gonna make something real quick, ‘kay? I’ll, uh, put something on TV when I get back. Maybe it’ll help you catch up on some things you missed.”

Johann pulled his knees up to his chest as he watched Avi walk away. “Oh, of course, you go eat.” 

As Avi worked on his breakfast, sleep still on his mind, he could hear the faint sound of a violin. Peaking towards the living room again, he saw Johann playing a spectral version of the violin that laid beside him on the coffee table.

_Right. He’s a violinist._

The piece Johann played dripped with an inner longing Avi couldn’t describe. The moment he played, Avi felt a dip in his chest, like something had gone missing. He noticed something else about, too. It felt disconnected and broken up in some parts, even though he played it beautifully. There were many parts where Johann would pause his playing at random times, like he couldn’t remember what note had been there, before continuing. The piece sounded and felt out of touch. The piece, like its player, felt broken and lost. Haunting. 

Avi hummed along as best he could.

“Y’know, I’ve been teaching you a lot about what’s happening with this world lately, but I still don’t know a lot about you or how things were like back then,” Avi pointed out one Friday evening, a week after they had met. With the beginning of the golden hour filtering through the apartment window, the two sat watching T.V. Well, Avi sat. Johann attempted sitting at first, but after falling through two floors and a half after failing to concentrate hard enough on sitting, he decided floating just above the couch with his legs crossed sufficed.

Johann pulled his stare from the screen to look at Avi. “Oh, I just didn’t think you would be very interested in my life. It’s not like there was much back then?”

“Still, I wanna know about you. We’re stuck with each other until Lucas and his pals come, so we might as well get comfortable with each other, eh?”

Johann paused. Avi recognized it as one of Johann’s Thinking Moments, as he’d dubbed it. Rather than answering anything on a whim, Johann would instead think on his answer first. What went through his head during those moments, Avi didn’t know, but he would turn his head to the side and rub his fingers together until he had his answer well thought out.

“Well,” Johann pushed himself to float in front of Avi, “I guess I do not mind talking about myself for a bit.” The dying sunlight filled the area he floated on, but he made no shadow on the floor. His spectral form looked golden in that lighting, Avi noticed. 

“But only if you tell me about yourself. You may have told me the basics about this time, but I know next to nothing about my _darling_ hero.”

“Ugh, don’t say it like that, dude,” Avi fake-gagged and stuck his tongue out. “Fine. I guess that’s fair.”

“Could we start with you? I don’t really know how I want to, uh, I don’t know how to go about talking about myself. It’s not like I’ve ever had anyone ask that in, oh, I don’t know, _centuries_.”

“Yeah, yeah, all right. I was gonna go first anyway,” Avi lied. “I’ll say some basic things about myself and if you have questions, you can just ask yours truly. Understand?”

“Sounds easy enough, yes.”

“Awesome,” he let out a sigh through his nose, “I’ll start. As you know, I’m Avi. I’m twenty years old, I was born in Brandybuck and lived there most of my life with my moms, then I moved here to Neverwinter in the beginning of high school and have been here ever since. It’s my second year of college, focusing on engineering, just hoping I make it out alive. I used to play football, but now I’ve just settled for going to the gym and playing video games occasionally. Uh… yeah. That’s— that’s kinda what I wanted out of you, but you can ask anything.”

“You were born in _Brandybuck?_ ” Johann asked, visibly holding a breath he did not need to keep in a laugh. “Not to be rude or anything, but I thought that lovely place would’ve been run to the ground at this point.”

“Oh, it almost has a couple times! But that was, like, centuries ago. After you died probably.” _You can’t just say things like that_ , he scolded himself right after. “But, uh, things have changed since then. No running down of any towns lately,” Avi laughed. “So, you have any questions for me before we move onto you?”

Johann glanced to the window as if he would think more about it, but he turned back towards Avi and shook his head. “No, I don’t have any questions right now. I think I learned some new stuff about you. I’m sure we’ll get into more detail as we go along the way.”

“Okay, so we’re done with me? Great. Let’s get on with you. Take it away, bro.”

Avi felt the room get warm. He didn’t think much of it at the time.

“Well, you know my name is Johann. Born and raised in Neverwinter, I lived with…” A pause. Short, but Avi felt the hesitance hanging in the air. “I,” Johann stumbled over his words, “I lived with my mother. Yes, it was her. We didn’t live too far away from here, actually. I wonder if my house is still there. I was… _am_ , I still am twenty-one. Just a year older than you, sort of. I was studying music professionally. My specialty is the violin.”

The sentence ended abruptly. Avi expected him to go on, but Johann stared directly at him. His eyes, despite being translucent, looked glazed over. His stare looked distant, like he lost himself as he tried to talk about himself. It made Avi uncomfortable. “Is that everything, dude? Can I ask questions now?”

“You have questions?” Johann hummed, but the distant look on his face remained. Avi felt sweat trickle down his forehead. “I thought that would’ve covered everything. What kind of questions?”

While he wouldn’t say it out loud, Avi had been waiting to ask more about Johann and how his life used to be like. The curiosity filled him like an itch, and he felt desperate to relieve that itch. “Well, did you have any hobbies? Like, other than music? What was your favourite food? What did you do when you were alive?” he asked, his voice quick and his questions blunt.

“Other hobbies? Of course I did. I had a garden I took care of. I read sometimes. My favourite food? Well, anything with feathers usually got my attention, maybe with a bit of dark chocolate on the side. I did…” Johann’s eyes darted across the room, “many things in my life, I’m sure of it.”

 _Many things?_ Despite getting his questions answered, Avi felt unsatisfied. It felt like Johann didn’t explain everything. He looked down and picked at his nails, which he noticed had become clammy with the growing heat. “What do you mean that you’re sure of it? You had a life, don’t you remember it?” he pressed on. 

“Why are you so insistent on asking these questions? I told you what I wanted to tell you, I am not obligated to tell you anymore, _sir,_ ” Johann snapped, but his voice trembled and cracked.

“Well, it’s not often you get to meet someone from centuries ago, y’know? I wanna get to know you, I want to be your friend,” he confessed, afraid to make eye contact. “Why do you... why do you seem so scared?”

“I’m not scared. Why would I be scared?” Johann’s voice rose. As it did, so did the temperature. 

“Dude, you’re scared. Is it something about your past? Fuck, I— I’m sorry if that’s it. I really shouldn’t have—“ 

“Sir—“

“If it’s something about that, uh, fuck, you don’t have to tell me! I’m sure it has to be real difficult to remember something about your past li—“

_“Sir.”_

Johann’s voice, mixed with a tone of pleading and the sound of crackling fire, made the anxious Avi look back up at him. He wished he didn’t.

The sunlight, once just behind Johann, now hit him directly as it set. Instead of looking golden and gentle as he did just a few moments ago, his body now looked like the sun crafted it from living, raging flames that depicted a more agonized man than the one he had just looked at.

*

Johann’s spectral form, once showing the imagine of a young half-elf man with not so much as a blemish on his face now appeared _mangled_ _,_ to put it in the nicest way possible. His clothes were burnt apart, exposing fatal burn wounds all across his body, some parts even exposing bone. Chunks of melted skin peeled from his hands, arms, neck, even his face. A whole chunk of his cheek had even disappeared, revealing the burnt bones of his skull. Johann looked like he had gone through hell and back, every part of him burning with agony. His irises had disappeared from the amount of light he emitted, but Avi felt the pain coming from them.

*

Sitting in front of Johann made Avi feel sick, sweating from the heat he gave off, squinting from the light and fear he radiated.

“Didn’t I tell you? I can’t _remember_ it all, sir,” Johann whimpered. “That’s the problem. I can’t remember so many things about myself, I just _can’t_.”

Avi stood up and ran to close the blinds on the window. When he looked back at Johann, he saw him in his normal form, but his eyes bore into the couch in front of him with a terrorized look. 

“I think we’re done with questions for the day, dude.”

They build. They keep building on each other the next couple days. It’s a struggle to build something without the proper foundation, without even a blueprint to guide them.

Sometimes you don’t need those tools. Like in Minecraft.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, shit— Johann! You know I can’t hear when you sneak up on me like that!” Avi shouted, pausing his game on instinct. With one hand on his chest and the other gripping his controller, he shot a glare at Johann, who hovered upside down in front of him. The lights from the city, the moon and the TV were the only things illuminating Avi’s apartment. The haunting scare was the last thing he wanted that night.

Righting himself up, Johann shrugged. “I don’t think it’s that scary. But really, what are you playing? It isn’t the other game you were playing last time… what was it, something about duties?”

“God, Call of Duty? No, this isn’t it. Kind of the opposite, really,” Avi said as he started the game back up. Johann flipped himself upright and moved himself beside Avi, staring at the screen with curiosity.

“Then what is it? It looks a little blocky.”

“Minecraft, and yeah, that’s the whole appeal to it.”

“What is the objective of the game? What are you doing with those blocks? What is your mission? Why—”

A chuckle interrupted Johann. “Chill, man. I’m just building a house right now.” Seeing the look of confusion on Johann’s face, he elaborated, “The ‘mission’ of Minecraft is whatever you want it to be. Sure, there’s an Ender Dragon you can beat, but you don’t _have_ to do that. Your goal can just be finding diamonds, maybe get as many cats as you can, or create a big farm. Right now, I want to build a house.”

The message still didn’t stick to Johann. “But like, what rewards do you get? In the other game you got rewards because it had a set mission.”

“I mean, you can get achievements if you play on survival, but you don’t get any money or whatever. Unless experience counts, but that’s mainly for enchanting. Other than that… I guess just feeling proud of what you’ve done is the reward.”

“So there’s no objective and no real reward.”

“What, is pride not a real reward for you?”

“I just don’t quite get it. Why would you play a game with no purpose?”

“Why doesn’t it have a purpose to you?” Avi asked, his eyes still glued to the TV. The shape was coming together. It would be a cottage, it sat just along a little lake with a flower forest right behind. It would be calm. Fit for a domestic life.

“For something to have purpose, it must have a meaning. It must have a set objective,” Johann insisted. “At least, that’s what I was told. Weren’t you told that as a kid?”

 _Dark wood. Dark wood would look good_ , Avi pondered _._ “I was told that I can make my own path. That I could look at the ones given to me and say, ‘fuck this’ and do something I wanted to, because that’s how the world works. Sure, there might be certain goals many people have and want. A good job, maybe move to another country, find a lover, but sometimes… sometimes you just want to build a house. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It still has a meaning because you give it one. That’s enough to give it meaning. It has a purpose. What you make still has just as much value, maybe even more value the other paths already created.” 

“Ah.” _Birch logs would go nicely with this._ “I think I get it,” Johann muttered.

Avi continued to build while Johann watched. They were quiet, but it felt comforting. The only sounds being Minecraft’s _Sweden_ track, the placing of various blocks to create a magnificent cottage, and the gentle breathing of the only living person in the room, Avi felt comfortable. A strange sort of comfort. The one you feel when the person next to you isn’t breathing, but is relishing upon the new look on the meaning of purpose they may not have considered during their living years. 

Avi spotted movement out of the corner of his eye and glanced over. Johann pointed at the TV, whispering, “I think it’d look better with lanterns instead of torches near the entrance, sir.”

Looking towards the entrance of the cottage, Avi replaces the torches he had left with lanterns. He never really cared for those new light sources, he thought torches did their job rather well, but he found that they had their own little charm as they hung from the wooden portico. “Huh… they kinda do. Thanks, dude.”

“Some greenery on the stone part of the house would look good. Maybe wallflowers?” Johann suggested.

“There’s no wall flower in this game, but there’s mossy cobblestone and some vines. Is that good enough?”

“Yes, I think that will suffice.” 

“Cool, we’ll get right to that.”

“Well… can I try putting it on?”

Johann’s shoved his open hands right in front of Avi’s, motioning towards the Xbox controller. “I think I can hold it. I, uh, don’t really know how to use the buttons, so can you teach me?” Johann questioned, making grabby hands to emphasize his point.

No harm in teaching him, right? Avi handed the controller over to Johann, who snatched it with such speed that made Avi flinch. The placement of the controller in his incorporeal hands looked awkward, so Avi reached towards it and helped steady it. Their arms tangled and Avi might have gone through Johann several times, but they held a position where Avi gripped the controller the correct way and Johann’s fit just inside of them, copying its placement.

The sensation felt odd, to put it simply. Their hands existed in the same place at the same time, Johann’s smaller ones almost disappearing into Avi’s larger ones. The heat of Johann’s spectral form became noticeable as Avi felt his hands and arms tingle from being so close to him. Though they were not technically touching, the feeling of another person’s hands so close to his made Avi’s stomach dip and a need to cherish it.

There wasn’t time to think about each other’s hands, though.

“All right, you see where our left thumbs are? That’s the left stick. You use it to move,” Avi instructed. He demonstrated by moving the player back and forth, feeling Johann’s thumb follow his. “Our right thumb is on the right stick, which you use to look around. And you see where our left middle finger is? It’s on the left trigger, when you press it, you place items. Our right middle finger is on the left trigger, you use that to destroy items.”

“Sir, this is a lot. I thought you guys made things easier. This is like magic but dumber.”

“Take it up with HR. Now, the little cross right below our left thumb is the D-Pad, and you use the up and down ones to go up and down to fly, but that’s only in creative mode. You see the colourful buttons? The yellow one with the Y opens up your inventory that has every block in this game, but I already have the vines and the mossy cobblestone out for you. You use our index fingers to go through the slots on. That’s all you really need for this. You got all that that?”

“Uh,” Johann hesitated, letting out a nervous chortle, “yes, I think I got it.”

“So I can let go and you won’t drop my controller? I paid good money for it.”

“Yes, sir.”

His hands let go of the controller and Avi carefully pulled them closer to his chest, letting himself feel just how inhumanly warm they felt. Johann still had his grip tight on it, looking back at the controller and the screen before beginning to move the player around. His movements were choppy and slow, akin to a child’s first game, though that comparison wasn’t too far from the truth. 

However, Johann picked it up easier than Avi had thought he would, just like he did with the current musings of the world. Though the controller slipped from time to time and his form would go fuzzy from all the concentration, he placed the vines wherever he saw fit, replacing normal cobblestone with mossy ones, all with an awed and proud look on his face.

After a final fly around the little cottage that Avi— no, the both of them— had made, Johann plopped the controller onto the couch and let out an exhausted sigh. “Oh, that was tiring. I didn’t even realize how concentrated I was on that.”

“You were concentrated as hell. I thought it hypnotized you or something,” joked Avi, but he noticed how drained Johann looked. “Hey, uh, I know you can’t sleep and all, but is there any way that you can rest? Like, at all?”

Johann presses his back against the couch and nodded, letting his eyes close. “I can… I do not know how to explain it. I can sort of chill in my violin. It’s kinda dark in there, and it’s not really sleep, but I can relax there. I still hear everything, but it’s like going into an empty room during a ball.”

“Oh, is that where you go when I sleep? I thought you just sorta stared at me or fucked around with my neighbours, doing ghost things”

“I usually go with my violin, though I will admit I have taken a stroll outside of the apartment to see how far I can go. I still practise picking up stuff as well. This is the longest I’ve gone carrying something in a couple of decades,” Johann noted.

Avi gave him a nod. “Well, it looks like you could take some violin time. I might start heading to bed.”

“Yes, you do that. Goodnight, s…” Johann dragged out the ‘s’ sound, then let himself take a deep breath, “Avi. Goodnight, _Avi_.”

“Goodnight to you too, Johann.”

Johann propped himself up and floated closer to his violin, which had stayed on the coffee table ever since it had been set down there. He examined it for a while, his fingers gingerly tracing over the burn marks and small cracks. His body faded as his eyes closed, still tracing the markings on his instrument, until his body had completely disappeared from sight.

Avi saved his game and turned off the TV. He spared one last glance towards the lonely violin before entering his bedroom, sinking into his sheets. They felt cold compared to his warm hands.

They’re bound to keep on building things, far beyond Minecraft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it just me or does this chapter seem shorter? like they have pretty much the exact same amount of words but this seems shorter idk. anyways this chapter was already made before I posted the first chapter so no i don’t write this fast. u’ll probably see the next chapter in the next decade whoops.


	3. about that night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October’s a somber month. There’s a visit from a friend, a memory is resurfaced, and Avi attempts to bring himself out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna run out of lyrics from Like Real People Do thatll actually fit the chapters of this fic so if u notice a change in the titles don’t say anything I swear it’s just me and my terrible planning skills. keep that between u and me.

There is a fight to wake up in the morning. There’s always one. It didn’t matter that this fight happens every morning of every year, it only got harder and harder every time.

_Get up. You have to. You know you have to._

He wants to stay. He feels his heart sink into his chest.

 _Stay. Stay. You’re tired, you’re so,_ so _tired._

Every time, he feels like he’s ready to give in. 

_No, no, get up. Get up, get up, get up. You have to. You need to do something with your life._

_It’s okay, you can stay. Just sleep, you deserve it._

It’s a chorus of two different bargains, and he always leans to sleep more.

_Just a little…_

“Avi!”

And Avi wakes up. He always does. It’s tiring.

“Avi, sir, someone’s at the door!”

That got him up. After a quick sigh and a moment to gather all the strength he had, Avi pushed his weighted blanket off of his body and stumbled out of his room with an old shirt in his hand. Johann floated in the middle of the apartment, his eyes fixed on the door. “Who is it?” Avi called out as he pulled on the shirt.

“It’s Magnus! You gonna open the door or do I have to do it for ya?” the gruff voice on the other side quipped back.

_Damn it._

It took everything for Avi to not tell Magnus exactly where he could fuck off to or to run back into his room and go back to sleep. When he opened the door, he saw the grimace that his friend tried very hard to cover with a smile as they made eye contact.

“Uh, hey Avi! Wow, did I catch you in the middle of something?” Magnus asked, cautious with his words.

“No, you just woke me up. Do you know how early it is?” Avi snapped.

“Early? It’s two in the afternoon.” Magnus’s smile tightened. “Did you sleep through the whole morning?”

Avi didn’t even check the time. He shrugged, “Huh. I guess I did.” Johann clicked his tongue, Avi’s eyes darted towards his direction and opened his mouth to say something smart before he remembered that Magnus couldn’t see his new friend.

“Can I… can I come in for a minute, dude? Or are you just gonna leave me out here?”

 _Why are you here anyway?_ Avi wanted to ask, but bit his tongue to stay silent. “Sure, make yourself at home,” he seethed, stepping back to let Magnus into his apartment. The whole ordeal had an embarrassing aura to it, but Avi couldn’t feel it with how exhausted he felt. 

Magnus tentatively stepped into the apartment, pulling his old varsity jacket and his boots off as he did. Avi knew from that small action that his friend would be here for a little longer than a minute. 

“Dude, I know it’s getting a little colder now, but why is your heating all the way up? I felt the hot air just _whoosh!_ into my face when you opened the door, like a sauna. I’m already sweating my ass off,” Magnus pointed out. 

“I’ve just been feeling really cold lately,” he lied. Avi didn’t have his heating on. He didn’t need it when Johann’s very presence made the windows fog up, and it saved on electricity. A win-win situation for him.

If Magnus had suspicions about Avi’s lazy lie, he didn’t voice it. He walked towards the couch and plopped himself on it, going straight through Johann. “I know this man. He’s one of many students to have come to me with that board thing. Suppose I overestimated how long ago that was. He screamed like a bitch when I tried to pull him to my violin!” Johann cackled. Avi let out a quiet snort at the new information. 

“Who does this guy think he is? Just strutting in your living space and _through_ m like he’s a descendant of the gods, when last I saw him he nearly started crying in my prescience? It’s insulting, really,” Johann hissed and hovered above Magnus. “Very loud. Kind of reminds me of you, but multiplied by a million.”

A chuckle brought Avi’s attention back to Magnus. “A violin, huh? Since when did you play?” he joked and grabbed the violin from the coffee table. “Geez, I dare you to go sit in that crusty orchestra one second and you go all violin ghost on me the next.”

“Hey! Tell him to keep his hands off my stuff!”

Avi’s hands darted to take the violin back, but he realized how rude it would be. “Uh, I took a keepsake,” he said, sitting next to Magnus. Technically, not a lie. He gestured for Magnus to hand him back the violin, which he promptly did with a disgusted face.

“Ew, you took it? That explains why it looks so battered. Why would you bring it to your place? Aren’t you worried it’s super haunted or some shit?” 

Johann rolled his eyes, swinging a punch at Magnus’s face. His hand went straight through Magnus’s head, but it got some steam out of him. Avi had to cover his mouth to hide his laughter. “My violin isn’t _ew_. That outfit he’s wearing sure is, though,” spay Johann.

“Fuckin’— I cleaned it! And like I said, shit doesn’t scare me,” Avi insisted, taking his hand from his face. He placed the violin back on the coffee table. It felt wrong to put it anywhere else at that point. 

The three of them said nothing for a solid minute. Avi could tell that Magnus came here for a reason, so he didn’t care to beat around the bush. “Maggie, what’re you here for? It's gotta be something important, or else you would’ve just texted me. Is everything all right with you?”

That tight smile came back on Magnus’ face again. It looked so fake compared to his real smile. _So punchable._ “Actually, I came here to ask you that question. Is everything all right with _you_ , Avi?” he asked. Avi expected it to follow up with a joke, a laugh, something that the two could just laugh off before getting to the real topic. The set seriousness in the silence that came after the question made him realize that there was no punchline. 

Avi didn’t like the sudden serious shift. “I’m, uh, doing fine? I don’t know why you’re asking. Look, if you’re thinking that ghost thing fucked me up, I’m begging you to realize that it didn’t,” he laughed, expecting Magnus to laugh with him. Hoping that he did. 

“Avi, I’m gonna be real with you. Bro to bro. You’ve… I don’t know, man. You’ve been distant. You’ve been declining to go out with Killian, Carey, and I more often. We hardly even see you on campus anymore, unless it’s you running to the bus. And Killian isn’t too happy with your habit of ignoring her calls lately. Also, like, not to shit on you too hard, but… you look like _crap_. Whether it’s ‘cause you haven’t gone out to the gym with us lately or because of some other reason, doesn’t matter. We’re getting real worried for you, Avi.”

 _Wow._ _Yikes._

“Oh,” was all that Avi could muster. His eyes flickered from Magnus to Johann, who looked back in shock. “Is that true?” inquired Johann in a small voice.

Avi shook his head, eyes shut tight in denial. “No, no. I’ve just been busy with college, you know? C’mon, just ‘cause I decline to go out with you a couple times in a few weeks—”

“A couple times? A few _weeks_? Avi, you haven’t gone out with us since, what late July? Early August? It’s October now. That’s like, I don’t know, three months? I don’t think Carey’s seen you in a month and a half! We just want to know if you’re okay, man, and the truth,” Magnus argued and he, while trying to comfort his friend, placed a hand on Avi’s shoulder.

Everything felt like it had burst at that very moment. The moment Magnus’s skin came in contact with his, Avi felt his heart drop to his stomach and the skin being touched _burn_. It had been longer than Avi cared to admit since someone alive and well had touched him with hands full of life and blood. Magnus’s hand radiated warmth and held a comforting weight that Avi wanted to press himself into, a weight that he had tried to replace with a weighted blanket. He craved to lean into it, to lean into Magnus’ body and stay there forever, to relish in everything good that came from another human’s touch.

That hand moved away too quickly, its warmth fleeting, leaving the touched skin tingle as it ached for more. It all happened too quickly, it stunned him. Avi wanted to grab it back, but he couldn’t move. For a moment, he felt stuck in place.

“Dude, are you okay? You’re crying!” Magnus never really got the hint that most people didn’t enjoy having someone point out they were crying.

“A— am I?” Avi questioned, bringing his hand up to his face. His fingers grazed upon tears that he didn’t even notice had fallen, his eyes stinging and vision becoming blurry. “Huh,” he tried to wipe them away, but they kept on coming. “Fuck… fuck, dude, I’m sorry for being like this. I didn’t notice, fuck.”

“No, no, it’s all right! Totally fine, man. This is why I came here. I wanted to see if you were okay and, well, I think it’s safe to say we need to work on something, eh?”

They laughed together with bitterness caught in their throats. “Come on, no need to call me out like that,” Avi squeezed out under all his giggling. Their laughing fit sounded silly, but the two of them hardly knew how to handle anything seriously. Some laughter was necessary for both of them.

When they finally stopped laughing, Magnus nudged Avi. “So, what do you say? What’s the big issue?”

“Ah… I’m gonna be truthful with you here. I’ve honestly just been down lately and needed some alone time. I didn’t want to bother you guys, so I just tried to run away, but like, that didn’t really work out well. And from that, I felt lonely… I just didn’t know how to get back in touch with you guys without it being awkward so I just kept myself here,” Avi answered, but his first sentence fell flat. He heard it himself. Avi prayed that Magnus wouldn’t mention it.

“Man… that sounds difficult. Sorry you’re, uh, going through whatever you’re going through,” Magnus muttered and rubbed the back of his neck. His voice held a tone of pity. It tore Avi out from the inside, even if he knew that Magnus didn’t mean it, but he did not voice that. 

“If it makes you feel any better, next time you and the girls wanna go out to the gym, I’ll come. That’s a promise, you can quote me on that.”

Excitement filled Magnus’ eyes in an instant. “Really? You’ll come?” he repeated, almost in disbelief. _Huh, he really missed me_ , Avi noticed. It made him feel bad that he locked himself away like that. He nodded to reinstate his point. 

“Dude, you better not be lying. If I tell them you’re coming and you don’t, they’ll kick the shit outta me.”

Avi shook his head and wiped the remaining tears that rolled down his cheeks. “I promise, dude. I really promise.”

Though he voiced no doubts or concerns, something about the smile Magnus gave showed that he was not entirely sure Avi told his very truth. “That was easier than I thought. I knew we could talk through it,” he commented. With a sharp inhale, he stood up and ruffled Avi’s hair as he did. “Well, then I’ll see ya when we meet up! I gotta go meet up with Julia, but if you ever need me… just give me a call, all right? Right.” He did not wait for an answer as he rushed to the door, putting his jacket and boots back on.

Something tugged at Avi’s chest. Something that made him desperate for Magnus’ hand to rest upon his shoulder, to call out for his friend and make him stay, to tell him exactly what he was going through, exactly what he had been feeling for years. It itched in the back of his throat to call out to him, but he could not find the right words. “See ya,” came out instead and Magnus waved him goodbye before he left the room. 

Suddenly Avi became desperate for the heat that Magnus had provided with his touch. The part of his shoulder that had Magnus laid his hands on tingled and ached for more contact. It sucked the remaining warmth out of Avi and he quickly covered the area with his shirt, hoping that would suffice until another time.

That’s when Avi realized that his apartment had grown cold for the first time in a month. When he glanced at where Johann once hovered, he couldn’t find a trace of him.

Memories are funny little things that come and go, especially when you’re dead. They can come up at the funniest times. Sometimes they are random, nonsensical, having nothing to do with anything in the current time. Sometimes they aren’t. This is no exception for Johann.

October is a quiet month. There are no big holidays for October, not like Candlenights in December or Midsummer Solstice in June. It’s a month of the cold settling in, the transition between the warm side of autumn into the cold side. It’s a quiet, dying time. A time to think and reflect.

With Johann watching him play Stardew Valley right by him, Avi felt comfortable. He felt no rush with his own personal heater right by his side, his focus solely on the calming gameplay. Fall 18 in-game held no significance to him, but it was Marnie’s birthday. He loved giving the NPCs their favourite gift on their birthday, so Avi didn’t hesitate to grab a diamond from his chest of valuables and run straight to Marnie’s ranch.

Johann noticed. “What are you doing? What are you doing with that? Aren’t they pretty rare? You only have a handful left. Is it for a request?” he prodded. The questions were silly, but Avi didn’t judge him. The game interested Johann in the same lengths that Minecraft did. He questioned everything and anything, wishing to learn more about how video games functioned. Avi provided all his answers with a smile.

“You know the nice lady who gave me the animals? The one that lives on the farm with Shane?” 

“Oh, the one that fucked the mayor in the bush?”

Avi snorted. “Yes, her. Her name’s Marnie. It’s her birthday today! One of her favourite items is a diamond, and if you gift someone something they really love, your friendship points get raised by a shit-ton. I haven’t spoken to her much and I don’t have a big relationship with her, so I hope this makes up for it.”

Johann’s heat flared up suddenly, causing Avi to flinch, but before he could ask what happened, it died down as quickly as it appeared. “That… that makes sense,” he whispered. His voice immediately changed to a soft one, quiet and shaky.

The voice sounded familiar. It reminded Avi of the time he questioned Johann’s memories. The image of a burning, terrified Johann flashed in his head. “You all right? If it makes you uncomfortable, I can go give her something else. Pretty sure I can make her a Farmer’s Lunch, I think she likes those,” he explained, ready to turn his character back around. 

“No, no. You already got the stuff, please continue,” Johann sighed. A puff of hotter air escaped him when he did.

“You sure? You seem frustrated. You need to talk?”

“No.” His reply was firm, but his tone got even more quiet. “I’m just… thinking.” 

That got Avi to stop persisting. He knew that when Johann needed to think, he needed nothing interrupting him. He walked back to Marnie’s house and patiently waited until nine am hit for him to enter the farmhouse.

When it hit nine am in the game and Avi entered Marnie’s house, Johann questioned, “What day is it?” The question held urgency, like his life depended on the answer. Not that he had a ‘life’ to worry about.

“Like, in-game or in real life?”

“ _Both_.”

“Uh, it’s Fall 18th in Stardew and October 16th in real life. Why?”

Johann didn’t answer. His eyes stayed glued to the screen, his ears twitched with concentration, but he did not make a sound.

He had done many similar actions when Avi did mundane things, such as cooking a specific meal, cleaning his bedroom, playing a game. Even just a random song would get Johann to become tense and ask seemingly irrelevant questions. Then the conversation would drop, and Johann would seem disappointed for a while after. It got a little frustrating for Avi, too. It made the situation uncomfortable afterwards, especially since Johann refused to explain what it was about.

 _Whatever,_ Avi thought to himself. _It’s probably more worse for him._

Avi gifted the shiny gemstone to Marnie.

_“A birthday gift? That’s very kind of you! I love it.”_

Their silence extended longer than Avi found comfort in. The in-game day passed by easily, his character tending to his farm animals and crops, running for a quick mining expedition well into the nighttime. Not until it hit 12 am in-game did Avi hurriedly rush back to his farm, dumping his items into the wooden box for a profit and rushing to his bed for the next day.

As Avi’s character rushed into bed, that’s when the silence broke.

“My birthday. My birthday is in two days,” Johann mumbled, his voice shaky as he came the realization.

“What? You’re telling me _now_?” Avi blurted out louder than he wanted to. 

Turning to look at Avi, Johann’s eyes were full of shock and confusion. “I didn’t… I didn’t remember!” he stuttered out. “I didn’t even know I _forgot_. I— I stopped celebrating it a century after my death… or was it two centuries? I thought it was useless, I stopped counting, then I guess I just forgot? But I remember. It’s always been that day. My birthday is October 18th. It’s in two days. It’s always been that way.

“I… Avi, I forgot my own _birthday_.”

What could Avi say? What sentence could heal the feeling of being so disconnected from a life you wanted other people to remember you by, that you forget yourself? He still hadn’t gotten used to comforting Johann all that well. Pausing his game, Avi reached for Johann’s hand like he always did, even if they never made physical contact. The hardest part was saying something comforting.

“What… uh, what did you used to do for your birthday?” Avi inquired. He tried to sound as sincere as he could, try to make it sound like the question had some sort of meaning, but he just had no clue what he was saying and he felt _scared_. The mood had switched from relaxed to stressed so quickly it made Avi’s head spin. 

Johann’s hand curled into a fist. It tried so hard to grip Avi’s, but it never did. “My birthdays were always small. I _never_ liked big parties. It would just be my mother and a couple of friends. I don’t remember what my friends look like anymore. I don’t remember their names. They’d give me gifts. Simple gifts, but gifts that I loved. Jewelry, new books, something new and exotic to plant—” Johann‘s sentences picked up the pace, his eyes distant and strained as if he were chasing the memories right there on the spot. 

“I’d always play them a small piece, something that made us all thrilled. They always liked it when I played for them. Then I’d… they’d give me a treat. It was small but sweet, fit just in the palm of my hand. A small cake in a little cup. I remember it had icing on the top. I always looked forward to it.”

The rambling halted. Avi caught Johann’s bottom lip quivering, but he turned his face away immediately after.

”Fuck, I’m sorry for ruining your game,” Johann apologized.

 _Damn it._ Avi’s hands clenched tighter. “That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, you hear me? I took you in ‘cause I wanted to help you. So _please_ , Johann, let me help you.”

“It’s just... why do I try so hard to hold on to these memories that I seem to forget so easily? They flee from me even as I talk about them now. I fear being forgotten, but I’m forgetting myself. I will run out of memories by the time your friend comes. I am probably a whole different person than the one who was alive. If I am brought back to the living world, I won’t have those memories to bring with me. Why does my birthday matter when I can’t remember those moments I had during it? Who will I be without them?”

More questions. Avi answered that question with a smile, too. Even if it held some sadness.

”We’re going to _make_ new memories. We’re going to create new memories that you’re gonna remember for years. All the while, you’re going to be whoever you want to be. You will be _you_ , Johann. That’s gonna be my birthday gift to you.”

Avi ended up meeting with his friends again at the gym the next day. The air crisp with autumn chill made the whole ordeal a bigger struggle for Avi, who had gotten a little out of shape during his worrying hiatus, but after some friendly banter his friends helped him out. It felt odd being with them again, Killian’s loud laughter ringing in his ears, Carey’s quick punch to his arm as she sang her woes about not seeing him in almost two months, Magnus’s cheerful smile on his face at all times. 

It took away from the waves of cold Avi noticed he felt during his time away from Johann. Insisting on letting it be a day to catch up with friends, Johann fought to stay at the apartment. I need some time alone. Besides, I don’t think I’m ready to go outside of this apartment yet. He kept his warmth with him, the warmth Avi constantly had around him for almost two months. The lack of it threw him off, but he attempted to ignore it. He was with friends.

After their quick session, cut short after Avi insisted he needed to stop, Killian offered everyone a snack at the nearby café. “My treat, since we got our little dork back,” she slapped her hand on Avi’s back playfully, but pulled away quickly. Never had Avi been so acutely aware of just how much he and his friends made quick contact until he craved for a longer touch.

The café radiated warmth. That’s the first thing Avi noticed. Even when he ordered an iced coffee, he felt warm talking to his friends in their booth. He never realized just how much he missed talking with the three of them. Though his shoulders felt cold with the lack of Johann, being with the three of them rekindled something else.

“You know, Avi, I wanted to ask you something that I didn’t think was appropriate to ask when we first met up,” Magnus brought up.

“Oh? Ask it.”

“Well, Taako’s hosting an early Candlenights party next month and I’m helping him with the planning and the invitations, so I wanted you to come! It’ll help you get out more, y’know?”

Carey rolled her eyes and took a sip from her hot chocolate. “It’s all he’s been talking about. Be glad he wasn’t yapping away while we were at the gym or we would have been there for at least two hours longer.”

“I’m just excited! Look, it’s gonna be great and it’ll be so much fun having you there. There’s gonna be drinks, Candlenights theme, might see a bunch of people from high school. I’m inviting a lot of people, so it might be a little crowded, but it’s not like everyone is gonna show up. I think it’s just perfect to get ya back into the swing of things!” Magnus went on.

”Why a Candlenights party so early? Isn’t December easier? I might not be able to come,” Avi tried to come up with an excuse. 

“Oh, that’s ‘cause Ko’s meeting up with his sister for Candlenights. Remember, she’s studying abroad with her lover boy?” Carey mentioned.

Magnus nodded with excitement. “Yeah, and it’d suck if you didn’t come. It’ll be great, I swear,” he insisted.

Avi knew that Magnus wouldn’t stop nagging him about not coming if he declined, so he sucked in his sigh and nodded. “Yeah man, that sounds good. Just send me the information whenever you can, you know I won’t remember it if you tell me now.”

“Awesome! Now I’ll have all my friends there. It’s gonna be so fucking sick!” exclaimed Magnus, causing a few heads to turn and earned a flick to the forehead by Killian.

“Shut it or you’re gonna get us kicked out again.” 

“Again? When did this happen?” asked Avi.

The girls turned to glare at Magnus, who gave a nervous smile. “Care to explain what he missed, Maggie?” Carey hummed.

Magnus sighed, but a smile still managed a way to his face. “Okay, well, let me preface this with some background information: it was mid-August, I was kinda drunk, and I had a Narf gun…”

Avi felt immersed in the conversation. They had laughs together, stories being bounced back and forth until they could hardly breathe. Avi couldn’t remember the last time he laughed that hard, it made his stomach hurt and his head light. He knew well that with this laughing fit combined with the workout his body would ache for days afterwards, but that thought didn’t enter his mind once. He lived in this happy moment with his friends until the café closed, the workers shooing them out of the shop. The cold didn’t even bother him, his cheeks red and warm.

“Hoo boy, it’s getting late. A lot later than I thought!” Magnus pointed out. Avi almost didn’t believe it, but the sun had almost completely disappeared, stars dotting the now dark sky. When he looked down at the time on his phone, it creeped towards 10 pm. Winter approached on their heels, nipping at them with early nights and bitter cold. They had almost forgotten about it. 

“Ah man, it was great catching up with you again, Avi. Hopefully, this isn’t just a one-time thing?” Killian spoke up. She had a loving smile. She cared about him. It made Avi feel guilty, like he had done something bad for avoiding them. 

“You need a drive home, you two? Killian I came with the car and we don’t mind bringing you guys,” Carey offered. 

“I’ll come! Don’t feel like taking the bus again. I’m worn out, I tell ya,” Magnus responded.

Avi shook his head. “Nah, my place isn’t too far from here. I’ll walk. Besides, I have to pick something up real quick. I’ll see you all soon, promise. Especially at that party. Don’t forget to send me the info, Magnus.”

“I won’t, I won’t!” Magnus waved him away. With a quick goodbye, his friends left together, and Avi was alone again. He wouldn’t be for too long though. Turning to the direction of his apartment, he bolted towards it. More specifically, a bakery that was near it.

A lone candle sat upon a cupcake in the dark, illuminating the dark apartment.

“Do your eyelids even stop you from seeing things? I mean, they’re just as translucent as your eyes,” Avi pointed out.

“I swear to all the gods above that I cannot see shit, sir. My eyes are closed as the room is dark. The goddess of death could be right in front of me to take me to the afterlife and I wouldn’t even see her damn hands if they were an inch away from my throat.”

“Okay, okay, I get it! Was just making sure.”

Johann hovered in front of the coffee table, his hands covered over his closed eyes. The fire from the candle flickered below him. It was no jewelry, no new book, no new exotic plant, just a simple chocolate cupcake with the most expensive purple icing Avi could afford. It initially took some effort for him to hide it from Johann, but since he didn’t need to open the refrigerator, it was easy to store. He wondered if it would be enough, but he couldn’t go back.

“All right,” Avi cleared his throat. He picked up the cupcake and steadied his hands right in front of Johann. “You can open your eyes now.”

Hesitance. Johann’s hands trembled with hesitance when he removed them from his eyes, which remained closed. He took a deep breath that filled no lungs and opened them, and his eyes landed straight to the cupcake. The light from the candle grew to a height that didn’t seem possible from a candle that small. Avi didn’t comment on it.

“I know it’s not much, considering you can’t really eat it and all… but it’s a start. A hope that someday, you might— no, you _will_ celebrate another birthday that you will remember. A birthday that’s gonna be remembered for centuries, Johann.”

Shaky hands reached to cup around Avi’s that held the cupcake, Johann’s form jittery as he tried to compose himself. They still phased through each other, but it did not stop him from keeping his hands around Avi’s as close as he could. “Gods… fuck, if I could I’d be wailing right now,” he choked out. 

“Happy birthday, Johann.” Avi raises the cupcake higher to Johann’s face. “Make your wish. Just don’t blow with your hot breath, okay? I wanna keep my eyebrows.“

”Gods, sir—“

”And you know... maybe you could play me piece, if you’re up for it? You can play whatever you want. You play wonderfully, by the way. Have I ever told you that? You really, really do.”

“Thank you, Avi,” Johann hummed. His lips pulled into a full, _real_ smile. A smile so sincere, so full of life and warmth, that in the light of the candle Avi could’ve mistaken his friend for being alive. “Really. Thank you.”

The candle blew out, a wish was made, and the apartment went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it just me or is this chapter weirdly sad? i swear i didn’t mean it. i need to put happier things into this fic. but oh boy that’s gonna have to wait for another chapter cuz the next one is gonna be a doozy. ok love u bye


	4. the bugs and the dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November is a skittish month. Avi learns some cool tricks, Johann gets invited, and Avi makes some poor decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a BITCH to write but im?? kinda chill with it. except like this is almost twice as long as the last chapter but it feels??? short?? pretty sure I said that last chapter. maybe im just stupid. who knows! certainly not me.

Autumn had never been Avi’s favourite season. Not when everything died all around him, or when the snow fell at random intervals. It dragged his mood down worse than winter. At least in winter everything was dead already. 

Even Johann’s supernatural heat had less range than it did last month. Avi shuffled closer to him as evening came about, even going so far as turning the heating back on again when he slept. 

“Your vibe is horrendous, sir.” Avi peeked out from under his weighted blanket to see Johann hovering straight in front of him with the most deadpan expression he had seen on him, which was quite a feat.

“Excuse me— my _what?_ ”

“Did I say it correctly? I thought I did. Vibe, you said it was like a mood? Energy? Well, yours frankly makes me feel like I’m watching a puppy being kicked,” Johann murmured. “Get off the floor, at least. It can’t be comfortable lying down there all day.”

It felt comfortable for Avi, though he couldn’t find the strength to get up. “Just leave me here to die. In the cold. With my _horrendous_ vibes, as you said,” he whined, shimmying back into his hot and heavy blanket. 

“You can’t stay on the floor listening to the same Mitski songs over and over again, sir.”

“That’s a lie. You’re watching me do it right now.”

A sigh. Then a tug at the blanket. Johann let out a groan as he tried to pick up the weighted blanket to no avail. “Come on, we don’t need another dead gu— fuck, what’s with this piece of fabric? Is it supposed to be this heavy or did I get shittier at picking things up again?” he complained. He resorted to shoving it off of Avi’s disheveled face. 

“What do you want?” grumbled Avi. “Just let me be here. I don’t have anything to do.”

“It’s Sunday. You’ve been doing this since Friday. You only leave to eat, piss and you got up maybe once to water your succulent which I _forced_ you to.”

“And?” 

Johann’s eyes flickered away, trying not to make eye contact with Avi anymore. “Well, um… I’m wor— no… I’m just bored. And I want you to have fun. Usually you’re the one who’s telling me to lighten up, now _I_ have to do it? Good grief. Just humour me for a day, sir.” While he played it off as nonchalant, Avi caught that small tone of worry. 

_I’ve made enough people worry in my life. One more wouldn’t hurt._

Except Johann only had him. In a world of billions, Johann only had Avi close by.

“Fine,” Avi stood up and let the blanket hang around his shoulders, “I’ll humour you. What do you want to do?”

“I want to teach you magic.”

“What?” Avi looked skeptical, sitting down on his couch. “Why would I wanna learn magic? I _did_ tell you that we hardly use it anymore in this century, right? Some people just study it to be in touch with the old world or something like that.”

Johann clicked his tongue and floated just above Avi’s lap, laying with his stomach facing down and his legs kicking in the air like a teen girl. “Yes, you have told me, but magic is still useful in everyday life. Just a single cantrip, please? It’ll be sure to help you on days like these where you don’t feel the need to do anything. I’ll leave you alone afterwards,” he bargained, pushing his bottom lip in a pout. It looked off-putting on his impassive face, but it oddly charmed Avi.

“Magic it is, then.” Johann shifted to a sitting position, his hand on his chin as he thought. “I’m starting you off with prestidigitation. It’s a transmutation cantrip, and it doesn’t require a lot of energy.”

“Oh, Taako’s sister, Lup used to study that when she was in her magical goth phase during high school. You get to, like, make shit out of thin air, yeah?” 

Johann did his signature eye roll then stretched his palm in front of him. “Of course that’s what people have reduced it to nowadays. Yes, that’s a piece of it, but you can use the cantrip in many ways. You can make patterns appear in thin air, you can clean things around you if you don’t feel like doing it yourself, hell, you can even reheat leftovers as long as you keep concentration. You do that a lot. It’s much easier than using that loud, annoying heat box that makes the beeping noise.”

“Aw geez, you can do all that with just _one_ spell? And they’ve been selling us this technology to replace something like this? Gods, I hate capitalism,” Avi half-joked.

A shadow of a smirk appeared on Johann’s face. “Whatever you make with this spell will only last an hour, but it’s very easy to just do the spell again. I think it’ll help a lot when you get down like this again,” he said.

“It’s fairly simple to do, though that may be because I had a lot of practice. All you need is an open hand, a clear intention of what you want to do, some concentration and…” With a flick of his hand, an illusion of a small, faded jellyfish floated on the palm of his hand. “It’s, uh, not supposed to be that faded, if I can recall correctly. I guess because I’m dead my magic is a little skewed,” he noted, then waved away the jellyfish.

Seeing the simple trick made Avi a little anxious. “Man, I don’t know… Like, what am I supposed to concentrate on? What do I make? How are you even sure I can do magic?” he asked.

The brush of hot air against Avi’s lips got him to shut up. Johann’s hand hovered over his mouth in a way to shush him, his eyes glaring but holding no anger. He sighed, “Just… _focus._ Think of something simple. A gust of wind, a little key, first thing that pops into your mind! Just envision it in your head. Focus on that image, that idea you want to put out into the world, focus on it _existing._ It’ll be easier and quicker once you get used to it. For now, just let that be the only thing you think about.”

Those instructions were simple, but Avi still had the feeling of doubt in his head. He didn’t want to embarrass himself doing something wrong in front of Johann. 

There was a start. Taking a deep breath, Avi closed his eyes and tried to think of something. He clenched his hands into fists, his nails digging into his skin. He tried to focus on something, _anything_. Frustration built up in his chest and just as he felt it would explode, he opened his eyes and saw nothing had changed.

“Fucking hell, Johann, this is stu—”

 _Thwack!_ The sensation of a pillow coming into contact with his face made Avi choke on his gasp, sending him into a coughing fit. Johann, who held the pillow in his flickering hands, sneered, “You’re focusing too hard on _focusing._ You know that the target of what you want to happen needs to be your top priority, right? Right?”

Avi rubbed his slightly irritated nose. “Right. Got it. _Totally_ got it.”

For a moment, Johann’s face fell. It settled on a soft look, sympathy plastered all over him. It didn’t last long before being replaced with his neutral expression, but it was there. “Here,” Johann dropped the pillow and moved his hands to push away the weighted blanket off of his shoulders, “let’s get that off of you. Less weight off your shoulders. Now, try again. Think of something that makes you… happy.”

 _What makes me happy?_ The thought popped up in Avi’s head, but it didn’t sound like a rhetorical one. It didn’t _feel_ like a rhetorical question. What really made him happy?

An answer didn’t come right away. Avi closed his eyes for a second time and just let himself feel for a moment. He felt the weightlessness on his shoulders with his blanket gone, his dull nails burrowing into his calloused skin, Johann’s heat bleeding into the cold area around him. He relished those feelings, let them sink into his chest and pictured something that made him happy.

Avi focused on it.

He focused.

And focused.

He heard the faint sound of music. Avi recognized it immediately as the broken, lost piece that Johann played the day after they met. It filled his head instantly, his head instinctively trying to fill in the gaps Johann left behind.

The emotion came suddenly. Avi’s chest bursted with a tender feeling that left him feeling breathless.

He would’ve stayed in that position for hours if not for Johann’s faint giggle.

The curiosity to see what would’ve made Johann giggle far outweighed Avi’s anxiety to see if he did the spell right. His eyes flung open at landed straight on Johann, who hid his mouth with his hands to hide the grin that was only visible from how his eyes squinted with how big it was.

That’s when Avi’s eyes turned down towards his hands. He expected nothing. He expected nothing in his hands, to have embarrassment flood his systems and make him run to his room and hide for the rest of the day. It wouldn’t have surprised him. Magic just wasn’t in his blood. He’s just not good at the things he wants to be good at. That’s what he told himself, anyway.

A small violin the size of Avi’s thumb rested upon the middle of his hand. His fingers clasped around it, thinking it would feel like nothing was there and that he just imagined it. The tiny strings and pegs bit into his skin immediately, and when he opened his hand again, small imprints were left on his skin.

“Huh, you like my music that much, do ya?” Johann teased.

Still, Avi couldn’t believe it. “You— no, this, it couldn’t— you had to have put it there yourself! I didn’t do anything, I wasn’t thinking of that,” he insisted. “I would’ve known if it was me. It would’ve felt unnatural, that’s what magic is. I don’t have magic, Johann, this doesn’t…”

Catching that Avi trailed off, Johann took the small violin into his hands. “I wouldn’t have done it. You know that. I know you know that. And of course it didn’t feel unnatural. Magic doesn’t just disappear. Magic doesn’t stay old, lost to time like the rest of us. It’s around you at all times. You just need to know how to tap into it. It always starts off with something happy. And if I am—” his eyes widened as he caught himself— “Pardon me, I mean, if my _music_ is enough to make you happy… happy enough to bring out some magic? Then it will feel natural, sir.”

The explanation sounded simple. Simple enough that it shouldn’t have meant something. Yet Avi’s chest felt lighter listening to Johann’s words. Light with happiness, he would come to realize. 

“I think I like doing this magic stuff with you, dude. It’s… nice,” admitted Avi.

“I’m guessing you want me to leave you alone now, like I promised?” Johann hummed, an eyebrow raised slightly. 

His question made Avi anxious again, his eyes wide. He shook his head and even reached out for Johann, who hadn’t even moved. “No, no! Please, stay. Change your promise to that you’ll stay with me. Please.”

That sliver of a smile sneaked its way into Johann’s face before he could hide it. Avi’s chest got a kick that it had never felt so strong before.

Johann returned the small violin to its creator.

“Okay, Avi. I promise. A promise is a promise. I take my promises very seriously.”

_Plink!_

A message from Magnus. Avi had just entered the bus after class. He had just spoken to Magnus before leaving, so he didn’t know what the other could have forgotten to mention. Opening it up immediately, the format of the text, clearly copy and pasted, hit Avi right away. A date, time, address, a familiar phone number. The party.

Not that long ago Magnus had brought it up in the café, but it slipped from Avi’s mind the past few weeks. Seeing the invitation on his phone with people bustling all around him, a pit of dread grew in his chest. Friday, November 29th, two weeks away. Seven pm to midnight, but Avi knew that Taako’s parties lasted a little longer than that. Did he even want to go anymore?

Of course he didn’t, but he knew he would go anyway. Avi told Magnus he would, and while moving to a new continent sounded more pleasant than going to that party, he wouldn’t want to disappoint or scare his friends again. Still, something made him hesitant. Something held him from wanting to jump right into the party that wasn’t just anxious thoughts. It didn’t hit him until he exited the stop next to his apartment.

Staring at the entrance to the building, it settled in just how uncomfortable he had been the whole day. He had felt it since October, but never paid it much mind. When he stood there, thinking about what kept him from being confident to walk the floors of campus or to be happy he got invited to go to a party with his friends, it dawned. It became even clearer when the sound of a violin made his hands become fidgety and his chest feel tight.

Friends were great. Avi loved his group, he’s had them since high school. But listening to the violin, inches away from his apartment door, Avi realized that he wanted Johann to come with him.

“Hey! Avi!”

The voice next to him made Avi jump, whipping towards the sound. His eyes averted downwards to an old dwarf man with a fixed glare. “Oh, uh, Merle! How’s, uh, what’s up?” Avi greeted with a stiff smile. 

“Just peachy. Look I’m just gonna cut to the chase, I don’t know where you got the knack for playing the violin, and I’m not shitting on your playing skills, but could you maybe _not_ play a recording of whatever you’re practicing while you’re out doing whatever? Again, your sound is great, but other neighbours are gonna end up ticked, and they’re not gonna warn you like I’m doing. Might wanna chill with that.”

Complaints would come eventually. Avi knew that after the first few weeks living with Johann. Sure, he played magnificently, even when he had trouble playing certain parts of old songs, and was respectful enough to not play at night, but Avi forgot that Johann had to do _something_ while he was in class. Many people didn’t take too kindly to music being played at any time of day.

Embarrassment flooded Avi immediately. “Yeah, um, fuck, sorry. It was an accident, I’ll remember to turn it off. But, uh, yeah, fuck I’m sorry.”

Merle waved him off, huffing as he turned back to his apartment. “One apology was enough. Just keep it down, a’ight?” With that, he entered his apartment. Avi forgot he had neighbours. They hardly ever talked to him, except Merle. He hadn’t spoken to him in a while, around the time he started dodging his friends. It felt a little insulting that this was their first conversation in a few months, but Avi kept his mouth shut as he entered his own apartment.

“What’s his problem?” Johann scoffed when Avi closed the door, the spectral copies of his violin and bow dangling from his hands. “Do you know how much money would pay to listen to my music? He’s getting a show from one of the greatest violinists in Neverwinter, basically _ever_ , for free! I find this hard to believe.”

It’s not surprising Johann heard the conversation. Avi grumbled and walked into his kitchen, dropping his coat and shoes along with his bag wherever he could. “Wow, getting confident now, are we? But you heard the man, try to chill it with the playing,” he restated, grabbing a slice of leftover pizza from the fridge. He stared at it intently, concentrating on the slice. It was an easy thing to practise prestidigitation, and he had done it enough times by then, getting better and easier each time.

“Fine, _fine._ I’ll tone it down. But if I return alive and well, I’m gonna give that man an earful. I’m the life of this building’s party, I swear it.”

Right. The party. Avi’s chest felt tight again. He didn’t understand why, it’s not like he was going alone. His close friends were going, old high school acquaintances would be there, and sure, maybe some strangers that Taako knew that he didn’t. Yet there was no real reason he wanted Johann to come. 

But Avi wanted it. He really, really did.

It wouldn’t hurt to ask Johann to come, would it?

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Avi spoke up, taking a bite out of his newly reheated pizza. His heart sped up a couple beats, asking himself _why_ he was asking this question. It had gotten annoying. Constantly doubting and worrying had gotten so tiring.

“You just did,” Johann joked.

“Haha, hilarious. Seriously though, I’ve got a question.”

That got Johann’s attention. Dropping his spectral instrument, which dematerialized once out of his hands, he sat on the kitchen counter. “Ask away then,” he said, picking at his nails that never changed.

“Well, um, I got invited to a party. Taako is hosting an early Candlenights party at the end of this month, my friends are going, it’s, uh, it’s gonna be awesome.”

Johann raised a brow. “Okay…? Magnificent. You got invited. Congratulations! Now, what does that have to do with me or the question you have for me?” 

Why did his throat tighten? Why was it so hard to ask Johann a simple question? “I, uh, I know I already got my friends there, but, um… I don’t, I don’t know, it would sort of feel incomplete without you there. And I, you know, I just kind of want you to come with me?” Avi stuttered out, staring down at his half-eaten slice. He started losing his appetite the longer he spoke.

Surprise became clear on Johann’s face. The changes were subtle, they always had been, but Avi grew to recognize those small changes. Pointed ears pointed to the ceiling, his usual hunched over back straightened out just slightly, his pupils becoming pools of translucent black in a cat-like manner. 

Johann jumped straight into questioning, “Why? Why do you want me to come? It’s not like I can enjoy anything there. Avi, people can’t _see_ me unless they think I exist, if you’ve forgotten that. And if they so happen to actually believe in me, do you know how fucking weird it would be to see a ghost just lingering around, following some dude with a burned violin?”

The defensiveness came with a bite, one that stung Avi, but he pushed down any feeling of embarrassment. “‘Cause you’re my friend! I don’t want to go to some party without my friend. Does it even matter if other people can’t see you right now? _I_ can see you! Isn’t that what matters? And you really help me when I’m feeling down, which I’m really worried that I’m gonna freak out in front of all those people I haven’t seen in months. I just want you there to be happy because you really do make me happy. Sorry if I didn’t make that obvious enough for you,” Avi blurted.

That made both of them silent. Avi couldn’t even believe he said that out loud. “Gods, um, I didn’t mean to say all of that. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, like, really, I wouldn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to—”

“No, it’s fine,” Johann cut him off and hopped off the counter. He stood in front of Avi. It was probably the first time Avi saw him standing with his feet on the floor instead of hovering around his head. Johann had to look up to him instead of the other way around. 

“I’m sorry I said all that. I just… I told you I didn’t like big parties, right? I just don’t like the noise or the crowds or anything like that, but I know you don’t either. If you really would feel more comfortable with me going, then I will. Just… just _promise_ me you won’t leave me too far away from your side?” Johann stressed. 

The question sounded silly at first. Why would he even do that? But Johann’s hands were curled tightly into fists, the kitchen felt sizzling hot, and his eyes held desperateness in them. Johann looked scared. Avi hated it when he looked that scared. There never seemed to be an external reason for it. Johann has to deal with thoughts and feelings he’s had for centuries, and Avi could not even dream to soothe them, but he could try.

“I promise, Johann. I promise it. I’ll even try to leave early if you feel that uncomfortable. I promise you can trust me,” insisted Avi. His arms twitched to hug Johann, but he couldn’t. Every. Single. Day. It became more apparent, but the urge to hug him just grew stronger. It tore him apart, ravaging his chest like a caged tiger. Johann was his friend. He needed to hug his friend.

It would be a long while until he could. Johann walked straight through Avi, a sensation that sent shivers down his spine despite it being so unbearably _hot_ in the temperature sense, and hovered above the fridge. It felt like some sort of sick taunt at that moment. “Okay, I trust you. Now, can we play Minecraft again? I want to build a disco. I skipped that whole era, but saw it being mentioned on the television, so I want to make a disco.”

Gods, Johann drove him insane in the nicest way possible. Avi really appreciated a friend like him.

Standing outside of Taako’s house in the autumn evening, alone, would usually be cold and frightening. In any other time that Avi didn’t accept Magnus’s silly dare, that’s exactly what he would’ve felt. Except he had Johann, hovering just above his shoulders, clinging to the straps of the small duffle bag that carried his violin. His warmth enveloped Avi like it did countless times before, but that moment felt special in its own way.

“Can I give you some constructive criticism? The bag looks _very_ suspicious. Are you sure you didn’t have a smaller bag?” 

Avi sighed and walked up the steps to Taako’s abode. “For the last time, I know, and I swear I don’t. You watched me look everywhere. It was this or a Fantasy Costco plastic bag,” he muttered. His heart pounded with each step. He wondered Johann could hear it from how loud it was, but he pushed onward. He just hoped Magnus, Killian or Carey were inside.

Still, Johann did not seem too happy. “My violin better not get banged up in there. Remember, my soul is attached to it. You break it and I’m out of commission, dear,” he stated.

“All right, all right, I get it! Now, try to keep close and remember I can’t really _talk_ to you once we’re inside,” Avi reminded Johann, who simply huffed in response. 

Turning to the door, something felt caught in Avi’s throat. The faint murmuring and laughter came from inside the house, but it was no full party. He came a little early, not thinking about the possibility that he could end up there alone with Taako, the dude he hung out with in high school only when Magnus was around. However, hearing the booming laughter of his good pal, Avi took one last relish of Johann’s gentle warmth and knocked on the door.

The door swung open just half a second later, Magnus and Taako toppling over themselves right in front of Avi. “Holy— what the fuck!” Avi yelped, pulling his bag close to his body to make sure neither of them pulled on it as they scrambled to get up.

“Avi, so good to see you! Glad you could make it,” Taako laughed out as he used Magnus to stand up, which sent the latter face planting into the pavement. “You’re early! People have just barely arrived yet. Real excited for Candlenights, huh? Gods, I don’t think I’ve seen you since prom.”

 _I don’t want to be reminded of that,_ Avi cursed inwardly, but plastered a smile on his face. “Hey, what can I say? I’ve just been busy,” he shrugged, helping Magnus up, who had promptly just eaten shit right in front of them.

“You know, I can’t imagine you in prom. What was it like?” Johann questioned. When Avi gave him a quick glance and said nothing, he remembered what they had just said a few moments earlier. “Right, I forgot. Very easy to forget.”

Magnus leaned on Avi’s side, resting an arm around his and Taako’s shoulder, and led them inside. “I’m just happy you came! Kinda expected you to stay home or whatev, but dude, I _promise_ you it’s gonna be great! Ko’s got the best parties and a bunch more people are coming, yeah?” 

“Of course! Got a bunch’a connections coming all around. ‘S gonna be great, even got some of your favourite brandy. I remember how much you like it!” Taako hummed and made his way to his living room. Avi followed him by his heels, who was scanning the rooms for any people he recognized. Carey, Killian, that stoner kid Robbie, he even glimpsed Kravitz, Taako’s high school sweetheart, and a few other people he couldn’t quite name.

“Oh, uh, brandy? I’ve been trying to limit how much I’ve been drinking for a while now, so I might pass.”

“Aw, really? C’mon, that’s not what the Avi I know would say. Just this party, please? It’s from your town!” Taako grabbed the bottle from the liquor cabinet with a grin, but his eyes laid on the duffle bag Avi had dug his nails into. “Yo, what’s with the bag? You carryin’ a body in there or something?”

 _Damn, it can’t be_ that _weird, right?_ Avi looked towards Johann, who hovered above the kitchen and admiring the mini chandelier, and gave a nervous smile once again. “Uh, just got back from the gym! Didn’t have much time to go home or else I would’ve been, like, actually late. It’s just, um, clothes. Yeah.”

A visible grimace settled on Taako’s face. “That’s fair, I guess. You can dump it in a closet or washroom if you want. You don’t gotta carry it everywhere. Here, why don’t you pour yourself a glass of your favourite drink, loosen up a little and I’ll go dump your bag somewhere?” he offered, unscrewing the bottle and grabbing a glass.

Johann grumbled and moved closer to Taako. “You better not give this stranger my violin. I’ll kill you if you do,” he pushed himself closer to Avi. “Just say you’ll do it yourself. Make him pour the cup. Dump it in a nearby washroom. This place is a lot bigger than your apartment, but I’m sure I can reach most of the places here,” instructed Johann.

Avi didn’t think of any other possibility. “Uh, just pour me one! I’ll go put this away myself,” he said, rushing out of the kitchen and waving to the friends who greeted him.

“Bathroom’s to the left! There’s also one on the second floor no one really uses,” Taako called out.

A second floor. _This place sure is big,_ Avi remarked, walking up the stairs to go to the second bathroom. Carefully placing the duffle bag on the floor, Avi turned to Johann. “Is this okay? Like, is it comfortable if I kept it here?” he whispered. Johann looked around a little, grounding himself in the area around him and stopped for a second to think.

“I… I think this is fine. I think I can go around most areas of the house. It’s a little too far from the exit for my comfort, but it’s fine as long as I’m with you.”

That last sentence felt strangely comforting. Heat filled Avi’s face, but he swiftly concluded it came from Johann. “Well, I’m gonna go back down. Maybe get a drink of water, talk to my friends, wait for the party to kick up. Then we’ll sorta see how things go from there, I guess,” he sighed.

Before Avi could open the door to leave the bathroom, Johann cleared his throat. “Um, before you do,” he interjected, “I want you to know that I… I want you to have fun. Seriously. So, like that man said, try to ‘loosen up’ a bit? You can have that drink. Talk to your friends, maybe wait for other people to come to go all out, but I want you to have _fun._ Will you do that for me, Avi?”

Even though he tried to downplay it, there was no doubt in Avi’s mind that Johann really cared for him. It felt nice to be cared for like that.

“Yeah, I will.”

“Just don’t have too much fun, all right? Still want you to be sober enough to take us home.”

 _Home._ Johann thought of the little apartment as _home._

If Avi stayed any longer in that bathroom, he probably would’ve bawled. He didn’t know why. He wouldn’t know why for a long time. “I promise, Johann,” Avi mumbled and tried to pass it off as something small, but he meant it. He truly did. 

The steps he took going downstairs felt light. Hell, Avi felt light as a feather. For once he didn’t feel the buzzing in his legs, aching to run away from the situation, nor did he feel his throat tighten up at the mere thought of speaking to people he hasn’t known for all his life. Avi didn’t feel afraid, he just felt warm. Johann followed right beside him, arms lingering so close to his own. It really was something.

Magnus noticed the shift in tone first. “Someone finally ready to chill out with us?” he teased. More people filled Taako’s house, people’s voices starting to intertwine and grow, but Avi remained calm. 

“Hey, what do I have to lose tonight?” Avi mused, running back to the kitchen. A group had formed there, people that Avi hardly knew, but Taako still sat on the island, the glass of brandy full. 

Catching Avi out of the corner of his eye, he beckoned him forward with the drink. “C’mon, man! Got your glass and everything,” he said, handing the glass to Avi, who took it immediately. _Just a couple won’t hurt._

Avi chugged it down in one go. It came to him so naturally; it didn’t burn like he expected it to, going down so smoothly. Johann let out a faint gasp, but he kept any comments he had to himself.

He poured himself another glass.

He drank more.

And he drank more.

Gods, what time was it? How much time had passed? It couldn’t have been very long.

There were so many people.

It was only supposed to be a couple drinks. Why did he continue?

Avi didn’t want to.

…

Yet he kept pouring.

He drank until Johann started getting worried, but by then it was too late. After only a couple of hours, Avi’s stance drooped and swayed along with everyone else’s. So many people had arrived by then, too, and it was so loud. The whole house was bustling with noise, with music far from Candlenights themed blasted all around them. People bumped into each other left and right, it was exactly what a Taako party should be. And Johann _hated_ every second.

“Avi!!” Magnus called from the other side of the room, which caught Avi’s attention. Tearing himself away from whatever conversation he was having with Carey, he turned away from her to follow Magnus’s voice.

Instead, Johann stood before him with a terrified look. “Avi, please _,_ let’s go. I’m getting really uncomfortable. I’m— there’s too much noise, too many people, can we please go?” he pleaded, his spectral body flickering softly. His hands trembled and reached for Avi. “Please, Avi, the violin is upstairs. It’s just upstairs. Please, let’s go. Take a drink of water, just get us ou—”

“C’mon, Johann! Just another hour, yeah? It’s fine, it’s fine…” Avi slurred, swatting away Johann. He stumbled a little forward and gripped onto a stranger to keep himself steady. Everything looked distorted, he could hardly think straight. Where even was he? Where was he going again?

A flutter of heat rippled from Johann, whose eyes were wide and fearful. “No— no, we’re going now! Avi, please, you promised. You promised me, Avi! You said I could trust you. It’s just upstairs, just grab your bag and let’s go,” his pleads contorted into desperate yelling over the noise. 

Magnus howled out again, “Avi, who the fuck are you talkin’ to? Get over here!!” That voice plastered a sloppy grin on his face. His head pounded and drowned out Johann’s begging to leave, his eyes fixed on where Magnus’s voice was coming from.

“Just give me a moment, Jojo…”

“No, we’re leaving now! You’re shitfaced and I’m not letting you back out on your promise! Please, please…”

“Can— can you maybe just shut the fuck up?” Avi spat. Johann fell silent, the laughter and music playing at top volume suddenly blending into one small noise. However, Avi didn’t back down even when he went silent.

“You said you wanted— you wanted me to have fun, right? To ‘loosen up’ or whatever? Well, like, now that I _am_? You’re just, just tryin’ to drag me out! All ‘cause _you’re_ the… the one who’s fucking uncomfortable. Like, have you maybe considered, like, considered the fact that I don’t fucking care right now? Can’t you be a grown ass man and handle the fact that… that I might not get to your dumb as fuck promise for, like, two fucking seconds? May— Maybe consider not _everything’s_ about you all the damn time, dead guy, all right? Right.”

 _I didn’t mean that. I really didn’t,_ Avi wanted to say. _I didn’t mean any of that. I don’t know why I said that. I don’t know what’s going on._ Avi wanted to say a lot of things.

What he wants isn’t what he gets. Avi glared down Johann one last time and stumbled his way over to Magnus, where he collapsed into the arms of his friend in a giggly, drunk ball of a human being. As if he didn’t just berate his recent close friend.

The whole house had suddenly grown uncomfortably, boiling hot.

_Time froze. At least, it seemed frozen for Johann._

I have to get out. I _have_ to get out, _he thought. Johann ran towards the front door with the urge to get out as quickly as possible. He tried to throw himself out the hard, wooden door, to at least be outside from all the noise, away from Avi and his stupid party._

_Pain so excruciating struck Johann in his chest that spread throughout his entire body as he was just an inch away from the door. That pain had become familiar to him. He experienced it all those centuries he stayed trapped in that disgusting, rotted orchestra. It was the only thing he ever physically felt since his death. Though familiar, it was just as painful as ever. Johann stopped in his tracks and let out a scream that would’ve shattered any living being’s ears. If they could even acknowledge him, anyway._

_Taunting. The door taunted him. Johann took a couple steps back, screams and fake spittle escaping his lips, and the pain disappeared as quick as it came._ My violin. It’s too far, _Johann realized. He also realized he had no way of bringing his violin down without getting caught or tired in the process. Johann was stuck here. Without Avi._

 _Johann whipped around quickly. Time went back to normal. Everything was loud again. Johann became away just how close everyone was. They were all around him, passing through him, lingering all around his body. They were touching him, loud and insistent, lapping at his every side like_ flames _they were fire they were burning he was_ burning _he was burning again he always has been—_

_The upstairs bathroom had his violin. Johann forced himself through the countless amount of people and towards the stairs, his mind set on leaving. He ran into the bathroom and grabbed the bag. His hands fumbled for a grip on it. Everything got so difficult suddenly._

_“Come on! Come on, fuck, come on…” Johann growled, his eyes stinging and his throat clenching. He had no tears to shed, no organs to make him choke, but centuries worth of bottled up feelings threatened to spill all over him. Hands, arms, torso, everything blurred and Johann struggled to keep himself together as a humanoid-looking being. Everything came falling apart right in front of him and he couldn’t think straight._

_Avi was his only way out and he broke his promise, but Johann had no other choice. He had to try again. A blurred mass of hardly contained consciousness and something in between life and death, Johann hovered back down the stairs towards his only friend._ I just want to go home. I want to go home with you.

 _Johann eventually found Avi again, but he couldn’t move once he locked his eyes on to him. Avi looked so peaceful in the arms of his taller friend. Magnus, that was his name. Tall, handsome, loud, annoying, but_ alive. _Both of them were. Both of them were so damn alive. A quality Johann had taken for granted._

_Avi looked so happy, so peaceful with his life in this party that he was having fun in. A smile donned his face. He smiled with Magnus. The opposite of the glare he gave to Johann._

_The stoner guy flicked on a lighter. That’s all Johann needed._

_Johann fell apart._

  
  
The fire from Robbie’s lighter came out much, much bigger than a normal flame, and reached the ceiling in a flash. The decorative Candlenights candles scattered across Taako’s house flared up to the same size. Screams came from the party as Robbie dropped his lighter onto the alcohol-covered floor.

Things fell out of control at record speed. Everyone rushed to leave the house, flames growing in height and spreading wherever it could. The fire pulsed as though it were alive, twisting and grabbing anything in its reach. Though visible to no one but Avi, who looked around confused and frightened, Johann hovered in the middle of it all, staring right back at him. “Please don’t leave me, Avi,” Johann begged. He looked deteriorated again, his eyes filled with fear and sorrow. “My violin is upstairs. Please don’t leave me alone.”

If he weren’t drunk out of his mind, Avi would’ve run all the way up the stairs to get the bag. He would’ve comforted Johann, bring him and the flames down into peace. That’s what he would’ve done if sober, but Avi wasn’t sober, now was he?

He ran. Avi ran as fast as he could out of the door, bumping into people as he tore himself away from the house. His vision turned dark and blurry because of the burning heat, his head spinning and making him sick. He only got a few feet away from the house before collapsing into the grass. 

Although the fire raged not too far away from him, Avi didn’t feel warm anymore. His entire body felt cold. Freezing. He fought hard to keep himself awake and listen to the sound of people screaming, someone called for help, if only to just be aware of his surroundings. He felt someone pull him up into their arms, but his eyes could not lock onto their face or their voice. 

“I… I’m missing something. I left something in there,” Avi groaned, but he didn’t fight against the help. Exhaustion filled every inch of his body and everything went blurry.

Avi woke up on his couch with a raging headache. At first he doesn’t know where he is, looking around in confusion. Bile rose in his throat, but he bit it back and forced himself to sit up. His body aches and his clothes smelled of ashes and alcohol, a reminder of last night.

 _Fuck, the party,_ Avi recalled and gripped his head. The events were blurry, but he remembered running away from a fire, even though he couldn’t place a finger on what had caused it. _How did I even get home?_ he questioned. Did Magnus bring him home? Was Magnus even okay? 

Pushing himself from the couch, Avi stumbled towards the kitchen and tried to keep himself balanced. _Gods, I’m never doing that again._ The taste of brandy still flooded his senses. He opened the fridge, grabbed a water bottle and chugged half of it down immediately. Sure, it wouldn’t actually help him with the hangover, but he would do anything to rid himself of the alcohol that stung the back of his throat.

“Holy shit, last night was rough, huh Johann?” Avi called out, his head still foggy. No answer. “Johann? You up, buddy?” he raised his voice a little. Still, no reply ever came. Avi let his face hang in his hands for a moment before taking a sip of water again. _Maybe he’s just resting. Must’ve taken a lot out of him to be there._

The silence didn’t bother him for a while. Not when his hair smelled of soot and everything that moved felt like a personal attack to witness. Johann’s absence didn’t even register in Avi’s head for nearly an hour as he tried to sober himself up by making breakfast.

 _He should be out by now,_ Avi pondered, staring at the coffee table where the violin had rested for months. _Where… where’s my bag?_ A pang of anxiety finally hit him. “Where’s my bag?” he asked out loud and jumped up quick enough to make him dizzy. “Johann? Fuck, Johann, are you here?” Avi rushed around his apartment and looked high and low for Johann and his violin, but was left feeling sick and exhausted with neither in sight.

Then he remembered. They were just small glimpses of memories, blurred and tilted, but he remembers. Johann looked terrified, lost, betrayed. Avi said something wrong. He must have said something wrong to make his friend look at him like _that._ Then it switched— Johann, surrounded by fire, looking horrific as he did that day in September, terrified and he was begging. 

_I left Johann. I fucking_ left _him, I left Johann I c—_

As Avi reached for his phone to call Taako for his bag, as selfish as it sounded, a knock on his door pulled him out of it. “Who’s there?” he replied. His heart pounded in his chest. He couldn’t deal with anything other than finding Johann, not when his friend could be scared or in danger in some house he was a stranger to, one that had just burned. 

“It’s me, Magnus!! Are you okay, Avi? I, uh, got your stuff from last night,” Magnus responded. He sounded as groggy as Avi did.

Relief washed over Avi immediately. Johann was with him, that’s all that mattered. He ran to open the door with a big smile on his face, ready to see Magnus and Johann standing outside, take the violin back and tell Johann just how sorry he was for leaving him behind. They would get as close to a hug as possible, Avi would feel the warmth all around his body like he used to, feel happy to be in each other’s presence again.

What Avi saw instead sapped him of any heat in his body that he had. 

Magnus stood with a sheepish grin with an even more tattered violin in his hands, which looked more burnt than before and now donned a large, jagged crack going down its body. He looked tired. His shoulders sagged underneath his dark hoodie, and his natural glow dimmed to a low amount. However, it wasn’t Magnus that made Avi freeze in his place with his breath caught in his throat, though he wished it was.

Just behind Magnus’s frame, Johann hovered silently, but he looked far from well. His body looked alive with flames, glitching and fading in and out as if it were unstable. His hair and clothes were disheveled and slightly singed at the edges, akin to a burned photograph. Most noticeable was the addition of a large, jagged crack struck down from his left eye down to his chest, making his eye look glassy and dead.

And his eyes burned with pure _hatred._ All directed and set on _Avi_.

Magnus did not acknowledge the ghost behind him. “Is, um, everything all right? You’re probably still shaken up from the fire, right? You’re lucky Merle was there. He had to take you home since you couldn’t even stand. Still, you okay?” he asked and cleared his throat to ease the awkwardness.

It seemed impossible to speak at all with that hatred punching Avi in the gut, but he forced himself to say, “Yeah. Still shaken up. Everyone else okay?” His eyes did not break contact with Johann’s. He couldn’t tear himself away, instead stuck in that spot with tears threatening to spill.

“Everyone’s fine, bud. Taako’s a bit pissed, ‘cause his house kinda got burned, but nothing collapsed. Everything was just slightly burned. The thing that got the most damage was your violin. Must’ve got knocked around when people were running away. Oh, and your bag smelled like shit, didn’t think it was worth bringing it here since there wasn’t anything in there. But yeah, everything’s okay,” Magnus explained and handed over the instrument to Avi.

Guilt flooded Avi immediately. Taking the violin into his hands, his fingers traced along the crack that ran along the wood. Rosewood. Johann told him it was rosewood. _It’s always been my favourite violin. I had a couple, but this one? This one was truly mine. It’s been with me throughout my entire life and now throughout my entire death. No wonder my soul got so attached to it,_ Johann snickered. What Avi would do you heat him laugh like that again.

“Are you okay, man? Do you want me to stay for a little while? I’m, like, totally fine with staying. You just look a little off,” suggested Magnus, motioning for Avi to look up at him, but he couldn’t. He couldn't risk seeing Johann’s face anymore. 

“I’m fine, just hungover. You can go back home, I just… I need some time alone, okay?” 

They all stood there for a moment, Avi focused on the violin, Magnus standing in the middle of the hallway, Johann visibly seething with rage. Finally, Magnus caved. “Fine, I’ll go, but if you ever need me, you just give me a call. You know I care for you a lot, right?”

“I know, Maggie. I know.”

“Okay, then… Take care, pal.” Just like that, Magnus made his way out of the apartment complex. 

Johann still stood outside of the door, his eyes bored into Avi’s. It made him flinch, but he motioned for Johann to come in. After a solid second of no motion, he eventually walked into the apartment with slow steps. _Steps_. He didn’t float like he usually did. Johann cemented his feet to the ground, as faded as they were.

Avi slowly and silently closed the door behind him, and he stared at the ground. A small pause of silence filled the space between them, both searching for a way to speak with each other. _This is wrong,_ Avi thought to himself. _This is how we were when we first met. Why are we back here? I thought we were getting better. We were supposed to be getting better. We can’t be back at square one, we can’t._

The silence broke. “Johann… I’m so, so sor—”

“You fucking lied to me!!” Johann screamed at the top of his lungs. A wave of heat pulsed from his body, making Avi wince slightly.

“Johann, please try to understand. I’m not entirely sure of what happened last night, but I want you to know that whatever I did I promise I didn—”

Johann grabbed Avi’s arm. Not just a grip at the sleeve of his hoodie, but a real grip around his forearm. For the first time, Avi felt Johann’s hand wrapped around him, even if it was only through cloth. Even if it was hot, so, so hot. It was searing, boiling, _burning_ — it hurt Avi. Johann was burning Avi, his skin burned, and it stung and it was _painful_. His first semi-touch with Johann and it burned with hatred and betrayal. “Jo, this hurts— please, let go of me!” Avi begged and tried to force Johann’s hand off of him with his free one, but they just phased passed each other like they normally would.

“I’m sick of your fucking promises!! I’m done with your fucking lies. I can’t believe I actually trusted an _idiot_ like you that I hardly even know with my literal life!” Johann yelled as his grip grew tighter, tighter and hotter. Avi’s skin burned, really burn. His body, still weak from being hungover, collapsed until he went kneeling, Johann still keeping his right arm upright. 

The pain grew unbearable. “Fucking let go of me! Let go, let go, let go!!” Avi cried and tugged on his arm. Tears streamed down his face and a loud scream ripped from his throat that he didn’t bother biting down anymore. He needed someone, anyone to hear him, to pull him away from this flame, even if it looked odd to someone who couldn’t see Johann. Scorching pain travelled from his forearm up to the right side of his jaw, burning an imprint deep into his skin. “You’re hurting me, Johann, let me fucking go!”

The pleading only made Johann hold on tighter, digging his nails into the melted sleeve. “You could’ve killed me, Avi!! I could’ve died in there, alone, in some fucking stranger’s house because you fucking abandoned me in there! I told you just how much I hated parties and how I hold promises dear to my heart, and you broke every. single. _fucking_ promise you made! My violin broke. Look at me, Avi! I can’t even keep this fucking body together well anymore! I’m broken all because of _you_ and your recklessness!!”

There’s only so much pain a human can handle. Already feeling sick from the alcohol, Avi felt his consciousness slip away, his vision becoming blurry with tears once again, his throat sore from screaming, arm burning under his friend’s will and disregard for his safety. _I guess I deserve it,_ Avi wondered to himself. 

“Oh, but why am I complaining? Obviously I talk about myself too much, don’t I? Everything’s all about me, according to you! You think of me as some sort of selfish prick, like I haven’t been reliving my own death over and over and over again for the past few fucking centuries. You obviously don’t care about me!! You downright admitted it yourself, you lying son of a bitch.”  
  


_Did I really say that? I’m so sorry, Johann. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it,_ Avi wanted to yell, but his voice slipped away from him. Blind from the pain, it became difficult to even look up at Johann. _I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry._

“I can’t believe that I actually thought we were going somewhere with this! I really thought that you cared about me, but has that all been a lie? Why do you even bother taking me with you if you think I’m so self absorbed? Why didn’t you just fucking run away from me like the rest of them? Why the fuck would you give me _hope_ just to discard me for your dumb living friend the moment you got the chance to? Why, why, why, _why!!_

I hate you, Avi. I hate you, I hate you, _I_ ** _hate_** _y—_ ”

It all stopped. Avi’s arm went limp, and he cradled it close to his chest, curled into a ball. He yelled in pain into his chest, but he couldn’t hear himself. Everything came out muffled with a small ringing sound persistent after every noise. Avi stayed in that position, arm scorched and searing to the bone after every moment until he heard frantic, muffled knocking.

“What’s going on in there? Avi, open up!!” Merle yelled from the other side of the door. Avi could hear that clearly. He couldn’t formulate words, but he screamed louder and louder until he felt his throat go weak. “I’m guessing that’s really bad! Hope you don’t mind if I pick your lock, kid! Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing, your friend Carey taught me this!” Merle warned. Avi heard the smaller footsteps of the dwarf run back to his apartment.

Gathering the last of his strength, Avi craned his neck out of his little ball to look around for Johann. He had completely disappeared, save for the violin that laid on the floor, splintered, burnt, broken. Like Johann. _It’s okay, Johann. It’s gonna be okay. I’m so sorry. I’m gonna fix this, though. I promise. And I’m not breaking this promise this time. It’s gonna be okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…_

That’s when Avi fell into darkness once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tamw u damage ur relationship with ur friend just when u guys were just starting to get comfortable so now u gotta start all over again and maybe go to the hospital too while ur at it??? yeah so awkward haha. anyways hope u enjoyed. also thank u to cas n shi for commenting i know i don’t reply bc im not used to comments but please know that i read n gush abt them and i feel like a little kid preforming a magic show for their two parents who clap at everything Aubrey Little style. thank u. 👉👈


	5. why were you digging?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December’s a curative month. Avi wakes up, Johann’s still sore, Killian helps out, and the roommates have a bit of a moment during Candlenights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so glad u guys liked that last chapter, but the way yall reacted to it makes me wonder if u guys are even prepared for the bad end! luckily this chapter is a little more gentle bc I decided to be nice to yall u_u

There’s a moment when you first wake up where you just can’t feel anything. It encased Avi gently, almost like an apology. An apology for what was on its way. For that window of time, Avi let himself relish in it without even thinking about where he laid or anything around him. He just stayed still in that comforting numbness.

As fast as it came, it left just as quickly, and the pain that came afterwards shot through his right arm like a lightning bolt, branching out of his arm up into his neck and chest with a searing heat. Avi couldn’t bite back the scream that erupted from his throat. His other hand quickly grasped his injured arm and cradled it close to his chest, his eyes clenched close and his jaw tight.

“Aw man, sounds like someone’s awake,” an old voice grumbled in the distance. Instantly recognizable as Merle’s, Avi let an eye peek open. He no longer laid on the floor of his apartment, instead on the couch in Merle’s. While the layout stayed similar to his, there were a lot more plants, more comfortable looking furniture, and little trinkets scattered around. Avi could hear the faint music from an old record player from the kitchen.

The soothing energy the apartment radiated didn’t calm Avi down one bit. “Merle? Why— why am I here? What happened?” he frantically asked and tried to sit up. Doing so made his arm flare up again, making him hiss under his breath and lay back down. His arm had been wrapped in bandages with a variety of small runes inscribed on it with glittery pink ink.

“You’re asking _me_ what happened? I should be the one asking that!” Merle laughed and walked into the living room from his kitchen. “When I finally got in your apartment, you were out cold. You got burns all over your arm, too. I had to take you here to heal you up, you’re lucky you got an ol’ cleric to help ya out. I spent all night patching up the worst of your wounds, and that took all the slots outta me. Had to resort to using runes. Do you know how ancient those are? They’re older than me! On top of that, it took you like, what, a day to wake up? Took ya long enough.”

Merle pulled a little stool close to sit next to Avi. “May I?” he asked, motioning to the arm. Avi hesitated, but nodded and shifted his arm closer towards him. Merle’s hands were more gentle than he thought they could ever be as they took off the bandages. Occasionally one would lift and make a swift movement before going back to the bandages, but Avi felt a small surge in the air that lingered on his arm when he did. _Magic. Healing magic,_ Avi noticed. It had a gentle buzz to it. He probably wouldn’t have noticed if he didn’t learn a little bit more about magic.

In the middle of Merle removing the bandages, Avi cleared his throat, “If, uh, this magic really is effective… Why does it still hurt? Not saying— ow, not saying that to shit on you. I’m just curious.” He had been healed before with magic only a few times before, but every time the wounds would seal quickly and easily. He’s even seen injuries worse than what he imagined his to be healed in a flash, so Avi couldn’t find a reason his arm would take so long.

“Well,” Merle sighed, “normal injuries are easy to heal. Even the most devastating wounds from a car crash or whatever can be healed easily with magic. ‘Cause whatever we do in this time will never be _near_ as dangerous as our world was when we used different magic all the time a couple centuries ago. Now, I’m not accusing you of anything, but whatever fucked you up… isn’t normal. It’s some high level magic shit that shouldn’t even exist at this point in time. Again, older than me, and that’s saying a lot. So the marks it left are… Well, you’ll see.”

The last of the bandages were carefully pulled away and Avi got to see what his arm really looked like now. Any horrific, realistic burns he may have had did not appear, which was a plus. Those bubbly scars from third-degree burns Avi would see on TV always grossed him out.

Except, a very peculiar pattern had covered his arm and snaked around the right side of his chest and neck. Discoloured a darker, redder colour than the rest of the skin, a pattern of flames stuck to his skin could’ve been mistaken for a tattoo from far enough away, but it had that distinct tender texture of a healing burn scar. The pattern looked mesmerizing, each flame differing in length and crafted so intricately. Avi’s free hand instinctively moved to caress it, but the mere touch sent a fiery shock down the entire wound. “Fuckin’— sorry,” Avi spat out, trying to hold back a yelp.

“You apologize too much,” Merle commented and placed a hand on Avi’s shoulder. A cooling buzz surged through his arm and brought little relief, but Avi sighed and forced himself to let his muscles ease out of the tense state they were put in.

Avi laid there and closed his eyes, trying to block out anything else until Merle spoke up. “How… how did you get hurt, Avi? It sounded like you were arguing with someone. Was it Magnus? I thought I heard him. It, uh, still wouldn’t explain how he managed to do such a high-level, damaging amount of magic to leave such a huge scar, but if it’s him then I’m willing to give him something triple the damage,” he tried to joke.

 _Johann_. The last moments of consciousness came back to Avi. Their fight, Johann’s surge of magic, that look of uncontained hatred in his eyes that flooded every word he growled out while hurting him. 

_I_ **_hate_ ** _you._

Those words stung Avi worse than the physical wound. “No, it wasn’t Magnus. It wasn’t him, he left before it. I just… I can’t remember what happened. I was still really, really hungover when it happened so I, uh, I’m not much help there. I don’t even remember a person being there other than Magnus, but I saw him leave,” Avi lied. His eyes watered, but he wiped them away. He didn’t have time to cry in front of Merle, he needed to talk to Johann. Even if it pained him, they needed to talk. More importantly, Avi needed to apologize. 

Whether or not the lie was convincing, Merle didn’t question him. “Man, you were pretty out of it when I picked you up. You were real out of it,” he changed the subject.

“Why did you pick me up anyway? Why were you at the party?”

“Taako invited me! What, you think he wouldn’t invite an old friend? I used to tutor him and Magnus back in elementary, before you came around. Been real good pals with them ever since then. They’re just a bit busy with their school life, like you. So I was there, but I left to take a walk just before the whole fire thing happened because it was getting really stuffy. Came back just in time to see smoke coming out of the house and you bumping into every single person on the front lawn like an idiot,” Merle explained. “Now, are you hungry or something? I don’t mind keeping you here a while until you feel better. It’s not like we live miles apart.”

After a deep breath, Avi forced himself to sit upright. “I, uh, I think I might be fine? I’m just gonna go to my place, just rest up a little in my actual bed, y’know?” He stood up and ignored the dull ache pulsating through his body. 

“You gotta be kidding me. You think I’m letting you leave like this? Just let me make you something to eat, at least. Maybe I’ll get you some tea? At least a Pop Tart or something, kid. I got time to spare, and you need time to rest,” Merle gently pushed Avi back down. Well, he sorta had to push his stomach considering the size difference, but Avi didn’t fight it.

Settling back down onto the cushions, Avi closed his eyes and focused on the pain in his arm. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay. Just for a little bit, though. I still have… a bit of work to do before the break,” he grumbled.

“You just got most of your skin burned off in one night and all you can think about is your work?” Merle turned away from Avi and back towards the kitchen, his nose high in the air. “I’d recommend you stay at home for a little while. Not to sound like a tired old man, but rest is important when you’re hurt,” he kept talking as he started cooking something. Avi couldn’t tell. “What do you want to eat? I’ll make ya anything. Almost anything. I’m not a restaurant.”

Eating was the last thing on Avi’s mind, but he had to admit, he was a bit hungry. “Just something small, dude. You mentioned Pop Tarts? I wouldn’t mind a couple of those. Maybe some coffee?”

“How d’ya like your coffee?”

“Just keep it black.”

A snort followed afterwards, “Black coffee and a few Pop Tarts? A meal fit for a king. I can’t imagine your hangover meals, Your Majesty.” Avi rolled his eyes, but he knew Merle was only joking. 

After a few minutes of waiting, Merle returned with two plates on one arm and a coffee mug in the other. He set down the plate with Avi’s Pop Tarts along with his coffee. A couple of macaroons he didn’t ask for were there, too. “Taako sent a batch to me not too long ago. They’re good. Thought you might want ‘em.”

 _I don’t want to do this._ Avi would’ve much preferred to be back at his apartment. It was only a few steps away. “Thanks, Merle,” he said and pushed himself into a sitting position again. Merle ate his own breakfast, which looked a lot more filling. Avi tried to ignore how much he craved it. He scarfed down his food to satiate his hunger, even if he made a bit of a mess. 

Still, he remained hungry. Avi couldn’t bring himself to ask for more food, but Merle caught on. “No need to drool, kid. You want something like mine? Got lots of time and food to spare. You don’t need to hold back. You haven’t eaten in, what, a day?” he mentioned. Avi took a big gulp from his coffee and yawned. The heat from the coffee made his chest and arm tingle.

“Uh, yeah… I wouldn’t mind something bigger,” Avi admitted. 

Merle got up from his spot right away and ran to the kitchen again. “Hold on for a sec! And don’t touch my food either. I’m not that generous.” As he got started on Avi’s food, he offered, “Hey, since you don’t got much to do, I got Netflix. Pick something you want. Make yourself comfortable right now. I gotta rest a lil’ bit before I can heal you a little more.”

For a second, Avi felt his worries washed away, letting someone care for him like this. It had been such a simple shift, but Avi almost didn’t want to leave then. Of course he would have to, eventually. He and Johann needed to talk, and it pained him to remember that. But in that moment, Avi let himself bask in the smell of freshly cooked breakfast and potted plants.

“Just swing by anytime your arm needs a bit of patching up again. I wouldn’t recommend going to any doctors or whatever, they’d get real up and personal on how you got that on your skin,” Merle offered his advice and helped Avi to stand and walk to his apartment.

“Yeah, I got it. Thanks again, Merle,” Avi entered his apartment.

“No sweat, kid. Just don’t get stupid drunk like that again.” And just like that, Merle was off, and Avi was alone again. That seemed to be a running theme. 

The apartment felt cold. It was such a sudden shift from the light atmosphere Merle’s apartment had. Avi shivered and clutched his arm again. The violin remained on the floor, a reminder of Avi’s failure to keep Johann safe. “Johann? Are you here?” Avi spoke up and looked around his living room. No reply came, just silence. It was a slap in the face, but he took it. He knelt down and picked up the violin from the ground. The wood had a warmth to it. A warmth that felt familiar. 

That warmth seeped out of the long crack going down it’s upper and lower bouts. Avi traced the split with his finger, the feeling of splintered wood grating against his skin. “Oh, Johann…” he whispered, his voice so weak and tender. “Johann, fuck, I’m so sorry.” He brought the instrument close to his chest, its heat gentle in his scarred areas. It felt strange to hug such an old violin, a relic of its time now at its most vulnerable state because of his stupid decisions, hot with a soul resting inside.

This had been his doing, even if he did not intend it to happen. “Fuck… no, no, please… You’re still here, right? You haven’t left me? Gods, please, please tell me you’re still… you’re still here.” Why did Avi have to ruin things?

“I’m so sorry, Johann. I don’t— I don’t know if you can hear me or not in there, but I want you to know that I’m so, so sorry. I deserved everything yesterday, I really did. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I don’t know what came over me, but it’s not an excuse,” Avi apologized. His lip quivered, and tears made their way to his eyes. He bit back a sob and clutched the violin tighter, but not too tight. He couldn’t risk damaging it any more. “I’m gonna fix things, though. I’m gonna make it up to you. I just need you to trust me again. I promise. That’s a real promise I’m not going to break this time..”

A soft pulse from the heat arised, but died back down again. “I know we… Gods, I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but you have been so patient with me ever since we met. You are so strong to have been stuck in that room for centuries, yet still be patient enough to deal with my bullshit,” Avi let out a snort, “It’s insane. So I understand that your patience wore thin with me. And I’m aware I said some… awful things to you that I can’t remember. I don’t remember what I said at all, but I’m going to tell you what I think of you right now. _Sober_ this time.

“You’re smart. Gods, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as smart as you. You’re taking to all these new technologies so easily, I don’t think I could’ve done that. Not to mention your talent. I could listen to you play your violin all day. You’re so kind, even if you hide it with your sarcasm. The way you hum when I play games while you think I can’t hear, how you sway when I cook my shitty ramen, your eyes wide when I come back from class…” Avi walked to his room with the violin cradled in his arms. He had never once taken the violin to his room, and Johann never set foot in there after their first day. It felt awkward, almost invasive to let someone in there. Until then.

His arm started to burn from carrying the violin, even if it had only been a short while. It hurt, but Avi continued clutching it as he sat on his bed. “Everything you do is perfect, Johann. You’re the perfect friend. I’m so lucky to have not run away when you pulled me. I’m so lucky to have you with me. And I was so _stupid_ to let you get hurt and ruin it,” Avi hissed the last part. 

“I’m not gonna let that happen again, okay? It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna _make_ things be okay. I’m gonna do everything to prove to you that you can trust me again. You’re my best friend, Johann, and I care about you so much.”

That last part sounded wrong. _Care_ didn’t sound like a strong enough word, but what other word could he use?

“I _care_ about you, Johann,” Avi repeated with more emphasis. It still didn’t sound right. Those weren’t the right words he was looking for.

Exhaustion hit Avi like a bus, and his arm felt hot. He didn’t have time to worry about words anymore. “Whenever you feel ready to talk… Please come out, Johann. I want to know that you’re hearing me. I want you to know that I’m sorry. I deserved everything you gave me, it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry,” he trembled, and his shaky arm placed the instrument on his bedside table as he let himself sink into his bed.

“I’m sorry, Johann…”

Avi’s eyes shut close as he chased for sleep, to ignore the growing pain in his arm.

His bedroom flooded with warmth.

Johann didn’t return for a few days. The apartment went warm again, but Johann did not appear once. Through the days he was alone, Avi talked out loud like he usually would if his ghost was there…

_“Class was boring today. Like, real boring. Even ‘Creesh looked like she was gonna pass out. I told you about Lucretia, right? I think you know her as the Director… or the Girl Who Hasn’t Stopped Blasting ‘Girl In Red’ since the beginning of the semester.”_

...but no response came after.

As each day passed, Avi’s talking became more desperate and abundant. He couldn’t handle the silence. 

_“Hey Johann, it snowed for the first time in years. It snowed a lot in Brandybuck, but not much here. Guess that’s why it’s called Neverwinter, right? Um, uh, yeah. It’s just been so strange, right? Real strange, but it’s beautiful, too. I don’t like winter all that much, but snow’s fine. Have you ever told me your favourite season? I don’t think you have. That’s weird, right? You know mine, I don’t know yours. I’m sure you’ll tell me some day.”_

That silence didn’t leave him, even when he went out with his friends or in class. 

It was exile, like Johann was punishing him with his absence. 

Instead of the coffee table, Avi had moved the violin to his bedside table. He refrained from touching it, but he couldn’t stand being away from it. Every night before he fell asleep, he’d wait for a sign that Johann would come back. His voice, the specific tingling feeling Avi would get when their hands got close, that smell of a campfire Avi never noticed until it was gone. He would wait, wait, wait, and wait. Waiting for anything Johann would do to show he was still here. 

It’s a quiet night when it happened. All of them had been quiet for a while, but that night held a quiet that chilled him to the very bone. Avi had just come back from Merle’s apartment. He had stayed there for most of that day, letting the cleric apply various spells to his arm and draw little runes on his skin. Eventually, Merle got too tired to continue healing. Such intensive magic had become draining, even for such an experienced cleric. Avi left the apartment with guilt in his stomach.

With his burned arm propped on his chest, Avi closed his eyes tightly and inhaled deeply. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m really hurt. It’s fine, though. I know I deserved it, I was being really stupid… but I won’t deny that it hurts. Not— not even just my arm, even though that hurts like a bitch. It hurts… it hurts that you won’t even _talk_ to me. I don’t know what you’re doing in there… or if you’re even in there anymore. You could’ve run as far as you could with your limits, you might not even be hearing me. I could be just speaking to no one now. Is this what I have to go through before you forgive me?”

Avi sighed. His talking before sleeping became some sort of depressing ritual. It didn’t bring him any joy to do it, but he craved to have Johann again. “Johann, I’m so sorry. I really am,” he muttered again. _Gods, I just want to sleep._

“I heard you the first time, _idiot_.”

It came out of nowhere. Avi sat up immediately and ignored the shot of pain in his arm. He looked around his room, but he couldn’t see where Johann’s voice came from. “Johann? Johann— are you here?” he asked, his eyes darting around his bedroom. 

“Uh, are you blind? I’m right beside you,” Johann grumbled. A breeze of hot air came from his left. He turned towards it and could barely make out the outline of something vaguely orb-shaped, so transparent it looked like gas.

Avi squinted a little. “Johann, I… I can barely see you,” he admitted and tried to reach out for him. The near-transparent mass visibly moved away from his hand, but stopped itself. That action made Avi frown. Was Johann scared to be close to him now?

The mass shifted. “Oh, right. Give me a moment,” said Johann. An uncomfortable silence fell upon them as the blurry, incomprehensible mass of nothing shifted into the recognizable half-elf Avi had gotten to care for after nearly four months of living together. While not nearly as transparent, Johann looked less opaque than ever before, the fringes of his hair and the tips of his fingers misty.

Johann’s left eye remained glassy, the crack still travelling from his forehead and under his shirt. It was identical to the one on his violin. _He really is attached to that thing,_ Avi remembered. It had never been so glaringly obvious until then.

“Are you just gonna stare at me like that forever?” Johann questioned. It came out so hostile, Avi remembered that they still weren’t on good terms. 

What could Avi say? Words were lost to him. “Did you… You heard everything in there, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Why were you in there so long? I was starting to think I lost you,” Avi mumbled. Though they were right beside each other, the tension between them pushed them far away from each other. “What did you do in there?”

Though hesitant, Johann sat on the bed next to Avi, who pulled his sheets to cover his bare chest. He kept his eyes low and his jaw tight, containing any bitter remarks he might have had. “That day… I was so tired. Even just keeping a functioning form to yell at you was like pulling teeth, and at some point I lost my grip. I don’t— I don’t remember it all, but I just remember losing myself. It was so dark and I hardly knew who I was, but I knew I had to hold on. I was holding onto my identity so tightly. My name, my appearance, every single memory… It felt like years, but I always heard your voice. You were the only… you were the only thing keeping me from scattering. And trust me, I had a few close calls.”

“I… I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Avi apologized. 

“Do you know how much you say ‘I’m sorry’ or do you just say it to anything that moves?”

“I, uh… I don’t know, but I think it applies here really well. I hurt you, like, really badly. I put you in an uncomfortable situation, and I—”

Johann’s head shot up to face Avi, burning heat rolling off of him like waves. “You think that was just _uncomfortable_?!” he yelled. “I was dying again! You were the one who was supposed to help me bring me back to life, but instead you put me back into that hideous memory! I was trapped, I couldn’t leave the house! You put me back in that stupid fucking orchestra that you were supposed to take me out of!! And you think I was just uncomfortable? What the hell is wrong with you??”

In his rage, Johann lifted his hand towards Avi’s direction. The speed Avi pulled his injured arm away and flinched until his eyes shut tight could not be paralleled. It surprised both of them that neither of them moved, stuck in their positions like statues. 

_Am I… I can’t be_ afraid _of Johann… right?_

The silence didn’t last long. “Your arm…” Johann noticed and put his hand down. “What— what happened to it? Did you hurt it?” Johann reached for it. Avi flinched again and shook his head. Johann stopped in his tracks.

 _He doesn’t know he did it._ “You, um… when you were yelling at me, you were sort of… grabbing onto me. Well, you were grabbing onto my sleeve, but in turn you were grabbing my arm, sort of. And you, uh, you got real mad! Like, really, really mad. Then you started getting really hot, um, not in that way, you were just literally burning me. Like fire? Yeah, well, that burned through my sleeve and it kinda damaged my whole arm _really_ badly, like third-degree burns, but this isn’t the worst! Merle healed the worst of it. It’s just, you, uh, you just have really old magic that we can’t comprehend so you kinda left a magic scar that we can’t remove? But, like, it’s fine! I deserved it. I think we established that.”

His explanation didn’t calm Johann down one bit. “No, no, no—” he pushed himself away from Avi. “I didn’t, no, no! You didn’t deserve that! I thought you were talking about me _yelling_ at you. _That_ you deserved, not this. I didn’t mean to hurt you. No, you didn’t deserve this, you never did,” he stated. “No, you don’t deserve this. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I made you think you deserved this.”

Avi didn’t understand. Johann has every right to be mad at him, to _hate_ him, like he said. Why wasn’t he doing that now? That wasn’t how he was supposed to react. “Johann, please don’t feel bad for me. This is nothing, you have nothing to be sorry for. Mine will heal! And it’s only fair you got to do something ba—”

“Stop trying to make it a revenge thing! Stop trying to justify the fact that I hurt you. I’m still mad at you, I really fucking am, but I didn’t _mean_ to do that. It’s not justified,” Johann insisted and moved back closer to Avi. “Why do you want me to hate you? Why do you think I’m right in hurting you?”

“‘Cause you _said_ you hated me! You’re supposed to be hating me right now! I did something wrong, you’re supposed to hate me, but you’re not. Why aren’t you hating me?” Avi had to hold himself back from shouting, forcing himself to speak in a bitter, whispered tone.

Something must’ve struck Johann then. He became less tense, and he got closer to Avi. His left arm, which held small cracks going down like veins, tried to hold on to Avi’s scarred right one. Of course, it did not happen. “I don’t hate you,” Johann insisted. “I do not hate you. I hate your actions, I hate that you broke your promises, but I don’t hate you, Avi. I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever could.” He sounded gentle and comforting.

Still, Avi didn’t comprehend it. “But… but you’re supposed to. You said you did.”

A hand hovered over Avi’s mouth. It was warm and comforting. The same hand that burned and tortured him. “And you called me a selfish prick, but you didn’t mean it. You told me you didn’t. You were drunk, I was… I was scared. Which can be so much more cruel than being drunk. We both made our mistakes, you especially, I’m not going to deny that. However, you didn’t deserve to get hurt and I do not hate you. You are tired and you deserve rest.” Johann’s hand moved over to Avi’s cheek and tried to wipe away the tears that fell. 

It hit Avi just how tired he was. “Johann,” Avi tried to lean into his hand and ignore the tears, “I promise I will make it up to you. I just need you to trust me again. Gods, please Johann, I need you to trust me.”

“I don’t know if I can yet. I don’t want to be stuck there again. I don’t want you to break any more promises. I don’t want a lot of things that you’ve proven you’re capable of doing.”

“I fucked up. I know that, but I promise I’m learning. It’s a promise, Johann, a real promise that— that I’m not gonna break.” 

There had been no reason for Johann to trust him. He had every right to tell Avi to fuck off, to leave the room, to burn him again. Why wouldn’t Johann just do that? Wouldn’t that be easier? “Fine. Fine, Avi, _fine_. I’m angry at you, I’m scared, but I fucking trust you. It’s probably the dumbest decision I will ever make, but I trust you. Please don’t make that change. You’re all I have.”

Avi had never craved to hold Johann like he did at that moment. He tried to wrap his arms around his friend, tried to pull him close and feel their skin touching with each other, but his arms went right through Johann like they always did. He stayed there, hugging himself with the tightest grip.

“I want to hug you,” he sobbed. His body trembled with his crying, his skin aching for Johann’s touch. Even if it would be painful like the last one, Avi needed the touch of another person. He _needed_ Johann’s in particular. “When you get your body, I’m going to hug you and I will give you everything that you want and everything that you missed.”

Johann motioned for Avi to lie down, which he did without a fight. “You have no clue how much I wish to hug you every single day, even when I want to be angry at you,” he hummed. His hands trailed down Avi’s bare chest, down his arm and tracing the flame-shaped scars. “If I get my body intact and alive, I’m going to punch you in the throat. _Then_ I will hug you.”

Avi laughed through his tears, “Fair enough, man. Fair enough.” They stared at each other for a minute afterward. Johann sat on Avi’s abdomen, hands tracing the damage he had done. “Will you ever not be mad at me again, Jojo?” Avi asked. He closed his eyes and his breathing slowed, but he hung onto consciousness for that minute. “Is there anything you would need me to do so you don’t have to be angry again? I will do anything. I will pull the stars out of the sky for you, I will let your name be heard for generations, I will do anything. What do you want from me?”

Moving away from the scars, Johann grabbed the sheets from the bed and pushed them onto Avi’s body. Though it looked visibly tiring, he tried his best to tuck his friend into bed. “I… I want you to grow. And I want you to let me feel my emotions in peace,” Johann finally declared. “I also want you to sleep. Goodnight, Avi.”

The answer surprised Avi, but he couldn’t care. He just needed to sleep. “Goodnight, Johann.”

A sentence got stuck in the back of his throat. Just a few words, to express just what he felt about Johann. 

“I _care_ about you.”

It still didn’t sound right. 

“I care about you too, sir,” Johann responded, albeit a little confused.

That didn’t sound right either. Avi didn’t dwell on it any longer, instead he let himself fall asleep, basking in the warmth of his friend who didn’t hate him.

What gift do you buy a ghost roommate who’s mad at you for Candlenights? 

Even after four months of knowing Johann, Avi couldn’t come up with an answer. It had to be perfect. Perfect enough that it would please his friend, to prove that he truly was sorry. 

“Is this friend really that mad at you?” Killian questioned. Avi had asked her to come with him in hopes she would be of help. She always gave the nicest gifts during Candlenights. While he kept Johann’s description vague enough for her to not ask to meet him, Avi told her that he had gotten a new friend mad, and that he needed to make it up to them.

The subject felt embarrassing, but roaming the busy halls of the mall with Killian made it less so. She gave some solid advice, even when he tried to be very vague. “Yeah, really. I fucked up real bad this time. I really need to make it up to him,” he sighed. “I just don’t know what to get him. I don’t want to get him something that he doesn’t like, I can’t risk getting him even more mad, y’know?”

Killian shook her head. “Actually, I don’t know. You haven’t told me a single thing about what he likes,” she said.

“Oh, right. Well, uh, he’s a musician, I told you that, right? He plays the most gorgeous music ever. A violinist, specifically. He’s been wanting new music to play. Oh, and he really likes marine animals. He always likes to watch those National Geographic documentaries. Never stops. He also really likes succulents. I can’t take care of them for shit, but he’s apparently pretty good at it.”

“It sounds like you know a lot about his interests already. Why ask me for help?” 

Avi sighed and leaned into Killian’s shoulder dramatically. “‘Cause you’re good at this kind of stuff! You know how to get gifts everyone likes. What do you give Carey when you make her mad? I’m sure it’s something good,” he replied. 

His comment made Killian cackle. “For starters, I don’t make her mad in the first place! If you think your situation is comparable to me making Care Bear mad, then you’re definitely screwed.”

Those words were playful, but he tugged the sleeve that hid his injury awkwardly. “Like you wouldn’t believe. So please, do you have any ideas?” he repeated with a more desperate tone of voice. “He really deserves the best of what I can give him. I’m just worried my best isn’t enough. That’s why I really need your help. You’re better at this than I am.”

Killian must’ve caught something in his begging. She smiled and wrapped her arm around Avi’s shoulder, her hand unknowingly grazing his wound. He tried to hold back a wince. “Of course I’ll help you. Who do you think I am? Tell me more about your little… friend. Is he the sentimental type? Go wild, tell me all about him.”

Given permission to ramble, they eventually had to stop and sit at a food court booth with all the talking Avi did. What couldn’t he say about Johann? He did not let one thing slip his mind, chattering with no sense. Killian listened intently through it all, sipping some bubble tea she bought. 

It would’ve gone on for a lot longer if Killian didn’t put her hand up to stop him. “Okay, okay, I think I get the gist of him. By that I mean, thanks for the free biography on a guy I haven’t even met yet,” she laughed. Avi laughed along with her with heat in his cheeks.

“Sorry, I just thought you needed to know a little more about him. Just to help you with thinking of a gift.”

“Right, that was all for a gift! I thought you were giving me your application for the perfect boyfriend.”

Now that got Avi embarrassed. He struggled with coming up with a sentence that didn’t sound like a tired author had ripped it from a shitty BL manga. “Uh, haha! That’s funny. Yeah. Seriously though, do you think you have something in mind for the gift?” he said to change the subject.

Killian thought a little and sipped from her drink, a small smirk never leaving her face. “You said he’s sentimental, but not too fond of outrageous gifts, right? That he likes to keep things on the down low?”

He didn’t even remember saying that. How long had Avi been talking? “Uh, yeah. He’s a shy guy and doesn’t like to make a big scene,” he reiterated.

“And that he’s really touchy. Like, he’s constantly touching and holding your stuff.”

“Fuck, did I say that?” Avi tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear and avoided eye contact with Killian. “I mean, that’s not wrong. Gods, I said a shit ton of stuff.”

 _That’s an understatement,_ Avi added internally. Killian almost choked on her boba. “You sure did! That made my head spin, but I got it all down,” she sighed in content.

“Just get him, like, a plush or something. Favourite animal or whatever. You know how Build-A-Bear lets your record shit to put it inside? Put his favourite song inside. Yeah, super cheesy, I know, but it’ll show that you actually listen to him and that you care about him. Maybe even take him out for Candlenights. I heard it’s gonna snow heavily the rest of this month. Isn’t that weird? Snow in Neverwinter? Feel like they should rename this place now.”

A plush? Just thinking about giving Johann a toy gave him a strange vibe. “I… I don’t know. Do you think he’d even like that sort of stuff? Like, this is a college student just like us. Would it be enough to make him not mad at me? It needs to be perfect, Kill. I don’t need him to be mad at me into the new year.”

Whatever sentence was the trigger, Killian shifted from playful to slightly annoyed. “Avi, I don’t know who this guy is or what you did to him, but you can’t buy back a friendship. This gift is just to ease your path in rebuilding what you had with him, not to build it back up completely. You need to consistently earn his trust back by actually putting in the effort, not just buying him gifts and shit,” she argued. “If you really fucked up as bad as you say you did, he doesn’t have to forgive you. What you need to do is give him time. He has his whole life to do it.”

 _Not like he has one anymore._ That would’ve sounded scummy if he said it out loud. The serious talking Killian gave came out a little harsher than Avi expected, but he knew it’s what he needed to hear. “I think you’re right. I just… I don’t want him to be mad at me anymore. Like, I know he has the right to, but I… I worry it’s going to be a permanent thing.”

_What if Johann doesn’t make it through whatever Lucas has planned to bring him back? What if Johann died again, mad at me, not knowing just how much I would do for him? What if, what if—_

“If you give him reasons to trust you again, prove that you’re more than your mistakes, it’s not going to be permanent. Maybe he won’t fully forgive you, but hey, it’s one mistake out of a million other good things you’re gonna do for this guy, right?” Killian grinned. 

The way she talked about Johann did not cease to be embarrassing. “Yes, yes, I get it. By the way, we’re really just friends. Only known each other for four months! Just, uh, felt like I needed to point that out to you,” Avi stammered. _Damn it, that sounds cheesy as fuck, he thought. Super weird, too. Johann’s literally dead. Like, sure she doesn’t know that, but that’s kind of weird. I mean, I think? Would it be weird to date a ghost? I mean, he’s coming back to life, anyway. But it’s also Johann, he doesn’t seem to be the type of guy to like other…_

_Gods, Avi, that’s your fucking friend. What the fuck is wrong with you?_

“Whatever, whatever. I don’t care about your love life. Besides, I’m kidding. Now come on, I think there’s a Build-A-Bear in this mall. Lighten up, turn into a Hallmark protagonist for a day, go nuts. Your friend’s gonna love it,” Killian promised. Avi smiled as well. Being with Killian never failed to make Avi feel a little better. She dealt with so much of his bullshit, but she still remained sweet and funny.

She stood up from the booth and motioned Avi to follow her, which he did quickly. “Also, I need to buy a few Candlenights stuff. I know I’m a bit late, but I haven’t had the time. I got old decorations, I don’t have the bush or candles.”

“You’re telling me this now? Candlenights is literally right around the corner! Come on then, let’s hurry up!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Avi shouted. He followed Killian closely with a cheeky grin. The gift he had in mind seemed a little less cheesy now. 

“Did you have to get the fake candles?” Johann asked, his sudden appearance making Avi jump. Johann hadn’t initiated a conversation in a week. Hearing him speak first relieved Avi.

With a shrug of his shoulders, Avi turned on the last fake candle. “Apartment stuff. They won’t allow us real candles. Fire hazard or something,” Avi explained. More of a lie than an actual explanation. The landlord really didn’t care much about candles, especially during Candlenights. However, Avi couldn’t bear to tell Johann the truth. Who would want to hear that your only friend doesn’t trust you around fire because of what you had done to them? Avi kept the lie up.

Johann didn’t seem too impressed, but he let it go. “It brings light either way, I guess. That’s what the holiday is all about, right?” he sighed and stared out of the window. He looked at the dark sky with snow falling to the ground below. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the party with your friends like you mentioned a while ago? I already said I wouldn’t go and ruin your fun,” he said, scoffing at the last sentence.

His words made Avi feel guilty, but he kept himself composed. “No, I’m fine. Carey gets it. I think I’ve had enough parties to last me the rest of the month.” He let his eyes wander towards Johann. The lights from the small Candlenights bush and from the candles made him appear luminescent, gorgeous reds, yellows and blues shining off his body.

 _Now. Now’s the time,_ Avi realized. “I’ll, uh, be right back,” he said before running to his room. Johann didn’t respond, he just stared out at the city below.

Every step he took to his room brought doubt. When he kneeled down to take the gift bag from under his bed, Avi contemplated whether this was the right decision. _What if he doesn’t like it? It is kind of stupid. He’s a grown man and I’m giving him this? Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?_

The thoughts spiralled out of Avi’s control quickly; he brought the bag close to him and took deep breaths. _It’s okay, I still have the receipt. I can always buy him another gift. I’d do anything to show that I’m sorry. Even if he yells at me a million times._ He stayed there for a while to gather his bearings so he didn’t feel as anxious.

_This gift is just to ease your path in rebuilding what you had with him, not to build it back up completely._

Yeah, thanks Killian.

Walking back to the living room felt much longer and much more excruciating than it needed to be. When Avi came back, the bag behind his back, he once again let himself get lost in how… _gorgeous_ Johann looked. He didn’t have any other words to describe him but gorgeous.

How lucky Avi was to have a friend like Johann.

“Jojo? I think you know what time is,” Avi exclaimed. It came out higher than he expected with how terrified he felt. His hands gripped the bag behind him tight enough to make his knuckles go white. 

Not turning around to face him, Johann still stared out the window. “Is the pan pizza ready? Well, it’s not really pan pizza since it’s frozen, but hey, we can’t all cook. Either way, you already know I can’t eat it. Unless you want me to just sit and watch you eat? I mean, if that’s your Candlenights tradition, I’ll happily oblige.”

A pounding noise filled Avi’s head. He felt faint. Every part of him wanted to run back to his room and pretend like he never bought Johann some dumb toy for Candlenights, but he didn’t. “It’s, um, not that. It’s kind of, like, the point of Candlenights. The pary that people actually care about? Um, the Capitalist Candlenights.” Gods, why am I dancing around it? “I got a gift for you, Johann,” Avi finally confessed.

At first, Avi thought Johann didn’t hear him or even just ignored him, but the flick of his ears indicated otherwise. “Avi… You know I can’t give you anything in return, right? I don’t have a gift for you, I don’t— Avi, I can’t give you anything,” he choked out. His back still faced Avi and he continued staring outside.

“Oh, I know that! But I just… I wanted to give you something. It’s… it’s not much? I didn’t really know what to give you, so it’s fine if you don’t like it. It’s kind of— I don’t know, kind of stupid? I’m not sure if you’re gonna like it, it’s not a cupcake like I got for your birthday, so I’m really not sure if you’re gonna like it but I can always return it it’s fine it’s really okay to not li—”

“Just give me the gift!!” Johann demanded. In almost second tops, he whizzed his way so close to Avi, his hands gripping the collar of his shirt desperately, their faces so close. “I don’t think you understand that this is my second gift in _centuries_. You think I’m gonna turn it down?” He laughed and looked at the bag. It was the happiest Johann had looked throughout the whole month. “Come on, open it up!”

_Can you stay happy like this? Forever?_

What a weird thought. Avi didn’t pay it any mind. He walked towards the little Candlenights Bush they had and set the bag down on the coffee table next to it. “Do you think you can open it yourself?” he inquired, rolling his shoulder. The scars flared up slightly, but he tried to ignore it. 

Almost like an excited child, Johann nodded excitedly and dug into the bag. Swatting away the tissue paper, Johann rushes to get the gift as quick as possible. Even though the way his eyes sparkled enraptured Avi, his crushing doubts got the better of him and he looked out the window instead. “Again, if you don’t like it, I can return it. I got the receipt and everything, I don’t want you to lie and keep something you don’t really like,” he said under his breath. 

Silence fell upon the room, the quiet whistles from the wind outside being the only source of noise. Avi kept his eyes out on the street and counted the cars as they drove by. One. Two. Four, two came by at once. Johann bursted with warmth and let out a quiet giggle.

“Really, Avi? You thought I was going to hate _this_?”

Avi saw it in the reflection in the mirror. While Johann did not have a reflection, a cute, fuzzy jellyfish plush hovered in midair, it’s tentacles flowing and iridescent. “Uh, yeah? Kind of… I wasn’t sure if you were into those kinds of toys… I got you a jellyfish ‘cause I saw you always paid the most attention to them in those documentaries. My second option was the shrimp, but they, um, they ran out of the shrimp ones.” _Who the fuck gets their kid a shrimp toy?_

His body went tense when Johann’s hand hovered just above his injured arm. When he turned to Johann, his free arm clutched the little jellyfish close to his chest, the other caressing the tender skin even without contact. Avi’s scarred arm and Johann’s cracked one mixed together in that moment, slipping between each other. Two injuries both caused by one another in their own way.

_I hurt him. He hurt me. But we’re gonna heal from this. Even if it’s so, so slow._

“Do you… do you like it?” He was so tentative with his question. Avi’s hand tried to hold onto Johann’s, but they couldn’t. They never did. Not when he wanted them to. Not when it wasn’t for pain. 

“Of course I do, stupid,” Johann rolled his eyes. He clutched the jellyfish tighter. “It’s… cute. I like the fabric. It’s… it’s a little hard to feel things when you don’t have a body. You have to really focus on it, but this guy? I… I can feel him. He’s really fuzzy. I like the sensation. And it’s from you. Why wouldn’t I like something you gave me?”

 _Why is he being nice?_ Avi’s thoughts were conflicting. Of course he wanted Johann to forgive him quickly, but this felt almost wrong. _What do I even want?_

“I’m… I’m sorry, Johann.”

The smile from his face dropped slightly. “Are you still apologizing for that?” Johann glared. “Is this what this is? Just to get me to accept your apology?”

Immediately, Avi shook his head. “No, no! This is a genuine Candlenights gift. I just— I just… I can’t look at you and not be reminded of that. Every time I reach to tell you I want to hold you again, I see your arm, your face, your eye. And you’re still with me. You still find joy with me, even with what I’ve done?”

“You don’t think I think the same way whenever I see your arm?” Johann hugged his new jellyfish. “It hurts to hear you cry in your sleep. Did you know you do that?” _No, I didn’t._ “It hurts to listen to. It hurts to see you slink away to your neighbour to temporarily heal you over and over again. It hurts to see you so pained and yet still be unable to fully forgive you. 

“But Avi, it’s… it’s Candlenights tonight. I want to put it aside and just… be with you. I don’t know what your traditions are for Candlenights, but I think I used to use it to spend time with who I cherish.” Johann floated a little higher and shoved the blue-and-purple jellyfish into Avi’s face. “That so happens to be you and our new little friend. Who I really love and adore. Thank you for getting it for me, Avi, I love it.”

The answer satisfied Avi. “No problem, Johann. Anything for you,” he vowed. “Also, did I tell you if you squish the head of the little bastard, it plays Minecraft music?”

“You’re fucking kidding me. No way!”

“Try it out yourself if you don’t believe me! I paid extra money for that. I made sure it was Sweden. That’s your favourite one, right?”

A small squeeze was heard, then the sound of piano notes playing the gentle Sweden song from Minecraft.

Johann pulled himself closer to Avi by the collar of his shirt and remained there for a moment. They were so close to touching. If only there could. Avi tried to wrap his arms around Johann, but his arms went through him again. Once again, he had no choice but to hug himself.

“Almost there, Johann. I’m gonna hug you. We’re so close to hugging. We’re so close,” Avi whimpered. He held back any tears. “Happy Candlenights, Johann.”

The soft fabric of the jellyfish squished between the two of them as Johann hesitantly drew nearer, the only evidence that they were truly, physically close to each other. They were so close. So close.

“Happy Candlenights, Avi.” 

_Winter chilled the apartment complex late at night._

_Warming the apartment had always been a conscious decision. It took a little extra energy out of Johann to do it, slowly draining him, but he did it for Avi. Even the days he tried so hard to ignore him after the fight, he still pushed through his exhaustion to make everything warm again._

_It got increasingly hard to keep warm as the winter snow came on stronger and technically, Johann didn’t need to do it at night. Avi didn’t complain much about it when he slept, all curled up in his blankets. He didn’t have to._

_Hell, Johann shouldn’t have been in his room. After he had reappeared, the violin returned to the coffee table. Johann didn’t enter Avi’s room again. It felt strange to be in there, but the night before New Year’s Eve froze where even he could feel it chilling his soul. It pulled him through the door he did not need to open, it pulled him to the messy bed that hardly got cleaned, it pulled him to Avi._

What am I doing? _Johann realized. His limbs had a mind of their own as he hovered so close above Avi, their faces just inches away from each other. Faint tear stains streamed across his cheeks, his injured arm thrown over the side of the bed to keep anything from touching it. He looked peaceful in his sleep, despite the old tears._

Why are you allowed to be in peace? Why are you allowed to sleep? Why can’t I do those things? Why can’t I be in peace? _Those questions felt selfish, but they plagued Johann._ I’m so tired, Avi. You’re tired, too. Even though you sleep. It’s not a physical thing though, is it? _Johann placed a hand as close to ‘on top’ of Avi’s chest as he could get._ You’re tired of something. You don’t tell me why. I know you were lying to your living friend that day. This isn’t a new feeling. 

_Feeling the warmth of Johann’s hand in his sleep, Avi’s chest pushed upwards towards that feeling, like his skin craved it. Johann pushed his hand further until it got lost in Avi’s chest. The sensation felt strange, looked strange to anyone who could’ve seen them, but he could feel the beat of Avi’s heart. It comforted Johann, but made him long for that same action to be returned to him._ I want a heartbeat to share with you, Avi. 

_Whether the sensation of putting his hand through his chest felt strange or not, it didn’t matter to Johann when he saw how content Avi looked afterwards. His non-wounded hand moved towards where Johann’s rested, like he needed that extra heat._

_“Don’t you know you’re already warm?” Johann whispered at the lowest tone he could muster. “I might be warm in my own way, but I only gained this through death. You’re warm with life, Avi. You don’t need my warmth and I don’t deserve yours.”_

Gods, we’re so close. _Johann only got closer. His hand reached up to brush away Avi’s long hair, which required more effort than picking up a whole pillow, but he had to. Johann had to see his face. Even if it stirred conflicting emotions of betrayal, pain, fondness— yearning._

Was Avi always this pretty?

_Is it weird to think of your friend like that?_

_They were so close. Johann bit his lip._

But he hurt me. He really hurt me.

_Johann wanted to be closer._

I **hate** you.

_No, he couldn’t._

_Johann leaned forward and…_

_His head rested as close to Avi’s forehead as they could._ I don’t hate you, _Johann repeated, but it was more of a reminder to himself. He repeated it over and over._ I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you.

 _You’re my_ friend _, Avi._

_The new year would be one hell of a trip._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there were multiple parts in this story I just wanted to make them kiss but... no... they must wait...  
> anyways the plush idea was for my man roderich, he rlly wanted a scene where avi gave johann a lil jellyfish so I simply Had To Give In.  
> also do u know how weird it is to write something Candlenights related in March? what da fuck. that’s my fault tho who the fuck let me make a fic that went by month?


	6. what did you bury?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> January is a playful month. The start of the new year kicks off, Avi gets a call, Johann and Avi get to play, and memories are lived out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH I’m gonna be changing the chapter names to line up better so uh. Ignore That. please. if u mention it i WILL cry and it’s ur fault /j  
> also before a certain someone asks NO I’m not putting the virus is my fic. I kind of need Avi to stay alive for this yknow we can’t have TWO dead guys. one is more than enough /j   
> also! before this gets too long— there’s like an extended part of the chapter near the end that uses mostly italics. more than the last chapter. if that’s a bit of a strain to the eyes then I apologize greatly! im just a slut for some italics yknow

Avi still fought. Even on New Year’s Day. Does he ever stop?

What’s so difficult about waking up in the morning? It’s not supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to feel like you’re seconds away from giving up every time. With the added burns, it became more and more difficult. It’s gone on for so long, he thought it was normal, that everyone felt like this. It didn’t make it any less tiring or difficult. 

“Are you comfortable there, Avi?”

Johann made things a little easier, though.

Who was he kidding? Johann made things a  _ lot  _ easier. Avi didn’t know when it started, but the feeling of warmth would spread across his chest when he thought of his friend waiting for him to wake up. Maybe it was the feeling of being needed, maybe it was just something about Johann himself,  _ something _ made him look forward to staying awake. Even if there was still a fight, Johann’s voice would bring him to consciousness in a graceful, calming way—

“Fuck!” Avi yelped as his head hit the floor. The rest of his body fell from the couch he laid on, limp like a ragdoll. “Fuckin’— shit!” He clutched his head and laid on the ground, breathing through clenched teeth to keep himself from yelling.

Oh, well. That can of worms would have to open another day.

“Off to a great start, aren’t we?” Johann’s soft laughter that he tried so hard to stifle rang in Avi’s ears. “You poor thing. Here, need some help?” he offered, reaching a hand out.

Avi, too tired to think straight, tried to grab onto Johann’s hand. That didn’t work out too well, as he placed most of his weight onto his arm, which sent him flopping back down to the floor. “Ow! Johann— gods, that was mean!” Avi whined. He tried to cover how his face flushed from embarrassment.

A bastard look spread on Johann’s face. Grinning so widely his little half-elf fangs poked through his lips, he snickered and floated closer to Avi. “Hey, you’re the one who…  _ fell  _ for it,” he cracked.

_ Was he always this bad at jokes?  _ It still made Avi laugh. “You’re… you’re so stupid and  _ mean _ ,” he breathed out. He let himself lie on the floor to gather himself. Exhaustion still clung to him and tried to drag him back down. His arm felt like it was being stabbed with thousands of little needles. 

Upon noticing that Avi wasn’t getting up, Johann kneeled closer beside him. “Wait, hey, I was kidding. Are you okay? I, uh, can’t really help you up, but I don’t want you to stay on the floor again. That’s kind of a shitty way to start the new year.”

_ New Year? _ Avi grabbed onto the couch he had fallen off of to prop himself up. “Wait, it’s the new year already? Was I awake for the countdown?” he questioned and forced himself to stand up. His legs went numb, and he lost his footing, which sent him crashing onto the couch. Better than the floor, at least. 

Johann didn’t look too thrilled, but nodded. “Oh yeah, you sure were. Passed out fourteen seconds afterwards. I’m surprised you even made it to eleven. You were knocked out cold,” he explained. “I didn’t think you would ever wake back up. I made all sorts of noise, but I hardly heard you breathing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep so heavily until today.”

It felt like he was dead. 

Avi didn’t know why that comforted him.

His head ached from hitting the floor, but there was also a familiar burning in his head aside from it. His eyes trailed over to the coffee table, which had a toppled over drinking glass and a near-empty champagne glass he could’ve sworn was full just a day ago. “Did I get drunk?” Avi asked. He couldn’t even remember that part.

A look of discomfort became present on Johann, his eyes focused on Avi’s arm. “Yes, you did. Not as much… not as much as last time, though,” he reassured. 

Right. Last time. “I’m, uh,” Avi looked away, “sorry about that. I don’t… I don’t know why I did that.” The feeling of guilt piled on top of the usual morning dread, not to mention the slight hangover. 

“No, no, it’s fine. You were having a fun time.  _ We _ were having fun. It was, um, it was actually kind of funny seeing you like that. You know, when you’re not insulting me?” Johann added the last part sarcastically. Avi tried not to flinch. “I haven’t been drunk in a while. Didn’t exactly have alcohol in that wretched room. But seriously, is everything okay? You look a little unsteady.”

_ Sure feel like it too, _ Avi thought. “I just need some water. That’s all,” he grumbled, still clutching his head. He rested his head on the arm of the couch. 

Opening his eyes for a moment, Avi noticed something. Blankets were strewn across the couch that he specifically remembered to be in his bedroom, most noticeably his weighted blanket. “Johann, did you bring these out here when I passed out?” he asked playfully, knowing it’d get a rise out of him.

Just as he thought, Johann crossed his arms and looked away from Avi. The air in the room grew stuffy and hot, but nothing Avi couldn’t handle. “Uh, I don’t know. I think you took them out yourself. Maybe you just forgot it?” he said and tried to come up with excuses. “I’m just saying, you could’ve done it yourself. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You totally did! That’s not a bad thing, bro. You care about me! That’s nice. I’m not accusing you of, like, tax evasion or whatever,” Avi laughed and sat up. “Jojo, it’s just blankets. It’s fine.” 

Avi rested his whole body on the couch with a snicker. As he did, the faint sound of Minecraft  _ Sweden _ played from underneath him. Johann noticed it immediately, “That’s where it was coming from! I kept hearing it play during the night. I thought I lost them. You slept on my jelly! Get off of them, idiot!” 

Trying to get the little jellyfish back, Johann stuck his hands inside of Avi’s abdomen and gained a gasp from him. “Johann— you could’ve asked me to move!” he yelled and got up immediately. No matter how many times it happened, having Johann’s hand go straight through his body would never be something he could get used to. 

The moment Avi pulled the toy jellyfish out of the crevice of the couch, Johann yanked it out of his hands and held it close to his chest. “Look at what you’ve done to my jelly. You’ve squished them! You don’t deserve the blankets anymore. Do you know how heavy those are to carry? All that for a squished Void.”

“You named your jellyfish the Void?”

“What, do you have a better name?”

“I mean, no? I don’t know, Fishy? Fisher?”

Johann stuck his tongue out. “Jellyfish aren’t even fish! Why would I name Void after fish if they’re not even a fish? I thought you would know better,” he fought. 

The explanation only confused Avi more. “Wait, jellyfish aren’t fish?? Why are they called fish then? Who fucking named the jellyfish?” he asked. “Fish is in the name! That’s why you should call them by a fish name! It’s a fish, right? Yeah, they’re a fish!”

Steam emitted from Johann, who looked like he was about to give the biggest lecture of the century. “No! Jellyfish are  _ not _ fish. They’re their own thing! The thing that makes a fish is their spine and guess what jellyfish don’t have? That’s right! A spine! Or a brain. Along with any other things. So no, I’m not giving the Void a fish name because he’s not a fish.”

The information didn’t process through Avi’s tired, hungover brain well. “But… hold on, hold on,” he stood up and reached for the Void, but Johann quickly hit it behind his back. That didn’t stop Avi, who stuck his hand through Johann’s entire body until he reached the Void and pulled him back through his body again.

“Holy— Avi, what the fuck!!”

“Karma, man!” Avi grinned and looked at the jelly. “This little bro is a fish. I can feel it in my brain. We’re calling them Fisher,” he proclaimed, raising Fisher into the air  _ The Lion King  _ style. 

That didn’t please Johann, who snatched it right back out of his hands again. “Funny how you say you can feel it in your brain, when I can’t recall you having one. Look!” Johann stuck his hand through Avi’s head and retracted it almost immediately. “Empty as hell! So we’re keeping them the Void. Also, you gave them to me! Therefore, I have full custody.”

Avi pouted and rubbed the side of his head that had grown hot from Johann shoving his hand inside of it. “No fair. Why don’t we come up with a compromise? Fish Void. Something like that! ‘The Void’ would be a little difficult to say all the time. It’s a little too blunt and I can’t stop thinking about, like, the actual void as a place, y’know?”

Johann looked intrigued. “Hm… Void… fish? Voidfish. Not because they’re a _fish_ , though, but because they’re a  _ jelly _ fish . Jellyfish are not a fish,” he emphasized. “Voidfish it is, then? I like the name. Just a little Voidfish.”

“Yeah, it’s cute. Why’d you name them the Void in the first place? Weirdo.”

“Because the Void is cute, and I picture the song Sweden to be playing in the void at all times. Is that weird? I don’t know. Something about it, but I like Voidfish. It’s cute, it’s simple, and it’s from the both of us. I think I like that.”

_ I think I like  _ you _. _

...

What?

That’s a strange thought. Avi didn’t pay it any mind. 

The headache persisted. Avi walked towards his kitchen to grab himself some water. “I think that’s cute, too. Voidfish has a nice ring to it,” he poured a cup and instinctively downed it as if it were a shot, “I like the Voidfish.” Some brain fog had finally dissipated from waking up, along with the usual dread. Finally, Avi felt a little more calm in the morning.

Johann followed Avi to the kitchen with the Voidfish in his hands. “Good. I like them a lot, too. Again, thanks for getting them for me,” he said and laid down in the middle of the air. 

Every time Johann mentioned how much he loved the gift, Avi would look to the side in a quiet, flustered way. “Man, it’s not a problem. I’m just glad you like it,” he mumbled and walked to the fridge. He grabbed a pack of frozen waffles from the freezer and ate one raw. “I can always buy you more if you really like ‘em.”

A visible cringe covered Johann’s face. “Yeah… I’d like that. Aren’t you supposed to pop that in the toast thing? You could at least use the magic I taught you! Good grief, that can’t taste good,” he gagged. 

“What? It’s just waffles!” Avi stuffed more in his mouth. “You ‘fink I’m gonna wathste emnergy on waffles?” he asked with a full mouth, making Johann fake vomit.

“You’re gross. Don’t talk with your mouth full and close your mouth when you chew. Didn’t either of your mothers teach you manners?” Johann scolded.

Getting a rise out of Johann had become one of Avi’s favourite pastimes. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “God, you sound like a boomer,” he pointed out and swallowed the last of the bits of waffle in his mouth. 

“A  _ what? _ ”

“Oh, I’m  _ not _ telling you that one. You’ll figure it out when you get back to life.”

“No!! You tell me right now! That’s not fair. This is bullying. You are withholding valuable information from me.”

Avi waved Johann off. “You’ll figure it out, eventually! Right now I just wanna eat my cold waffles in peace,” he said and bit into another one. Johann only cringed more, but he said nothing else.

They stood there in the kitchen together, one eating cold waffles and the other petting a fuzzy, plush jellyfish in midair. It was silent, but comfortable. They didn’t need to be talking to each other constantly to feel comfortable. At least, Avi didn’t. He wasn’t too sure if Johann felt the same level of happiness that he got when they were together, quiet but aware of each other’s presence.

However, silence always got Avi thinking. It’s dangerous when Avi thinks.

_ I haven’t been out in a while. It’d be nice to go out for a walk soon, even if it’s getting pretty cold. I don’t know, though. Magnus is on a road trip, Killian’s out going to meet Carey’s parents with her, and I don’t have a lot of other friends. Wow, that sounded  _ way _ more depressing than I thought it would! Don’t think that’s really… good. Huge yikes. _

A small glance in Johann’s direction. Avi saw him lying in the air almost like he was in an invisible hammock, his cracked and faded eye even more noticeable in the winter morning light. He got injured the last time they went out together.

_ It wouldn’t hurt to go out with him again, would it? Just for a walk. I’d keep him safe this time. I wouldn’t leave his side. Maybe it’ll help him trust me more again. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. _

Breaking their comfortable silence felt wrong, but Avi itches for an answer. “Jojo,” he cleared his throat, “I wanna ask you something.”

“Well, ask it,” Johann replied.

_ This is exactly how I asked the first time. _

No, he couldn’t think like that.  _ It’s not gonna be like last time,  _ Avi reassured himself. 

“I was just… I was just wondering, just a little thought… Uh, it’s a little cold outside, I know, but I’ve been feeling, like, a little restless? You know how Magnus and everyone else is doing their own thing since it’s still the holidays, yeah?”

Johann looked confused, but he nodded. “Yes, I recall you whining about it. What about it?”

That familiar rise of panic filled Avi’s chest.  _ Stop it. Stop it. I’m not scared of him. I’m  _ not  _ scared of him.  _ “I was just… I was just wondering if, like, at some point in time you’d… you’d want to take a walk with me?” he finally pitched. “I mean like, there’s a park nearby, it’s a small one, we wouldn’t walk a lo—”

_ “No.” _

The answer came blunt, so blunt that Avi couldn’t even process it for a minute. “What?” He didn’t mean to sound so angry, but it slipped from his mouth before he could even think.

Any comforting aura they had between them disappeared in almost an instant. “ _ No _ . I’m not going out with you  _ anywhere. _ I’m not leaving this apartment when I’m still in the horrible state I’m now put in because of the last time I thought I could trust you with my life,” Johann sneered, his hands clutched the plush jellyfish so tightly it would surely have left a mark. 

Avi didn’t want to argue, he told himself that he would keep shut and let Johann do what he wanted. He knew that Johann didn’t have to forgive him, like Killian had said, but something pushed Avi. Something pushed him to prove that he could be trusted, that if only Johann listened to him…

“Jojo, come on, it’s just one walk. It’s not… it’s not gonna be anything. It’ll only be a few minutes, I’ll even buy a whole violin case just for this one walk! You’re not gonna leave my side, we’ll leave whenever you’re uncomfortable, I’ll do all the things I failed to do last time and I’m gonna do it right. I just— gods, Johann, I don’t want to feel lonely!” Avi tried to reason. 

“Is my presence here not enough?” Johann asked. Avi noticed that his voice trembled. “Avi, I can’t. I  _ can’t  _ do it. I’m… I didn’t want to use this word, but I’m terrified. I don’t know how long my violin will last anymore. It’s old. It’s broken.”

Hands gripped the counter behind him. Avi couldn’t bear to look at Johann anymore, his eyes fixated on the floor below him.  _ I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t want this. We were just starting to get close. We were just getting to know each other. I was just trying to have fun. I want things to go back to normal. Can’t we just go back to playing Minecraft? Can’t we just take one walk? _

“Gods, Avi, why can’t we just be happy here? In this apartment? We were having such good fun a minute ago. Right here, where I know you or anybody else can’t hurt me. Why do you keep trying to make everything into an apology? You told me I can make my own path. Maybe mine doesn’t include an apology from a man I  _ hardly _ even know. Why do you want me to go out with you?”

“‘Cause I’m still alive, Johann. I’m alive and I need to be outside, doing living things. College is a stress and it honestly wouldn’t hurt to do one little thing outside. I need to live in the moments around me and I want to be with someone else while I do it. I usually have the others to do it, but even then… you’ve been my first choice. I just never knew how to ask you, especially since you’re not exactly… you know, and the one time I did, I fucked up. I’m asking you now ‘cause I don’t want there to be tension between us anymore. And maybe I  _ want _ to get to know you more. Is that really so hard to understand?” 

_ You sound stupid. It’s just a walk, _ he tried telling himself, but he knew he wasn’t just fighting for a walk at that point. He was fighting for something more personal, but he denied it even from himself.

Even with his explanation, Johann looked fearful. “I don’t… I don’t know. Gods, I don’t know. Am I overreacting? Am I blowing this out of proportion?” His grip on the Voidfish remained tight, but it phased through his hands. Avi caught it before it hit the ground.

_ I don’t want to say you are. I don’t think you are. I don’t know.  _ “No, you’re not. I’m just… I told you, I don’t want this anger to continue, but I need to allow you your space. Again, you don’t have to come. I should’ve respected that the first time,” Avi sighed and ran a thumb along the Voidfish’s fuzzy bell. 

Looking up, he locked eyes on Johann, who’s cracked hand hovered just in front of him. “If you’re still willing to get that case for me, then I will come along, but we leave the moment I say so. Got that?” he muttered with a stern look. 

The way he got that answer was not brave. It was invasive and pushy, the wrong way to handle someone you’ve hurt, nothing that Avi should’ve been proud of. Especially for something seemingly so trivial. He felt that guilt eat up at him, gnawing at the pit of his stomach.  _ You’re forcing him to come. He’s only coming to shut you up, maybe he’s scared of you, you’re making him uncomfortable.  _

So why did he smile? “Thank you, Johann. I’ll do anything you say,” Avi promised, shaky laughter coming from him. Why did his chest become hot and light? It couldn’t have just been from Johann’s natural heat. 

The Voidfish got snatched out of Avi’s hands at a speed he couldn’t comprehend. Johann hugged the plush close to his body, and for a moment, gave the tiniest smile Avi had ever seen, yet it was so, so pleasing. However, it didn’t last long. Replaced with a scowl, Johann pushed back into the living room without a sound. The headache thrummed in his head and Avi was alone. Again.

_ What a way to start the new year. _

Lucas kept contact with Avi. It had been a while since their last call. 

Their calls were always interesting. While he would occasionally call to see how the two were doing, Lucas never seemed too interested in the conversation unless Avi were to bring up something new about Johann. Only then the calls would get long and tiring, stretching until the early hours of morning until one of them finally hung up.

It wasn’t unbearable in any sense of the word, Avi didn’t mind talking to the dude, but the endless questions that neither he nor Johann knew the answer to had gotten tiring. 

However, Avi didn’t have the time or the patience during the holidays to pick up any of Lucas’s calls. With the party, the tension with Johann, his injury, Avi would let his phone ring for however long Lucas persisted just to get out of talking to him.  _ I’ve got enough on my plate, _ he told himself, to ease any guilt. 

He couldn’t hide forever. Lucas had his reasons for keeping in touch with them, such as monitoring Johann and making sure he was still intact. The new injuries on the both of them would be difficult to explain. Avi dreaded having to admit that he screwed up so badly.

But the call he got in the middle of the night wasn’t what he expected. Avi couldn’t sleep that night, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. There had been no particular reason he couldn’t. It was just one of those nights where your heart beat a little too fast; the moon looked brighter than usual, any semblance of exhaustion leaving you before you could use it to sleep.

So when his phone rang, Avi almost leaped out of his bed. While he knew Johann didn’t sleep, he couldn’t help but feel bad if he ever made noise while his friend resided in the violin. He only ever stayed there if he felt really drained.  _ Fucking hell, what is it now? _ he thought, checking who called him. His eyes squinted from the faint light of his phone, but he brought it down to the dimmest setting.

_ Lucas? What the fuck is he calling for at this hour?  _ 3:33 A.M. Avi looked at his door, which remained closed as it always had been. Usually he’d bring Johann for these calls, but he wondered if he would be mad at him for interrupting the one time he got to rest. Johann had been disappearing into his instrument a lot more, but Avi wasn’t sure what he did in there. Whatever he did, he looked like he needed it. Johann looked so tired.

Johann could miss out one call, right?

Picking up the call, Avi brought the phone to his ear and hissed, “Why the  _ fuck _ are you calling me at this time? Do you know how late it is?” He tried to keep his voice down, to keep Johann from arising and wonder what was happening.

“Oh, is it? Forgot about time zones, to be honest. Why’re you up so late? Where’s Johann?” Lucas asked, his voice loud and obnoxious. 

Avi forgot how difficult it was to talk to Lucas sometimes. “Keep your voice down, will you? I’m not the only one in this damn building. Johann needs rest, he’s… we’ve had a rough couple of weeks, not gonna lie.”

“Yeah, no shit. You didn’t answer any of my calls during Candlenights. Now, care to explain what these ‘rough couple of weeks’ consisted of? ‘Cause I’m gonna need your friend to be intact by the time I get there,” Lucas huffed, but his voice got significantly quieter. At least he could listen.

_ I’m really gonna have to tell him, huh?  _ It felt silly to explain it and he just knew that Lucas would rag on him. “Well, um, Taako left to visit his sister abroad, right? And you work alongside her?”

Even without seeing him, Avi just knew that Lucas had cringed. “Yes, I know that. He has  _ not _ shut up about his whole party fiasco with the fire. Like, come on, he straight up admitted that nothing really got damaged and that everyone in there was fine. He’s just stirring up shit and making it sound like someone fucking died,” he ranted. 

The harsh tone of his voice made Avi reluctant to keep talking, but he knew he had to talk about it to someone, anyone other than Johann. “Well, um, I was actually there. I— I didn’t get hurt, but… Gods, there’s no other way to say this without sounding stupid, but I brought… I brought Johann there. He’s, um, he’s the one who started the fire,” Avi explained in a whisper. Talking about it made his arm ache with a dull pain.

A controlled sigh blew into his phone. “Okay, let me break this down for you. Avi, you found yourself a relic of a time that we practically only know about from textbooks. One that’s been around to see the passage of time from when he was born, all the way up to the present day. He’s fragile and constantly losing his memories from what you’ve told me in other calls. And you’re telling me… You’re telling me you brought him to a Taako party, notoriously known for being loud and potentially dangerous, and you let him fucking  _ burn his house? _ ”

“Okay, yeah, it was really fucking dumb, but Johann didn’t  _ mean _ it. At least, I don’t… I don’t think he did. I don’t know, I was drunk, and he got mad and things spiralled out of control for him—”

“You brought a  _ ghost _ to some dude’s party and got  _ drunk??  _ What is wrong with you? What the hell were you thinking? Gods, it’s like you didn’t even grow from high school.”

Lucas’s comment hit a little harder than Avi expected it to. It surely meant no harm, Lucas had always been a little too blunt sometimes, but the jab made his chest grow tight. He couldn’t say anything, not even a pathetic excuse for a quip. 

_ ‘You didn’t even grow from high school.’ _ Why did that bother him so much? 

_ I thought I was getting better. _

“Uh, sorry about… that… You still there, Avi?” Lucas’s nervous question came out a lot more caring than he expected. Avi almost couldn’t hear him, but he snapped himself out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here, dude. It’s— it’s fine. I… I really fucked up there, though. I said some terrible things to him while drunk and he’s still really, uh, bitter about it. Which I don’t blame him for. He actually…” Avi trailed off, remembering Johann’s violin. “The violin… somehow during fire, it… I don’t know, it got damaged. There’s, like, a huge crack down it from top to bottom. It, uh, the crack actually shows up on Johann’s body, too.”

Avi wondered if Lucas hung up due to the silence that came afterwards, but the sounds of footsteps, keys jingling, doors opening, and the sound of wind disproved that. 

“Where are you going, Luke?”

“Sorry, I can get really worked up when it comes to… troubling situations. I’m definitely getting worked up right now. I, uh, need to get some fresh air before I speak more, you know? Just to gather my thoughts. Those really need to be gathered from what you’re telling me right now,” Lucas grumbled. That harsh air of disappointment in Lucas’ hung over Avi like an insult, but he didn’t say anything.

After a few solid minutes of awkward breathing, pacing around in what Avi could only guess was the empty streets of Goldcliff Lucas studied in, shuffling could be heard again. “So, let me get this straight. You’ve only known this guy for like, what, five months? And you’ve basically fucked up the one thing that can bring him back to life. You weren’t kidding when you said you fucked up,” Lucas scolded, his footsteps audible and going quick. 

_ Thanks, I didn't know that,  _ Avi thought bitterly. He sighed, “I know, I know. He wasn’t the only one who got hurt, though. I left him at Taako’s house when I tried to leave, so the next day, um, Magnus had to bring him back. So, like, Johann was pretty angry. I don’t blame him, but like, he was  _ really _ angry. He actually was able to grab my arm by my sweater which is a first for us by the way so you, uh, may wanna jot that down, but he actually burned me. Like, with magic? It left a nasty mark on my skin and knocked me out. Merle has been trying to patch it up with magic, but his is considerably weaker than whatever Johann did to hurt me.” 

No response. “It was an accident though, I cannot stress that enough,” Avi added. Through the silence, he could hear a jacket rustling and something being scribbled onto a piece of paper. “Oh, you’re uh, you’re actually jotting that down? I meant that, like, figuratively, but whatever works for you, dude.”

“No, no, I’m always writing notes when you talk. It’s… extraordinary. Even through your fuck up, I’m learning so much about Johann and his condition. Do you realize we’re making history, Avi? This is the first time this stuff is being documented and isn’t immediately burned afterwards. Trust me, I’ve gone through hours and hours of old necromancy history books, deep web searches, everything. Nothing is even close to as detailed as what I’m writing, and we’re not even done! This is _revolutionary_. Oh, and uh, not to mention it’s gonna help your friend,” Lucas explained. He said each word with such enthusiasm, Avi could feel it in his chest like some sort of pride.

However, it chilled Avi to his very core at the same time.  _ Is he just helping us for his own research? _

That sounded silly. “Haha, yeah… Sounds awesome. I just, wow… There’s really nothing on this subject in those crusty textbooks?”

“Practically nothing. I really mean it. My searching doesn’t just stop at our calls, you know? This has been almost a second project for me. I’ve lost sleep over this. Even the other two necromancers I’ve mentioned don’t really know a lot about this stuff. We have the ritual in order, don’t worry about that, but so much information has either been lost or deliberately hidden and destroyed. You, my good pal Avi, are our main source of information, and possibly the source of information for future generations if this ever happens again.” Again, that chilling tone of pride filled Lucas’s voice and echoed throughout whatever street he roamed. 

_ Gods, what am I getting myself into? What have I dragged Johann into? He didn’t ask for this.  _

_ But… it’s better than staying in that room for the rest of eternity, right? _

Avi didn’t know. He didn’t know a lot of things. He didn’t know if he was even saving Johann, if he had done more harm than good by bringing him.

_ No, I’m helping him. Even if it’s painful, even if I fuck up, I’m helping him. I’m helping him through it all. _

“Lucas, what happens during that… ritual thing? Do you know how it works? Do you know how successful it is?” Avi inquired. “Like, how risky is it? What do you need to do for it?”

Lucas hummed in thought, trying to recollect what he learned. “The spell we’re using is an old one. True Resurrection, if you’ve ever heard of it. To cast it requires… well, it’s something. Holy water and diamonds worth 25 thousand gold pieces, all to resurrect someone who’s been dead for no longer than two centuries. However, if you can’t already tell, it’s outdated. The worth of gold pieces compared to today is outrageous and there’s no way we’re getting diamonds that expensive. Plus, your friend has been dead for possibly a little longer than just two hundred years, so that’s a bit of a problem.

“But! Before you get worried over that, the two necromancers also happen to be extremely smart inventors, almost rivalling me. Almost. We’ve been working and perfecting a ritual with this spell, using our very own tools and technology to bend the spell to our own needs. Magic is a thing of the past, Avi, our use of technology can shape it into something more powerful and useful than it ever was before. Not to mention it will make it harder to track, as the added use of technology tampers with any Detect Magic spell that tries to pick up on it. It’s still a work in progress, but we still have until summer to perfect it, and so far it’s going quite well. Isn’t that exciting?”

The explanation made Avi yawn right into his phone. Lucas rambled a lot, and while it didn’t bother him usually, the lack of sleep made Avi impatient. “Sure is, bud. So, you don’t know the success rate yet? And what’s gonna  _ happen _ to Johann?”

Lucas didn’t even attempt to stifle his sigh of frustration. “There’s not a lot we can  _ test _ with, you see. Like I said, it’s a work in progress. We’ve started with easy spells like Revivify, Raise Dead, even minor Resurrection on whatever dead animal we find around campus—” Avi gagged— “Yeah, gross, I know. We’re even attempting to learn the Wish spell in case something goes wrong, but that’s… a very, very powerful spell. It’s beyond the normal magic that surrounds us. It’s almost celestial. Not quite, it’s entirely achievable, but no one specializes in that type of magic anymore. Not even modern clerics. Perhaps Johann could help, since he seems to still use magic even in his… state.”

Not the answer Avi hoped for, but it was truthful. “Well… I guess it’s better than nothing. I’m tired though, maybe we can talk about this another time. You know, when it’s not the middle of the fucking night?” he teased. “Seriously, though, I’m exhausted. G’night, Luke.”

The sound of Lucas’s breath getting hitched in his throat did not come out quiet. “Oh, um, I— I, uh, good night, Avi! Uh, sleep well, sorry for calling you so late. Talk to— talk to you, uh, soon?” he stammered and, before Avi could reply, hung up the call.

Avi exhaled and placed his phone on his bedside table, lying down on his bed with his head in his hands.  _ That could’ve gone worse, but also a lot fucking better. _ His body shook with adrenaline he didn’t even notice had overtaken him, but had already fled. He felt so tired.

He also felt very  _ hot. _ Sweat dripped down his forehead and Avi felt it on his back, his arms, every part of him had become boiling hot. He sat up and stared at the door. “Johann?” he whispered out. “Are you… awake?”

More like,  _ Did you hear me talk about you and how slim your chances are of coming back to life are right now? _

Almost immediately, the heat dimmed back down to its normal state. Avi frowned and let himself lie down again, his eyes closing again to let himself fall asleep. He got so, so tired. He just needed to sleep.

“You ready, man?”

“Are you sure you want to go out  _ today? _ It’s sort of snowy outside. I don’t want you to get sick,” Johann tried to persuade Avi, but not with much effort.

Avi grinned and tugged on his kamiit one last time. “It doesn’t snow a lot here, but I’m prepared for it. It used to snow more back in Brandybuck. I got all my warm clothes just in case it ever got actually cold like it is now, and even then, I’m probably over preparing,” he laughed, but his eyes held worry. “But, like, if you’re having doubts then we don’t have to go. It’s fine if you’re not comfortable, we can just chill.”

Johann looked hesitant, his eyes flickering to the violin case in Avi’s hand and the door, but he sighed and turned away. “No, no, it’s fine. We can go. Just… just for a walk though, like you said. We leave when I get uncomfortable,” he repeated, but more to himself.

“Awesome! It’ll be quick, just to the park and back. Maybe I’ll stop by the nearby café if you feel comfortable, but that’s not a top priority, so don’t you worry about it,” said Avi as he plugged one of his headphones into his ear. “Did it ever snow a lot back then? You lived here for all your life, right? Neverwinter isn’t really known for snow.”

As the two exited the building, Johann’s eyes constantly darted around the surrounding area. “Not really, no. I mean, I don’t think so. Maybe once or twice when I was a child. Certainly not this much, either. Though I have seen it snow a few other times while in the room, through the window. I always enjoyed winter. It’s a very relaxing season. The snow is a nice addition, too. I haven’t touched snow this fluffy-looking in my life,” he rambled. 

Johann’s hands clutched the side of Avi’s sleeve. Avi forced himself to make his tensing less visible.  _ I’m not gonna freak out like this.  _ “Really? You never have? Maybe I can store some snow in the freezer, so you can touch it when you come back,” he joked to ease himself. The chill air chilled his exposed cheeks and ears, already making them flushed. 

“That’d be nice, yes. There are a few certain things I’d love to feel again, like being asleep. Gods, Avi, you don’t know how much I want to sleep! Or even just eat. All these things that are right in front of me that I can’t have. It’s annoying,” Johann whined and his grip tightened. “But… it’s nice to feel the wind right now.”

_ Yeah, the wind feels nice.  _

The park was close, like Avi said. It wasn’t huge or anything; they lived too far from downtown Neverwinter for it to be like Fantasy Central Park, but it had a nice amount of trees, some empty flower beds and a playground in the middle. 

Johann beamed when he saw it come up. “Oh, I remember this park.” When Avi looked confused, he elaborated, “Very fuzzy memories, but memories nonetheless. I lived closer downtown, but this had always been one of my favourites to come to when I was younger. I didn’t play a lot with the other kids, I’ll admit that, but the flowers always looked nice. I even played a few of my first shows as a kid here. It was nice.” He sounded distant, like he had to focus on everything to remember these few memories.

It made Avi wonder how much Johann remembered of his past, though held back any questions that came to him. He couldn’t risk repeating the mistake he made in September. If Johann wanted to share something, he’d do it on his own terms, like he did just then.

“I don’t have any big memories here. I mean, I hung out with Magnus here sometimes during the summer, but that’s all. I like to come here when I just need to chill,” Avi replied, fiddling with the handle of the violin case. “It’s just a quiet place, even in the hottest of days.”

“Really? Back around my time, it seemed a lot more… livelier,” Johann mentioned. Avi crossed the street and entered the park, snow piling up where the grass once grew. “I mean, not as much as the others in the noisier places, but still. Has it really changed?”

How was he supposed to know? “I mean, I guess. This is a pretty quiet part of the city. It’s not too far away from campus either, so I didn’t mind moving here,” he responded, entering the park. It looked barren. No surprise, people who lived in Neverwinter weren’t accustomed to the amount of snow, but Avi kept warm with Johann by his side.

That distant air to Johann didn’t leave, however. “Isn’t it interesting how time can change things? How only a few centuries ago, I could remember this little park being lively and filled with music of my own? How time changed that to a cold, empty place? A lot of things changed while I was gone. I only got to see glimpses of those changes through the dusty windows of a room the rest of time abandoned. I think that’s interesting.”

_ Is everything okay?  _ Avi wanted to ask. “Yeah, that’s interesting,” is what he said. “Maybe once you come back, you can make this place alive again.”

“Maybe.  _ If  _ I come back.”

_ When. It’s going to be a  _ when. __

Avi laughed, “I can’t wait for when that happens.” With a glance to the side, he noticed that snow had fallen again, but no snowflake landed on him. He noticed that they melted before they even got to his head.

“I’m not gonna die from a few snowflakes, y’know,” Avi teased. 

Pulled out of his distant state, Johann glared at Avi with visible embarrassment. “Oh, so you want to freeze instead? I can let you freeze. I’ve been trying to warm you up all this time and you got the nerve to complain? What a little rat you are,” he scolded. It would’ve sounded mean if anyone could hear his voice, but Avi knew he was just playing. He had gotten better and picking up the subtle things that Johann did that made him a little kinder than he let on.

“No, no, please continue! I’m just saying, you’re trying really hard to keep me warm. Thanks for that.”

“Shut up, idiot. I’ll let you freeze.”

“We both know you won’t.”

Avi stayed warm.  _ Knew it, _ he grinned in the middle of their walk. It was nothing special, just a normal walk. Avi kept an ear strained for any sort of sign that Johann felt uncomfortable, so that he could turn away and run back to the apartment. He kept expecting it every time Johann opened his mouth or even moved a little too quickly, just waiting for the words to get them back home.

Those words never came. Not once in their conversation did Johann look uncomfortable enough to leave. His initial skittish glances subsided and turned into light jabs and goofs. In the park it was just those two and the snow, nothing else to bother them.

_ I think you’re comfortable. I  _ hope  _ you’re comfortable, _ was all that Avi could think of.  _ Gods, I hope you’re comfortable. That’s all I want.  _

After nearly half an hour of playing and goofing, climbing the nearby playground’s slides, Avi laid on the snowy ground with his arms and legs sprawled out across the ground. His breath made clouds form into the air and his cheeks felt cold and hot all at the same time. Johann floated right atop of him, blocking any snow that would’ve fallen on them, their foreheads so close. The only thing between them was the case holding the violin, which Avi clutched close to his body.

“Dude, you’re really close. You cold or something?” Avi puffed out. The snow felt cold and wet on his hair and the back of his jacket. He didn’t mind being so close to Johann.

That ache to touch and hold Johann barrelled into Avi with full force. He ignored it for a while, not wanting things to be any more awkward between them than they already were, but oh how he craved to feel the warmth of his skin. They were so close, not even inches away, they were so mind numbingly close it took Avi’s breath away. He reached up involuntarily, his hand trying to grip Johann’s shoulder, but it phased through it instead, like it always had. 

It sent a burning shock through his arm and through his burns, but Avi didn’t pull away.  _ Is this the only real feeling I’ll ever get from you? Pain? _

Johann’s lips twitched into a smile. “No, I think I’m fine. I think I’m  _ really  _ fine.”

“Ugh, don’t say it like that, man! That’s so weird.”

“But I’m fine! I can’t feel cold. I did tell you that, right?” Johann moved back, seeing that Avi wasn’t moving his hand. “Do you, uh, want me to move or something? I don’t know how we got to this position.”

Pushing himself upwards to remain closer to Johann, Avi grinned. “I fell off the monkey bars. You laughed straight in my face,” he recapped and leaned on his elbows. “That kinda hurt. You laughing at me, not me falling. The snow is kinda soft.”

“Oh yeah! Yes. I was just laughing because you looked funny when you fell. Also because you fell in the first place. It’s for children, silly,” Johann moves upwards to the bars, not even bothering to move his head out of the way. 

_ Wow, thanks. _ Avi got up and moved away from the bars. He shook any snow off of him and rubbed the back of his head that he hit on his way down. “Look, I’m just trying to have some fun here. Not exactly looking for a workout.”

“It was still funny. You just plopped, like a big stone.”

“That’s mean!”

“I don’t mean that in a bad way! There’s good, big stones out there.”

“Have you personally met a good, big stone?” Avi asked.

Johann shrugged. “Yeah, I’m talking to one right now.” He turned his back to Avi, his hand gripping his mouth to keep any laughter to himself. “Not being mean, though!” he stated.

Noticing his opportunity, Avi placed the violin case down and grabbed a handful of snow. “Not being mean, huh?” He compressed the snow into a ball, grabbed the case with his free hand and ran a small distance away from where he would get the perfect angle. He shouted, “Guess this isn’t mean either!” and pelted the hastily put-together snowball at Johann.

The snowball went through Johann’s incorporeal back, of course, but he screamed in shock regardless. “What— Avi!! You know that can’t hit me!” he wailed, turning around to glare at Avi, who has gone dark in the face with laughter. “Why would you do that? Asshole.”

“Oh, I’m the asshole now?” Avi pushed out through his giggles. He grabbed more snow into his hands, “Like you said, it’s not gonna hit you!” 

“No, stop! You idiot!” Johann snapped and dove to a pile of snow, a full look of concentration on his face as he focused on picking up as much snow as he could. Some fell right through his arms, but he held the amount he had in his hands and chucked it in Avi’s direction. 

It fell gracefully on Avi, who retaliated with another snowball. “Ow! That didn’t hit, but ow! Metaphorical ow!” Johann yipped. “You have an unfair advantage. Try turning into a ghost,  _ then  _ it’s fair!” 

When Avi threw another snowball, Johann shut his eyes and his hands moved upwards to block it. It looked almost unreal when his hands caught the snowball just as it was about to hit him. The snow had started to melt in his hot, incorporeal hands upon contact, so he threw the snowball back with a loud, “Bitch!” as it hit Avi square in the nose.

“Ouch! How did you— ew! It’s all slush now!” Avi spat out the water that got into his mouth and wiped the melted snow away. “Nice catch, but ew,” he rubbed his mouth, a little in shock that Johann caught that ball. “Did you play baseball or something? You don’t strike me as the type to have played sports.”

Johann scrambled to pick up more snow with a devilish grin on his face. He said, “That’s because I didn’t. I guess I’m just good at not letting things get thrown at my face.” Mashing the snow he had into a slushy, clumpy ball, he threw it at Avi again. This time, he dodged it easily, but a dumb smile remained.

_ That’s it. You’re getting it,  _ Avi silently rooted. “Hey, at least you’re not terrible at throwing. That could’ve hit me,” he taunted.

Frustration painted Johann’s face when he bent to pick up more snow. As soon as he got an armful of it, he pushed himself just above Avi and dropped the snow on his head. “Take that, asshole!” he cackled.

Avi shook off the snow from his head, laughing with Johann. “Okay, okay, that was kinda cool, I’ll admit.” Johann moved back down to Avi’s height, his eyes wide and almost sparkled in the light reflected by the snow. 

_ No, that’s weird to think about. That’s really weird to think about. _

“You still got a bit of snow on your hair,” Johann pointed out. Avi ran his fingers through his loose hair and ruffled it a little. “Nope, still there. Gods, you’ve got… you have long hair.” 

“Uh, thanks?”

Catching Avi’s unsure tone, Johann quickly added, “Oh, that’s not a bad thing. I just… I never noticed it. It’s got a lot of room for snow.” 

“I couldn’t wear a hair tie like I usually do. I broke my last one yesterday. So, uh, I guess it looks longer now,” explained Avi, trying to shake out the last clumps of snow from his hair. 

“Still there. I could, um, get it out for you,” Johann offered. His eyes fixated just above Avi’s head and avoided eye contact. 

Avi tried not to point it out. “Sure, man. I don’t want to be soaking wet, y’know?” he grinned and tried one last time to shake away any snow.

“Hold still, sir,” Johann hissed and reached a hand into Avi’s hair. They were as warm as ever, gently brushing through Avi’s hair in a way he couldn’t begin to describe. He could feel no physical touch, no fingers threading through his hair and shaking out the snow, but he felt  _ something. _ Something with a vague amount of mass pushing away anything cold from him, comforting him with a warmth no living being could emit.

Just having Johann be so close, those hands dancing across his hair, so close to the touch he so desperately needed and craved and would  _ die for— _

A shiver went down Avi’s spine. It travelled across his body in a wave, like a wildfire, setting his nerves ablaze in an instant. His legs felt weak and unstable, his chest felt heavy and burning, his throat clenched, and his arm tightened and seared as if it were a fresh wound. Avi bit his lip to keep himself from screaming.

Johann’s hand slowly trailed close to Avi’s cheek, and their eyes locked on. Avi swore he could have felt each individual finger on his skin if he focused hard enough, which he did. He needed to. “Sorry if that was weird. Some of it was melting before I even got close to it,” he shrugged, dropped his hand, and the heat that had taken over Avi’s body left in an instant.

With a shaky sigh, Avi felt his body sag with relief. His non-injured hand gripped the violin case so tightly he couldn’t feel his knuckles. “It’s fine, man. I’m getting a little cold, though. Think we can get back to the apartment?” Avi tried to sound nonchalant, but a small quiver in his words gave him away. 

If Johann noticed it, he did not show it. “Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t want you to get sick.” 

The walk back to the apartment was calm. A lot more calm than the walk to the park. Though his nerves danced with a heat that drove him wild, Avi grinned from ear to ear the whole walk back.

“Can we do this more often?” Johann questioned. “Like, these walks? I kind of… I kind of liked this. I wish it had been longer.” 

Their arms, one burned and one cracked, crossed one another. That burning came back stronger than before.

“Yeah, we can do it more often.” 

  
_ Avi didn’t know where he was or how he got there. _

_ Well, that’s a lie. He knew where he was. Neverwinter College campus, of course. He spent all his time avoiding lingering around the place, but Avi knew what it looked like. That’s why he immediately picked up that the campus buildings looked far too clean. Too strong. Too… new. Still quite old, but a lot less dreadful. _

_ “Johann, are you coming?” _

Huh? Johann?

_ Avi didn’t control how his head whipped around to the heavily accented voice that called Johann’s name. A drow elf stood next to him with a gentle smile, wearing clothes that should’ve looked worn out and old. They looked far too silly, too historical. Far from modern. _

_ “Coming? Coming where?” Avi asked, except he didn’t.  _ That’s not my voice. I didn’t say that. Who is that?  _ It was Johann’s voice that came out of his mouth. Was it even his mouth? Glancing down at ‘himself,’ Avi noticed that he wore the exact same clothing Johann wore in his faded spectral form, except they looked real. Real and alive, something he could touch.  _

Why am I here? What is this? Why am I Johann? Where am I?

_ “Dear, you do doze off a lot. Come to my place, of course! To have a little fun. The semester is almost over and you’ve been practicing a lot for your performance, but I want you to relax! Just for a night, please?” the drow elf begged, wrapping his arms around Avi’s— Johann’s arm. His chest felt fluttery, but Avi couldn’t tell if it was what he actually felt or what Johann was feeling. _

What performance?

_ Exhaustion. The feeling of exhaustion washed over Avi, but he knew he wasn’t exhausted. “You know I get a little tired when I’m out of any spells. But Brian, I already made plans to stay a little longer here to practise. I’ll come when I’m done, but I cannot go right away,” Johann said. It felt odd, being in someone else’s body, but not having any say in what you do, say, or even feel. Like he was reliving something through Johann’s eyes. _

This has gotta be some fucked up dream.

_ The drow elf, Brian, pouted and forced his full weight on Johann’s arm. “Jooooohaaaaaan! That’s not fair! You said you would walk me home today!” Brian whined. “Just for one night! You can practise in my place. I have a cellar, you know? It’s fine for your little practise sessions. I would like to listen to you play again.” _

_ Guilt. Avi could pinpoint every emotion that wasn’t his. Guilt became the biggest one when Brian said that. “Ah,” Johann muttered and rubbed the back of his head, “I apologize for getting your hopes up, but today is one of the only days the orchestra room is empty after school hours. I practice better when I’m alone. I wouldn’t want you to see me get riled up.” _

_ Brian sighed and laid his head on Johann’s shoulder. Avi tried to push himself closer to him, even if he hardly knew the guy, but the body would not budge. “I get it, I get it. I guess this is really important to you, but do you promise to not stay too long? I don’t want to know how many times you got kicked out from staying on campus for too long,” Brian eventually grumbled and righted himself. _

_ “Oh, you certainly don’t want to know that. It’s always me and that Sazed fellow. The lab boy constantly trying to make a ‘big discovery.’ You know how the labs are just above the orchestra?” _

_ “Darling, you’re telling me this  _ now?  _ You’ve been sharing after school hours with that greasy guy? He’s so creepy. Always side-eyeing anyone who looks better than him, which happens to be basically anyone.” _

_ “Gods, you wouldn’t believe it. Whatever spells that dude has been casting have been annoying as hell. Makes the whole orchestra hot as shit, it’s hard to practice, but it’s quiet. So I tolerate it.” _

Wait, what?  _ Avi tried to look around at the campus. Whatever day it was, it was close to ending, just a couple hours before sunset. _

_ “I really should get to practicing. I only have a few hours if I don’t want to get in trouble,” Johann pointed out and grabbed the pristine violin case on the bench beside him that Avi didn’t notice.  _

_ Catching Johann’s drift, Brian nodded and pulled him into a hug. “Of course, Johann! You get right on to practicing. But you better get to my house as quick as you can. If you have the energy, I’d love a little concert. If not, we can just relax. I got a nice new bottle of brandy, straight from that little Brandybuck town up north,” he enticed, his words alive with giddy laughter. “Okay, I’m just rambling now. I’ll leave you to your studies. Take care, Johann!”  _

_ A kiss on Johann’s cheek bid them farewell, and Brian ran off campus. _

_ That fluttery feeling came back to Avi. It couldn’t have been his feelings, though.  _

You had friends before me,  _ Avi realized. It was a horrible realization that he should’ve noticed before.  _ They’re gone now, aren’t they? This is centuries ago. I’m reliving your— That Brian, he’s— Fuck, Johann, he isn’t alive anymore. No one you knew is.

_ Johann turned towards campus where the orchestra was. It felt weird, seeing the main building in its full glory. Not half-renovated, half-still-burnt. A pit of anxiousness arised in Avi’s chest. He knew what he was watching. _

_ A raven’s guttural croak could be heard as Johann entered the orchestra. _

_ Stress. Avi knew that feeling all too well, so he picked it up as soon as it appeared. It hit him harder than any emotion than before, feeling it in every atom in his body. His arms felt heavy with it as they took the violin and its bow out of its case.  _

_ The rosewood violin. It looked different in this setting. No dark blemishes, no deep burns along its body, no long crack of his doing. While there was no doubt it was a used violin, Johann used it with love and care. It remained clean with minimal scratches, polished and shining. Avi has never seen it look so alive. The entire orchestra brimmed with life as well. No burns, no ash, no dust. It creeped Avi out. _

_ “You have got this,” Johann exhaled and brought the violin to his neck. The position would’ve made Avi uncomfortable at any other time— he never played the violin and the position it took to hold one made him cringe every time he saw it. It just didn’t look very comfortable. However, it felt natural. With Johann’s hands holding it, his arms keeping it together, it felt right, like he had been destined to hold it. They belonged to each other. _

_ Avi doesn’t know what his hands are doing, but knows they are creating music. No, something beyond music. ‘Music’ felt too bland of a word to attribute what Johann could create. Magic? More than that. Avi couldn’t find the right words to describe it.  _

_ A sense of familiarity came from the song. It took him a while, but Avi eventually noticed that this was one of the songs that Johann would constantly try to repeat. The one that sounded broken, spotty in areas, parts that didn’t make sense. Yet, right then and there, it sounded clear and fresh, like Johann had memorized every single note by heart. _

_ Except sometimes Johann would curse and hiss at parts Avi thought sounded perfectly fine. “Stupid, idiot, get it right,” he growled and forcefully tapped himself on the side of his head. It hurt a lot more than Avi expected it to. Especially since Johann would do it every single time he deemed a note to be a failure. That happened a lot. _

Stop it. You’re hurting yourself. 

_ “Fucking damn it! I was getting close!” Johann yelled and repeatedly smacked the bottom of his palm on his temple with increasing speed and strength. Avi could feel a headache erupting from him. “You’re stupid! Get it right!” He stood there, seething with pure unbridled rage, then got back into position to continue playing. Avi had never seen him this frustrated, at least not to the point of any physical self punishment. _

_ The stress kept building up. Frustration infested in his chest. Avi could hardly keep up with the flurry of emotions, the music, the small blows to the head and the occasional self-deprecating scolding. It made Avi sad, seeing and feeling all the terrible emotions Johann went through. Avi wanted nothing but to stop Johann from doing this, to grab his hand and run out of the orchestra.  _

What is this performance? Why is it so important to you? So important that you…

_ At some point, Johann didn’t stop. His arms kept working, the music kept playing and blended into an enraged cacophony that ravaged the very walls of the room. Time seemed to slip from them, any feeling in their body fleeting and being replaced with nothing but a pure, hot rage that powered each and every shrieking note that ripped from the delicate instrument.  _

_ The raven’s croak sounded off again. _

_ Avi couldn’t even see, so blinded by the anger that consumed Johann’s body and mind that he lost his grip on himself. He didn’t even know how long this had gone on for. Seconds, minutes, hours, it all blended together. Nothing but hatred and music. _

_ Hatred and music. _

_ They were tied, no? _

_ Avi didn’t know much. All he knew was hatred, and that Johann held so much of it in his tired little body. _

_ It was hot, so hot, searing, painful  _ burning— 

_ Everything came crashing down on them. When Avi could finally see, the sight of white-hot fire didn’t come to a surprise to him, but fear struck him anyways. It flooded his senses and made him paralyzed as he tried to piece things in his head _

This is the day you died. I’m reliving your last moments, aren't I? But why?

_ When the shock finally left his system, Johann could only feel fear. The building was old, even at that age. Neverwinter was an old, ancient city, and its college was no different. Johann finally got pulled out of his trance when a large, burning part of the ceiling collapsed on the entrance of the orchestra.  _

_ “No, no!!” Johann cried and backed away from the fires, his violin pressed against his chest, the flames rising with his yelling. “This isn’t— Gods, this isn’t…” He couldn’t think straight, the smoke filled the area faster than he could yell. He tried to run to the windows, but the fire had already grown to it and only seemed to grow. How long had the fire been left to burn? How long did Johann not notice it? _

_ Through the flaming windows, the sun no longer shined. The stars filled the night. _

_ Fear. Shock.  _ Dissatisfaction.  _ Avi knew those feelings all too well. It persisted even when Johann dropped to the floor, his body covering his violin, coughing up a lungful of smoke.  _

Get me out. Get me out. Please, for fucks sake, I don’t want to die like this! 

_ Avi knew those weren’t his thoughts.  _

Not like this, not so sudden. Everything was fine just a moment ago. It’s going too quickly. It was supposed to be slow. It was supposed to be later! I’m supposed to be with Brian! I’m going to be the greatest violinist history has ever seen! I just need more time. I haven’t done anything. I haven’t done  _ anything  _ with myself! I’m not supposed to go this way! 

This isn’t fair! I’m supposed to be remembered! I can’t go like this!

_ The crackle of fire came first, then the ceiling above him came crashing down again. A pain unbearably worse than the burn Avi endured enveloped his entire body, tearing any forces of energy and life away from him. A terrible scream ripped from Johann’s throat, screaming and pleading for anything to save him, for mercy, curses, anything that could come out of his mouth in those intense, burning moments of pain. _

_ Anger. Avi, in the midst of all the pain and agony of having to feel and witness his friend’s own death, did not expect anger. He did not expect that emotion to burn hotter than the physical flames around them. He did not expect his hands to dig into the violin underneath him. _

_ Last of all, Avi did not expect  _ defiance.

This violin gave me my life,  _ Johann discovered.  _ I’m not letting it be the end of it, too.

_ Johann did not stop screaming. He cried, he spat, he thrashed around and tried to fight as long as he could, but he did not stop screaming for any of it. He did not go down without a fight _

I’m not leaving now. This is not my time. This is  _ not _ my time!!

_ Everything burned a lot longer than it should’ve. _

  
Pressure. An immense amount of pressure on his chest made Avi think he was suffocating as he awoke. His eyes flung open and he tried to gasp for air, to get the sick taste of smoke out of his throat, but he could not move beyond that. His body stayed put, as if they were tied down to something, but Avi could not see any physical restraints.

What he did see was Johann, who sat upon his chest and stared directly into his eyes. The crack along his left side seemed to have gotten bigger, his eye shattered beyond recognition and his face resembling more of a shattered mirror. More pressure forced into Avi’s chest and he struggled to breathe.

An immense glow also caught Avi’s eye. While he could not tilt his head to see it better, his injured arm— which had been propped upon his abdomen— seemed to glow a soft, white colour along his flame-patterned scars. 

The warm sensation of a vaguely hand-shaped mass brought Avi’s eyes back up to Johann, who stared at him with pity. “Why did you bring me with you?” he questioned, sounding so scared yet so distant.

Though he wanted to answer, Avi could not speak. He could not move his head or will himself to speak despite the lack of restraints. Even if he could, how would he have answered that question?

“No one willingly brings a ghost into their home as easily as you did. No one who is okay,” whispered Johann, who leaned closer to Avi’s face. “You’re not okay, are you, Avi? You lied to Magnus that day, did you not? You haven’t just simply ‘been a little down,’ right?”

Tears brimmed the corners of Avi’s eyes. The pressure on his chest grew, and he wondered if his rib cage would collapse.  _ I need to breathe, Johann. I need to breathe. Gods, let me breathe. _

The pressure fizzled into nothing instantaneously and Avi could breathe once again, but a groggy darkness dragged him back into unconsciousness. But he didn’t pass out before hearing one last whisper from Johann.

“No one willingly brings a ghost into their home, not unless they already have some.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u to ophelia for beta reading this and future chapters. she doesn’t have an ao3 or a tumblr but i love her anyway and she’s a huge help.  
> also lol what’s with me and starting almost all of these chapters with avi waking up? I PROMISE that wasn’t on purpose and will probably keep happening but *maybe* it has a meaning idk u guys make something up I’m not an English teacher


	7. before those hands pulled me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February is a thoughtful month. There’s a small confrontation, Carey comes to hang out, Johann and Avi get a little closer, and Avi’s friends bully him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u know, I was gonna talk abt how weird it is to write a valentines chapter in the middle of May and apologize if that seemed off putting, but u know what I realized? u guys don’t care u guys just wanna see them be cute and that’s valid.

_What the hell was that?_

No, that’s not what you ask a roommate early in the morning, even if you did just witness their death in your sleep. Avi sat on his couch with his eyes fixated on the T.V., trying to figure out how to ask Johann what happened that night.

Recounting the events of what happened made Avi uneasy. The death he had witnessed, that terrible experience burned into the back of his head, kept replaying in front of him. His arm felt alive with flames, aching and burning almost as bad as when he first got it. He clutched it with his other hand and hissed under his breath at the minor shock of pain that travelled through him. It hurt like hell, but Avi kept his mouth shut.

He thought back to the party. It _hurt_ to think about it. The people surrounding him, the stuffy heat, the loud music, the exit blocked for whatever reason, how cramped and small and _hot._

Even though his time in dream death was short, Avi could finally see why Johann freaked out at the party. To have your only companion ignore your cries for help, insult you, to relive your own death in some twisted and scary way, the exit just inches away yet so, so far.

_I can’t believe I put him through that._

It made Avi sick to think about. 

“You okay, Avi? You haven’t blinked in a while. You look like you’re about to kill something,” Johann prodded, getting in the way of Avi’s stare and knocking him out of his mini trance. “Everything all right? Gods, Avi, if you need more sleep you can get it. I don’t need you looking like a zombie in here.”

Avi flinched, then buried his face in his hands to gather himself. Johann acted like nothing had happened at all. That’s what got Avi creeped out. No look on his face showed that he even remembered sitting on his chest late at night, saying whatever cryptic shit he did. 

_“You’re not okay, are you, Avi?”_

What did Johann know about him? He _shouldn’t_ know much. While the thought upset him, neither of them knew much about each other. The past few months were filled with either classes where they couldn’t talk or whatever fun game they could think of. Avi refrained from asking much about Johann, but then that dream…

Avi didn’t want a repeat of the last time he asked too many questions, but he also didn’t want to distrust Johann. Why does living with a ghost have to be so difficult?

“Johann… What happened last night? Why did you… C’mon, man, let’s just stop dancing around it. That was, like, really weird and why did you do that? I was choking, if you didn’t notice!” he asked after a stretch of awkward silence. He would not admit it, not even to himself, but Avi was afraid. He didn’t like being afraid of Johann, but it came to him instinctively. What could you expect from a ghost?

Yet Johann didn’t look so frightened. He didn’t even look guilty. He looked more confused. “What are you talking about? I wasn’t doing anything. I’m, uh, sorry I didn’t hear you when you were choking, I would’ve come helped if I heard, but I don’t know what you’re… talking about,” he said.

“Why are you lying to me?” Avi’s voice tinged with frustration and fear. “You were— you were on me. You were staring right at me, my arm was burning and glowing, you said something that really freaked me out and you _know_ it, ‘cause you were there and you’re _lying_ to me right now.”

“I’m not lying, Avi, I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Johann insisted. “You sound exhausted, why don’t you get some more sleep?”

The thought of Johann lying to him only made Avi more frustrated. “You’re dodging everything. Come on, man, what good does it do to lie? I just want to talk about it.”

There wasn’t any reason for him to think otherwise, but Avi didn’t expect for Johann to suddenly look so angry. The clench of his jaw, the way his lips parted just enough for the small fangs to peek through, the irritation in his eyes were all subtle, but Avi could see them and he knew that they were _full_ of bottled anger. “There’s nothing to talk about, not when you’re trying to call me out like this out of the blue. Can we please just take it down a notch and have you calm down? Maybe then we can talk like civilized adults rather than children,” he spat each word like they were filth.”

There was no doubt Johann was angry. Avi knew what happened last time he looked this angry, and he continued to suffer the consequences from that time. He _knew_ it.

But Avi still pushed, and he pushed hard. “I'm not the one acting like a child here! I’m not the one lying about something we both were clearly fucking there to see. You genuinely can’t let me see _that_ , say some weird shit while suffocating me and expect me to believe you have no idea what I’m talking about!”

In an instant, a flash of heat rippled from Johann and turned the living room unbearably hot. Though he did not need to breathe, he seethed with anger, and the cracks along his body glowed with that boiling frustration. “Because I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m not gonna sit here and take your accusations in silence just because you think I said some shit to you. Since you’re so keen on accusing me of something I don’t remember, what did I say? What could you have possibly seen that is getting you so worked up to the point you accuse me of lying? What did you—”

“I saw you die, Johann!!”

That got Johann to shut up. It came out more blunt than Avi expected it to, but he just needed Johann to be _quiet_. “You were practicing for— for something of importance. So important that you got so frustrated with it that you kept hitting yourself when you were perfectly fine. You did that a lot, didn’t you? Some sort of nervous tic, I’m guessing. You don’t do that anymore, at least not from what I see. You were hurt, but you didn’t want to die. I saw it, I felt it, you were clinging on to everything around you, you were sad and scared, but you were so _angry_. I didn’t see anything after that, ‘cause I woke up and I couldn’t move and you were just…

“You were on top of me and you asked me why I brought you with me. And you… something about how I’m not okay. Saying that no ‘okay’ person would take a ghost like you in.”

As quick as it arrived, that flash of heat dissipated. Johann could not hug him when their bodies would pass through each other, but he huddled as close to Avi’s side as he could to get some sort of semblance of touch. He had a blank look on his face, all hints of anger drained from him, like he couldn’t quite process what Avi said. It made Avi feel guilty. It was so hard to be mad at Johann. “Fuck, dude, I’m sorry for being so aggressive. That all just really freaked me out and I really need to know what you were doing.”

“No, no, it’s okay. It’s fine. It’s just… That night, the one I died in, is so blurry for me. I don’t— I can remember feeling angry and scared, I can remember the feelings, but what led up to it is all a blur, and I… I still don’t know what caused it. I also don’t know why or how you saw all that. I don’t know,” Johann admitted. He tried to lean his head on Avi’s shoulder. Neither could feel any touch, but it still comforted both of them just being near each other.

“I’m sorry for bringing this up so early in the morning. I just… I don’t know, that whole thing really scared me. I can’t believe I fucked up the entire mood of the day,” Avi laughed weakly and glanced at Johann, whose eyes were focused on their hands. Their hands were so close, both resting on Avi’s lap.

Sighing, Johann shook his head. “Please, don’t say that. You’re having valid concerns. I mean, who wouldn’t freak out over watching the death of their friend?” he shrugged. “So don’t worry about that. Really.” 

They sat there for a moment, both processing the small outburst that happened. Avi still had a few questions. “Can we actually talk about it though? Like, I really don’t think this is something I can just let slide. You really don’t remember being in my room at all last night? You don’t remember anything about putting pressure on my chest, saying some creepy shit, your whole face being shattered, my arm burning and glowing weirdly, nothing?”

Embarrassment coloured Johann’s translucent cheeks a gentle, darker colour, and the room raised in temperature drastically. “I wasn’t in your room last night. I mean, that’s a lie, I _was_ kind of in your room—” he quickly put up his hand to keep Avi from interrupting— “Wait a second, dear. It was just after you fell asleep and I left as soon as possible. I was just there to, um, check on… you. If we’re being completely honest here. That’s all. I didn’t, like, say anything, I just came and left and I didn’t see you awake. I said nothing to you at all. I didn’t touch you. Nothing.”

“You didn’t say anything?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Johann stressed. “What you’re explaining sounds more like sleep paralysis. The pressure on your chest, the inability to move, the little hallucinations… seems like it.”

While it wasn’t unlikely, Avi couldn’t scrape the feeling that Johann was still covering something up. What would he even say, though? Accuse him of lying _again_? It was clear that Johann did not take too kindly to being told he was a liar. 

_Why would he lie to me about this though? It’s something so trivial. Creepy, but trivial._

Avi decided to drop it. He would either figure it out later or forget about it altogether. That uneasy feeling that Johann might know a little more than he let on still hung over his head. “I guess so, but why were you in there in the first place?”

“I’ll be completely honest, even if it’s a little embarrassing. I… tucked you in. You looked cold, you managed to kick your unnaturally heavy blanket off, I wanted to help. If I had known that me being in there kicked something off to see all that, I really wouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry you had to see that,” Johann managed to make eye contact with Avi at the last sentence. It only made Avi feel more guilty for still having doubts about the whole story.

Suddenly, Johann sat up straight and gave a stern look. “Now, let me ask you a question! I’ll turn these tables now.” He pushed himself away from Avi’s side and hovered in front of him with his legs crossed. The shatter on his body didn’t look as severe as it did the night before, but it still didn't look too good. Avi couldn’t tell if it was just the early morning light. _Maybe it was just a hallucination_. “I want to remember, Avi. What was I doing before I died? And do you— do you know what caused the fire to happen?”

It was a valid question. Avi knew that Johann was bound to be curious if he couldn’t remember it, but it came out so awkward. It felt wrong for Avi to be the one to know of a memory that no longer belonged to the one who lived it, but it’s not like he could deny telling Johann.

His eyes darted to the floor, refusing to keep eye contact anymore. “You were, um… You were talking to a guy. I don’t know if you remember him, but a drow elf? His name was Brian. You two, you guys seemed pretty… close,” Avi winced slightly when he said that, though he wasn’t sure why. He could still feel the kiss on his cheek Brian had given before leaving.

“He was trying to convince you to come to his place. To take a break from whatever you were practicing for. You declined and he left. You went to the orchestra and, like… that’s it. You practiced, practised a lot. Like, it must’ve been hours, but I— we— _you_ were in a trance. So dedicated to whatever you were working on, and you kept hitting yourself. That part still stays with me. Aside from that, you only pulled yourself out of that trance when the whole room had already been covered in flames. The rest, well…” The images of flames made Avi wince. “I think you get it.”

Johann didn’t respond. “I don’t really, um, know of the _exact_ cause, ‘cause when you were practicing you were pretty occupied, but… you alluded for some guy named Sa— Sazed while you were talking to Brian. Apparently he used to work on some spells in the former labs upstairs and it would get really hot, your words. I guess something happened with that. An accident, I suppose. I never saw him, though.” Avi picked at his nails as he finished his explanation, still trying to keep eye contact to a minimum. “I’m sorry if that’s not really as detailed as you wanted it to be.”

A familiar glaze covered Johann’s eyes, his damaged one almost pure white. “I… I see. It’s fine, I… yeah, it’s fine. That’s fine. It’s just, wow. I remember Brian. Now, at least. I can’t believe I forgot him. I wonder what he’s doing. I mean, what he _used_ to do. What he did after he found out. I suppose you can’t answer that, though,” he sighed and moved back next to Avi. “Again, I’m really sorry you had to see that. I don’t think you deserved it. I don’t know why it happened, but I’m sorry.”

Avi bit his inner cheek. “Nothing to be sorry about. I mean… at least I could answer your question. Though I have to wonder, do you remember what you were practicing for?”

“I don’t really remember, but the funny thing is whenever I try to think about it, I just get this weird phantom anger. Like, when I just try to remember it, all the terrible, terrible feelings I used to have towards it would wash over me, but nothing about what it was. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” Johann’s hands balled into fists, and they trembled violently towards the last part.

Attempting to get him to calm down, Avi placed his hands on Johann’s. His hand felt so hot as they phased through like always. He mumbled, “Yeah, I get it.” Not that he really did. There’s a lot of things that Avi couldn’t understand about Johann, as they were very specific to the fact that he remained alive after his death. Avi wouldn’t get to feel that.

At least, he _hoped_ he wouldn’t.

Gods, he prayed he wouldn’t. 

“Can we… I don’t know, can we start over?” Avi asked, looking up at Johann, who was staring at him. He looked so tired. They both were, in different ways.

“What do you mean by ‘start over?’” Johann’s ear twitched quizzically. Avi always liked when that happened. _It’s cute,_ he would think before scolding himself for being too weird.

“We sorta… we’ve sort of gone off track with this. I feel like we don’t really know much about ourselves anymore. I know it won’t make up for what I did, but I want to try again. Sort of just reintroducing ourselves?” Avi suggested. 

They needed a distraction. Running away from problems, grudges and pasts isn’t ideal, but both of them needed a distraction. 

Luckily, Avi had gotten better at running away from his problems throughout his years, so he knew his way around.

Though he still looked confused, Johann eventually laughed. A small laugh, but one that Avi appreciated. “You’re so dumb. I like you for that,” he mumbled. Avi’s chest felt hot so suddenly. Johann rolled his eyes and tried to cover his smile with his palm, “Okay, fine, let’s introduce ourselves again. If that’ll bring your spirits up.”

“Haha, spirits? That’s funny.”

“Okay, wow, I did _not_ mean that.”

“Admit it, you totally meant it.”

“...fine. Perhaps I did,” Johann shrugged, moving his hand to cover the smile that continued to grow. Avi could see the smile, no doubt about that. Johann’s hands have always been translucent enough for him to see through to that lovely grin, but he wouldn’t tell him that. It was better that he was comfortable and believed he hid it well.

Running a hand through his hair, Avi took a deep breath and tried to contain the giggles that built up in his throat. “Okay, I’m ready. I can’t wait to meet you again,” he joked.

Johann floated a little bit away from his position on the couch, his hands clasped together. “Cannot wait to meet you either, college boy.”

To set the scene, Avi got up and ran to the kitchen, his hand on his mouth to keep himself from laughing. The serious tone of the conversation before them washed away immediately when Avi peeked from the kitchen to see Johann floating upside down, causing the both of them to laugh. “No! Wait! Start over, I was being silly!” Johann got out of his laughter and righted himself, the entire apartment becoming a warm, but gentle temperature. 

“We’re doing this one take! This is it, this is my entrance, pull yourself together,” Avi cackled and leaned against the nearby doorway to the kitchen, staring at Johann with the most dumbstruck smile on his face. 

With a deep, unnecessary breath for a dead man, Johann collected himself and motioned for Avi to come back. As he plopped on the couch, Avi introduced himself, “Hey, a ghost! Awesome. My name’s Avi, I’m gonna bring you back to life, and we’re gonna have a great time before it.” 

Though it was clear he was trying his best not to laugh from the way his ears and shoulders would tremble in short, sporadic bursts, Johann kept a dignified look similar to the one he held when they first met. “Pleasure to meet you, Avi. I’m Johann and I’m going to make your current life a living hell in the best way possible.”

The distraction was all they needed. The two broke out into giggles once again and both attempted to lean into each other for support, though their shoulders ended up passing through each other’s. Any hostility in the air had melted away, instead replaced with the distracting, playful situation they put themselves in. “How’s that for a new start?” Johann hummed.

_I want to hold you._

That desire grew every day. _Man, I need to hang out with my other friends more often,_ he’d think. He assumed it was the need for platonic touch, something he knew Johann couldn’t give him. _Yet._

“I think that was a pretty good start. I think we can build something from this meeting,” Avi said and leaned his cheek on his hand. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Johann, not even for a second. 

Johann didn’t seem to notice his state, instead concentrating hard enough to press his back against the couch and relax. “Build? Like Minecraft?” he ribbed.

Though it was just a joke, Avi nodded slowly. “Yeah, like Minecraft,” he sighed. He felt warm and happy, completely forgetting about the terrifying death he had just lived through, instead focusing all his attention on Johann. He wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to focus on anything else ever again. 

  
The view of Avi had of Neverwinter from the green roof atop his apartment building wasn’t movie worthy, but Carey enjoyed hanging around there with him when they could. They sat together with their legs dangling from the wall that was supposed to keep them from falling off. 

“I still think it’s wild that Merle managed to pull off getting this. It’s a nice idea, and you get to sit out here all you like,” Carey said and let her legs swing, her heels bouncing off the concrete wall of the building. “I mean, c’mon, even in the winter this looks pretty nice. Even if the plants aren’t exactly, you know, green this time around.”

Avi only shrugged in response. He had been up on that roof many, many times, even without Carey, Merle, or even anyone. Sometimes he just went up there alone. The visuals had gotten boring after some time. “I guess. It’s not all that special when you live here and see it all the time,” he mumbled. His hand reached into his pocket and pulled out a steel flask. Popping the top off and taking a sip came so naturally to him, even if he hadn’t taken that flask out in months.

Carey noticed it, too. “I thought you said you were quitting that?” she pointed at it. Avi scratched the back of his head.

“Eh, cheat day. It’s not strong. Just something to keep me awake.”

“You been sleeping okay?”

“Oh, yeah, maybe a little _too_ well. I can hardly wake up in the morning,” Avi snickered and took another sip. “Okay, but getting off topic— how was Killian with the parents? I mean, you guys just got back from that, right?”

As if the conversation before never happened, Carey took Avi’s hands into hers with pure excitement, her eyes shining and her tail thumping along the concrete like a dog. “Oh, it was even better than expected! Like, Scales liked her, which I consider a win. The rest just had a ball with her. She was a little tense throughout the whole thing, but she was so great. It was just such a good time,” she exclaimed. 

Though he had to tighten his grip to make sure the flask that was still in his hand didn’t drop to the streets below, Avi felt just as excited. “It sounds like you guys had a blast. Glad it went well!! I can practically hear the wedding bells chime in the distance.”

Small shakes came from Carey’s neck frills, her eyes darting rapidly. “Shut up, dude! It’s too early, don’t ya think?” she said and smacked Avi’s head playfully. He let out a quiet ‘ow.’ “You’re too funny, but embarrassing as all hell. If you were there, Killian would’ve probably killed you from how many jokes you’d be making.”

“Hey, it’s worth it every time!”

They leaned on each other, shoulder-to-shoulder, both letting out a sigh and a giggle when their breath came out all foggy. It had been a while since the last time they hung out on the rooftop. Avi didn’t realize how much he missed just sitting next to Carey, enjoying each other’s presence in peace. That wave of guilt for locking himself away came back to him. 

_Wow, I was really stupid enough to do that, huh?_

That wasn’t the time to think about it. “What’re you gonna do on Valentine’s? You know that’s coming up soon,” Avi mentioned. 

“Probably just gonna go to the Chug ‘n Squeeze again. Keep the tradition alive and well. It’ll probably calm Killian down as well. She’s still so awkward from our visit!” cackled Carey. “Maybe I’ll get her a cool new gift, though she’ll probably one-up me like she usually does. Not that I’m complaining! I adore her gifts. They’re always so nice.” As she dropped Avi’s hands from hers, she let out a dreamy sigh and leaned her head on his shoulder and nuzzled into his sleeve.

Even though the act of Carey nuzzling into his injured arm made it ache, Avi bit his lip and did not voice his complaint. He couldn’t afford to make her worried, especially when his wound was getting better. Merle _said_ it was. Avi couldn’t tell any major difference other than it didn’t flare up as much as it used to. It still looked like he had been maimed.

“Speaking of gifts… Killian told me you specifically asked her for help for a new, certain someone for Candlenights. A mysterious musician, huh?” Carey piped up. A smirk tugged at her scaly snout, causing Avi to flush a darker colour.

“That… was nothing. Just something for a new friend.”

“Friend? What type of friend, hm?” Carey asked.

“The normal type of friend! The friend you, like— Gah, I’m not answering your questions anymore!” Avi batted away Carey’s face that was slowly inching closer to him. 

She squealed and wrapped her arms around his neck with excitement. Avi felt himself lose balance just for a moment, sending his heart out of his chest before stabilizing again. “How cute!! Tell me about him, will ya? Or you don’t get this!” she bargained. When she pulled away, Carey taunted Avi with a shake of his flask that was now in her hand.

_How is she so good at that? I didn’t even notice she took it._ Avi attempted to reach for it, but Carey simply threw it over her head and allowed her tail to grab it, keeping an even greater distance from him. “That’s not fair. It’s not like I have much to say about him in the first place! We’re still kind of new.”

Carey let out a single ‘ha!’ and shook her head. “That’s not what Killian said! You could’ve gone off about him for days if she apparently hadn’t stopped you and you’re expecting me to believe you? Get talking about your little friend, will ya?” she demanded once again. 

They both stuck their tongue out at each other like children. “You’re such an ass. Fine, I’ll talk. Just don’t drop the thing, okay?” Avi finally submitted. Carey grabbed the flask from her tail and popped the top open, taking a small whiff of the contents. Almost immediately, her face scrunched up.

“Whiskey? Before noon?”

Avi groaned and rubbed his head. “You gonna judge my taste in alcohol or do you want me to talk?”

“Get talking. I’ll hand it over when I think I know enough about the guy.”

What was there to say about Johann? Far too much, at least for Avi. Even if they didn’t know much about each other’s pasts, the present they created with each other in the months they lived together was significant. “Uh, where do I start… Uh, his name is Johann, I don’t know if Killian told you that. What— what did she tell you?”

Tapping the side of the flask on her chin in thought, Carey tried to recall what Killian spilled. She whispered, “Hm… he’s a violinist. Likes ocean life, specifically jellyfish. Also into Minecraft, I’m assuming? You picked that out for the gift with Killian. Also that you so obviously got the hots for him.” With a playful smack on Avi’s head with his own flask, she sat up straight to listen.

Even thinking about what to talk about Johann made Avi’s chest hot, as if he were right next to them with his welcoming warmth. Carey’s comment didn’t make it any easier. “For one, I don’t have the ‘hots’ for him. He’s an awesome guy and all, but not like, in that way. I just think he’s nice. He can come off as a little mean to some people, though. It’s like, you know, he doesn’t talk much? He’s pretty shy. So he doesn’t have a load of friends either, which is such a shame, ‘cause I think he’s really funny! Like, he’s kind of old-fashioned, he’s been teaching me about magic and all…”

Avi doesn’t know how it happened, but just like with his time with Killian, the information about Johann spilled out of his lips like a dam had been lifted. He’s not sure how he had so much to talk about Johann or why he couldn’t seem to stop after he started. It spilled, it spilled, it spilled like a waterfall of praises and information of a man who he cared for so much, even if he wasn’t sure of why.

It got to the point that Carey shoved the flask into Avi’s chest and interrupted him. “Okay, okay, wow!! She wasn’t kidding when she said you started yapping away! I haven’t heard you talk that much since high school,” she laughed. Avi grabbed his flask tightly and shoved it into his pocket.

“You’re the one who told me to talk.”

“I didn’t know it was that much! It sounds like you could write a whole novel about this guy, and you expect me to believe you aren’t in love with him,” Carey joked. Expecting Avi to retaliate, she let the short silence sit there for a moment. She didn’t expect it to last longer than a moment, nor did she expect him to stare at the streets below them and awkwardly bite his lip. “Uh, I’m kidding about all that. I get that you’re probably not into him. That’s fine.”

It took awhile for him to get the words out of his mouth, “No, it’s okay. I’m just… I don’t know, I’ve just been thinking about it. It’s… complicated. I don’t think you would understand.” 

_‘Think’ is an understatement. I_ know _you wouldn’t understand. I don’t think anyone could understand their feelings for a ghost._

_… Am I seriously considering if I’m into Johann that way?_

Even though Carey would never know to the extent of what Avi meant, she grinned anyway. “Maybe I won’t, but I like to think I know of something similar.” 

_I’m not sure you do,_ Avi wanted to say. His eyes focused on the streets below them. _We sure are high up. It’d be a long fall from here._

A raven’s croak sounded off not too far away, catching Avi’s attention. The black bird, standing on the edge of the rooftop a few feet away, stared at him with dark, round eyes. ‘Empty’ was not the word to describe them. In fact, Avi felt that those eyes knew far too much for a little raven.

Seeing the raven, Carey smiled and made a couple of kissy noises with an extended hand. “C’mere! What an adorable little man you are. I haven’t seen one up close like this,” she said, her voice quieting down as she tried to coax the raven closer.

Its eyes never left Avi. They couldn’t break eye contact, even if he wanted to. The raven let out a soft warble, one so similar to the one Avi heard in his dream of Johann’s death, and flew off. 

_What the hell was that about?_

Carey, oblivious to Avi’s discomfort towards the bird, huffed and pulled her hand back. “Bummer. He looked friendly. They have such cool black feathers, don’t they?”

“Er… Crows are better. In my opinion at least,” he shrugged. The shrill squawk of the raven echoed from the distance, bouncing off the empty streets.

“There’s a difference? I can never tell. I don’t really watch birds or whatever.” 

“Yeah. It’s a little difficult to tell, but that was too big to be a crow.”

Pressed against Avi’s shoulder, Carey laughed under her breath. “We got a bird watching habit, huh? Is this what you do nowadays? Drink whiskey early in the morning, watch birds, make friends with hot guys?”

Avi rolled his eyes and smiled. He started to pick that up from Johann. “Yep, this is my retirement plan already. Sounds pretty solid, doesn’t it?” he kidded.

“You have more of your life together than me!” Carey quipped back. _That could not be any farther than the truth,_ Avi thought bitterly. He couldn’t say that out loud. 

Carey hopped from the small wall they sat upon back into the safe part of the rooftop. “Well, wanna go grab an early lunch or something? We can talk more about your friend when you have more time to think about it, if that’s fine with you. I’m starving, man! Hardly had any breakfast.”

Uncertain feelings of all sorts buzzed around Avi’s head. His arm ached, and his chest felt heavy, creeping unease and tentative thoughts about Johann. The amount of stimulus would be too much for any human.

But Avi put on a wide grin and followed Carey, who pulled them into the staircase to leave the cold roof. “Sure, sounds great. I’m getting pretty hungry as well,” he lied. He never had such little appetite until then. 

  
Valentine’s Day is advertised as a day for lovers, but it was never any different for Avi. It wasn’t a major holiday of any sort. He couldn’t care less about it in any way, shape or form, unless it’s hearing of his friends’s stories with dates. Nothing felt different about the day. 

At least, it _usually_ didn’t. 

So when he and Johann took a walk under the stars, nearing the end of this loving day, Avi didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why his heart pounded to an extreme amount, how his head kept connecting that walk under the stars with his friend to the concept of Valentine’s Day, or why it fit so right. He couldn’t understand it even if it slapped him in the face.

“It’s a nice night, isn’t it?” Johann spoke up. He looked around at the snow falling down around them, their path along the park lit up only by the lampposts. Darkness shrouded everything else, leaving them in their own little spotlight. Just the two of them.

It took Avi’s breath away just thinking about it. “Yeah, I guess it is. Though that might be because you can’t feel how cold it is,” Avi replied, rubbing his arms to warm himself up. The cold wind brushed past his face and sent an icy chill down his spine, even under all his warm clothing.

“Oh, I thought I was helping with that? Are you telling me I’ve been wasting my energy for nothing?”

“I wouldn’t say for nothing. I’m probably warmer than I would have been without you,” said Avi.

The cool breeze made Avi shiver. “I still feel a little bad. I warm you up for a reason. I don’t want you to get sick, ‘cause it’s not like I can help you then, and I don’t want you to be going to that Merle’s place even more than you already have been,” Johann explained. He looked towards Avi’s arm for a moment. “How is your arm, anyway?”

That small tone of guilt that Johann couldn’t hide was barely there, but Avi picked it up. “Better, I guess. It still kinda burns and is really sore to touch, but it’s not as bad as it used to be,” he tried to sound reassuring. That was only partially true. While it had gotten better, the healing process was at a standstill. The runes that covered his flame-patterned scars had doubled in numbers, some even becoming harder to scrub off to make room for new ones. _It still sucks,_ is what Avi wanted to say.

“I’m, uh… glad it’s getting better,” Johann cleared his throat. Though he would’ve felt uncomfortable from an interaction like this, Avi only thought about how cold he was and how his chest felt so heavy around Johann, but in a pleasant way. It blocked out any negative thoughts he could’ve had.

Johann sighed and moved closer to Avi, making sure not to bump into the violin case. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but… why are we even out here? I don’t mind, but if it’s so cold and late, why are we walking? I know it’s Friday and all, but you still got your studies to do,” his hand trailed to Avi’s shoulder, “Again, I enjoy our walks… I’m just wondering why now? We could’ve saved it for tomorrow.”

Avi’s walking slowed when Johann brought it up. He tried to tell himself that he didn’t know, but some part of him knew otherwise. Some part of him that he adamantly tried to ignore wanted the satisfaction of knowing that he went out with Johann on Valentine’s Day. Even if it wasn’t a date at all, even if he had no one to tell it to, being able to think those words— _I went out with Johann on Valentine’s Day_ — made him feel far too excited than he wanted to feel.

_That’s weird. You don’t think those things about your basically dead friend,_ he tried to tell himself. _It’s weird. It’s weird to think of that at all._

Yet still, Avi let himself indulge in the thought for just a little while longer.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” he lied. His throat felt tight and dry from the cold air that filled his lungs. He needed to be warm again. He had gotten so dependent on it. Where was his warmth? “I just need to be with you today, specifically. Just you.”

_Gods, I’m cold. I’m really cold, Johann._

A small chuckle from Johann brough Avi out of his thoughts. “I can’t really complain about that, can I? I lo… like. I like being with you. Not that I have much of a choice—” both of them snorted at that part— “I still enjoy being with you. I’m getting better at enjoying… _everything_ about being with you. I’m getting better. Even if it’s slow.”

Avi didn’t need to think much about what Johann actually meant. Thinking about it made his eyes water, stinging in the icy wind, but he could not stop smiling at the thought of Johann forgiving him. “I’m glad you’re enjoying being with me. Even if I don’t really... deserve your enjoyment,” he let out a weak laugh.

“Oh, you definitely don’t. I just can’t help myself, though.”

_That’s fair._ Even if it was, Avi still flinched inwardly. It was still a sore subject for them, even months later. They wouldn’t drag the conversation on any longer.

The two didn’t speak for a while. Only the sound of the wind blowing snow around them filled the silence between them. Avi normally didn’t mind the silence, but in the darkness of this loving day, he needed to hear Johann. 

“Stop walking, please?” Johann requested.

No hesitation. Avi stopped immediately and nearly toppled over himself, but he turned to face Johann directly. “Yeah? What’s up?” he asked, not even attempting to hide the eagerness in his voice. _I wanna talk to you. More than I have ever wanted before and I don’t know why._

“You’re cold, right?” Avi nodded slowly, unsure of where Johann would take the conversation. “I was just thinking… As we’ve, um, proven before under different circumstances, it is possible for me to hold you. Through clothing, mind you. And, uh, you’re wearing pretty thick clothing… So I was just wondering if we could test… if we could test things out. Just to, I don’t know, warm you up? And also maybe see if we can do it again, but in a better way. If that makes sense?”

“Yes!” His voice and enthusiasm made Johann jump in his place. Though he looked anxious, Avi laughed, “Shit, sorry for scaring you, I just— yeah, it makes sense. A lot of sense! I wouldn’t mind, you know, trying. I’d love to hold you. Like, in a— you know what I mean? I’m just, like, saying I would totally love to test it out and… just hold you. That’s what I’m trying to say. Yeah!”

Every inch of him needed to touch Johann, no matter if clothing blocked them. With the idea presented in front of him for the first time by Johann instead of himself, he couldn’t help himself. Even if some part of him feared it would be as painful as the first time they touched, Avi’s overwhelming desire to be held by someone, specifically Johann, had override any other feelings that could’ve come to mind.

_I need to hold you. I need us to touch— please, it’s all I really need right now. I need you, Johann. I need you so much,_ Avi pleaded in his head. 

After gathering himself, Johann let out a quiet giggle that made Avi’s entire nervous system kick and flutter. “You’re so silly,” he muttered through his smile that he tried to hide by looking away. “I’m not entirely sure how it’ll work? The first time it happened, I wasn’t really thinking about it… but I know it needs a lot of concentration on my part.”

“Oh, yeah, totally understandable! I get it, bro. Take all the time you need. Except, like, not literally? It _is_ getting kinda late, but no pressure! I don’t mind waiting. For you. I don’t mind waiting for you. I could stay out here for hours with you. Really, I could.”

_Fuck, I sound like an idiot,_ Avi scolded himself. _Why am I acting like this? It’s just Johann. Just a friend. Why am I acting like an idiot? He has to be tired of me or something. I don’t get why he even alluded to forgiving me. I wouldn’t forgive myself._

“I think I’m… I think I’m getting it. It’s really hard to concentrate, but I _feel_ like I’m cold. I think I can feel cold,” Johann interrupted. Avi looked up at him, and he couldn’t look away. 

Nothing about him had necessarily changed in any dramatic way. He looked the same as he did just a minute ago, but in Avi’s eyes, Johann looked _glowing_ underneath the light of the lamppost they stood under. His incorporeal form, translucent aside from the darker cracks along the left side of his body, looked like it was glittering with the snowflakes and light that danced around him in the most perfect way. Any self doubt Avi had fell off his shoulders, blinded by whatever strange feelings he couldn’t identify when he saw Johann.

“Hm… Perhaps we can start, I don’t know how this works—”

Before Johann could finish his sentence, Avi dropped the violin case into a small pile of snow next to them and threw his arms around him in an instant. Instead of meeting something remotely solid-like, his arms passed through Johann’s body like they usually would. For a moment, it didn’t even register. Avi was so sure that he would feel Johann in his arms and hold him. That he would feel the most blissful warmth between them, yet he was back to hugging himself with half of him still inside Johann.

Once it finally hit him, Avi shook his head. “No, wait— Did I do something wrong?” he questioned, his voice trembling.

A brush of warm air caressed Avi’s cheek and made him look back up at Johann, his hand hovering just above his face, and had a small smile on his lips. The one Avi had grown to adore. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Not like that. I just think you need to let me lead, hm?” reassured Johann. “Let me go at my own pace. Let me do the holding.”

Admittedly, the thought did worry Avi. In every scenario he thought of finally getting contact, it was always him taking Johann into his arms. Never did he imagine it being the other way around. Not after last time. It would’ve frightened him at any other time, even if he would never say it out loud. Yet somehow, underneath the light of the lamppost with snow falling around them, Avi didn’t feel any fear. All he felt was the desire to be _held_ , rather than the desire to _hold._

“If you’re fine with that, please bring your hands up a little.”

It was so easy. Avi brought his gloved hands up clasped together, unsure of what would happen, but completely submitted to whatever Johann would bring upon them. The warm sensation of Johann’s hands hovering around Avi’s, cupping and cradling them with only the tiniest of space between them. “It might take a few tries, but I won’t make it go on any longer than it should,” Johann warned.

_Does that even matter?_ Avi wondered. _I could stand here for years just to be held by you._

Yeah, that’s a thought you have about your friend.

There were a few slip-ups. Every time Johann tried to grab onto Avi’s hands, they would phase through, and his face would cringe in dismay. “I’m almost there, I swear,” he hissed when Avi tried to speak up, “Please, be patient with me.” And Avi was. In his own clumsy way, he bit back any comments and he was patient. Something that used to be so difficult for him, and continued to be difficult, but he was patient for Johann.

They tried and they failed.

Avi was patient.

They tried and they failed.

Avi was still patient. Cold, but patient. He couldn’t have done this with any other person but Johann.

Patience paid off in the end. No years of standing were needed, nor any bouts of impatient huffing. 

The two felt it before they even saw it. Instantaneous and gentle, the feeling of hands— real, _tangible_ -like hands— clasping around his gloved ones almost made Avi’s knees go out and send him stumbling into the snow. His entire body flushed with heat, his scarred arm even more so, but he couldn’t care less. All Avi cared about was the feeling of Johann’s hands around his being cradled with a weight that held life in them.

“Are we— Avi, can you, can you—”

“Gods, yes, Johann. I can… I can _feel_ you,” Avi laughed, relief dripping through every word. “Johann, we’re… you’re holding my hand! We’re holding hands, Johann!!” 

Johann looked just as surprised, the widest smile Avi had ever seen him give plastered on his face. His grip flexed upon Avi’s hands, sometimes becoming numbingly tight to hardly there at all, getting a feel for Avi’s human hands. “I haven’t… held _anyone_ since I died. I’ve never felt anyone so closely until you,” Johann choked out. He sounded like he was crying, but no tears were present on his face. “I have been alone for so, so long and I’m holding you now. I’m holding someone so _alive_ and… Fuck, I’m sorry if I’m getting too dramatic here.”

“No no no no, it’s fine, it’s perfect— you’re perfect! I mean, like, that came out… I don’t know, but I want you to know it’s fine. Like, I may not know exactly how it feels to go without touch for centuries after dying, but I’m sure I’d be reacting the same way? I sort of understand where it’s coming from too, y’know? Like, I don’t think I’ve held hands with anyone this meaningful since I was a kid and I’ve sort of been dreaming of this day to come and I’d be able to hold you and oh my gods look at me rambling! I’m just, uh, saying embarrassing shit right now, I’m sorry for ruining this moment.”

Throughout Avi’s ramble session, Johann occupied himself with inspecting their hands. “You apologize too much,” he chuckled. “You didn’t ruin anything. Nothing at all. We’re just both experiencing something we have been wanting for a long, long time, hm?”

Hearing those comforting words made Avi less tense and relaxed into the hands of Johann. He mumbled, “I guess…” and unclasped his hands to let Johann explore them more, which he did immediately. It made him feel something special to see Johann drawing shapes on the palm of his gloves, applying pressure on his fingers that he could feel through the padding, inspecting and _admiring_ a part of him that had previously been one of his most unloved areas of his body. Avi felt safe with those hands, even if he had grown boiling hot.

“Oh, uh, sorry if I’m dawdling on too long with this. I don’t want to let go, if I’m being honest,” Johann glances towards the side. His hands still didn’t leave. In fact, their grip only tightened. 

“Who’s the one apologizing now?” Avi hummed. For the first time, he gripped Johann’s hands back. After a look of shock, Johann relaxed as well and even moved in closer to shorten the gap between them. The heat that came from them melted any snow that had previously fallen and collected on Avi’s jacket and protected them from the snow that built up around them.

The chill didn’t matter when they were together, though. Johann rolled his eyes and intertwined their fingers together. “Shut up, man,” he groaned. 

Avi swung their hands around playfully. “I don’t think I will, sir.”

“What, we're stealing each other’s way of addressing people now?”

“It’s not like you’ve called me ‘sir’ in a while. Sounds like you’re getting used to my way of speaking already.”

Looking up into Avi’s eyes, their hands interwoven with each other, then around the snowy park, Johann nodded. “I suppose I have,” he said. “It’s very different from what I’ve lived with, but… It’s a little easier to adapt to the new present when you’re forgetting your once familiar past, isn’t it?”

_Right, you’re forgetting a lot of things every day. That must get tiring… How much have you forgotten already?_

Avi held Johann’s hands a little tighter. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how it feels to be in your situation,” Avi acknowledged, “but that’s not gonna stop me from learning and helping you. You know I’d do everything to make sure you’re okay, right? And that I don’t regret helping you out of that room. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Even if I didn’t exactly know what I was getting into at the time, I know for a fact I’ve made the right decision, and that things are gonna get so much better from here on out.”

The gentle squeeze on his right hand caught Avi’s attention, if only because of the strike of pain that went through his arm. “You’re too kind, you know that, right?” Johann sighed. He looked exhausted. “I don’t know what happened in your life to make you susceptible to taking ghosts into your house, but I’m really glad you did, even if it sounds a little selfish. I don’t think anyone else would’ve taken me.”

_You wouldn’t want to know._ Avi thumbed Johann’s knuckles in silence, focused on nothing but the warmth he was wrapped in and the hands that brought it. _I’m just glad I have you. I don’t know what that means for me, but it means something. I guess. I don’t know. I’m new to all this. Especially with a ghost._ Avi had to stop himself from laughing at how ridiculous his thoughts sounded. _I hope it’s not too obvious, whatever I’m feeling. I don’t think you deserve to see my feelings when you’re already so stressed._

Neither of them knew how long they stood there, admiring each other, savouring every bit of clothed touch they could get. They attempted to explore past their hands and onto their arms, but that proved too much for Johann, as they would phase through each other once more. Instead of risking anything, they returned to holding hands. It was the only thing they wanted to do at that moment. They weren’t ready to risk losing their grip.

“Avi?” Johann eventually piped up. Avi hummed to show he was listening. “Do you think we could go back to the apartment? It’s not that I don’t enjoy this, I really do, but holding regular objects is very tiring on its own. Holding you, while it fills me with joy… is very, very draining. I’d love to continue this another time, but right now I’m just really tired.”

“What? You should’ve told me, man,” Avi said as he attempted to pull their hands away. As much as he loved it, he worried for Johann’s safety first. “Of course we can go. It’s getting late.”

While Johann let one hand slip away, the other he held with an iron grip. “I still want to hold your hand. I don’t want to let go just yet,” he pulled Avi’s hand closer. “I don’t want to risk this being the last time we do this. I don’t want to cut it short.”

_Why would this be the last time?_ Avi wanted to ask. He always had far too many questions for Johann that he never felt brave enough to ask. “Just don’t tire yourself too much, okay? I… care about you,” he confessed and picked up the violin case from the small mound of snow he left it in.

That sentence again. _“I care about you.”_ It wasn’t a lie— he _did_ care about Johann— so why did it feel so weak compared to what he was feeling? Every time Avi tried to think about it for too long, his chest would start hurting, and later his head. He couldn’t help himself from thinking.

When they started walking back to the apartment, their _home_ , Avi thought about many things. Many things he would have laughed about if someone told him he would think those things just a year earlier. The possibility of falling in love with a ghost who had such little chance of coming back to life isn’t one that a lot of people would come face-to-face with. Avi especially didn’t think he of all people would face it.

_Has this ever happened before?_ Avi wondered. _Are there people out there who have had this happen to them? Have those people worked things out? Have they failed? Have people ever fallen in love like this? Have they worked it out? Or am I just making a dumb decision, being sad enough to like someone who’s half dead instead of anyone else who’s alive in my time?_

_…That sounded mean. Johann isn’t all that bad. I’m just scared that I’m alone in this. It’s not like there’s an article on How to Tell If You’re Falling In Love With the Dead Guy Who Lived In Your College Campus._

Johann had his head turned to the side as they neared their home, what he usually did when he was deep in thought. 

_What are the chances of all this happening, and him actually liking me as well? No, not ‘as well.’ I don’t know if I like him. I don’t… know._

“Uh, Avi, you’re passing— you passed the apartment.”

“Shit. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” Avi turned back around to the apartment, his eyes locked on the floor so he wouldn’t embarrass himself by looking at Johann and saying something stupid. “It’s, um, just getting pretty late. I’m tired, too.” That wasn’t a lie, Avi had gotten pretty tired from their late night walk.

When they walked into their apartment, they still didn’t let go of each other’s hands. Only quickly did they break contact, for Avi to tear his coat off and put down the violin case, only to go back to clenching Johann’s hands with his gloves still on. “Aren’t you hot with those? We can stop for now. After all, we’re both tired,” Johann tried to reason.

It all moved too quickly. Avi had no control over himself, his legs had a mind of their own. With his eyes locked onto Johann’s, he pulled them into his room. “Avi, I, I’m not supposed to be in here.”

“That didn’t stop you a while ago, did it?”

“What are you— what’re you doing?”

Avi sat down at the foot of his bed and yanked Johann closer to him. They were so close. A weak smile tugged on Avi’s lips. “I don’t know,” he chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t know, Johann. I just don’t want to let go. Please, stay with me.”

Johann pulled one of his hands away. While Avi impulsively tried to grab it back, he stopped himself. “I wouldn’t ever leave you on purpose. I hope you know that,” he whispered into Avi’s ear. As he did, he gently pulled off the gloves from the other’s hand. “But I think right now, you need to let me rest. Let the both of us rest. We will hold each other another day.”

Just as he was about to slip off the second glove from Avi’s hand, Johann broke his concentration and lost his grip. Immediately, Avi noticed both his gloves on the floor and he sighed with his head in his hands. “Yeah, man… I get it. We can’t hold hands forever. At least, not until you get a body again.”

_We could hold each other as much as we wanted._

A look of uncertainty flashed on Johann’s face, but dissipated as he moved a little further away from Avi. “If it makes you feel any better, I can rest beside you. I won’t do anything, but I’ll just be here. I just need my violin, of course—”

There was no wait. Avi had already left the room and came back just as quick. He had taken the violin out of its case and held it in his hands with gentleness. The cracks along its old wooden body remained, but Avi refrained from touching them as he placed it on his bedside table. 

“Sorry I interrupted, I just thought I’d get it over with,” he panted and began to remove his shirt. The room bursted with heat instantaneously, with Johann staring straight at Avi as he tossed aside his shirt. He only turned away when Avi glanced in his direction and gave a short chuckle afterwards. “It got so hot all of a sudden. I wonder what that’s about,” he teased.

The bedroom only got hotter as Johann looked more and more embarrassed, yet still kept an eye on Avi. “Did it? I didn’t notice. You must be imagining it,” he brushed away the comment and only then did he glance away. Avi simply rolled his eyes and flopped onto his bed.

“Of course you didn’t notice it. You can’t feel anything!” Avi dragged his weighted blanket over him and yawned. The blanket that once let him feel content with its makeshift illusion of contact felt like nothing compared to the hazy, but ever so real touch that Johann could give. That small weight on his hands were imprinted in his memory and he wasn’t sure if any product could replace it. “But you still feel tired, huh?” he said to distract himself, staring at Johann who hovered just beside him.

A sigh came in response, “Yes, it’s weird, especially since I’m not able to really ‘sleep’ it off. Just sort of sit it out. It’s also been a lot more… prevalent than usual. I can’t remember the last time I felt this drained.” 

“Is it something you think I should mention to Lucas?”

“Yes, I think it’d be useful for him to know.”

The apartment settled into silence, the only sound being Avi’s soft breathing as he closed his eyes. Something kept him up a little longer, though. The warmth Johann provided from his embarrassment had disappeared, even though he hadn’t let that happen since the time he was out of commission. The time he was so tired, he could hardly keep his very soul intact.

_Is holding hands really that tiring for him?_

Would it be selfish to ever ask for it again, knowing that Johann got so tired from it? 

A few moments passed and some shuffling. “You still up, Johann?” Avi whispered out.

No response. Avi looked around the room for Johann, but saw nothing. He settled back down and stared up at the ceiling. “I’ll take that as a no,” he grumbled and twisted his body to face the other direction. As he did, something fuzzy hit his cheek. Taking it under his face, he held the Voidfish, its soft bell warm in his hands.

_I don’t remember putting this here. Johann usually just carries it around._

Yet Avi didn’t complain nor did he try any harder to question it. Hesitantly, he took the soft toy and pulled it close to his chest. As Avi curled into himself, hugging the jellyfish so tightly to his chest that the signature tune of _Sweden_ played quietly, he felt warm once again. When he drifted off to sleep, if he focused hard enough, he could’ve sworn he felt a heartbeat that wasn’t his against his chest.

  
There’s a lot of thoughts you can have after going out with a ghost, even a whole week later. Those thoughts clouded Avi’s mind from where he was— where was he, anyway? Did that even matter? It all blurred to him. When he tried to pull himself back to reality, he would get dragged back down to his thoughts.

The weight on Johann’s hands, no matter how obstructed it was, still dominated Avi’s thoughts. Why did he enjoy it so much? Why did he crave it so deeply, when he had living friends who could provide a more tangible touch? All his thoughts led back to Johann. It was _always_ him. Always Johann, Johann, Johann—

“Hellooo? Is anyone there?”

The hand waving across Avi’s face made him jump from the bench he sat on. “Wha— hey? What’s up?”

Magnus gave an awkward grin. “Dude, you keep zoning out. You kept looking lost in the gym and you look like you’re about to pass out. Did you push yourself too hard or something?” he asked in concern. 

“Don’t bother, he’s been out of it a lot lately,” Carey interrupted. “Even when we talked a couple days ago, he looked like this.”

“Well, we can still worry. If he’s been so out of it, why hasn’t he told us? Why didn’t you tell us this, Carey?” Killian asked. They all stood around him as he sat on the bench with his head in his hands.

“You know I’m _right_ here, right?” Avi snapped. “Like, I can talk? You guys don’t have to act like I’m in another room.”

“Oh, uh, sorry ‘bout that,” Killian scratched the back of her neck and looked away. “We’re just a little worried. We don’t need you passing out or anything. It’s not like you to be this disoriented. We usually leave that to Magnus or something.”

“I’m fine. Just a little hot, maybe a bit tired as well. That’s all! Just needed a breather. We can continue going. Where are we going again?”

The three exchanged looks before glancing back down at Avi. With a quick nod, they all sat on the bench, squeezing together to fit in it. “No, it’s fine, we can take a breather,” Magnus assured.

“You know you can take off that sweater, right? Even just for a little bit? No wonder you’re hot, you’ve been working out in _that_ the last couple times we’ve been out. You never wear anything more than a tank top, usually. What’s up with that?” Killian pointed out. She slapped a hand on Avi’s back, less force than she usually would, which he appreciated. 

All he could do was shrug. “I don’t know, I just feel more comfortable in it. Look guys, it’s nothing physical,” Avi stood up and gave his friends a stern, albeit hazy look, “I’ve just been thinking! That’s it. Distracted. Come on, let’s just… We were going to eat, yeah? Let’s just go.”

At the mention of ‘distracted,’ Carey perked up. “What’s getting you so distracted, hm?” she inquired, a knowing look in her eyes. Killian seemed to have caught on as well, as she began to light up and grin. Just seeing that made Avi flush and turn away.

“That is— can we go?” Avi stressed. “Like, what do you want me to tell you?”

Killian shrugged in an attempt to look like she was unbothered, but the big smirk plastered on her face immediately gave it away. “The truth, preferably. Come on, if something’s getting you all distracted, I think we should know! Will you tell us what’s distressing you, pretty boy?” she giggled.

“I don’t know _what_ to tell you! It’s not like it has anything to do with… anything right now! So what, I’ve been distracted by some dude or whatever? That’s literally it, I’m not dying, you know,” Avi eventually spilled, his face dark and heated. 

“What?? When did this happen?!” Magnus jumped up from the seat and grabbed Avi by the shoulders, which made one of them sting. “Are you seeing someone, dude? Is this why you’ve been so fucked up?”

Avi rubbed his head awkwardly, “I’m not really ‘seeing’ someone. I’m surprised you didn’t know. You guys didn’t tell him?” He looked towards Killian and Carey, who were giggling amongst themselves on the bench. 

Magnus looked surprised as well. “You two knew? And didn’t tell me? What’s with you guys! Keepin’ secrets n’ shit. C’mon, I would’ve loved to know about this sooner!” he exclaimed and gave Avi a friendly ruffle of the hair. He swatted Magnus’ hand away with an embarrassed laugh and looked around anxiously. 

“Sorry we didn’t tell you, but hey, it came straight from the horse’s mouth this time,” Carey nodded in his direction. “So I’m guessing you took him out on a date for Valentine’s, huh? ‘Don’t have the hots for him’ my ass. You’ve been thinking about him the entire time!”

“It wasn’t— it wasn’t a date. At least, I don’t think it was. We were just walking in the park nearby my house, we might’ve held hands, that’s it. Nothing huge, nothing, nothing!”

“But enough ‘nothing’ for you to get distracted over?” Killian cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes!” Avi shouted and sat back down on the bench, Magnus following suit. They all pushed to be sitting as close to Avi as possible to better hear of his story. “That nothing… it was a nice type of nothing, but I’m not sure if it means something. I don’t know any of this! It’s complicated, okay?” 

The sound of his friends jokingly cooing made Avi cover his face in shame. “Shut up, guys! I hate you all. I will kill all of you by the end of the day,” he threatened, but eventually laughed at how silly he sounded. 

“I just think it’s cute. You’re so cute! I guess we just didn’t expect you being lovestruck looking like you were about to pass out,” Carey jabbed.

“Ugh, don’t call it that. I’m not ‘lovestruck’ or whatever. Like I said, it’s complicated. I don’t know my feelings,” Avi reiterated.

Magnus groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Avi, no one who doesn’t have a crush spends this much time and effort thinking about some pseudo-date to the point you look like you haven’t eaten in a week. I’m pretty sure if you didn’t have a crush on this guy who I don’t even know the name of, you would definitely have known by now.”

While he had no ill will towards Johann, the thought of falling in love with him was frightening. Everything about their situation was tough already, but to add genuine love in the mix? What would they even do when— Avi refused to think _if_ — Johann came back to life? Would Johann feel the same? If he didn’t, what would they do? Live together awkwardly, both uneasily aware of the fact that one has feelings for the other? 

“I mean…”

Even though his fears were there, Avi couldn’t deny that some part of him also liked the idea of being in love. If this ended up being love, Avi found it to be lovely. The pure amount of warmth that covered his body when they were next to each other, the electricity that rushed through his veins the time they held hands, holding Johann in his arms one day and genuinely enjoying and _loving_ him, all of it sounded so amazing. The thought of love pulled harder than the thought of fear.

“I guess I’ll think about it,” Avi finally admitted. A silent cheer came from the three of his friends and made him snicker. 

“That’s good enough for us!” Magnus said, jumping from the bench. “Now I think we can get going, since I’m hungry and at least we know Avi isn’t gonna drop on us during the walk there. Well, not for sure, but at least we’ll know it isn’t ‘cause he’s sick or something.”

The rest of them followed Magnus, with Avi still looking embarrassed and shy as they walked. Carey chuckled, “Yeah, maybe next time you tell us you’re having boy problems instead of acting like you’re dehydrated.”

Avi scoffed. “Okay, okay, I get it. I look like I’m dying when I think about Johann. Can we get any original jokes, Carey, or are we all out for today?”

“Johann? That’s his name? Like the ghost at our campus, or the Bach?” Magnus questioned.

“ _The_ Bach? You act like the dude’s an object or something. And c’mon, don’t bring up that stupid ghost now,” Killian gave Magnus a questionable look. He only shrugged.

“Whatever! You know what I meant. That’s cool through. Being a musician, having a musician as your name. Does he give you private concerts? Does he play Bach?”

_Gods, now he’s just gonna ask a shit load of questions,_ Avi realized. He groaned, “Don’t like the way you phrased ‘private concerts,’ I’ll be honest—” Magnus snorted— “Knew it. Yes, sometimes he plays for me. Never tells me what he’s playing. I don’t recognize it as Bach’s? They seem… older. Something I’d have to go digging for if I bothered to ask him.”

_When was Johann alive again? I don’t remember the exact timeframe. Did he ever even mention it? Whatever, it was probably close to Bach. He probably wasn’t even famous by the time Johann died,_ pondered Avi. _Does that mean that my Johann might’ve been before Bach? Might’ve? That’s… not the revelation I wanted to have today. That’s actually lowkey kinda weird, but I won’t think about it too hard or I might just cry._

“Oh, so he’s a nerd! Got it,” Magnus grinned.

Avi huffed, but before he could complain, Carey butted in, “Are you surprised? Avi’s one, too.”

“Not really!”

“Okay, engineer. You can deny it all you like, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re our little nerd,” Killian pestered, giving Avi a gentle punch on his good arm. He had never been so glad to have been punched there.

“Fine, fine. Call me a nerd or whatever,” Avi swatted away Killian’s hand with a smile. “Let’s just hurry up. Where are we even eating, anyways?”

Magnus threw his hands behind his head and stretched his arms as they walked. “Oh, just that old place nearby. The one we always went to during high school. You know, ‘Sizzle It Up with Sazed,’ after his show. The one founded by that dude way back when the campus burned down. Barely escaped, had to fight tooth and nail to get out, ‘cause he was trying to save Johann— the ghost, not your Johann— from death. Obviously that didn’t work out, but hey, he tried. Remember it? Yeah, that one.”

_...Oh._

Avi hadn’t quite connected those dots until now. “Yeah, I remember. Didn’t really need the whole backstory,” he replied with a shaky breath. _Good to know that his whole story’s a lie I guess,_ he realized. It left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Can you guys stop babbling on? Let’s just hurry up! Maybe don’t leave me behind, you giants!” Carey yelled, climbing and jumping over her girlfriend to jog in front of them. 

Killian sweat dropped in shame. “Sorry, babe!” she called out and ran next to her. Magnus and Avi trailed just behind them, but the latter was filled with thoughts as they neared the restaurant the four of them had once dubbed ‘their’ restaurant.

As Avi tread through the cold February air, he thought back to the earlier conversation. Of him possibly falling in love with Johann. Those thoughts would soon disappear as he would be forced to sit down in the restaurant founded by the man who indirectly killed his friend, but as he walked, all he could think about was falling in love with Johann. All he could think about was how much he _wanted_ that to be true. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how much yearning can u guys even handle? where is ur limit? do u even have one? how touch starved are u guys rn? anyways i hope this is good guys.


	8. from the earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> March is a tense month. Lucas checks in, Avi cleans his room, Johann plays a song, and Merle patches Avi up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh I’d like to just apologize if this chapter is a little messier than usual! my beta reader was unable to review this chapter, and she’s just as much of a contributor to this fic as I am! I don’t think this would be nearly as good without her. hopefully it’s still good. everyone say ily to ophelia. anyways, hope u enjoy

“Wow, look at you. Calling us at a reasonable time for once.”

Lucas groaned, and the grimace on his face only grew, making Avi laugh. Johann turned away to hide the fact he wanted to laugh as well. “Very funny. Maybe it’s reasonable for _you_ , but it’s still early as hell for me. You’re lucky I even decided to wake up early for this, I could’ve just called you late at night again if I really felt like it,” he grumbled and adjusted his glasses.

Adjusting his laptop to sit more comfortably on his lap, Avi let himself relax a little into his couch. Winter stretched on a little longer into early March, its icy chill still in the air, but he didn’t quite notice. Not when Johann sat so close to him to make sure Lucas could see the both of them clearly. 

“Oh, shut up. You’ve been dying to learn about what we have to say,” he teased. “I’m glad you did, though. We actually do have a few things to talk about that I think you might need to know? Like, I’m not sure if it’s gonna help things, but I’d rather you just know it now than wait until you come here.”

After a bit of silence, Lucas eventually sighed, “Yeah, I’m interested. But from the sound of your urgency, I guess it’s not fantastic news.”

“Not all of it, but there is good news,” Johann butted in. At first, Avi couldn’t recall what could possibly be good news. With Johann getting more and more tired, the horrifying dream, the missing memories, what good had come up from the month without contacting Lucas? He opened his mouth to make a comment on it, but the warmth on his hand made him hold back. A quick glance towards it showed Johann’s hand phasing through his, at an angle where his hand was completely hidden inside of Avi’s. That’s what reminded him.

 _We held hands,_ Avi recalled. Less confidently, he reminded himself, _And I might be in love with Johann._

Lucas didn’t need to know that. 

_Johann_ didn’t need to know that.

Upon taking a closer look at Johann, Lucas winced. “Gods, that injury’s a lot worse than Avi described it. Is it causing you pain? Is it obstructing your vision in any way? We need to make these calls a little more frequent, I’m telling you guys. I clearly cannot leave you alone for a few months,” Lucas whispered as he pulled out his notepad and pen. From where he got them, Avi couldn’t tell, as from what he could tell in the unlit room Lucas sat in, pillows and blankets surrounding the rest of him.

Johann touched his left eye, his fingers tracing along the crack until he stopped at his collarbone. “No, no pain. It’s a little blurry to look out this eye, but there’s no pain,” Johann said. He let his hand linger on his collar for a moment, his other hand remaining in Avi’s. Then he brought both of his hands to his lap, nervously fiddling with them. 

As Lucas wrote those answers down, Johann waved it off, “Enough with that. That’s the least of our concerns at the moment. The issues that have been coming up with me are a little more… worrying? Yes, I think that’s the correct word.” 

Awkwardly shifting the laptop to face more towards Johann, Avi tried not to look at him. “Yeah, uh, they’re pretty worrying,” he mumbled. It hit him just how serious this conversation was. How serious _everything_ about Johann was. Would it even be fair to fall in love with him? Avi tried not to think about it. They had more pressing matters. “I think Johann should explain it to you.”

“You see, I’ve been getting a lot more tired as of late? Which doesn’t sound too concerning at first, I know— hey, I can _see_ you scowling,” Johann snapped, which made Lucas drop the scowl from his face. “I don’t usually feel tired. When I first died, I actually forgot what it felt like to be tired. I spent weeks, maybe years, just yelling and throwing whatever I could and I never felt tired, but throughout the decades it was a gradual process. Now it’s just, it’s just constantly hitting me with so much force, and it’s not like I can sleep it off. I just have to sit still and try not to think, but at the same time, I still have to keep a form? I still have to keep myself looking like, well, myself. That’s not usually so tiring, but lately it has been. I can’t stress enough how this doesn’t usually happen.” 

With each word Johann spoke, Avi felt a pit grow in the bottom of his stomach. He knew about the tiredness; they had talked about it the day they went out, but he hadn’t known the extent of it. It made him remember the time Johann disappeared after the incident with the party. How when he arrived in the dead of night, he was nothing but a hazy ball of something incomprehensible. 

Lucas, however, didn’t look too concerned. He kept his head to his notebook as he furiously scribbled down everything Johann said. “Uh-huh, yeah. Any other bad news, or do you want to talk about that supposed ‘good news’ you have?”

After a look of contemplation, Johann shrugged. “No, no other bad news. Okay, so a few weeks ago Avi and I—”

“Wait, wait, wait a minute,” Avi interrupted, giving Johann a confused look. “That’s not true. We had another incident.”

Johann tilted his head slightly. “Did we? I can’t recall,” he said. It made Avi a little upset, but he refused to voice it. He couldn’t tell if it was genuine forgetfulness or Johann trying to hide the information from Lucas, but Avi would not let it slide. 

“That actually fits on the other bad news. That being that I saw Johann’s death in a dream. Like, with details I shouldn’t have known about. And I’m guessing he’s been having some problems with his memory as well, since he seems to be… forgetting about things he’s done,” Avi explained. 

At the mention of forgetting things, Johann shot a glare towards Avi. “If it’s about the thing we already talked about, I already said that it wasn’t me. We agreed on this, yes?” he said through clenched teeth, each word full of annoyance.

“I’m just saying, you have been forgetting things! You admitted it yourself that night.”

“Yeah, things from centuries ago! Not things from a month ago. Honestly, I can’t believe we’re still having this conversat—”

Lucas’s groaning and tap on his webcam made Johann stop talking. “Blah blah blah, will you two quit it? I didn’t wake up to hear your bickering. So from what I’m gathering he’s been having problems with being tired, forgetting things, and you also witnessed his death in a dream. I’m not here to watch a shitty soap opera. If I wanted that I would’ve just asked Barry for his Netflix password,” he sighed. “C’mon, we’re all adults in this situation, aren’t we? Here, let’s take some steam off. What was that one piece of good news?”

The question brought Avi’s attention back to that memory. The hostility between the two disappeared almost instantly as they glanced at each other and then their hands. How could Avi stay mad at Johann? It felt almost impossible. Even in such a serious situation, his thoughts drifted off to the shape of Johann’s hands and the way they cradled him that day.

Johann relaxed, the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. Could you even call it a smile with how small it was? No matter what it was, it made Avi feel hot. “Uh, well… a few weeks ago, I think, Avi and I tried something out. It was a little difficult at first, but we managed to hold hands for the first time. Which is a lot, considering it takes a lot of effort to do it, and this is usually what happens,” he said and quickly shoved his fist into Avi’s face to demonstrate, causing the latter to gag.

“Ew! Get your hand out of me!” Avi yelled. Lucas’s quiet snort at the sentence made his face grow dark, but he ignored it for a moment to swat Johann’s hand away. Eventually, Johann pulled back, instead covering his mouth to hide his smile. Avi couldn’t look away after that, his eyes fixated on how cute Johann looked.

_Gods, stop thinking that. We’re in the middle of something._

“Sorry, it just doesn’t get old,” Johann laughed.

“Still, it feels so weird! It probably looks a little weird, too. Doesn’t it, Lucas?” Avi tried to get the support from Lucas, but didn’t get a response. When he turned back to the camera, he noticed Lucas had a mildly shocked look on his face, along with a mixture of uncomfortableness, like he didn’t even want to be watching. 

That look stayed for only a moment, because when he noticed Avi looked towards him, he wiped it off his face instead with an awkward grin. “Uh, yeah! Looks, uh, looks rather odd. But, um, the— the good news? Is brilliant news! Like, wow, I’m really glad you two could do that. That’s, um, really nice. And useful! Uh, how did you do it?” Lucas stuttered out. 

Before Avi could ask what was bothering Lucas, Johann let out a small, dreamy sigh, “Oh, we just used gloves. Again, it was a little difficult at first, and doing that was very tiresome on its own, but I think it was worth it. It made me feel a little more tethered to this world. It was a really nice feeling. It made the exhaustion so much more worth it.”

Avi’s face only grew a darker colour hearing that. “You, erm, you didn’t tell me that last part. I mean, like, wow, that’s actually really cool,” he grinned. Johann didn’t look towards him, but that hint of a smile gave everything away.

“Yeah, that _is_ really cool,” Lucas mumbled into his mic, writing a few words down. He sounded tense, his words quick and curt. “Well, I don’t have a lot of things I can say about these things at the moment, but don’t get me wrong, they’re useful! Though for now all I can recommend is for you to go a little easy on yourself, Johann? Like, if… holding Avi really makes you tired, maybe hold off on doing that?”

It was a straightforward answer and definitely not one that needed much thought. Yet, upon hearing this, Johann’s smile dropped silently. Like it was never there.

_But I saw it. I saw it, and it was nice._

“I mean… yeah, that makes sense,” Johann shrugged. “I get that you won’t have any definitive answers now, but… will there ever be answers, ever? Or are you just writing things down for the sake of writing things down?”

Initially, Lucas looked as if he were about to snap with something witty, but he took a deep breath and pulled a calmer composure. He started, “I’ll be honest… there may be some things that I may never get a full answer to. Not until we meet up in person, maybe not at all. We can speculate all we want, but we don’t exactly have all the time in the world, and we may not even have the advanced technology to understand everything. Me writing all this down, though? This might help someone in the future if things like this happen. And trust me, it’s gonna be worth it in the end.”

The spiel reminded Avi of the one Lucas gave a couple months back. That weird sense of pride that hung in Lucas’s voice as he spoke felt too celebratory, considering how much progress had hardly been done.

Even with the explanation, Johann still looked disappointed. “I see,” he brushed the topic aside, “I get it. We won’t have every answer.”

“I— I might know a little about the dream thing, though? Like, it’s not for certain, but this isn’t the first I’m hearing of something similar to this. It’s actually, um, it’s actually one of the more popular things about the study of spirits n’ stuff…” Lucas trailed off.

That caught Avi’s attention. “Well, spit it out! You’re not the only one who needs the answers,” he demanded, causing the two other men to jump in their place. “Shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to come out that rough,” he flashed a nervous smile, “I’m just sorta interested! I just want to know as much as possible, you know? Yeah, you know.”

The other two let out a sigh of relief in unison. “Dear gods, you need to relax,” Johann attempted to joke, playfully slapping his hand through Avi’s face.

“Sorry, it’s just this stuff is interesting, and I wanna know as much as I can. I wanna help!”

“With this, there’s not much you can… help with? Basically, being as brief as possible, your spirit holds who you are as a person, including memories. As Johann has mentioned before, lots of his memories disappeared and continue to do so. There’s a physical component to it that causes a lot of things most typical in ghost stories, most noticeably hallucinations or occasionally dreams, usually somehow linked with the spirit. It’s just a physical part of Johann’s spiritual being that held that memory… detaching itself and drifting by while you were asleep. He lost the memory, you caught it by accident and you saw stuff pertaining to it. It’s simple, really.”

“‘Simple’ my ass,” Avi rolled his eyes. “You just spewed out a whole essay. But to be fair, I think I got the gist of it. Kind of weird, though. Parts of Johann are just, like, physically leaving him? And it just hangs in the air?”

Lucas shrugged and dismissed Avi’s concern. “Hey, do I look like I make the rules here? Also, it’s less of ‘hanging in the air’ and more of it trying to relocate to the Ethereal Plane. You know, where Johann’s _supposed_ to be?” he scoffed, like it was something obvious. 

However, Johann still looked a little lost. “Excuse me, but what do you mean by that? The Ethereal Plane?” he asked, his hand reaching up to scratch at his cracked cheek. It looked almost second nature rather than it actually bothering him. “I know it’s a plane of existence, but I’m… I’m having trouble remembering what that has to do with me.”

An irritated sigh came from Lucas. He shifted in his bed and kicked off a few sheets as he sat up a little straighter. “As you know, the Ethereal Plane coexists with our Prime Material Plane. It’s like a road to the Astral Plane, where spirits reside to be brought to the Astral. You were supposed to go there after you died, but because you got attached to your violin just before, you remained a part of the Prime instead of moving on to the Ethereal. Now as your grip starts to loosen from being here for so long and using so much energy, your spirit is just… trying _real_ hard to bring itself where it’s supposed to be,” he explained. “Am I making sense?” 

“...Yes, I get it now,” Johann glanced away. He sounded quiet and his head turned away to contemplate something. _That’s enough for today,_ Avi realized. It had become a lot easier for him to pinpoint when Johann started becoming uncomfortable and needed the conversation to end.

“All right!! If we’re, uh, done with the questions for now, could we maybe put a pause on this? ‘Cause, um, I haven’t eaten breakfast yet! And you sound like you need a few minutes of extra sleep. We can always call another time!” Avi intervened. He gave Lucas a strained smile, giving a quick glance towards Johann and back at him to get his point across.

Thankfully, Lucas caught on a little more quickly than Avi expected him to. “Uh, yeah! That sounds good. I definitely need a bit more sleep,” he let out a loud yawn to reinforce his point, “So, yeah. I’ll talk to you guys later, I guess!” With a swift wave, Avi hung up with a simple click, then instantly turned to Johann with concern.

“Everything okay? You don’t look too good.”

“I— I don’t know,” Johann moved away from the couch and looked at anything but Avi. The living room had gotten stuffy. “I just… I don’t know, that felt weird. I didn’t feel calm at all throughout that whole thing. It made me feel _worse,_ honestly.”

Avi put his laptop to the side and moved in front of Johann, clutching the sleeves of the sweater he wore. “Hey, I’m sorry that made you uncomfortable. Was it something specific?”

Though it looked like he wanted to burst and explain everything, Johann shook his head and kept his eyes to the floor. “I don’t know. I don’t have any words to describe it. I’m just scared, Avi, I don’t want to be scared. I don’t like… not having answers, and I haven’t had answers in centuries,” he sniffed. Everything about him looked like he was crying, but no tears fell down his face.

Oh, how Avi dreamed that he could help Johann. He dreamed of pulling him into his arms, squeezing him so tightly, telling him things will be okay. It’s a dream that Avi hoped would come true, one distant day in the summer.

A dream that wasn’t achievable yet. Avi leaned closer to Johann with a comforting smile, trying to catch his attention from the floor. “Look, I know it’s frustrating, I get it. There’s not much I can do at the moment, but I promise I’m gonna be here for you. If something bad happens to you and I have to drop everything to get to Lucas first, I’ll do it! I won’t let this go wrong. It’s gonna go slowly, I won’t deny that, but I promise things are gonna get better! We just— we need to wait,” he tried to reassure Johann. 

Though it took a few moments, Johann eventually looked up at Avi. While his eyes portrayed sadness, he had a slight smile that he didn’t attempt to hide. He sighed, “Your optimism is admirable, I’ll admit that. It’s really hard to stay so down when you’re with me.”

Those words made Avi’s heart skip a beat. _Not now. Now’s not the time,_ he tried to tell himself, but that couldn’t stop his cheeks that became hot and his smile that grew larger. “I’m, um, glad that I can do that for you! I don’t like seeing you upset,” Avi laughed to distract from his now flustered state. 

Johann slowly moved closer, making Avi even more flustered. “You’re so nice. I couldn’t imagine getting picked up by any other person. What’re the odds of getting such a nice man like you, with access to a necromancer?” he hummed.

“I’d, uh, I’d imagine not very good odds,” Avi stammered, anxiously glancing around the room before finally settling on Johann. He was tired, and his demeanour did not betray that, even if he tried to mask it with an overly affectionate, borderline flirty act. Avi derailed, “Hey, off topic, you know how you said that keeping yourself looking… human-ish, makes you tired? You don’t have to, like, keep it up if it makes you tired. I don’t mind if you let loose.”

When the subject changed, Johann’s smile fell, but he voiced no complaint. “I _could,_ but I sort of prefer knowing that I look like myself. I don’t want to accidentally forget how I look, you know? It sounds silly, but when I’ve left everything I’ve had behind, my looks are really the only thing I have left from my time. I wouldn’t want to lose it,” he admitted.

“I get that, but it’s also okay to loosen up a little. And if you ever forget what you look like, I’ll help! ‘Cause, um… I think I got you down to a T. That sounds weird now that I say it out loud? I’m just saying, I look at you a lot, and you’re really cute, and I think about you and— dude, I’m just making it worse, aren’t I? Yeah, I’m making it worse! But, um, yeah, I’m just saying that you don’t ever have to worry about that and I really want you to be comfortable…” Avi drifted off. “Uh, sorry for that.”

Expecting an uncomfortable silence, Johann’s laughter filling the room came as a pleasant surprise. “Gods, Avi, you’re too funny. What, you’re gonna be fine with a floating ball around your house? You really crack me up,” he squeezed out of his laughs.

There were no more sad eyes or tears that couldn’t fall. Avi had gotten better at distracting Johann, perhaps even a little too good. Any indication of the uncomfortable call beforehand had disappeared into thin air. Avi couldn’t tell if that was good or not.

“So long as that floating ball is you, I wouldn’t mind,” Avi joked, but in a way that he meant it. “Seriously, I don’t care. Sure, I love seeing you every day, but I still want you to have energy and to not fall apart. I want you to be okay.”

“Why, thank you. I’ll remember that,” Johann nodded. 

“Like, trust me. You’ll be fine. Especially when you’re with me. I think I’ve been doing a decent job at taking care of you lately,” Avi said. He attempted to give Johann a playful wink, but it came out as an awkward double-blink. “Damn, I forgot,” he huffed and crossed his arms.

Johann raised a brow at the weird blinks. “What was that? Are you having a stroke? I can’t have you be dead, too.”

“What? No, no! I just… I never learned how to wink, that’s all.”

 _Snort._ It was such a silly sound to come from Johann, but it slipped out anyway, even as he tried to hide his laughter. “You, um— care to repeat that, Av?” Johann teased. He threw in a proper wink for added effect, making Avi whine and roll his eyes while Johann let out another obnoxious snort. “You’re a part of ST— STEM, that’s what it’s called? You’re a part of STEM, an engineering major, and you can’t wink?”

That fact about Avi was embarrassing to him, but Johann’s reaction to it made up for all of it. “Oh, shut up. It just never came to me naturally! It’s not like you take lessons for it or something,” he said. He placed a finger on one of his eyelids to keep it shut while he kept the other open. He tried to keep them that way, but when he removed his finger, both his eyes closed and his face scrunched up comically. It gained another laugh from Johann. Avi could sit there for hours, praying to never learn how to wink if that meant he could hear Johann laugh all the time.

“You’re so funny. I already said that, but I mean it. I don’t think I laughed this much back when I was alive,” Johann giggled. Though the sentence itself sounded sad, Avi couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. _I make him laugh._ “Now let’s get you food. You weren’t lying when you said you didn’t get breakfast. Hurry up! I don’t need you starving right now. I also gotta make sure you don’t eat fucking frozen waffles and call it a meal like a _monster._ ”

Avi chased after Johann with laughter and slid into the kitchen with his socks. “It’s an acquired taste! It counts as a meal! You just wouldn’t get it,” he snorted. The two felt comfortable with each other in that moment, whipping witty jokes and small arguments about breakfast foods as they desperately tried to ignore the uncertain future they would be forced to face.

  
As spring came around, Johann proved himself to be one of those people who became a little bossy for some spring cleaning. _“I haven’t mentioned it before because we weren’t close enough, but I think we’re at the level of being able to tell you that your room is a mess,”_ Johann admitted in the morning. _“Don’t you think you should clean up a little? I’m so glad I don’t have a body so I can float over it all.”_

It’s not like Avi could blame him. While he had been blind to it the whole time, Johann’s words made him realize how messy his room had gotten. Clothes and blankets he could’ve sworn he lost were strewn across the floor, old packaging littered each surface. It wasn’t the worst it could be, but it certainly didn’t fit Johann’s standards. 

Cleaning had never been Avi’s forté, but he trudged along anyway. Johann had agreed to keep him company and help out if he had the energy to, and to Avi’s surprise, he contributed. 

The soft light from the setting sun filtered through the window in Avi’s bedroom when they started it. Johann focused on picking up the smaller trash while Avi cleaned up the clothes. The two didn’t look at each other much, even if the room was a little small, both kept to opposite sides of the room. Avi’s bed stood between them, a physical barrier that kept them apart.

“Is there anything you want to talk about? Just to speed things up,” Johann piped up, dropping an old iced coffee cup into their designated trash bag. It had gotten a little quiet, so he didn’t mind the question, but Avi wasn’t sure what to answer with. He didn’t have a topic they could talk about.

After a few moments of no response, Johann finally said, “You can get personal. I think we’re at that level now. What do you want to know about me? I may not be able to answer all questions, but I’ll answer what I can.”

It came out of nowhere. Avi wasn’t sure why Johann had become so open to revealing about his personal life, but he wouldn’t question it. Not when he had been holding back so many questions from ever since they first met.

“Hm… Now that you’re letting me, I have no clue what I want to ask,” Avi sighed and threw some more clothes in the hamper he held by his hip. “Do you remember the people you were friends with? Like, their names and stuff?”

Johann had to think about that one for a second. He tossed an old beer can into the trash. “Starting off strong, huh? Well, I remember Brian a lot more clearly. He was a charming man, studied illusion magic specifically, or was it evocation? I can’t remember. I remember him being very kind. A little loud, but so kind. I hung out with him the most. He was the greatest wizard I ever knew, but he never boasted about it. I don’t know, something about him was just sweet. I think we had a thing—” Avi cringed to himself— “but I can’t remember. I remember others, though. Like Ren, she was a lovely girl. She put so much strain on herself to better her magic, I’m sure she lived a great life,” Johann winced at the end of his sentence. 

“Um… oh, Sloane! Sloane and her girlfriend, Hurley! They were the sweethearts all throughout my living years of college. Admittedly, I was a little closer to Sloane, but Hurley was nice as well,” Johann babbled as he got lost in his memories. Every word dripped with yearning for a time and family that he could never return to.

Avi stopped his cleaning for a moment to look at Johann. “Wait, _the_ Hurley and Sloane? The Raven and the Ram?” he asked.

“Raven and Ram? What?”

“Oh, right, you wouldn’t know. This happened after you died. They practically pioneered the Battle Wagon Racing industry and became professional racers. They were super popular then and they’re still seen as some of the greatest. I don’t watch Battle Wagon Races often, but they’re cool,” Avi elaborated.

Johann raised an eyebrow. “Weren’t those races illegal?”

“Nah, it was decriminalized by the time they took it up as a profession.”

The news made Johann smile. “They were always adventurous like that. Did they live a good life?” he pressed on. He sounded curious and even a little sad, but the smile never left his face.

Avi tried not to focus on it and bent down to toss Fantasy Costco bags and packaging to the side of their trash bag, “Yeah, lived a pretty good life. Got married, I’m pretty sure they even got kids later on, but they kept their personal life away from their profession. There’s a tree in their honour in Goldcliff, where they lived during their, um, last years.”

“Ah, well… good for them,” Johann mumbled as he threw another light piece of trash into the bag. Another can of beer. “I can’t quite recall any other people I would deem my friends. I had a very… select group of people I would become close to. I was a very private person. I suppose that’s a little obvious to you. I’m not really good at talking about myself.”

“That’s okay. You can take your time. For now, do you want me to ask another question?”

A shrug from Johann. He flung a plastic red cup into the trash. “Go ahead.”

To give himself a break, Avi laid down on his bed and let his legs dangle off. He stared at the ceiling and thought of a question that wouldn’t be too invasive. “Hmm… how did you get into marine life? Or music. Whichever you think you can talk about more.”

“Oh, that’s easy. You see, I used to live a little closer to the mouth of Neverwinter River, by the sea, when I was younger. I don’t think I could forget that distinct smell of the sea and river meeting, even if I wanted to,” Johann laughed, “Of course, I’d see a bunch of creatures there that I had taken a fascination for. That fascination grew when I moved further inland for college. Some sort of homesickness, I guess. I just like how cool animals can get when they’re in the ocean.

“Though it wasn’t my main course of study. That was my music, obviously. My family had very close ties with music, if I can recall correctly. It was only natural that I followed suit. Not saying that I’m only doing it because of my family, I think I’d still pursue it even if they weren’t musicians,” Johann rambled, not even noticing that Avi had now turned to face him with large eyes full of awe. 

Lost in the memories that floated by him, Johann swayed to imaginary music while he looked out the window of Avi’s bedroom. He said, “But I don’t know, playing something and creating music has always felt pretty liberating. Each piece I’ve played is— or, was, at least— memorable. I remember playing a song by the water when I was younger. I think it was the first time that I thought to myself, ‘Man, I want to be remembered for doing this. I love this. I want to die doing this.’” 

The silence that came afterwards was unbearable, but Johann broke it with a sad chuckle. “I don’t think I knew how literal it would turn out,” he tried to make the mood light again.

When that didn’t work out, Johann moved on, “Something about playing my violin… it’s just easier to convey emotions through my music rather than talking, but that sounds sort of dumb when I say it out loud.”

“No, it’s not dumb. Not at all. People just have their own way of communicating,” Avi eventually spoke, pushing himself off the bed to resume cleaning. “Speaking of music— you haven’t played anything in a while. Is everything all right?”

A sigh came from Johann, who still looked out the window. “No,” he shook his head, “not really. I mean, maybe. One, I don’t want you getting in trouble. Two, it’s been a little tiring, just playing gets me exhausted. I tried a few days ago, while you were in class… It’s hard to envision the notes now. It’s a horrifying scenario as a musician. What kind of good violinist forgets the most basic notes?” he grumbled. His hand twitched upwards to the side of his head, but swiftly dropped back down. Avi remembered how he would hit his head, back in the dream. He tried not to think about it.

“You’re still an amazing musician. It’s not your fault you’re forgetting,” Avi reassured. “Even before when I didn’t really believe you existed… your music could still be heard. It was lovely, even if I didn’t think it was you. And hey, you’re still remembered for something, I guess?”

It took a few minutes, but Johann peeled himself away from the window to go back to picking up the remaining trash. “I suppose. I wonder if they’ve noticed I’m gone?”

“...Yeah, people have noticed,” Avi replied, hiding the hesitance in his voice. It wasn’t a _lie,_ really, people noticed. Just the big ghost hunting type people, like Kravitz or Lydia, but even then they eventually stopped talking about it. As if Johann never even existed as a part of the rich, haunted history of Neverwinter College.

Johann didn’t need to know that, did he?

 _No, he doesn’t,_ Avi convinced himself. _Let’s just finish this up._

The clinks and clanks that came from another can being thrown into their trash bag caught Johann’s attention. “There are a lot of cans here. I thought you said you quit and that New Year was your last time?” he pointed out, glancing back at Avi, who had frozen in place.

“Uh… they’re old. Really, when have you seen me buying a pack lately?”

“So if I look in the fridge I’m not going to see anything?”

“Nothing but an ungodly amount of leftovers,” Avi shrugged. _That_ was a lie. He had snuck some in one night, but it’s not like he planned on drinking it all. _It was just a couple, nothing wrong with that._

Though his ears twitched and his eyebrows narrowed, Johann only huffed and looked away. “Hm, guess that’s not too bad. When’s the last time you ate real fresh food?” he asked.

Relieved by the change of subject, Avi exhaled louder than needed. He said, “I don’t know, the day before you taught me magic? Shit rocks, not gonna lie. By the way, are you gonna teach me something new? I wanna create something that’ll do my last months of homework for me.”

“I don’t know of any Do My Homework spell, but I’ll see what I can find,” Johann flashed a smirk, but it dropped quickly when he looked around the room. “Gods, it’s gotten better, but still a few clothes. I didn’t even know you had so many. You’re always wearing the same few outfits. They’re all so baggy, too.” 

“Hey, I just like the options. Even if they’re on the floor.”

Johann rolled his eyes— _gods, he looks so cute when he does that,_ Avi thought— and hovered in a way his face was just inches above the floor. “Yeah, sure. Floor clothes, the best type! Fantasy Costco approved,” he clicked his tongue and examined the clothes nearby him.

As he did, something caught Johann’s eye. An article of clothing crumpled up into a ball under Avi’s bed. The only clothing under there, oddly enough. He reached for it and concentrated hard enough to grab it with both his hands and pull it out. Some dust flew out, but Johann merely swatted it away and straightened out the shirt. “Hey, this looks cute. Is this a jersey? Looks very modern compared to the ones I grew up with, but recognizable. It has your name, were you a part of a te—”

_“Give me that.”_

The speed and force of which Avi yanked the jersey out of Johann’s hands made the latter jump. He let the shirt go without another word, thrown off guard with the harsh tone in Avi’s voice. The warm atmosphere that the setting sun and light banter had created disappeared almost in an instant. The sun had completely dipped past the horizon, twilight settled upon the room, and a sudden hostility filled the air.

“Woah, man, sorry. Was just trying to help,” Johann put his arms up in defense, but he still had a tiny smile on his lips, not taking the sudden shift in the room seriously. “Really though, were you in a team? I think that’s cool. I mean, I’m not one for sports, but you seem to be. What did you play? Is that, like, a football tee or something?”

Only when he looked a little more closely did Johann realize something was wrong. Avi’s hand gripped onto the jersey tightly to the point it started shaking, his knuckles losing their colour. His jaw clenched to bite back any words he would regret saying later. He refused to look up at Johann, his eyes fixated on his faded name on the back of the shirt. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Avi stated, bluntly, his voice shaking as he tried to stop the mess of emotions that festered in his chest. He shoved the jersey into the bottom of his hamper and went back to picking up the rest of the clothes on the floor, now in a quicker, more aggressive manner.

“I, uh, I’m sorry if I made you uncomf—”

“Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about it!” hissed Avi, who slammed the basket onto his bed. “Can we stop? It’s nothing! I just want to clean up.” Though his words fell apart like he was seconds away from crying, he refused to let a single tear fall. 

Though concern shone in his eyes, Johann pushed his luck. As he righted himself and turned away, Johann mumbled, “So I’m expected to share stuff about myself, but you get to sit back and say nothing, huh?”

“ _You_ offered to tell me more about yourself! This is nowhere near comparable!” Avi yelled and slammed a hand on his bedside table. A yelp came from Johann and he clutched his chest the moment he hit the table. Confused by his reaction, Avi looked down at the table. His hand had just grazed past the violin, half of it now threatening to fall off the table. 

With shaky hands, Avi righted the violin to a safer position and looked back at Johann. “Look, I’m sorry for getting so upset. I don’t want to argue with you again,” he apologized. He walked over and reached out to Johann, who still gripped his chest. “Can we just not talk about it? Talk about something else? I’ll tell you something else about myself. Just… not that.” 

“Let’s just hurry up with cleaning,” Johann insisted, but tried to grab onto Avi’s hand. Instead of grabbing his hand, he instead latched onto the sleeve of Avi’s sweatshirt. “But I just want to say I’m sorry for pressing on. I’m trying not to be so argumentative. I really don’t want a repeat of last time.” 

_I’m glad we’re getting better,_ Avi first said to himself, then winced. _No, you weren’t wrong to begin with. I’m the one who made the mistakes._

“No, it’s fine. I just don’t want to talk about that,” said Avi. “It sounds a little dumb, I’ll admit it, and I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

While the argument was small and seemingly nothing, Avi couldn’t help but feel a little proud that they managed to de-escalate the situation a lot better than they would’ve a few months ago. There were subtle hiccups, but the two learned from each other. The small arguments and mishaps they had never built up to the one that hurt them. Avi tried to focus on that more than the fight itself. He didn’t want to think about anything else.

With that sensation of pride in his chest, Avi shifted to where his sleeves covered both of his hands so he could grab onto Johann’s, slowly so Johann could get what he was trying to do, and if he would allow it. There was a look of concentration, then a reluctant nod. Avi took Johann’s hand in his. He enjoyed feeling that weight and warmth in his hands again. He preferred it to the terrible weight of the argument they had.

Johann shrugged, “No, it’s fine. Better than how I reacted when you asked me personal questions back when we first met.” They both laughed— soft, awkward laughs that mingled together to create a harmony that miraculously fit, despite the differences between them. It was hard to believe that was back in September. The months went by so quickly when Avi was with Johann. 

“I guess we should go back to cleaning?” Avi eventually said as he pulled Johann’s hand closer to his chest. “I think we should,” he added, but he did not let go of the hand. He inspected it, every spectral, out of this world particle, the small cracks that weaved between his fingers, all of it he caressed under the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“Yes, I think so. I don’t want to get tired now,” Johann tried to pull his hand away, but not with much force, “Lucas said to put a hold on this.” 

Everything in his body told Avi to keep holding on. It was the only thing keeping him from thinking about what they had just talked about earlier. “I know, but— maybe we can ditch it? Go out on another walk? It’s just, um, I really like this. It’s not like Lucas would know, and so what if he did? This isn’t hurting us— I mean, is it hurting you?”

Though he kept his mouth shut about it, Avi didn’t exactly tell the truth. Being so close to Johann, even with the small barrier of fabric between them, sent a strong current of heat through his scarred arm. It grew in his arm like a pyre, almost becoming unbearable. But why would that matter, when could Avi hold Johann’s hands like he ached to do? Did it matter if it hurt, if it meant he could be so close to Johann?

Avi lied a lot, even to himself. It was hard not to when you got used to it.

“No, it doesn’t hurt. But no walks. Not today. Let’s just finish up and then we can do this, okay? It’s getting late,” Johann promised. The golden light that once covered Avi’s room had disappeared over the horizon, the dark finally taking over. “Really, we can do this another time. I’m really sorry if I bothered you, but please, let’s just focus on the task at hand.”

Avi’s grip grew tighter. His fingers dug into the fabric of his sweatshirt, into the mass of Johann’s hand and his entire body became tense. “Are you okay, Avi?” Johann asked. He sounded fearful, but he did not pull his hand away from Avi. 

“Yeah,” Avi dropped Johann’s hand with a whisper and pulled the sleeves to his upper arm. “I’m fine. Sorry for that.” They pulled away from each other, and before Johann could say anything, Avi turned away and started picking up the last stray clothes and trash. “I’ll wash these tomorrow. I’ll throw the garbage out when I’m done.”

“Okay, okay,” Johann sighed and moved towards his violin. “I think I’m going to rest, now. I’m a little tired.”

“Already?”

“Well, yes. Just a little bit, though. I sort of need to think, too.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

Johann didn’t refute his apology. Avi turned towards the violin and Johann was gone, leaving him alone in his room, cleaning up after the mess he tried to ignore for so long.

  
Sunrise is a different time. While sunset and sunrise look similar in their appearance, there’s a subtle thing that keeps them apart, aside from the time. 

Avi felt it those few times he woke up a little too early, all on his own. His heart raced and his throat felt dry, the remnants of a nightmare fleeing away, but its impacts still scratching at the back of his head. He felt the warmth of the rising sun when he threw himself off his bed and ripped the curtains away from his bedroom window. It caressed Avi’s face, almost lovingly, teasing him with a faux touch that Avi craved for so deeply.

Burning. Avi’s arm was _burning._ Again. The sun’s rays climbed up his scars from his fingertips, his chest, reaching all the way up to his neck. Despite the added warmth agitating his skin, Avi leaned his forehead on the window, staring down at the already bustling streets of Neverwinter. Spring could be an asshole with its earlier sunrise, but Avi couldn’t be any happier to feel Neverwinter’s usual heat opposed to the unusual frigid winter they had gone through. 

How long had he been standing there, letting the sun’s light caress and kiss his upper body? How long did Avi let his eyes shut close, listening to the sound of cars driving by, people chattering on the sidewalk below him, to ground himself? Avi lost track of all of that.

“Are you all right, Avi?”

The sudden voice made Avi jump. Johann stood to his right, their arms so close to each other’s. Avi pulled away and cradled his arm without a second thought. “Gods, Johann, what have we said about this?” he hissed, but eventually broke down into laughter. “You, uh, you really love to keep up that ghost title, huh?”

“I’m being serious. Are you okay?”

“Gonna be honest, not really,” Avi turned away and sped out of his room. Johann trailed right behind him. “My arm burns a lot. I guess that’s why I woke up so early.”

They found their way to the kitchen. Avi slammed the tap on to its coldest setting and stuck his arm under it, sputtering out curses when the water made contact with his skin. The cursing died down into small, pathetic whimpers and cursed the longer they stood there for.

The water was still pouring down his arm when Johann said, “Do you need to go see the guy next door? It looks bad…” 

“No, I think this should be fine,” Avi got out. He kept his arm in the water for a while until his neck and chest felt hot again. Despite his attempts to rub the cold water on the affected parts, he quickly got frustrated and turned off the tap to run to the bathroom. “Actually, I’m just gonna take a shower. I’ll be back soon.”

Johann glanced at Avi as he left, then back at the sink. He looked confused, like he couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening. “Uh… okay? Okay,” he muttered just loud enough for Avi to hear, but quiet enough for him to not care about. After all, he had much bigger problems, like a burning arm.

Avi never enjoyed cold showers. He always took a huge hit to the heating bill of the apartment whenever he took a shower, blasting the water to its hottest setting so he could relax under its searing heat. However, due to their unfortunate incident, Avi had been a little more mindful of the temperature.

When he threw himself into the freezing cold water, Avi sighed and leaned his forehead on the wall. He adjusted the shower head to concentrate almost directly onto his arm and stood still. _Fuck, it’s cold,_ he repeated to himself internally, but did not attempt to change anything. All he wanted was for the burning to go away.

His arm. Avi turned around and leaned his back against the shower instead, bringing up his arm and tracing over the flame-shaped scars with his free hand. He never took the time to really examine them. Hell, it was hard to even look at them. All he wanted to do was cover them up and pretend like they were nothing. Like they didn’t exist, other than the times they would flare up and cause him an unnatural amount of pain.

The scars were a dark colour, and they pulled on his skin tightly. While he got over it quickly from the help of Merle, Avi remembered how hard it had been to move his arm around at first. As his thumb rubbed one of the larger scars, the tissue felt rough and wrinkled, despite the water trickling down on it. It felt odd to touch an area that had once been smooth one day to be so rough and damaged the next. 

Slowly, Avi’s left hand trailed upwards from his arm onto his chest, his fingers never leaving the burned skin. He let his hand rest on the large flame that reached over the right side of his chest. All of it felt rough, twisted and tight. _Like leather,_ Avi thought, but immediately cringed afterwards. The comparison felt weird to make, but it wasn’t too far off. It felt like the scars Magnus had gained over his fair share of scuffles, felt like Killian’s hands if they were not gentle, felt like the rippling of Carey’s scales on a bad day. Those scars felt like the terrifying image of Johann’s last burning moments.

Although each touch of scarred, wet skin struck more fear into his heart, Avi moved his hand upwards to his neck. The scarring still persisted, even threatening to show up on his jawline. He wondered if his friends had noticed it and said nothing, or if his hair and sweatshirts had done a good job of hiding it. _If this doesn’t go away, they’ll find out eventually. I can’t keep hearing jackets and sweaters forever,_ Avi discovered. He could already hear their worried questions, talking over each other with frantic voices and out of control yelling.

Out of fear of his own imagination, Avi dug his nails into the scars of his neck. The action was quick and without a thought, and he instantly pulled his hand away with a loud yelp. It hurt a lot more than Avi expected it to, like a lighter had been jammed into his skin. He looked at his hand for any traces of blood, but nothing showed up. All he could feel was the cold water stinging against his now irritated neck.

 _That’s enough for now,_ Avi told himself. He slammed the shower off, nearly breaking the faucet in the process. His arm had cooled down, that’s all he needed. He stepped out of the shower with wobbly legs, one hand gripped the curtains and the other reached up to his neck again. Avi’s hand was glued to his neck, feeling the rough scars meeting the untouched, smooth skin. How could he tear himself away from something that caused him so much pain?

Pulling a few soft towels over his body, Avi’s body shivered. The icy water finally caught up to him. From flaming hot to freezing cold, Avi sighed and tied one towel around his waist and dried off his long, wet hair with another one. _My hair’s getting long,_ he noticed, if only to distract himself for a little bit. It had been a while since he got it cut, so it got some time to grow, and grow it did. Avi looked at himself in the mirror and saw his long hair pressed against his forehead and his cheeks, ruffled up from his half-hazard drying. 

Avi took one last look at the mirror, pushed aside the towel on his right shoulder to stare at how his injuries travelled from his arm to his chest, then forced himself to look away. He left the bathroom and headed straight for his room to get dressed, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Johann.

Nothing exactly looked wrong about Johann. In fact, he looked as normal as a ghost could get. That’s exactly what made Avi freak out. It was hard to tell if it was because of the way the sun brought light and colour into the living space from the open living room window, but Johann looked too _normal._ He sat on their couch with the Voidfish in his lap playing its sweet song, and his body looked _alive._ Avi could’ve been tricked into thinking that he really was alive, albeit in silly, old-looking clothes, but alive nonetheless. No translucency, Johann looked like a solid half-elf, with gorgeous skin that Avi swore he could reach out and touch.

Oh, how Avi wished it to be true. How he wished that Johann, out of some miracle from nowhere, had somehow come back to life. He wished for Johann to sit there, alive and in the flesh, for them to look and smile at each other, to run at each other and hold one another. Avi wished that he could feel Johann’s skin against his, to fill the ache in his heart and in his body. At that moment, he wished that he could pull Johann close to him, hug him, hold him, feel him, gods, maybe even _kiss_ _him—_

Catching him in the corner of his eye, Johann tore his eyes away from the Voidfish and looked up at Avi. In doing so, he revealed the crack going down his left side, glowing gold in the light of dawn. It was just a subtle shift, but the illusion of any normalcy dropped in an instant upon seeing an injury that Avi himself caused. His translucency came back. The wishes of miraculous life were gone. Avi got his hopes up in such a short amount of time, only for them to instantly get crushed. It was comical, in a cruel way.

“Uh, hey?” Johann piped up. It pulled Avi out of his dazed state. Johann stuttered, “How’s, um, how’s everything? Are you, you know, like, are you feeling better?” His eyes tried focusing on the ceiling, Avi’s eyes, his ears, anything but the towels that draped over him.

Usually, Avi would’ve joked about Johann’s flustered state, but he felt too tired to make those jokes. “I’m… I could be worse, I guess,” he shrugged and sat next to Johann, who straightened his back and stared directly ahead. “But my arm feels a little better,” Avi pushed off the towel around his shoulders to expose his bare chest and to scratch his arm, “Though it does feel a little weird. Numb-ish, but still better.”

“That’s, uh, that’s good to hear. Very, very good to hear. Though I suppose you, uh, could be doing better! If it, erm, if it helps you relax or anything… maybe I could play you something? Just something short, if that’s okay. I’m still trying to… to piece together the notes in my head, so it may not be the best. Just to ease things up,” Johann offered, sheepishly glancing towards Avi.

 _Gods, you’re cute._ Avi wanted to chastise himself for having such thoughts again. They felt strange to have. He still couldn’t quite accept his feelings for Johann, even when he knew what they were. He knew that there was love, though he tried to block the reality of it out. Yet somehow, in the light and warmth of the sunrise, Avi let himself think back to that Valentine’s night, just a month ago. _Has it already been a month? Was our first meeting really in September? Could I really be in love with you?_

“I’d love that, actually. I miss your music,” Avi confessed.

The answer took Johann off guard. He whipped his head around to face Avi fully, his eyes wide and the room heating up. “You, uh, gods— you miss my music? I know we talked about me not playing as much, but I didn’t know you _missed_ my music,” he stated, surprised that Avi would even insinuate that he missed his pieces.

“Of course, Johann, of _course._ Gods, man, I love it when you play! I never wanted to ask you to do it more because I thought it was weird to ask when we were first getting to know each other, then we had _that_ day happen, and like… you know, I missed it. I miss the little show you put on for your birthday. I miss hearing you play while I do my work. I miss seeing how the music would, like, take over. You would get so into it and it was so fun to watch and listen to.”

_You looked so pretty while playing your violin. Pretty? Is that it? Yeah, that’s the word. I think. Is that weird? Am I being weird, thinking like this? Maybe. I guess. But I think that’s okay, in this situation._

“Well,” Johann laughed and placed the Voidfish onto Avi’s lap, albeit not directly looking at said towel-covered lap. “You two can be my audience. I want you to relax, though, so you can get comfortable. Lay down or something. I don’t know, I’m not the boss of you.” Clearing his throat, he added, “You can even go get a change of clothes or whatever. I don’t mind waiting.”

Avi laid himself onto the couch, his head resting on its cushioned arm, one leg dangling off, his arms hugging the plush jellyfish close to his chest. Its fuzzy bell felt like bliss when it came in contact with his scars. Avi stared at Johann with tired, half-lidded eyes filled with a longing that he couldn’t verbalize out loud in that moment, even if he wanted to. And oh, how Avi wanted to.

He wouldn’t admit it to himself, still trying to deny his own feelings while acknowledging they existed, but Avi knew that there was a longing. A yearning. One he couldn’t contain. All of those feelings he tried to stifle for a ghost. For _Johann._

Though he didn’t say a word, Johann got Avi’s memo, and the room got boiling hot. His eyes darted around, from Avi’s exposed abdomen, the coffee table, the window, the ceiling, his chest, his eyes, _stop looking at him, stop looking at him, stop looking—_ Johann finally settled on looking down at his own translucent hands. “Oh, um, okay! Yes, okay, got it, I got it. Just, uh, give me a moment? It takes a little bit of energy, but I really want to do it. I think it’s worth it, especially since you, err… missed me,” Johann stumbled over his words. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Avi whispered, sounding so soft and sweet. Why did he sound like that? It wasn’t normal for him. “Take all the time you need.”

It took a bit of preparation, but Johann floated in the air with the spectral copy of his violin in hand in the end, preparing for his small performance. “Could you summon other objects other than that? Where does it come from?” Avi asked, still staring at Johann with half-closed eyes.

“I don’t… know. And I have tried other things, yes, but that requires actual magic. Like what I showed you when I first taught you magic. This violin, however… it just comes naturally. Sort of a taunt, I guess, a reminder of what kept me trapped in this plane,” Johann explained, his sentence ending a lot more harsh than Avi expected it to.

That harshness disappeared when Johann shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s not the time to act like that though. I’m doing this for you. To make you feel better. I haven’t ruined it yet, have I?”

“No no no, it’s okay,” Avi laughed and waved his hand in dismissal. “Geez, Johann, you worry too much. You’re not usually like this. Okay, that’s actually a lie, you _are_ like this, but you’re usually a little more subtle about it. Is something different? You can tell me, man.”

Johann looked down at Avi. His intact eye filled with such potent guilt that Avi could practically feel it pressing down on his chest. “To make up for last night. And just… in general,” he gestured to Avi’s arm. “Please don’t take it as pity or whatever. That’s absolutely not what this is supposed to be. I just— remember when I said it was easier for me to convey my emotions through my music? That— that’s what I mean. I don’t know how to express this to you in any other way. If I try to verbalize it, it just doesn’t feel as strong as I want it to. 

“I just want you to know how I feel, and I also want you to feel better. Not sure if I’ll achieve that, but I want to try. Just as a little something. Is that still okay?”

 _Yes, of course it is. Of course. Anything you do is okay. More than okay._ The words were at the tip of Avi’s tongue, but he bit them back. There was nothing wrong with those statements, not at all, but Avi couldn’t bring himself to say it. He felt so, so tired. Too tired to admit such things. He closed his eyes, shook his head and hummed, “Yeah, man. I get it. I get it.”

“Good, good… I’m glad you understand.”

A good moment of silence stood between them. Avi wondered if Johann was having second doubts, or trouble of some kind, and he nearly let an eye crack open when he heard the first note. It was tentative, shaky, underwhelming, but it was _something,_ enough to make Avi relax into his couch and hold the Voidfish even closer.

Another bout of silence. “Shit, um…” Johann muttered under his breath. “I’m… I don’t know. I don’t know, Avi, maybe this is a bad idea—”

“No, keep going,” Avi insisted, his eyes still closed. “I know you want to do it. Please don’t be afraid to fuck up in front of me. Gods, we both know how many times I fucked up in front of you. It’s okay, Johann. It’s fine to mess up sometimes. I wouldn’t judge, you know that. I promise. A real promise.”

“I… I believe you, Avi. I believe you,” Johann said. Avi could tell he meant it. 

The sun had risen above the horizon by the time Johann got over his struggles. It took a while of warming up, Avi heard it in the notes that sounded like shrieks and made Johann curse like he never had before. Yet over the course of minutes, perhaps half an hour, something clicked inside of his head. Some fog that once clouded his head lifted from him, because just a second after some screw ups, Johann became lost in his old self. He could see each and every note again, the magic he produced with his pieces returning. Johann could _play_ again, and he played it all for Avi.

Loving. The word to describe the music Johann played was loving _._ Something about the way he played it sounded estranged from the tunes he would play before. Those pieces sang of sorrow and of being lost, terror and yearning of a time long gone. Something about the one Johann made for Avi was different. It was loving. It was kind. It was forgiving. It was asking to _be_ forgiven. It was gentle. It was found. It was warm. It was loving.

Avi peeked an eye open to take one last look at Johann. That expression he missed for so long— Johann becoming so enthralled by his own violin, his eyes closed in bliss, his nose crinkled ever so slightly, his pointed ears high in the air, that tiny but lively smile— Avi yearned to take that face into his hands. It was a yearning that took over him for a moment. His hand moved upwards to reach out for Johann. Avi just wanted to hold him. That’s all he wanted.

His hand dropped. Avi closed his eye and shifted in his couch. He couldn’t. That was a fact. Avi let Johann’s music bring him back to the much-needed sleep he was ripped away from by the nightmare from earlier and a burning arm.

What was that nightmare about again?

Avi could hear the croak of a raven from the nearby open window. It instinctively made Avi shiver, even when he had already delved deeper into sleep. The sound was familiar, locked in a sleepy memory from earlier. That groggy familiarness of a dream that you couldn’t remember, but something sticks out, and it frightens you. You don’t know why. That damned raven croaked again, and Avi flinched and grabbed onto his scatter arm almost protectively, but it wasn’t concerning enough to pull Johann out of his musical trance. When he was sure the bird stopped for good, Avi relaxed again, and let himself drift off.

Ravens can remember individual humanoid faces. A neat fact, is it not?

  
Pitter-patter of rain could be heard from outside. Then a knock at the door. It opened a lot quicker than it should have at 2 A.M.

“Hurting again, eh?” Merle’s voice sounded gruff with exhaustion, but he was nothing but gentle as Avi shuffled into his apartment without a word. He yawned and closed the door behind him. “Just lay down, relax, I’ll get my stuff, you know the drill by this point.”

When Avi sat down, he did so carefully, cradling his arm like it would fracture at any moment. The shirt he hastily put on before coming over stuck to him awkwardly from how much he sweat. Everything felt too hot for once. Too hot for him to even explain to Johann why he had to leave. He sweat too much, it got too hard to breathe, too hard to think. He just knew he needed to get to Merle, and that’s what he did, even if he did stumble into a few walls in the process.

Merle came back with his usual set of tools for when these occasions happened: a large glass of his coldest water and his pink glitter pen. He looked at Avi sitting down and recoiled when he got a closer look at him. “Geez, bud… this time is real bad, ain’t it?” he cringed, his voice filled with pity. He sat down next to Avi and placed the water and Bible on the coffee table in front of them.

At any other point, Avi would have felt insulted at the sheer amount of pity in Merle’s voice. If there was anything he hated with his entire being, it was that pitiful voice that people gave him when he expressed anything bad going on in his life. Just the thought of being pitied would have made him explode, if he had a clearer mind.

However, as he sat on Merle’s worn out couch in the middle of the night, Avi couldn’t afford to be embarrassed, nor could he nod to express that yes, this time was really bad. He only silently brought out his arm towards Merle, his head low and his long hair covering his eyes.

As Merle took the scarred arm in the soft manner he always did, he gasped and pulled away almost immediately. “Pan almighty— you’re burning up, man! Is that everywhere?” he asked and placed his hands on Avi’s forehead, which he also yanked his hand away from. “It’s like you got burnt all over again. I don’t even think you were this hot on the first day, actually. What happened to you?”

“Just please do something,” Avi choked out. He sounded out of breath, struggling to breathe. “Please, Merle, I don't know, I don’t know. Just do anything, please, anything to make this better.” His jaw clenched tightly and his teeth ground together in stress. While he refused to look anywhere but the ground, the way his body trembled with every shallow breath he took, pain was visible in his movements.

The process went as it always did. Merle grabbed Avi’s arm, albeit more hesitantly that time, and would mutter incomprehensible spells that Avi didn’t understand. A rush of cool relief washed over him, but the terrible burning persisted. “It hurts, Merle,” Avi whimpered. His voice cracked in even the smallest sentences, his throat dry and in pain.

“I know it does,” Merle attempted to be reassuring. “I know. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt a lot, actually. It’s okay.” It was safe to say that Avi didn’t feel too assured, but what could he say? All he could do was hiss and sniffle as the waves of cooling magic dwindled into searing heat until another spell was cast, which eventually dwindled as well. It felt like it was never ending.

It took all the spell slots that he had, but eventually Merle moved on to the pen. Though it was difficult to tell in the night’s dark, the pen was running out of ink, evidenced by the fact that Merle kept having to repeat several runes in the same spot. Avi ground his teeth together every time a rune has to be repeated, biting back his urge to yell at Merle to _‘fucking hurry up, it hurts, it really fucking hurts!’_

As Merle continued to patch up his arm to the best of his abilities, something bubbled inside of Avi. It was a strange feeling. Avi always craved the touch of other people, even in times of excruciating pain like his times with Merle, he enjoyed every graze of hands that weren’t even romantic. It always filled a hole in his heart. A hole that seemed bottomless. Always craving more and more and _more._

That’s why the new feeling felt so strange. Instead of the craving Avi had grown to live with, every squeeze Merle gave to keep his arm in place, every scratch of the pen against his skin, even just Merle being close to him, _revulsion_ filled that hole in his chest. It festered inside his chest, growing and nearly choking him from the inside. Avi didn’t want to feel that way, but he kept feeling too much. 

Merle’s hands were too much. The pen, snaking across his arm, creating magic too old for his knowledge was too much. Their breathing, Avi’s included, was too much. So hyper-aware of his arm, Avi felt like the universe was applying an unbearable amount of pressure on his scars. It was all _too much._ He hated it. He hated it and he needed all of it off of him _now._

Against his better judgment, Avi jerked his arm away from Merle. “Get off of me!” he yelled, shielding his arm away from any harm, even if it burned worse when he pulled away.

“Avi, keep it _down_ ,” Merle hissed, “Now give me your arm, I wasn’t finished.” He went to grab the arm himself, but Avi only shook his head and twisted his body to keep his arm away from him. Seeing this, Merle sighed, tucked the pen behind his ear and let his hand drop to his lap. “Pulling away isn’t gonna make this easier for anyone. I am trying to help you right now, and it’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker, but you have to go through it if you want to heal.”

When Avi kept his arm close after the whole spiel, Merle grunted and pushed the glass of cold water towards him. “At least have the drink. You really look like you could need it,” Merle said, his mannerisms becoming more cautious rather than agitated. “It might be a long night, so drink up. I don’t need you passing out on me, even if it might stop you from squirming. Ha! That’s not funny. Sorry for laughing.”

 _Shut up._ Avi didn’t know why he felt the urge to scream that. He had never spoken that way to Merle, nor did he even want to, but those two words clawed at the back of his throat. Those words teared through his cheek and his tongue, thrashing around like wild animals, but he kept his lips shut. Hesitantly, Avi took the glass of water with his free hand, his eyes never leaving Merle, and took a sip to drown out those words. 

“I’m not gonna leap at you, ya know?” Merle chuckled, though worry shone in his eyes. “Really, kid. I’m here to help, and I can’t do that if you don’t give me what’s hurting you. So come on, help me help you. It’ll be over before you know it, just like the other times. Please? I want to help you out.”

There was a waver in Avi’s breathing. He cannot stand the thought of Merle touching him again, not when every brush against his arm felt like separate individual fires being spread across his skin. The thought was repulsive, but Avi stuck his arm out again in an act of desperation, his throat tightening. Every second he held his arm out felt like torture, but Avi knew well enough that he didn’t want to hurt anymore, and that Merle wouldn’t make this any more difficult.

“There there,” Merle took Avi’s arm again, hushing him when he began to squirm under his touch. “Relax, relax. Just try to tough it out. You know that I’m not trying to hurt you. It’s okay.” Merle took the pen from behind his ear and scribbled runes onto Avi’s skin, this time without much pressure. It still made Avi feel like crap, but he took it with a clenched jaw, and kept his eyes shut. 

The time that passed couldn’t be measured. For Avi, it felt like decades, centuries, that he sat and let his arm get decorated to feel better. For Merle, it was only three minutes and seven seconds. But when Merle pulled away on his own and muttered, “Pretty sure this is all I can do,” time came back to Avi. He could breathe better. 

“Did that help at all?” asked Merle. Avi leaned back into the couch and exhaled, his fingers running through his long hair stressfully. Nonetheless, he nodded, but didn’t reply verbally. “That’s good. I was worried it wouldn’t help at all, seeing how this is somehow… worse than usual,” he pointed out. Avi remained quiet.

Just as Avi sat up to leave, Merle spoke up. He said, “Come on, kid, let’s quit with the bullshit. What the hell are you doing that’s getting you all banged up? You expect me to believe that you just got this shit on your own, right after Magnus left? Just be honest, pal. Maybe it’ll help us. Whatever it is, I’ll believe you. I really want to help, I don’t know why you keep thinking otherwise. You can trust me!”

A solid moment. A solid moment, Avi debated telling Merle about Johann, about what was happening. It was so tempting. How could he resist finally letting someone know that Johann existed as a ghost, rather than some college student who is suspiciously unmeetable like he pulled off with Magnus, Killian and Carey? How could he resist having someone close by to talk to about his conflicted feelings? Merle was even a cleric. It was possible he could even help Johann.

Cleric. That’s what reminded Avi. It reminded Avi that he was dealing with a ghost, an actual ghost, that Lucas and his mysterious friends would come to help out with necromancy. Necromancy, a form of magic that was looked down upon. Where there was once hope, Avi doubted that Merle wouldn’t do something unfavourable to Johann, who’s very existence battled the beliefs that the lands of the dead actually did their job _consistently_. Besides, who was Avi to drag Merle into a situation as complicated as his? Would Merle even understand? Would he complicate things? How would he tell Lucas that he told someone else? He could practically hear the disappointed sigh coming from Lucas Miller’s lips.

“I told you,” Avi growled through gritted teeth and glared at Merle, “I. Don’t. _Know._ I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know why I got hurt. Can you stop assuming I’m lying? I’m not the type to lie.” He faced the other way and refused to look at Merle. “I don’t fucking need you questioning me like this when I told you everything I knew. I don’t know a lot of things, man, I don’t— I don’t…”

It came out before Avi could stop it. A strangled sob that cut off his angry words. In a quick action to stop any more from coming out, Avi slapped a hand over his mouth. His eyes were wide and stung with tears he tried so hard to hold back. All he wanted to do was leave and pretend like the night never happened. “I gotta—” Avi held back a sniff— “I gotta go.” Though he did not move from his place on the couch.

“Avi.” Merle sounded quiet, soft and caring. It was so strange to hear it coming from Merle. He shifted closer to Avi and elbowed his side as gently as he could. “I didn’t mean to doubt you like that. Come on, kid, look at me,” he insisted. Merle gave off a voice that Avi would sometimes hear during the weekends or the holidays, a voice he gave to his two children. A parental voice. It made Avi cave in more easily than he would’ve in any other situation.

His eyes had grown wet. The tears Avi held back stung and made his vision blurry, but he couldn’t let any fall, he _couldn’t—_

“C’mere, Vee. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” Merle reassured. He opened his arms just subtly enough for Avi to catch it, but not large enough to look like a demand. A silent offer that came with a tired, old smile. “Whatever’s causing this… It’s gonna get better. For now, though, you can stay awhile.”

Avi thought about it all. He thought about his pained arm, the topic that Avi struck down that evening he was cleaning, his feelings for Johann, the sinking fear of _oh my gods Johann might not make it,_ how he even got into this whole mess just from a stupid _dare_ by Magnus. Avi stared into Merle’s parted arms, and his crave to be held overran his initial disdain to being touched. The crave came back so strongly that Avi dove into Merle’s arms and hid his face into his shoulder. Although their height difference made the position uncomfortable, Avi needed to be held, and that’s all.

Merle had a warm smile, even if Avi couldn’t see it. He held Avi as close to him as possible and gave him a few friendly pats on the back. Doing so, Merle felt the jitters in Avi’s back, shaking from how he continued to bottle something up. “It’s all right,” he whispered. “You can let it out. I won’t judge ya. I’m the last one to judge. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

That’s what did it. It didn’t even take a minute for Avi’s grip to tighten on Merle’s pyjama shirt. His chest heaved and his sobs were quiet and pitiful, but Merle did not move. They sat in the darkness of early morning, the noiseless flashes of lightning being their only source of light. Avi cried. And he cried a lot.

  
Johann stared at him when he returned to their apartment right after noon, but Avi didn’t say anything. “Good afternoon, Avi,” Johann started off easy. “Are you… where were you?” he asked. He watched as Avi collapsed onto his couch, his head in his hands and his hands tangled in his hair.

The question was strange, but Avi remembered that he left in a hurry. He didn’t even tell Johann why he left or where he went. _I would’ve thought he’d connect the dots,_ Avi wondered, but kept that thought to himself. _It’s not anything big. Maybe he’s just trying to strike a conversation. I sure wouldn’t know how to start one._

“Merle’s. You know, to patch up this asshole,” Avi groaned and lifted up his scarred arm to show it off, which had gotten to a bearable amount of pain in the hours that had passed since he went to Merle initially. Placing it back down on his chest, he breathed out, “It was pretty bad last night, but nothing the old man couldn’t handle. I’m feeling a little better now, but… I just need to rest for today. Just resting up. I’ll be fine.”

“That’s… good.” Johann’s words are hesitant. Extremely hesitant for only two words. He moved closer to Avi and knelt next to him, his eyes fixated on that arm. “I’m, uh, glad he could help… you. With this.”

Avi shrugged and glanced at Johann’s face. _Why is he acting like this?_ he questioned. “Uh… yeah. I’m glad he could as well,” he muttered. He analyzed Johann’s face, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. _Was that always on his nose?_ A new crack branched out from Johann’s once vertical-only line— from his eye to the bridge of his nose. _It wasn’t there. Is it the lighting?_ He hoped it was the lighting. He knew it wasn’t the lighting.

“I have a question, Avi,” Johann muttered in a monotonous tone. “I’m sorry if it comes off as rude, but I— I just have to know.”

 _What the hell are you saying?_ Avi scrunched up his nose. “Shoot, then,” he replied, albeit reluctantly. As his focus slid from the cracks along Johann’s face to his eyes, Avi noticed something. He noticed genuine worry and _confusion_ in Johann’s eyes, which continued to stare at his arm. A lost look that he might have given during their earlier months. A chill went down Avi’s spine, despite the warmth of spring and Johann. He could practically hear Johann’s question before it even left his mouth,

“What… What happened to your arm? Who did that to you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a callout post for the johavi discord. a while ago you guys were talking abt how messy Avi n Johann’s rooms would be JUST after I finished that scene where they were cleaning and it scared the ABSOLUTE SHIT out of me. like it GENUINELY terrified me I thought I was being spied on. how dare you /j  
> jokes aside. hope this was good! tchau :)


	9. i will not ask you were you came from

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April is a painfully honest month. Avi plays Minecraft. Magnus barges in. Johann and Avi have a little chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo what’s up everyone. im not gonna lie my dudes this chapter is just a little sadder than the rest (so far.) this chapter also alludes to suicide and depression, but neither are mentioned in name, so please be mindful of that! take care of urselves first :]

There was an unnerving silence when Avi played Minecraft again. Nothing but the gentle patter of rain that hit his living room window, and the in-game sounds of walking on new terrain. That was strange. Usually, Minecraft’s soundtrack would fill the room with its soft tunes, the sounds of multitudes of blocks upon blocks as Avi created structures in the evening. That was what usually happened. 

Instead, it was all different. Though the dark clouds of rain hid the sky, it was noon. On a day Avi should have been in class. The music was turned off. Avi played in survival mode rather than his usual creative mode. There were no pretty structures, no expertly crafted cottages. A fresh survival world devoid of song.

Johann caught on to the change almost immediately. Avi sat tensely in an oversized hoodie, his jaw clenched uncomfortably, but he looked distant. His eyes seemed detached from his game, as if he were thinking about something else while he gave his hands something to do rather than being too invested. 

“What’s with the hearts? I haven’t seen those before,” Johann pointed out. His voice made Avi jump in his place on the couch. They hadn’t talked much since Johann asked that certain question a few days before. Hearing his voice came as a surprise to Avi. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class? I thought your exams were coming up,” Johann asked. He sounded tired, but his words were filled with concern. 

“I just need a day off. My arm still hurts from a couple days ago. Don’t worry, I’ll get back tomorrow,” Avi sighed. His words were choppy and short, like he was itching to stop the conversation. Avi couldn’t even crack a fake smile to relieve Johann’s worries. All he could do was slump on the couch, biting his lip as he tried to play his game.

“That’s one question out of the way. What’s with the hearts? Where are your blocks?”

“Oh, uh, I’m not playing creative. Just survival mode this time.”

The answer took Johann aback. He took a seat next to Avi, the Voidfish in his arms, looking quizzically at the hands that held the controller. “What do you do in survival mode? What is there to survive from?”

“I— Are you being serious? I swear we’ve talked about this. I rambled on for, like, an hour about the different types of mobs there’s in this game. Well, you _looked_ like you were listening,” Avi hissed in an almost accusatory tone. 

Johann looked confused at his sudden outburst, but Avi continued, “You said you really liked how the endermen looked. At least I know I can listen. Honestly, man, do you not remem…?” The sentence slowed to a stop as he remembered. Ironic, how he forgot about Johann’s own forgetfulness. The words that didn’t leave his mouth sat on his tongue, tasting more rotten the longer the silence stretched on. 

The conversation was not even too long ago. Only a couple days ago, at the end of March, Johann asked that question. Their talk was etched into Avi’s head, even if he tried to not think about it too much.

_What do you mean, ‘who did it?’ Y— you did!_

_I… I did?_

_Yes! Yes, you did! Come on, Johann. You… you admitted to it, you apologized for it!_

_I did? When? When did this happen? Are you feeling okay?_

_I’m… no! You caused this. After I left you… I left you behind at Taako’s party. You got mad, rightfully of course, and you— you did this! Don’t you remember the party? It’s how you got that crack on your face!_

_Yes. Yes, I remember_ that _, but not… I don’t remember hurting you. I don’t remember anything about the days after that. I don’t remember, Avi. Why can’t I remember?_

A shiver twitched down Avi’s spine when he returned to reality. “Uh, never mind. There’re just monsters in this game. They’re only violent in survival. I’m playing survival mode this time. Trying to beat the Ender Dragon. That’s… that’s all, Jo,” Avi said and focused his sight on the tv in front of him. _Why did I say all that? I don’t talk to anyone like that,_ he wondered. A pit of regret tore at him. _That was embarrassing. It’s not his fault._

“I did it again, didn’t I?” Johann whispered out. Avi glanced around him out of the corner of his eye and saw a ghost with pained eyes and a lip that quivered. His phantasmal hands clutched the bell of the Voidfish so tightly it played it’s sweet song of _Sweden,_ filling the room that was once without music. “I— I forgot something else, Avi… I forgot another thing, didn’t I? Actually, you don’t have to tell me. I know I did. Gods, Avi, I’m sorry. I’m, fuck, I didn’t—”

Avi moved a hand upwards to stop Johann from talking. He didn’t catch how Johann flinched when he did that. “It’s okay, Johann. It’s just… it’s just a game. It’s a simple thing to forget, really! I shouldn’t have made it into a big deal. I don’t know why I said that. There’s, um, there’s nothing to be upset about. It’s fine,” he reassured, although with an edge in his voice. He continued with his game as he spoke, his hands tight on the controller, like the game itself was the only thing keeping him composed. “It’s… it’s fine. It’s nothing. Please don’t stress yourself out about it.”

“Still, I feel bad about it. I really should get better at th—”

Avi interrupted and shouted, “I said it’s _fine,_ okay? Let’s leave it at that!”

There was no response for a moment, just the sound of the Voidfish’s tune and the quiet breaking of blocks. “I… okay. Okay,” Johann muttered. _I’m sorry,_ Avi wanted to apologize, but something held him back. Maybe it was spite, maybe it was embarrassment, but Avi couldn’t bring himself to say those two words to Johann. 

Heat covered Avi’s arm, and he knew that Johann had shifted closer to him without having to look over. That didn’t bother him, though. While the weather grew warmer and damper in early April, Avi found that the heat that came from his friend held something different to it. Familiar, almost magical. It was comfortable and so distinctly Johann. Even if it was uncomfortable during the hotter days, Avi still found appreciation in it. It was the same warmth that kept him warm in the winter, and warm in his heart. It made him relax, less tense than he was before.

They remained silent for a while. It reminded Avi of their earlier days, where they would revel in the same room with each other, neither of them speaking, but both acutely aware of each other’s presence. Avi was aware of the lack of breathing from Johann. He learned to deal with it over the months, but as he became closer with Johann, Avi couldn’t help but notice how conscious it made him of his own breathing. 

Inhale, exhale. The same pattern over and over again. One of the most important things keeping him alive. Over and over until it was his time. Why did it make him so frustrated?

Why was it so tiring? 

Around the time Avi set up a small house, nowhere near as grand as the ones he would build in creative, Johann spoke up. “What about your path?” His question was strained. It sounded like he was fighting to even get the words out of his mouth just to make conversation.

“Uh, what?”

“You know. I, uh, I remember a certain conversation we had, back when I was first getting used to living here. You were first introducing me to Minecraft. I remember that so clearly, you said, ‘I was told that I can make my own path.’ It was in response to me criticizing the game for having no set goal or reward. I always thought… I always thought that’s why you just created things. Never played in this mode. What happened to that? What happened to your path? Is something different or did I just read too much into it?” Johann laughed at the end of his sentence, but it came out as hollow-sounding. “You can be honest. Sometimes I just examine a little too hard on the wrong things.”

What could Avi say about that? What could he say about some conversation that they had months ago, what Avi once thought was insignificant? A conversation from months ago that Johann remembered more than when he burned the skin off Avi’s arm and chest? What was he supposed to say?

“I, um… I guess I’m just playing it safe. Playing into a common goal. As… a break, I suppose. I can only create so much before I need to take a break,” Avi mumbled a little more calmly, sincerity interwoven in his words. “It’s not like I’m quitting creative mode forever, y’know? I just… I’m allowed to play survival for a bit. Play it safe. Beat the Dragon.” As he spoke, he became less and less sure if they were actually talking about Minecraft. “It’s just a game, though,” he added to make sure.

Johann hummed, “Yes… of course. It’s just a game. You’re right.” They both knew they weren’t really talking about Minecraft. 

The Voidfish’s song continued to play. Repeating its song over and over again. Avi didn’t find it irritating. It sounded better than the in-game music, somehow. “It’s actually been a while since I’ve played in survival or attempted to beat the Dragon. It’s never really been my favourite part of the game? I’m not that great at fighting in this game. But… I try. I guess I just like the achievements,” Avi rambled on, wondering if Johann would catch on to what he meant.

“Well, I’ve never quite played the full game properly due to, uh… you know,” they both let out an uncomfortable chuckle at that until Johann continued, “but again, I don’t see why you’d be so keen on achievements. They’re not quite rewards or goals, right? They’re not a part of your path?”

“Not really. I don’t— I don’t usually go for them, but when I’m not feeling so creative, they just make me feel like I’m actually doing something.” Avi wondered why they were dancing around the subject for so long. He wondered why they were using some silly block game as a placeholder instead of being honest. _Just ask me how I’m doing. Ask me what I’m doing with my life. Ask me if I’m fucking sick or something, I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking. Just ask me. Ask me, ask me, ask me. Why won’t you just ask me? Maybe I won’t react in the best way, like last time, but it’d be better than this, right?_

His silent pleading went unanswered. Johann only tightened his grip on the Voidfish. His fingers dug into the soft plush so tightly that a few of them phased into it. “Small, little goals, yes. I get it,” muttered Johann as he adjusted his hands. 

“Again, like you said, they’re not really ‘goals.’ You just get them when you do the most basic stuff in the game. It’s like… calling ‘breathing’ a goal. You breathe at some point in your life, it’s not like it’s a goal of yours.”

“I mean, it currently _is_ a goal for me to breathe.”

“I— I guess it is,” he giggled, even if it was muted and quick. “But, but you know what I mean. You did breathe at some point in your _living_ life. You get me?”

A snicker came from Johann as well. It came out as a low rumbling sound, almost like a purr. Avi learned new things about his laugh every time it happened and he managed to catch it. It was one of the many perks of hearing that lovely sound. “Yeah, I get you,” Johann said, when he shifted even closer to Avi. He was sure that if he had a corporeal body, Johann would have been pressed against his arm, so close they were.

“How are you feeling, Johann?” Avi questioned, if only to fill the silence he could feel creeping up on them. After catching Johann’s raised brow, he elaborated, “Like, I know forgetting things isn’t great, and yes I plan on calling Lucas soon, but are you feeling differently in any other way? I’d lie and say it’s just for telling Lucas, but that would be just that, a lie. I _am_ worried about you, and I want to know how you’re feeling. Genuinely. You know that, right?”

“I sure hoped you worried,” Johann let out a nervous laugh, “I had my hopes you would worry, at least. I don’t want to sound conceited, but from the time we have spent together, I think it’s safe to say that we... care for each other. And I know that. You care about me, I care about you. I don’t think I’m jumping to conclusions with that statement, am I?”

“No, definitely not. I do… I do care about you.” That word again. _Care._ There was nothing wrong about that word. It was the correct word to describe that Johann mattered to him. However, what he knew now that he didn’t know before was that ‘care’ was such a smaller term to describe how he felt. _Care_ did not hold the same weight as _love_ did.

Avi knew that. He had stopped trying to shut it down. _I_ really _am in love with Johann,_ he thought. Such a strange thing for Avi to re-establish to himself when playing Minecraft, ignoring the terrible problems weighing on his shoulders. He came to that conclusion every other day, one might think the conclusion would have already settled in his head. However, it still sat with uncertainty. It’s not a simple thing to admit, that you’re in love with a ghost. A ghost that slowly fell apart right in front of him. So he rethought that possibility, over and over and over again. What else could he do? 

Upon realizing they fell back into being quiet, Avi paused his game and turned to Johann, “You still didn’t answer my question. Are you okay? I told you, I’d do anything for you. You can tell me how you’re feeling. I’m sorry if I don’t exactly feel like I’m really here this morning, but that has nothing to do with you.”

“Okay, since we’re being especially honest today… no, I don’t feel too great. Everything feels so, I don’t know, muted? I’m not sure how to describe it. I wouldn’t say numb, per se, I still feel everything around me, but it’s muffled, somehow? My thoughts all feel like they’re being smothered by some fog or smoke. It’s— it’s frustrating. I can’t feel or think anything correctly,” Johann vented. He stared down at the Voidfish with a weak attempt to glare at it, but it looked empty of any malice. “But aside from that, I’m fine. I don’t feel physically hurt, just… blurry.”

“Did this start today? A few days ago? Do you know why or how it started?” Avi pressed on. The hostile attitude he gave off disappeared instantly when Johann told him about his problems, instead replaced with a nervous wreck. 

Johann thumbed the bell of the plush, trying to recall when it had started. “Late last night. I don’t know why or how. I was just— I was thinking of something, something so stupid and small, and it just hit me like that. Like a huge crashing wave of smoke out of nowhere. It was a lot stronger when it hit, it was the first time since I died that I felt like I was choking,” he explained, though his voice quivered. He fought to hide his fearful tone, but Avi noticed.

“What were you thinking about? It— it might’ve caused this to happen, somehow? Maybe it just tired you out. What was it?” Avi’s questions were quick and messy, but he didn’t seem too concerned about it. “Like, um, you know how holding things makes you tired? Maybe just thinking about this thing made you tired! I… I think? Maybe that’s dumb, but it’s the only thing I can think of.”

At first, Johann looked hesitant in speaking. Well, as hesitant as someone with involuntarily repressed emotions can look. “I, um… I can’t recall…” Johann tried to lie at first. However, upon seeing Avi’s anxious face, he sighed and faced the other direction. “Sorry, that’s incorrect. We’re being truthful here. Being completely honest, I was… thinking about you. That— that sounds weird, but I was thinking about you, I was thinking about what would happen if I actually came back, I was thinking about how I would live with you, like, _really_ live… and I… I guess something in that train of thought overwhelmed me, because I started freaking out, and then I couldn’t think properly after that.”

“Oh, okay! Um, it definitely sounds like being overwhelmed… did _something_ to you. I’ll bring that up with Lucas as soon as I can. Gods, Johann, I’m, uh, I’m so sorry that this is happening,” Avi apologized. “I’m sorry for acting like I did just before this. I, I really shouldn’t have been so wrapped up in my own shit, not when you’re obviously dealing with something so much worse than whatever dumb shit I was worrying ab—”

The feeling of a soft plush being thrown at his chest interrupted Avi from his spiralling. “Again with the needless apologies. You are stressed, I can tell that much, don’t feel bad for reacting to stress. It’s not like you would’ve known or whatever. I didn’t tell you,” Johann grumbled and he stared at the ground. He did not dare to make eye contact with Avi. 

_Of course. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry for acting like this,_ Avi thought. The words built up in his throat, but he swallowed it dry. “Uh, all right… I’ll still try to keep how you’re feeling in mind though. It’s the least I can do,” he sighed and handed Johann the Voidfish. Their fingers phased through each other as Johann focused hard enough to grip onto the jellyfish. The sensation sent a pang through Avi’s chest, that familiar urge to throw his arms around Johann and feel skin against skin. It almost sent him barreling into Johann’s chest the way he did with Merle, but he held himself back, and eventually Johann pulled away with the Voidfish in his arms again.

Although that minor contact sent Avi reeling, Johann couldn’t care less. He just set the toy on his lap and gazed at it, his eyes glossier than usual. _Or have they always been like that?_ Avi doubted himself at first, to give himself some false comfort, but he knew that wasn’t right. He stared at Johann’s eyes long enough to know what they looked like. _What a sad thing to know,_ he told himself.

Avi tugged the sleeve of his sweater down to cover his hand and reached to touch Johann. “Jo, please, can we talk a little mo—”

Where Avi expected his hand to touch Johann’s shoulder, it just kept going. His hand phased right through his body and Avi swiftly pulled it away, visibly confused and scared. “It takes _my_ energy to allow you to touch me. _I_ choose when it happens. Right now I don’t want you doing that,” Johann stated, his eyes fixated on the plush. Although he tried to hide it, his voice wavered ever so slightly. He was exhausted.

“Oh… okay.”

The white noise of rain behind them grew louder, and for a moment, they sat there and listened to it. Avi quietly unpaused his game and resumed playing. Johann refused to even look up from the Voidfish until Avi turned on the in-game music to drown out the silence that was louder than the rain. 

  
“Oh, no you don’t! Don’t think I don’t see you trying to sneak away, Avi.”

_Damn it,_ Avi grumbled and turned back to Magnus, who flashed his signature big smile. The surrounding air was hot and damp, the ground still wet from the on-and-off rain of that day. The hoodie Avi wore clung to him uncomfortably and made him hotter than he should’ve been and irritated his skin. He wanted nothing more than to go to his apartment and talk to Johann, but all he could do was put on a fake smile when Magnus ran up to catch up with him.

“Come on, dude, why do you always book it as soon as class ends? Why don’t you come by my place, we can hang out or something? We’ve been doing that less and less,” Magnus pouted and wrapped an arm around Avi’s shoulders. Whether it was just a friendly gesture or if it was an attempt to keep him there, Avi couldn’t tell, but the touch sent that familiar buzz through his entire body.

“I’m, y’know, busy. Studying…” Avi attempted to pull Magnus’ hand off of him to walk away, but Magnus only pulled him closer.

“Studying? When did you start studying? Where’d that high school Avi charm go, huh?” 

Embarrassment darkened Avi’s cheeks, but annoyance pulled his fake smile into a visible sneer. _High school, high school, high school. That’s all you people ever bring up around me._ He knew that it was just a joke, something that shouldn’t have been taken seriously, but something about it made his blood boil. _You’re still stuck in high school. I’m the one who is trying to move on._

“Oh, shut up,” he laughed, but it came out forced and harsh. “That shit was before I decided to get into mechanical engineering. Which, if you couldn’t guess, kind of needs a _lot_ of attention when studying?” _Yeah, playing Minecraft while looking sad all day is definitely helping with your studies,_ Avi could practically hear Johann speak. He shook away the thought and focused on Magnus. “And the school year is almost over, I can’t afford another senior year,” he said, getting uncharacteristically passive aggressive at the ending sentence.

Magnus must have caught it, because his bright grin fell into a more awkward half-smile. “Uh, yeah. Senior year. Can’t have that again! I get it, man, I get it,” he nodded, but that nervous strain to his voice never left. “Okay, maybe not the _best_ way to put it, but you could study at my place! It’s warming up a lot more, so I thought… it’d be a good time to hang out with you? I mean, we only ever see each other when we work out with the girls, which isn’t bad, but we rarely just hang out and relax. I was just wondering if we could just have a bro day! Just the two of us. Maybe Taako, but he doesn’t have to. I know you get a little stressed when other people are around. Especially since the last time I invited you somewhere, shit went up in flames.” 

As Magnus spoke, the hand that rested on Avi’s shoulder moved to mindlessly play with his ponytail. The action sent another shock through Avi’s chest, a shiver that travelled down his spine and made his face hotter. “Heh, yeah, I guess… it did, didn’t it?” he breathed out. The longer Magnus toyed with his hair, the more aware Avi was that they still stood in the middle of campus, with so many people bustling about. “But really Magnus, I— I should be going home. I like to study at my place.”

“Then I’ll come over!”

_No!_ Avi held back his frustrated thoughts from leaving his mouth. _No, just leave me alone! I just want to go home. Why do you have to follow me now?_ Instead of any of those words, Avi’s fake smile only tightened, “Oh, uh… are you sure? It’s not like I’m gonna do much, it’s just my apartment. Really, I’m not sure if you wanna—”

The tightening of Magnus’s grip on his shoulder got Avi to shut up. He led them towards the bus station that Avi usually took to his apartment, though the tension that came between them was thick. “Why do I get the feeling you just don’t want to hang out with us anymore?” Magnus questioned through gritted teeth. “Please, Avi, tell me what’s up. First you flat out avoided everyone when high school ended, then when you start actually hanging out with us again, you immediately try to hurry off. You’re even skipping a whole day. You don’t do that unless something’s really wrong, and you don’t exactly look sick. What the hell is going on? You said you were getting better, dude.”

The words came from a place of worry, Avi knew that, but he ground his teeth together in stress. “All— all right. You can come to my place,” he murmured.

“Are you going to answer my question?”

“When we get to my place! Do you want to come or not?” 

Avi shook Magnus’ arm off his shoulder and sped into the bus, not even looking back to see him clumsily follow suit. “Okay, okay! Slow down!” he called after Avi and slipped into the bus doors at the last second. “Shit, dude, you walk faster than I can run. You know, that’s always been, like, one of your strengths. You’re fast! That’s one thing that’s stuck with you,” Magnus joked to lighten the mood. Avi didn’t seem to listen, as he shoved one hand into the pocket of his hoodie while the other held on to a nearby pole, and his glare never left Magnus. 

The ride there was awkward. That didn’t need to be explained. Magnus tried to make small talk along the way, and Avi eventually gave in and replied, but begrudgingly. He was still bitter of the fact that he would have to bring company, and Avi had never been too good at acting. 

_Please don’t kill me for this, Johann,_ Avi pleaded the closer they got to his apartment. Even when they stood at the front of his door, Avi begged for Johann’s forgiveness in advance. He had been meaning to apologize to Johann, to make up for the foul attitude he had given off when they talked, but instead he brought in Magnus and was in an even worse mood than the day before. _What a terrible apology._

“Again, uh, thanks for letting me come with you!” Magnus said. _Not like I had much of a choice._ Avi didn’t say that, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

As they entered the apartment, Magnus scrunched up his nose and wiped his forehead of sweat that was already beading. “You got air conditioning, right? It’s getting hotter, Avi, it’s not winter anymore. You don’t have to live in this heat, you know,” he commented, but tried not to look too bothered by it. 

“Is it hot? Doesn’t feel that way to me,” Avi shrugged and walked inside, pulling off his shoes but keeping his hoodie. While the apartment didn’t actually feel too hot to him normally, Avi knew that it would eventually hit him with the added hoodie, but what else could he do? He didn’t feel comfortable telling Magnus about the marks on his arm, nor did he even have a proper coverup story, so he kept it on.

Magnus only hummed in response. He took a quick look around the apartment, though Avi couldn’t be sure of why. _You’ve been here a hundred times, what are you looking for?_ Avi almost asked aloud, but just as he opened his mouth, movement caught the corner of his eye, from the door to his bedroom. Johann poked his head straight through the door, his eyes shifted from Magnus to Avi back and forth. The scene felt almost comical.

_What are you doing in my room? You hardly go in there,_ Avi noticed. He also noticed how Johann stared at Magnus in such a strange way. The emotion in Johann’s eyes were hard to pin down, as his eyes were cloudier than normal, but the way his eyebrows furrowed and his lips twitched into a frown showed he was anything but pleased to see Magnus. “You brought your friend, I see,” Johann spat. The hatred in his voice nearly took Avi aback. “Good. Cool. I’ll just… stay quiet, I guess. It’s not like he can see me. And you’re not gonna talk to me. That’s fine. Would’ve enjoyed a warning, that’s all.”

Avi wanted nothing more than to reply, but he pressed his lips together tightly. “Yo, Avi, can I open the window?” Magnus asked. 

“Sure, go ahead. You want a drink or something?”

“Yeah, why not? What do you have?”

“The… usual,” Avi shrugged as he slid his way into the kitchen, unable to push away that uneasy anger Johann gave off. 

_Why is he so upset? It’s not like I wanted him over either. And it’s not like I could tell him. He’s not usually this upset, either. Though it has been a long time since I’ve brought Magnus over. Last time Johann saw him, Magnus was bringing him back from the party…_

His thoughts were interrupted when Magnus called out, “Then I’ll have _my_ usual! We usually just have the same thing, right? It’s been a few weeks, I can’t remember.” Avi rolled his eyes at the tone in Magnus’s voice at the last sentence. _I get it, man. We haven’t met up one-on-one in a while. Why do we have to be so passive aggressive?_

A couple of beers in hand, Avi walked back to his living room and tossed Magnus a can, which he caught with ease. “Oh, fun! _That’s_ your usual. You know… something you promised wouldn’t be in the fridge that day we cleaned, hm?” Johann noted. He floated just above Magnus, close enough that it made the latter open the can and chug the drink in an attempt to cool off.

_Fuck, I forgot about that,_ Avi winced and tried to give a sympathetic look to Johann, who only scoffed upon seeing it. The heightened tension in the apartment was insufferable, all three men uncomfortable in each other’s presence, even if one didn’t know about the existence of the other. Avi sat next to Magnus and turned on the tv to some random channel, just to fill in any silence. “So, uh, you wanted to talk?” Avi piped up. 

“Right. About that… Look, Avi, I’ve just been worried for you.” _Again._ That word wasn’t in Magnus’s sentence, but Avi knew he wanted to say that word. “You’ve just been getting distant. I just wanted to check up on you, make sure everything’s okay?”

A sense of déjà vu washed over Avi. _We’re back to square one, huh?_ The day Magnus first came over in worry of his health, the day he lied and cried into his touch. _I’m not doing that again. I’m fine,_ he told himself. “I, I get what you mean? But, like, I already told you. I’ve just been… I’ve just been busy. I’m sorry that you think it’s because I’m avoiding you, because it’s totally not intentional. I don’t know how I can explain that to you in a way that’ll make you believe me.”

“I don’t know— telling us? Not running away when we even try to _ask_?”

“Okay, yeah, that part’s on me… but really, I mean it when I say I’m fine. Just… stressed? Busy and stressed out about it. That’s all, but I can deal with it just fine on my own.”

That wasn’t a total lie, either. Avi _was_ stressed, more than he had ever been in his entire life. How couldn’t he be stressed, when the one he loved so much was slowly forgetting major events that they had gone through together? Except he wasn’t exactly dealing with it well. He felt lost and confused, pained both physically and mentally. His thoughts were everywhere. 

At first, Avi thought they would leave it at that. That their conversation ended there and that they would study together like they planned to, or maybe even ditch it and just play some video game he had. He stood to go grab his laptop, but Magnus’s hand gripped his and kept Avi in his place. “Can we be… honest? I mean it, man. You’re not doing well, can you please just tell me what’s going on?”

“I already told you! Why are you insisting that something’s wrong with me?”

“Take off your hoodie.”

Four words. Four words knocked the wind out of Avi’s lungs. “I— what does that have to do with anything? Come on, I thought we were above asking the other to strip in the middle of a conversation,” he said, trying to pull it off as a joke. 

Magnus, however, was not amused. He let go of Avi and set his drink aside, but his hand hovered a little, like he was waiting once again to grab him if he dared to move. “You know what I mean. Take off your hoodie. Just do that _one_ thing for me. It’s just a hoodie, isn’t it? Just a hoodie. After all, it’s pretty hot. So, take it off.”

The scars along his arm flare up in a split-second, like they were alive with flames once again, before subsiding before Avi can even cringe in pain. It only registered in his brain when he felt his chest and arm tingle strangely, as if they had fallen asleep.

Only then did Avi remember Johann, and his sight flickered to behind Magnus where he floated. Johann glared down at Magnus with such an ironically icy glint in his eyes. His lips were twisted into a snarl so large, the little fangs Avi would usually gush about at any other moment looked terrifyingly large. He almost didn’t notice how Johann’s hands were lifted so subtly, twitched in a way that itched to grab onto Magnus. Johann had never looked more like a ghost than in that moment. A ghost so ready to grab onto the living. They locked eyes with each other for a moment, and when Avi furrowed his eyebrows, Johann got the message. _Stand down._

“Avi? Are you listening to me?” Magnus questioned. Exasperation bled through his words, no matter how much he tried to sugarcoat them with excessive worry. It snapped Avi’s attention back onto him with a visible, hurt wince. Upon seeing that, Magnus softened his words, “Take it off. Or don’t. Just tell me.”

Hesitantly, Avi mouthed, “I can’t,” and turned away to face the floor. The words didn’t leave his mouth, he couldn’t do that, but Magnus picked up on it and grew quiet. That horrible, pitiful quiet. One so impenetrable that the white noise from the tv he turned on couldn’t do anything. 

“I’m not… I’m not gonna demand you to show me, but you know that I kind of _have_ to worry about you now, right?”

“You don’t ‘have’ to do anything.”

“Dude, please. I’m really just trying to help.”

“I don’t want— I don’t _need_ any! You’re making problems where there are none,” Avi snapped. He took a sip from the can he still had in his hand, but the burn of alcohol at the back of his throat wasn’t there, and the taste was like bile in his mouth. 

_I thought you just wanted to hang out. I don’t like this. This isn’t fun. Can we stop now? Can we pretend it never happened?_ Avi sighed and placed the drink on the coffee table, just so he could bury his face into his empty hands to hide his face. He knew that wouldn’t be the case, even before Magnus spoke up. 

The large, comforting hand on Avi’s shoulder sent another familiar sting throughout his system. _I hate it,_ Avi cursed internally. _Why do I feel this way every time anyone just_ touches _me? When did this start happening? Why? Why do I feel this way no matter how out of place it is?_

Magnus’s tone was soft as he spoke, even with the humiliating amount of pity that came with it. “Avi… have you thought about, I don’t know, talking to someone?” he asked. It was a simple question, one that any worried friend would ask in this type of situation, but it made Avi tense up. Something kicked in his chest. It was small and cold, but it grew and grew until it was a searing hot mass, thrashing around to get out.

“Hah… what?” Avi responded. He pushed down that terrible heat in his chest, hoping Magnus wasn’t offering what he thought he was offering. As he pulled his head out of his hands, Avi noticed Johann again. The temperature of the apartment had grown so steadily Avi hadn’t even realized until he saw how Johann’s incorporeal body flickered like a flame, and the small beads of sweat on his forehead he felt as he pulled away.

The small amount of edge in Avi’s words must have been audible, as Magnus tried to soften his words even more. “Look, it’s not as bad as it sounds,” he gave a nervous smile, “Lucretia offered a few good therapists she’s been in touch with. Trust me, I think it’s worth your t—”

“You told Lucretia about my problems that you don’t even know about??” Avi stared at Magnus in disbelief. 

“No! Well, I mean, not like that! I didn’t specify anything, I just asked her for recommendations that might… suit… you…”

That’s what finally set Avi off. Something in him wanted to hold back. _It’s Magnus. He’s just worried about you. You’re overreacting. Just shut up and decline,_ that rational part of his brain told him. He almost indulged in it, for the fact that he never liked to yell at Magnus. He had been one of Avi’s only constant friends ever since he moved to Neverwinter. Yelling at him felt wrong. He almost let it go. ‘Almost’ is not enough. 

Though it’s not immediate, the resentment in Avi’s voice came through loud and clear with two words. “Get out.” Avi forced each word out through gritted teeth like they were poison, spat out like a curse. When Magnus only responded with a look of surprise, Avi let his more of his now-quickly unravelling anger spill into his words to make a point. “Get the _fuck_ out of here, Magnus!” 

“What? Avi, dude, you’re not seriously kicking me out for trying to help you?” Magnus laughed, because that’s what he did in situations he thought he could fix. That amazing, charming, _stupid_ laugh that never made Avi want to kick Magnus’s teeth in until that point. Upon realizing how serious Avi was, that everything he said was tipped with genuine anger, Magnus started to falter. “You— you can’t!”

“Yes, I can. This is my place, and I’m telling you to _get out!_ ” 

“Please, can we talk? I’m not trying to antagonize you or anything. I’m really just trying to h—”

Each word that Magnus spoke ticked Avi further off. He stood up and shouted, “I gave you your chance to talk! I told you what I wanted to tell you and you just kept pushing! I’m not listening to you anymore. So just leave.” He gestured towards the door, as if that would make Magnus get there faster. “Leave!!” Avi gave his final plea, a twinge of desperation caught in his throat that he prayed Magnus wouldn’t be able to hear.

Unfortunately, those prayers went unanswered, as Magnus’s face showed more pity than Avi would have thought capable. “Oh, man… oh, Avi. Listen to me. I’m sorry for being so forward, but… I’m not going anywhere until you’re gonna be honest, because you’ve given me a reason to worry with that,” Magnus pointed at Avi’s hoodie. 

When Magnus moved to stand up, his hands reached out to grab Avi’s hands. Yet before Avi could even flinch, a strong, hot force pushed Magnus back onto the couch. One that Avi could see the source of, while Magnus could only freeze up in fear of the invisible pressure on his chest that held him down to the couch.

Johann, who had stood behind Magnus throughout the entire conversation, had his hands pressed against his chest. The shirt Magnus wore provided the barrier he needed to be able to ‘touch’ him, which he used to dig his fingers into the soft skin and hold him down to the couch. That cold look of contempt Johann had given never left, instead coming back stronger than before. And the apartment was hot. So, so hot. 

As Johann dug his nails into his shirt and chest, Magnus was clearly in pain, although he did not voice it. “Tell him to leave again,” he demanded as he applied more pressure to Magnus’s chest, which gained a choked out gasp. After a moment’s hesitation, Johann repeated more firmly, “Tell him to leave.”

On any other day, Avi would’ve told Johann to stop, would’ve at least feigned worry for Magnus’s clear pain. He should’ve, he told himself when things were said and done. But in that moment, Avi pointed at the door and spoke with venom in his voice:

_“Get out.”_

Magnus didn’t need a second warning. Johann lifted his hands from his chest and he got up and bolted, though not without clutching his chest and stumbling on his own feet. He took one last glance at Avi, his eyes filled with fear and his mouth open to scream something, but he only shook his head and slammed the door shut to book it out of the apartment.

The heat fizzled out from how long Avi and Johann stood there, both fixated on the door, like Magnus would pop back in somehow. They didn’t say anything when they eventually made eye contact. Johann might have mouthed something, a quick and silent thing, but Avi didn’t notice. He had already ran to his room, his heart in his throat and tears and his eyes, leaving Johann alone by himself.

  
Rain battered Avi’s hoodie when he walked up onto the roof, the comforting weight of an occupied violin case in his arms. It was silent as he moved, save for the hum of a small tune coming from Avi. His steps were wobbly and slippery against the heavy amount of rain the storm kept bringing, but Avi got his footing down. His gaze wandered to the plants Merle put so much effort into caring for, getting their water. It was hard to see in the darkness and rain, but the lights of Neverwinter were bright enough for him to find his usual spot where he sat.

Sitting in that place without Carey felt odd, but he got used to it. His legs swung beneath him, his heels hitting the wet wall of the building. Avi knew he should have brought something thicker than a hoodie, but something about the cold droplets just barely hitting his skin through the fabric felt refreshing. With his free hand, he pushed off his hood and pulled off his ponytail. Avi tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He let the rain drip down his face with the deepest sigh of relief that a human could let out.

“Huh… I don’t think I’ve ever been up here,” Johann mumbled. Avi paused his humming to look at his right, where Johann had materialized and hovered close to him. “The view is so interesting. Neverwinter looks… looks so different from what I remember,” he mumbled. “So much brighter. I mean, it was certainly bright before, but this seems different. Stronger, I guess.” Avi huffed and nodded, but didn’t say anything.

_This storm’s beautiful,_ Avi thought as a flash of distant lightning illuminated the sky, followed by a roll of thunder. He focused only on that for a minute or two. Avi savoured that distinct smell of heavy rain, the dirt from the plants behind them, the smell of smoke Johann had on him. _Can we stay here forever?_ he wondered. _Just here, together, in the rain? That’s all. No one else. Nothing else. You are safe. I am safe. I think that’s fair. It should be fair. I think we deserve to be safe and happy._

But Avi knew better than that. He could feel that Johann wanted to talk about something. So did he. Why else would he bring Johann up there? _How do I ask? What do I even want to talk about? I want to talk… I just don’t know about what._

Johann was the one to break the silence, like he could hear Avi’s thoughts. “Avi, why did you bring me up here? You could have at least worn a jacket. I can’t exactly melt the rain like I could with the snow,” he sighed. 

“I just thought we should… lay things out. About each other? Just… be truthful about things that we may not have been truthful about before… Talk about each other. Learn about each other.”

“You want to know more about what I was like.”

“I… I do, yes, but I’m not asking for that. I wouldn’t ask anything of you. You can just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”

“Last time you said that, you yelled at me.”

Avi became stiff, ready to become defensive, but he let himself feel the storm again. He felt the wind whip around him and the water sting his eyes. When he composed himself, Avi nodded, “I did. I’m not gonna deny that, but I think we need to be open. Talk about things. And I’m not gonna be defensive anymore. I know you want to talk, too.”

Another flash of lightning, closer that time, illuminated Johann’s form. He glowed in such a peaceful way. A direct opposite of the storm that made its way through Neverwinter. “I want to learn more about you, Avi. I want you to know more about me.”

“Then ask. Tell.”

“I don’t know what to ask. I don’t know what to say.”

_Gods, it’s hot._ Even in the midst of rain and thunder, Johann’s warmth never left him. It was so strong, Avi wanted to lean into him, even if he knew there would be no physical body for him to come in contact with. No physical body to touch. To hold. 

“I will never be able to tell you everything about me,” Johann stated. “It’s two centuries too late for that. I don’t think you care for that, but… but I do. Oh my gods, Avi, I do. I had a life. Even if I can’t remember it all, I had one. I had a mom, I had friends, interests, dislikes… 

“And I wasted it. I wasted my life, whatever it was like, chasing one thing. I just wanted to be known, you know? Make a name for myself. I think that’s what I was practicing for. A performance. A ‘performance’ can mean so many things— things I can’t remember the details of. Things I’ll never remember. But it was important to me. I think it was going to change my life. Give me that recognition that I tried so hard to get. It’s all I focused on, to the point I… to the point that’s what got me. That ambition fucking destroyed me. It… holds me down when I shouldn’t even be here.”

Johann’s lips trembled as he spoke, and eventually he couldn’t even face the same direction as Avi. He stared down into the rainy streets below them. “Life… shapes people. Our memories shape who we are. And I’m _forgetting_ my life. I’m forgetting the things that made me… me. What if I’m a totally different person than I used to be? How much of myself have I lost to time?” he rambled. “I wasted my life and probably my whole fucking personality for some stupid ambition that probably wouldn’t have worked out. I… don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t think you would know what that’s like.”

Yet somehow, in some sad way, Avi already knew that. “I think I get what you mean, Johann,” he whispered, his words barely audible over the pounding rain. “Not to that extent, of course. I’m not gonna pretend that anything I’ve gone through is anywhere _near,_ uh, dying the way you did. But, uh… throwing away my life for some dumb goal kind of fucked me up as well.”

Johann didn’t ask for an elaboration, nor did Avi feel any implicit pressure from how they locked eyes with each other, but he still spoke. “I moved here for a reason, yeah? Brandybuck is a fine place, I loved living there, but I wanted more, I guess. I… I’m sure you might’ve guessed from that day, but I wanted to be part of a team. Football, specifically. They didn’t have that in Brandybuck, it’s a smaller place, and I was a pretty insistent kid. Neverwinter is always full of possibilities, as it’s always advertised, so my moms decided to come here. Made friends like Magnus—” Avi flinched when he remembered what they did to him— “and the high school we went to had a football team. So you know I signed up.” 

When Avi ran his hand through his hair, it was soaked already, but he let out an exasperated laugh and shook his head. He said, “It was the only thing I focused on for the whole four years I was there. Just… on the team, with Magnus. I didn’t… do well in other parts of school. Like, I didn’t do _terribly,_ but it still wasn’t the best, other than in math. Spent too much of my time worrying about the team and actually making something out of it, being so confident I could get it without even trying. So I partied! Made a lot of friends throughout it all. Was even sort of an asshole. And I drank… a lot, during that time. I know, stupid, I was a kid. A dumb one. Who shows up to games drunk?”

Avi felt his eyes sting from water hitting them. He tried to wipe some raindrops away, but as he rubbed his eyes, he pieced together that it wasn’t just the rain. He laughed a horrible, pained laugh, that was followed with a clap of loud thunder. “It’s funny, isn’t it? Magnus and I had similar skills, we both had equal chances. I could’ve had a chance! But I didn’t know. I did terrible, obviously, and of course during the time they were recruiting. 

“And like I said, that was the only thing I had going for me. I can’t believe I was even _surprised_ when I wasn’t picked by anyone I had reached out to. That it all went to Maggie, who didn’t even take any offers up! Decided that going with art would be easier on his relationship with Julia,” he cried, his voice cracking the more he spoke. His chest felt like it was being crushed by some strange pressure, his arm ached in an extreme amount of pain, but he had never felt more free to just talk.

“Oh, Avi…” Johann cooed. He pushed himself away from the edge of the building to hover just in front of Avi, nothing but the streets far below him. It was strange, seeing any person floating like that, and Avi couldn’t help but fear that he would fall somehow. The expression on his face resembled one of sadness, but no pity. Only one of solidarity. 

Even knowing that Johann wasn’t looking down upon him, Avi’s face still flushed with embarrassment, his skin hot against the rain that still whipped his face. “I’m— I’m sorry for crying over something so dumb. I’ve just never told this to anyone. Never even mentioned it to Magnus, fuck no,” he sniffed and wiped his eyes.

“No, it’s fine. It’s okay to do that. I know I would be crying too, if I could.” Johann grinned so sadly as he spoke, like he knew that it cheered Avi up every time he saw him do so, even if he didn’t have the energy to pretend it was of happiness. Somehow, that comforted him more than if Johann were to have faked a happy smile. “It’s okay, Avi. We’re just talking. Like we wanted to. We’re both okay, aren’t we? We’re okay?”

_I don’t know._ Avi took in a shaky breath to recollect himself, but it fell apart immediately. “I, I didn’t have anything else for me afterwards. That was my only plan, and everything fucking fell after that. All my planning for some stupid fucking sport. I had to make last-minute changes to my entire year— I quit the team, studied so much more, focused mainly on the shit I was good at, like math. I didn’t even want to start focusing my life in any type of engineering, I just got into it because I was _good_ at it and my moms wanted me to. It’s not exactly something I ever saw myself doing seriously, but I don’t have any other choice.”

“Avi, Avi— breathe. You’re not breathing normally, Avi.”

Another crackle of thunder. Avi’s chest was in so much pain, but he kept rambling, “And ever since then I’ve just felt lost. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I had to make such a big change in such little time. I lost a lot of friends from how I had to hole myself up to even graduate, and the habits I had to change. I’m such a different person than I was just a couple years ago. It’s such a stupid thing, not getting recruited, but it was the only fucking thing I had going for me. And it knocked me off of entire friendships, knocked me out of who I used to be— the person people still remember me as, either for good or bad…”

“And I’m the one who ruined it! I have no one to blame but me. And it’s dumb, it’s dumb it’s so _fucking_ dumb but for a while I just couldn’t speak to anyone. I couldn’t even leave my bed for a while, unless it was to come up here and stare down at the streets and…” A sob cut Avi off and he had to try so hard not to look down to the ground so far beneath him.

“Listen to me, Avi!” Johann yelled, which finally got Avi’s attention. The shortness of breath finally caught up to him, and he noticed he was hyperventilating. “Stop thinking about that right now. Just focus on breathing, please? I can tell you’re not doing it right. It’s been a while since I’ve done it, but I know what it looks like from you.” 

It took awhile for him to do it, but when Johann leaned closer to Avi, his warm hands pressed against his damp hoodie, breath came to him once again. “I’m trying, Johann, I really am,” he said. 

An uncomfortable chuckle slipped from Johann’s lips. “Isn’t that fucked, though? How my ambitions were the death of me, but you were the death of your ambitions?”

“Yeah… that’s fucked.”

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes. Avi glanced down at the ground so far below, then back up to Johann, who hovered just above those rainy streets. _You’re so warm,_ he thought, feeling Johann’s hands against the sleeves of his wet hoodie. It gave Avi that familiar crave, that desire to touch another human being, instead of the crushing weight of nothing. _Really, really warm…_

Was it selfish to want Johann to come back to life only for him? Was it selfish that he just wanted Johann’s warmth tangible for him, and him only?

… Avi leaned forward and—

“Stop it! You’re going to fall!” Avi couldn’t even process what happened when Johann shoved him back, which nearly sent him to the floor of the rooftop if he hadn’t gripped the wall he sat on in time with his free hand, the other still firmly grasping on Johann’s violin case. 

“I’m sorry! I didn’t notice,” Avi apologized.

“It’s… it’s fine. I’m sorry for pushing you.”

“No, that was probably… probably a good idea.”

They elapsed into silence again. Neither of them had the strength to speak at that moment. It was just the two of them, now so close to one another to ensure their safety, the storm still raging around them. Avi’s grip on the case was so tight, his knuckles grew pale and cold, but he couldn’t risk dropping it. The possibility only hit him when Johann had pushed him back. _I’m sorry for risking that._

However, Avi still had words to say. “I went without a proper goal for… I don’t know, a couple years? Until I met you. It sounds weird to say it out loud, but you give me something to look forward to when I wake up, you know? And every time I think about the fact that Lucas is gonna come in one day and try to fix this— it makes me feel something? I can’t say if it’s good or bad. I can’t tell if it’s excitement or fear. But I wake up every day for you. I look forward to summer for you. You’re really changing my life… even when I mess up,” he confessed. _You are my goal,_ Avi wanted to say, but even he had to admit it was pretty corny.

Johann hesitated in responding. His eyes were wide and he looked almost guilty, though Avi couldn’t pin down why. That expression persisted for a few heartbeats until it melted into a bittersweet, but loving smile. “I never knew I had that effect on you. I sort of thought… It was a one-way thing. You have obviously given me so much, even if we tripped along the way. But in the end, I ended up thinking you were only doing it because I forced you to.”

“Force? When?”

“Like, I did just kind of dump my entire soul and possible future in your hands when you were trying to study.”

“Yeah, but you were desperate at that point. You were in that rundown place for centuries.”

“That doesn’t negate the fact that I… cornered you.”

“I could’ve ignored you! I could have run away, like all the others. Trust me, Johann, you didn’t force me into anything. I’m doing everything because I want to.”

That got Johann to chuckle, in a manner that showed he gave up arguing. He sighed, “I… suppose you’re right about that. And I’ll forever be in debt to you because of it.”

Avi shook his head when Johann said that. “No, you’re not. I’m not expecting anything out of this. I’m doing this, all of this because I… I…” _I love you. I love you, Johann. I love you. I love you. I love you._

“I like you. And I care about you.”

_Nice._

A flash of lightning almost covered the excited glint in Johann’s eyes as Avi said, ‘I like you.’ It was only there for a split second, but he saw it, and it made his heart skip a beat. “I care about you, too,” Johann whispered, his smile bleeding into his voice. _That_ Avi had never heard from him. From all the times Johann had smiled, it was never audible from his voice alone, but in that rough rainstorm with tears blending in with the rain on his cheeks, Avi could hear it loud and clear.

“And that’s why I’m going to have to ask you to take us back inside. You’re soaking, Avi! You’re going to get cold and make a mess!” Johann pointed out, pushing away the wet hair from Avi’s forehead. When he didn’t budge, Johann added, “Also, I think some rain might be seeping into the case. I feel a little cold, not gonna lie.”

That was what convinced Avi. He swung his legs back to the safe side of the roof and bolted towards the door back into the building. “You should have told me, bro! I don’t care if I’m cold, you’re the one who can get hurt from this!”

“Hurt? I just said I was a little cold!” Avi turned back just a little before opening the door, and saw Johann running at him, his shoes at least seemingly touching the ground as he did so. _I don’t think I’ve ever seen you run,_ Avi recalled. It was something so small, probably spurred on by that inherent need to run in the rain that could surpass even centuries of death, but it was such a distinctly alive thing to do. Avi could almost forget the transparency to Johann’s skin in that second.

That wasn’t the only thing Avi noticed. Perching in the area they were just sitting before was a familiar corvid that Avi had started to recognize. It’s small, dark figure wouldn’t have been noticeable against the night’s darkness if not for the artificial street lights of Neverwinter. It stared at him like it always did, its black eyes too dark and far away to see if it had any emotion. However, one thing Avi did notice was how it looked so dry in the midst of the storm. Not a single feather looked ruffled amongst the wind.

“Avi?” Johann, who was halfway down the stairs, called out to him. “You coming? I can’t exactly go without you.” After a few beats of silence, he huffed and crossed his arms. “If you hurry it up, I’ll stay by your side tonight to warm you up. Sound fair?”

The raven and Avi stared at each other for a few seconds longer, until it was the latter who pulled himself away and slammed the door closed, his hands quick to lock it. “Yeah!! Fair! I’m coming,” he replied and put on a small smile. Avi couldn’t find the strength to care about how drenched his clothes were, not with the promise Johann had given.

Spotting Avi’s enthusiasm, Johann smirked and raised a brow. “Ah, so that’s what got you to come, huh? I’ll keep note of that,” he teased. 

“Shut up, man.” Avi wiped his face to rid himself of the last of his tears, along with the rainwater. “I hate you,” he ripped a joke.

“I like you, too.”

  
Humming. One of the sounds that drowned out the pattering rain was humming. The tune didn't matter, Avi just needed to hum.

It became very noticeable after a call with Lucas. Johann popped in by the end of it. Avi had asked that he not join the call, for Johann’s safety and well-being, as the subject of memories tended to make him unstable. So to hear Avi humming a soft tune while making himself breakfast— an actual breakfast, he snorted when he noticed it wasn’t just frozen junk— after a supposedly serious call, Johann got curious. 

The rain outside was a lot more gentle than the storm from a week ago, with bits of sunlight breaking through that cast a dull glow in the small kitchen they were in. “How was the call?” Johann asked, quiet enough to not make Avi jump in his skin, but loud enough to be heard over the rain and humming. “What are you making?”

“Pancakes. I’m not really good at it, not gonna lie, but I’m trying,” Avi turned to face Johann, a kind smile on his lips, but there was a melancholy to his eyes.

“Ah. I’ve never seen you make those. But really, how was the call?”

Upon realizing Johann wouldn’t drop the subject until he answered, Avi exhaled through his nose. He brought his attention back to the pancakes he was making and hummed. “It was… kind of normal. Same old, same old. I told Lucas about your, um, significant memory gap. Just said you should try to take it easy. Oh, and they’ve made better progress on their plan. They even showed me a small demonstration that I don’t want to get into detail with, because I kind of want to eat my breakfast?” he explained, a cringe on his face by the end of it.

Johann gagged, although it was exaggerated. “Eugh. At least that’s some good news. Though sometimes it feels like Lucas just wants me to ‘rest’ all the damn time until he comes here,” he rolled his eyes. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought he just wants me dead.”

The way Johann said it was meant to be a joke, but Avi didn’t feel comfortable laughing. He only shrugged and returned to humming his endless tune, his movements rhythmic as he finished up his breakfast. He didn’t even notice when Johann pulled himself out of his uncomfortable silence to him along with Avi, trying to match and harmonize with him even if it came out shaky. 

Avi sat on the counter to eat his food, which wasn’t unusual for him. He never found eating at the couch comfortable, but he also found that it was easier for Johann to float in front of him without looking too awkward. The two revelledo in each other’s presence, both humming an awkward tune. 

“Can I apologize real quick?” Avi questioned, his mouth full of pancakes.

“Are you asking me if you can apologize for something?”

“… Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll give you credit for admitting that. Sure, go ahead. Just don’t say it with your mouth full, idiot.”

_You’re so mean,_ Avi giggled to himself. The little insults like ‘idiot’ never bothered him, not when Johann said them with such a loving tone. It was an easier way for Johann to communicate his affection, something Avi lapped up and desired, but in that moment he had to set aside his feelings to talk. “I just wanted to say sorry for how I’ve been acting this month. Just kind of… sad. A little angry, too. And with that whole thing with Magnus— I’m gonna talk to him, don’t worry— I just feel like I’ve been a little bit dramatic? So, uh, sorry about that. I just get weirdly moody around April.” 

Johann’s eyes widened at the random apology, but softened after thinking about it. “Oh, yeah. I can’t really say that it’s ‘okay,’ because it did scare me a little bit, but I accept your apology,” he said.

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“Well… no? I mean, unless you plan to get me _another_ jellyfish. Or a shrimp. There’s not a lot of things for you to do as an apology.”

_Right,_ Avi stuffed some more food down his mouth to cover the frown he had. “Oh yeah, I get it. Still, I wish I could… give you something. I don’t think my apologies are enough,” he shrugged, his heels kicking the lower cabinets.

“Your apologies are enough! Even if you tend to overuse them,” Johann noted, which gained a playful glare from Avi. However, he didn’t have the energy to reply to Johann. The call with Lucas had sucked out most of the energy Avi had that morning. An uneasy fear settled into his heart as he thought about it.

Though Avi would never tell Johann, the demonstration did not go smoothly, at least in his eyes. While that poor little mouse _did_ come back to life, Avi couldn’t get the image of its milky white eyes out of his head, nor the image of Lucas swiftly pulling the rodent away from the camera when it began to twitch and squeak in a twisted way. _It’s fine, it’s fine! Just a few side effects. It’ll be back to normal in no time!_ Lucas insisted and tried to go into more detail in how they were still perfecting it, but by then Avi had already felt sick. 

_Don’t think about that, you’re eating._ Avi pushed the thought out of his head and instead went back to his mindless humming.

“Actually, sure, there is something you could do to make up for it!” exclaimed Johann. Before Avi could question it, Johann pulled his spectral violin from who-knows-where, his eyes bright with inspiration. “I hope you don’t mind,” he got into position to play, “that I play with you?”

“Oh, of course I don’t mind! You don’t have to ask me every time— wait, _with?_ ”

Johann shrugged, though there was a giddiness to it, like he tried too hard to be nonchalant and failed miserably. He clarified, “You’re already starting me off with a melody. I’m sure we can improvise something together.” The look he gave Avi was devilish, one that beckoned him to join him in song.

Yet even with such a bold invitation, Avi faltered. “I— I’m not very good with music. That’s your job!” he stammered and rubbed the back of his neck. A blush flooded his cheeks and it took all of his energy to not cover his face with his hands. “And I’m, uh, eating. I just tend to hum when it’s raining. Keeps me focused. Rain really distracts me.”

“So you won’t play along with me?” 

“I’m not nearly as good as you! Even if I just hum.”

“What, are you embarrassed? You know I’d never mock you.”

“That’s a lie and you know it!” Avi pointed an accusing finger at Johann. That got a cackle out of him. “You’d bully me for days if you had the chance. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.”

_You’re so cute._ They both thought those things, at the same time, but neither would dare to say it out loud.

After some comfortable silence, with Johann’s eyes looking away to think, he eventually said, “But seriously, Avi. Can we do it? You don’t even have to have perfect pitch or anything, I’m not expecting you to become a professional. I… can’t explain it, but having someone contribute to my music makes me feel special? Again, I can’t really explain it, but just this once?” His voice sounded so sincere and delicate, Avi swore he could feel himself falling deeper in love with every word he spoke. “So, uh, please?”

How could Avi say no to that?

It took a little while for Avi to shovel the rest of his breakfast down his mouth, but in the end he took a quick sweep of his kitchen and hopped off his counter. “Do you mind if I clean as we do it?” Avi asked and gestured to the mess he made while cooking. “I am… not too skilled in making my own breakfast yet, so it got a little messy.”

“Oh, you know I wouldn’t mind. Go ahead, I’ll start when you start.”

Avi started out quietly enough, that pressure to do well enough for Johann while simultaneously cleaning, but his thoughts wandered to the sound of rain that still battered against his window. Instinctively, he began to hum to focus himself back on his task. It was a more upbeat melody than Johann was used to, Avi noticed when he didn’t immediately jump in.

When Johann did start playing along, Avi almost stopped in his tracks. Throughout the months they had been together, he never heard Johann play something quite so jovial. Even the short song he played for Avi last month hadn’t been that lively, even if it was very loving and made him feel warm every time he thought about it. This was different. The improvisation chased after whatever nonsense Avi would hum and mould it into something musically coherent, with a tone of joy that was missing in Johann’s other works.

Avi didn’t know when he started to dance rather than walk. The line between dancing and walking is blurred and indistinct, but as he cleaned up the rest of the kitchen, his steps became more rhythmic. He was never much of a dancer, that much was obvious. There was no surprising elegance to him, no hidden talent of dance that he hid under lock and key. Instead Avi just enjoyed himself, relishing in Johann’s music. 

_I think I get what you mean,_ he thought, _This is kind of special._ It was such a simple thing, Avi humming and dancing while Johann played his violin, but something about it was comforting. A combined effort to brighten each other up after a month of stressful situations. It pulled Avi in, almost making him forget all about the rain and the crying.

Not to mention that Johann’s music sounded as perfect as ever, cementing Avi’s opinion that he really was the world’s greatest violinist. One that deserved to be known across time. One that had that opportunity stolen from him. 

That wasn’t the time to think of that, though. As Avi had finished cleaning, he turned to face Johann fully, too occupied to do so before. What he didn’t expect to see was Johann staring at him while his hands still expertly played the instrument, an enormous grin on his face. The stare held a look of absolute admiration, his smile so full of something Avi wished so hard was _love_. In the small cascades of sunlight that peeked through the morning rain clouds, Johann resembled life again. Alive and full of adoration _._ Adoration for _Avi._

But when Johann snapped out of it and realized Avi had stopped humming— had caught him staring— he whipped his head to the opposite direction that made his hand slip and create a terrible, shrieking noise. It broke that illusion, that cheerful and bright mood that Johann’s music had created, and he once again looked like what he really was. A translucent aporia. “Shit! Um, sorry for that. I, uh, don’t know what… what got over me. Why did— why did you stop?” he stumbled over his words, and Avi was certain that if he could, Johann would have blushed.

“I finished cleaning? And I saw you were, like, staring at me. Was I being embarrassing?”

“Huh? No! No, no, complete opposite! You were, um, cute. You were really cute.”

“Cu— oh! Cute? I was being cute?” 

“Uh, yes. You look really cute when you dance.”

It sounded corny, but Avi couldn’t tell if the kitchen had gotten hotter or if it was just him. “Hahhh… th— thank you? Thanks! Gods, uh, thank you… for that…” he pushed out, his face burning up more than his arm. 

Johann had an awkward half-smile on his face, but that adoration still glimmered in his clouded eyes. “I’m just saying what I see,” he laughed and quickly changed the subject, “Anyways, thanks for joining me with that. It was fun, even if it was a little short. I won’t bother you for it again, I promise.”

Just as Johann’s violin vanished into thin air, Avi moved closer to him. His hands moved up to caress his face, but when he remembered that wasn’t possible, Avi let his hand hover in the air uneasily. _Johann decides when I get to hold him. Not the other way around,_ he reminded himself. “No, man. That was fun. I’d… I would like to do it again, sometime. Another day,” he admitted with a nervous bite of his inner cheek. “Is that okay?”

As Avi spoke, Johann’s eyes had settled onto his hovering hand that stood between them. Silently, Johann took his own hand with that familiar cracked pattern and traced Avi’s scars. His fingers just a centimetre above the skin, as there wouldn’t be any difference in feeling if he closed that gap. Avi couldn’t even ask what he was doing because as soon as those scars disappeared underneath the shirt he wore, Johann’s hand travelled to where his heart would be on his chest and pressed down on it, and he could _feel_ it. It took Avi’s breath away. A one-hit kill. Johann must have known, for he had the tiniest smirk he could muster, one that made Avi question how hard he had fallen for this ghost.

“Yeah, that’s okay with me, dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the nature of modern johavi is that Avi is incapable of experiencing the epic highs and lows of high school football /j  
> anyways! next chapter will (hopefully) be a little happier! but who knows. I certainly don’t! have a good one <3


	10. i will not ask and neither should you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May is a stressful month. Killian has concerns, Avi encounters a wild fireball, Lucas gets riled up, and Johann has another heartfelt conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for waiting for this new chapter! I did not mean for it to take this long, but hey, it’s here! enjoy!

“Care to explain why Magnus thinks you’re a witch?”

“I— What??”

It was early in the morning, Avi only being awoken by the buzzing and alarms of missed calls from Killian on both his phone and his laptop. It took him a while to fully wake up, but when he saw the urgency in the frantic texts and ringtones, Avi pulled himself to accept a video call with her. The sunlight broke through his dark room in small streams through his curtains, illuminating him just enough for him to be visible to Killian, and for him to see the frustrated look on her tired face.

Killian sighed so silently her mic barely even picked it up. “I’m being serious, Avi. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how he’s been avoiding you? I asked when our next hangout would be and he straight up said he didn’t want you to come until he… how’d he say it? ‘Settled things with him.’ He explained a little bit about what happened between you and him, and it sounds batshit insane. What’s going on?” she asked.

 _Fuck._ Avi considered hanging up right at that moment. He leaned into the pillows behind him and let out a groan. “I, uh… well, how much did he tell you?” he huffed, trying to hide his stressed face by shifting his laptop a little to the side so his webcam wouldn’t pick him up. 

“He swung by your house after class. Tried to talk to you about… something. He was vague about it. But it escalated into a fight, and you wanted him to leave. He tried to console you, but then there’s a strange pressure on his chest, and everything’s burning hot. You tell him to leave again and it gets hotter, and he was just about to scream when it all stopped, and he left. Now he has some type of burn mark on his chest? Looks weird, like it was a drawn on flame, but the burn itself wasn’t even that bad. Just barely making it to the first degree category,” Killian explained. Just hearing it made Avi’s arm ache, and he shifted to cradle the arm that was hidden beyond the webcam.

 _I didn’t know he got hurt from that._ Avi knew he would have to talk to Johann about it.

Killian pinched the bridge of her nose, “However, he’s _convinced_ that you did it with magic.” She looked so tired, like she hadn’t even slept that night. “I don’t know where he got that idea, but he is very keen on it. ‘It just felt like fucked up magic,’ he kept on saying that over and over again. I asked him what he meant by ‘fucked up,’ but that was a whole slew of off the wall rambling. He’s insistent that you’re using old magic.”

“Is… does he want to talk to me? Should I call him?” Avi questioned and straightened himself up, now getting concerned. Yes, he had gotten mad at Magnus, but not enough that he thought hurting him was good. _I just wanted him to leave. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want to scare or— or hurt him._

“Um… no, not yet. I think he needs to relax a little before you can even look at him,” Killian let out a dry laugh that Avi knew meant her patience was wearing thin. “But right now, I want answers. The poor guy’s freaked the fuck out. What the hell happened between you two? Are you really out here, going all witch-y on us?”

Avi knew he had to lie, but as each second passed, it became increasingly obvious that he really had no way out. There was no way he could tell Killian the truth. Saying that a ghost did it would definitely be shut down immediately, but what excuse could he come up with? That it happened out of nowhere? That Magnus was making it up? The truth was unbelievable and any lie would also be shot down. There wasn’t a whole lot he could do except delay the inevitable.

Just as Killian opened her mouth to press on, Avi grumbled, “Magnus was… checking up on me again. And don’t say that you don’t know what I mean, I _know_ he told you about the last time.” The shocked, but uncomfortable grimace on Killian’s face confirmed his suspicions.

“This time he took it too far. He— he not only told Lucretia, someone I don’t even talk to that much anymore, about my whole mental state and shit that was quite frankly not his business, much less hers!” Avi struggled to keep himself composed. He cradled his arm so tightly, his fingers dug into the scarred flesh. “Then he tried to offer _therapists_. Which, like, doesn’t sound so bad, except for the fact that I repeatedly said I am totally doing fine on my own! He invaded my privacy and spilled my shit to do so. So I got angry, obviously.”

Though Killian was visibly conflicted, she shook her head. “That explains… what he was doing there. I’ll give you that. However, that doesn’t explain the whole witch accusation. Did you use magic to hurt Magnus?” she repeated, her words getting more strained. “I’m not— I’m not excusing his actions, Avi. From what you’re telling me, he seems to have crossed a line with you, even in good faith. What I need you to understand is what he is telling me is that you basically assaulted him with ancient magic. You get why I’m trying to get straight to the point, right?”

“I’m begging you to tell me where I would learn this ‘ancient magic’ from, Kills.”

“I don’t know! I don’t know _what_ you’re doing anymore. When you keep avoiding us, who knows what the hell you're doing?” Killian covered her face and let out a frustrated yell. 

When she pulled away, she looked so stressed, but determined to keep going. “I’m not trying to antagonize you, Avi! I’m really not. I just want you to tell the truth. Just tell me what happened. Trust me, I of all people do _not_ want to believe that you really did just zap the shit out of Magnus. That’s not like you, but he’s the one who gave his evidence. You are just deflecting. Guess which person I’m inclined to believe right now.” 

Though he wanted nothing more than to argue with her, Avi knew she was right. Killian always was. “So you… you don’t think I did it?” he questioned, his voice trembling in such a way he knew Killian was bound to pick it up. 

“I don’t want to believe it. It’s… hard to believe it, genuinely, but I don’t want to turn down Magnus’s real worries. He’s scared of you, Avi. You two have been friends since freshman year and whatever you did has made him _afraid._ Of course I’m curious. I don’t want to believe you’d do such a thing, quite frankly I doubt you’re even capable of it—” Killian let out a nervous laugh— “but you gotta see where I’m coming from, man. I just need your honest truth.”

Admittedly, Avi still felt a little defensive. He didn’t know how he could explain anything. He didn’t like being interrogated like a criminal. It felt so insulting, but he knew he had to say _something_. He had to give Killian an excuse; he had to go apologize to Magnus; he had to have a formal discussion with Johann; he had to do so much. When could Avi catch a break?

Whenever he could, it wasn’t at that moment. “I, um… it wasn’t on purpose,” Avi lied. As soon as he said those words, the lies flooded into his lap, like they always did. Just one little lie and more followed suit. Each possible lie and their outcomes jumped in front of Avi, but he took one and ran with it. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, obviously. I didn’t even mean for it to come out. It was a complete accident! It’s just, you know… you know how Lup used to do crazy magic shit?”

The dumbfounded look on Killian’s face nearly made Avi crack into a laughing fit, but he pulled himself together to avoid doing so. “Yes… I remember that phase. Got super into transmutation magic, fell out of it eventually,” she recounted, each word more hesitant than the last. 

“Yeah, well, she never really fell out of it? And the topic of magic got brought up a couple times and well… she thought it’d be a good way to channel my stress and emotions in a healthier way. Just in a chill and relaxed way. So I… I didn’t really expect it to happen when I was getting so angry,” Avi laughed awkwardly and glanced to the side of his bed. Not a word of what he said was true. He hadn’t spoken to Lup since high school, never cared for her magic at all. All he knew was that she was abroad in Goldcliff and had a weird magic phase. That’s all he needed.

All these lies were so easily disputable. Just one phone call to Lup and the lie would crumble before him. But he knew Killian lost touch with the other Taaco twin when she went abroad with her boyfriend, Barry. It would make no sense that Killian would call her for confirmation, and to press Avi further would make her look like an asshole. Avi had put Killian in a place where she had to take what he said by heart. It wasn’t what he wanted to do, but instead what he needed to do.

“So you… you _are_ practicing magic, but you didn’t intend to hurt Mags?” Killian repeated with what Avi noticed was sincerity. 

“Yeah… yeah!” An awkward laugh slipped out of Avi, in disbelief that Killian was really buying his lie. “I never would have hurt him on purpose. I might just quit this whole magic shit if I’m really that unpredictable. I, um, wasn’t all that serious about it anyway,” he shrugged and stretched out his arms. 

Killian scratched the back of her neck and glanced to the side. “Uh, yeah. Probably for the best! Hopefully Lup will understand. I never knew you kept in touch with her. I only ever saw you talking to Taako,” she pointed out and reached out of frame. When she pulled back, she had a hair tie in her hand and she swiftly pulled her hair into a ponytail. 

“Eh. Friends through association. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind,” Avi sighed in relief and reached for his own hair tie. As he did, he hopped on the chance to change the subject, “So how’s Carey? Is she awake?”

“Oh, Carey? Nah, she’s asleep, I think. It’s still pretty early. She’s on the couch, though, so I can’t exactly know.”

“Couch?? What’s she doing there? Don’t tell me you kicked her out the bed.”

“No!” Killian laughed and waved her hand slightly. “No, no. Sometimes she just gets hot in the middle of the night and stays on the couch. I would never kick her out. I’ll tell her you said hi.”

Avi laughed, and it was a soft sound. He let himself relax into his bed and let a smile find its way on his face. “Thanks, man. Though if we have any free time, I’d love to hang out and say hi to her in person. You know, after I sort things out with Magnus, hopefully?” he shrugged.

There was a pause, Killian’s face contorting in thought. She picked her words carefully, muttering, “Yeah, that’d be great. Just… be careful when you talk to him, okay? If you think it’s needed, Carey and I can help you guys and make sure everything goes well?” 

The question filled Avi with embarrassment. _I’m not a kid, I can solve my own problems,_ he tried to defend himself internally, but he knew that sounded silly. He was the one that created such a dumb problem in the first place. “I’m, uh, not sure that’ll be necessary! I think I can handle it by myself. I’ll be sure to tell you how it goes, if it’ll help you sleep at night,” Avi compromised, his tongue between his teeth to keep himself from saying something he would regret.

Though Killian looked unsure, she let the subject be put to rest. “Of course. You guys have been friends ever since you two first met. I’m sure you guys will figure it out on your own,” she chortled and rested her head on her hand. “But enough about that. How’ve things been? Like, in general. Also, I don’t think you’ve ever followed up on that Johann guy! Tell me about him— have you asked him out yet?? What’s going on with you two?”

The mere mention of Johann’s name got Avi flustered, heat spreading from his cheeks to his ears. “Uh, things have been going! Y’know, spring stuff, university stuff, that… stuff. A little stressful with everything, but, uh! I’ve been okay overall, yeah. And— and you??” Avi tried to single in on the first part of Killian’s question. 

However, Killian caught onto Avi’s trick almost immediately. “Oh, no you don’t! There’s no subject to switch to now. Give me the details, I am asking very politely for the details!” she laughed and moved closer to the screen. “C’mon, man, tell me. I haven’t met him yet, I gotta get all my info from you!”

“It’s— it’s nothing. I’ve just been speaking to him, like, normally! I haven’t… I haven’t asked him out or anything. We’re just friends, you know?”

“But you _like_ him? You like him more than just a friend?”

Avi sighed and lowered his voice, “Yeah, so? I can’t just ask him out.”

“That’s actually exactly what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to ask out the people you like, smartass,” Killian raised a brow, “Why are you whispering? Don’t you live alone?”

The conversation was humiliating. What if Johann could hear him? He didn’t sleep, usually roaming the living room or staring out the window. They didn’t have much space either— the apartment was small and only ever meant for one person. The possibility of Johann being able to listen in made Avi sweat. “I don’t… I don’t know. I’ve never done this shit before. I don’t think I can just ask him out, it’s more difficult than that,” Avi spurted out as he tried not to think about getting caught.

“Really? What, does he not know you like him?” 

“What kind of question is that?” 

“Oh, I just sort of assumed he had eyes. With the way you tend to light up whenever I just say his name, I would’ve thought it would be even more obvious when you speak directly to him,” Killian grinned and pressed her fingers together like a silly villain. “So, you haven’t asked him out yet. What’re you waiting for?”

 _Do you need to know?_ Avi wanted to ask. Instead, he turned away, unable to face Killian and confided in a whisper, “I already said, it’s complicated. I’m looking for any signs that he might like me back, but even if he does, I… I wouldn’t know what to do! I haven’t dated since living in Brandybuck, which sounds a lot more pathetic when I say it out loud.”

“Avi, I understand being scared. Hell, I’m sure you remember how I used to be so awkward before asking Carey out?” Avi rolled his eyes and groaned childishly in response. Killian ignored him and continued, “It's gonna be awkward when you first think about it, but when the chance arrives… you just gotta take it. Trust me, rejection is far from the worst thing that can happen to you.”

While he knew she didn’t mean for it to sound dismissive, that comment got Avi a little irritated. “That’s easy for you to say. You knew Carey for longer than I have known Johann, and she accepted immediately. I’m still so afraid. What if I scare him off? He’s not much of a people person, I haven’t even— I haven’t even hugged him, y’know? We just— we can’t even touch properly. But I still…” Avi’s voice softened and grew quieter, “I still love him. Even with the fear. I just think I need some time to figure things out, y’know?”

If Killian planned to push the subject any further, she didn’t follow through with it. She flashed a knowing smile and said, “Yeah, I know. Sorry for assuming shit. I just wanna make sure things go well between you and this guy. I don’t want you to slip up and start blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.” 

“Thanks for caring, I guess.”

“Of course I’m gonna care, man. Avi’s first crush! Well, first crush you ever told me about. Did you ever have any other crushes? I never saw you eyeing up anybody during high school,” Killian questioned.

It took a few seconds for Avi to respond, but when he did, he shrugged. “No, not really. If I did, then I can’t remember it,” he admitted.

“Then this is the first time I get to help you out with this sort of stuff! You had to listen to my dumb, love-struck sobbing at two A.M when we were fifteen, I wanna be there for you the same way. If you ever want to talk about this stuff or need any advice, I’m here to give you what you need. Got that, dude?”

Avi flopped back into his pillows and threw his right arm over his face dramatically. “Yes, yes, got it! Gotta be another time, though. You woke me up pretty early when I planned on sleeping in, so now I gotta go do some things if you don’t mind—”

His rambling was interrupted by a choked out gasp from Killian. “Avi!! What the fuck??”

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Avi asked and moved his arm just enough for his eyes to see the horrified, borderline disgusted look on Killian’s face. A look he had never seen on her face, like she had witnessed something so grotesque.

Realization hit him before Killian even had the chance to speak her words.

“Your arm! What the fuck happened to your arm??” Killian yelled. 

The reaction was instantaneous. “I— I have to go, Killian— Bye!!” Avi stuttered out as he sat up and hid his arm behind his back. His free one moved to hang up the video call before Killian could say anything else. His heart raced and pounded in his chest as he muted both his laptop and his phone in case she would try to call him.

“Fuck,” Avi pulled his knees to his chest and covered his head with arms, the stretch of his scars making him curse. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ ” Each twist of his arm made the healing skin shift so uncomfortably. Killian saw it, he would have to explain the injury, he would have to lie even more. Avi didn’t like lying, he hated it. Why did he have to be put in this situation? Why did he have to lie? 

A warmth Avi had come to know and love drew close. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Johann whispered. It was hard, but Avi managed to look up into Johann’s eyes, which proved to be much more difficult than he thought it would be. _You’re so blurry,_ Avi realized. For a moment, he thought he was crying, but the rest of his room was clear. “Who were you talking to? What happened?” Johann pressed on further. His hand, nearly transparent and fuzzy around the edges, reached to rest on Avi’s clothed shoulder.

 _At least you didn’t hear me say that I love you,_ Avi thought, and almost cracked a bitter smile. When he tried to speak up, however, his words were caught in the back of his throat. A sob threatened to come out instead. _I don’t want to cry anymore,_ he realized through the drum of his heart. So he closed his mouth and shook his head, hoping that Johann would understand.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

Avi shook his head again. 

Concern never left Johann’s eyes, but he shifted closer and rubbed Avi’s shoulder as best as he could. “Okay, uh, yeah. I’m not—” he cursed under his breath, “I’m not good at this kind of comforting stuff. But, um… we don’t have to talk. If you want, I can just… be here for you. Is that okay? Do you want me to just stay here?”

 _Yes._ It’s all Avi wanted. He nudged his shoulder into Johann’s hand, practically begging for more of his warmth. “Yes, okay, that’s fine. I’ll just stay here. We don’t have to talk, that’s okay,” he repeated his words, as if somehow, that would change anything. His other hand made its way to Avi’s other shoulder, steadying himself as he inched closer. 

Johann asked again, “Is this okay?” Avi nodded, though he couldn’t deny that he wanted more. He leaned even closer towards that hazy frame, which took Johann by surprise, even if he didn’t voice it. 

“Come on, Avi. If you get any closer, you’ll fall right through me,” Johann let out a single huff, something akin to a laugh. His left hand trailed down to the middle of Avi’s chest, something he was acutely aware of. The feeling of something so warm, blocked from his skin by only the thinnest of fabric wasn’t something he could just ignore. Johann let his hand rest there with his palm flat against Avi’s chest. 

When Avi made a confused face, Johann glanced away. “I like how your heartbeat feels. It’s comforting to touch. Sorry if that’s… if that’s weird,” he said, his eyes fixated on the thick blankets of the bed. Johann let himself feel more of that heartbeat, and Avi could’ve sworn his body became clearer again. “It keeps me from drifting…” he mumbled barely coherently enough for Avi to make it out. He wanted to ask what it meant, but the words never made it to his tongue.

“But enough about that. When you feel a bit better, just tell me. We don’t have to talk about… whatever happened unless you say so.”

It’s uncertain how long they sat in that bed. They didn’t speak for most of it, Johann’s hand just above Avi’s heart throughout it all. Avi didn’t even remember when he got up from his bed and whispered an apology before they began their day as normal, as if that conversation never happened, but that heat in his chest never left his body. And Avi felt warm again.

When living in an apartment complex in a city as big as Neverwinter, you don’t tend to know everything about even your closest neighbours. Lives were too big, rooms were too small, even if you managed to get close to a neighbour, it wasn’t uncommon for one of the most basic facts of their life to slip from your conversations. It’s not something that people tend to take to heart— really, how much do you expect to learn about your neighbour?

Even with that knowledge, Avi couldn’t hide the look of confusion and surprise on his face as he glanced into Merle’s apartment, only to be greeted with a young dwarf child sitting on the couch where he would usually sit. Merle, who had opened the door to let him in, noticed Avi’s state of confusion. “Hey, Avi! What’s up? Is there something on my face?” he asked and rubbed his beard.

There is never an easy way to clarify the existence of someone’s child when said child was only a few feet away, but Avi attempted to find the best words possible. “No, Merle. You’re fine. Uh… who’s the kid?” he motioned to the young dwarf with his head, rubbing his bad arm to soothe both the physical aching and the anxiety he felt in his chest. As he craned his neck to see past the door, Avi noticed that the kid was scribbling on a piece of paper with no rhyme or reason. 

Merle glanced behind his back, then whipped his head back around with an excited grin. “Oh, right! You haven’t met my son yet, have you?” He stepped aside and urged Avi into his apartment, then closed the door behind him when he did so. “Come, come! It’s about time you kids met. Man, I can’t believe it’s been this long and you didn’t even know of Mookie,” Merle rambled on.

For some reason, Avi didn’t have the heart to interrupt. While the ache in his arm screamed at him to remind Merle that _hey, I only come here for one damn reason,_ Avi tried to push it in the back of his mind for just a moment. He walked closer to Mookie with Merle by his side, and flashed the kid a smile when he finally looked up from his colouring.

“Uh, hey dude, I’m A—”

A surprisingly large weight barrelled into Avi’s abdomen in a flash, nearly sending him to the floor if he hadn’t steadied himself. “Aht— Mookie!! What have I said about tackling people?” Merle scolded, though he looked more amused at how disheveled Avi was as he tried to escape the grip of his son. “Anyways, this is my little fireball, Mookie. Mookie, this is Avi. I, uh, didn’t expect his company! Sorry ‘bout that, Mooks.”

“Not a problem!” Mookie yelled and craned his neck to look up at Avi, his grip around Avi’s arms and torso far too tight for a normal child. He flashed a big smile, showing off a few missing teeth. “Say, I think I like you. Wanna help me colour? It’s for my mom. Daddy says I gotta hurry it up, though, ‘cause this is for her birthday and he doesn’t want me slacking!”

 _Sounds great. Would sound better if you weren’t crushing my arm right now._ Avi ignored the thought and turned to Merle with a pained smile. “Yeah, I would love that! Kind of… I kinda need to speak to your dad for a moment, though, okay?” he explained through clenched teeth and hoped that Merle would get the memo.

The memo that he, thankfully, got almost immediately. Merle moved to pry Mookie off of his visitor, not before Avi could see a look of exhaustion on his face that made his guilt flare up. “Well, okay!! But you _gotta_ help me when you two are done! It’s boring doing it alone,” Mookie grumbled and let his father plop him on the floor. 

“At least you didn’t bite anyone this time. Good boy,” Merle patted Mookie on his messy hair before he grabbed Avi's other arm and pulled him towards his room, “We’ll be right back! Just keep colouring, kid. Avi and I are just gonna have a quick chat.”

As soon as Merle tugged Avi into his room and shut the door, he let out a large sigh. He gestured to his bed, “Sit on there, man. I’ll get right to ya in a moment, I just need a moment.” He pinched the bridge of his nose as Avi nervously sat on the bed and rolled up his sleeve to expose his skin, like he always did when he came. “So, his bad is it today, bud?” Merle spoke up as he walked over to Avi.

“Um, well… I’m not dying? I’m not screaming in pain like last time, but… It stings. A lot. It kinda— the pain kinda reaches up to my neck, like it focuses there,” Avi thumbed the area of his neck where his scars faded into undamaged skin. He gulped the more he touched it, and the act made him tense up. It was such a _living_ thing to do. Did Johann miss doing that?

 _Now’s not the time to think of him,_ Avi tried to reason with himself. He was so lost in that thought that he didn’t notice Merle taking his arm and only snapped out of it when he felt that soothing palm on his arm once again. They sat in silence during that part, like they always did, but Avi felt the urge to talk. The distinctly human need to interact with other people in a time of vulnerability, one that Avi tried so desperately to ignore, had to overcome him eventually. 

“So, um… What’s the kid doing here?” Avi asked, though the question fell flat when a wave of pain washed over him. 

Merle focused on his task, but he replied, “Typical birthday stuff. Make a quick gift for Hekuba— his mother, if you didn’t know. Mavis was supposed to come as well, but decided to buy something for her another time. So it’s just Mookie and I today. Again, we didn’t really expect any visitors, so you’re a surprise guest. Not an unwelcome one, I gotta add.” 

_Thanks to that confirmation, I guess,_ Avi sighed through his nose. “Sorry for that. I’ll leave as soon as you're done,” he shifted slightly in the bed, feeling awkward as it was much smaller and shorter than the beds he was used to.

“Hey, I’m not kicking you out, bud. Besides, you already agreed to stay with Mookie. You're not going anywhere, unless you wanna risk being tackled again,” Merle laughed. “Seriously, Avi. You can come by whenever you like. Doesn’t have to just be when you’re groaning in pain. And even if you do just come when you’re hurt, don’t apologize for it?? C’mon, kid, think a little.” 

“I… I guess you’re right.”

“Guess? I _know_ I’m right.” Merle brushed his hand against Avi’s skin, which sent another cold wave down his entire nervous system. They fell back into silence again, but Avi was noticeably less tense as the minutes passed. They stayed like that for a while, the sound of breathing from the two of them and rapid shuffling from the other room, before Merle took a deep breath. “How’s this? You need me to go grab the pen?”

After a heartbeat of no response, Merle got up to go get the pen anyway, but Avi shook his head. Slowly, he rolled his shoulder and flexed the muscles in his arm, his other hand rubbed his neck. He explored the old wounds as if they were new, gentle with no pressure. The rough skin had become familiar to him, he knew when he needed that extra healing kick. Avi shook his head with a small smile that he couldn’t hold back. “No, not today. I think I’m good for now,” he finally said, the smile evident in his voice alone.

Merle smiled when he heard the reply. “That’s good to know. Maybe it’s finally fully healing up after all,” he mentioned and got up from the bed. With a voice of uncertainty, he added, “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get rid of all the scarring, it might… it might stick around well into your years, but it’s nothing some makeup or even some easy spells can’t fix.”

“Ah… yeah, makeup.” _Should’ve thought of that before._ Avi tried not to think back to the shocked face of Killian when she saw his arm, which she surprisingly didn’t call him about ever since. He wondered if she had given up trying to pull the answer out of him. _I_ hope _she gave up, at least._

“So, if we’re done… we oughta get back out. I’m not sure how much longer Mookie is willing to wait.” 

“Okay, yeah. I’m getting up,” Avi inhaled deeply before he pushed himself up and off the bed. Though his arm felt cold and slightly numb, he couldn’t stop smiling at the fact that he couldn’t feel the droning, dull ache he felt deep beneath his skin anymore. He could only pray that the effect would last long. 

Though that peace was short lived. “Hey! Get down from there, now!!” Merle yelled and ran to the kitchen where Mookie was climbing onto some open cabinets. “What do you think you’re _doing_ up there? I’m too old for this, you crazy kid.” He took his son into his arms, and it was only then that he noticed the large sum of candy in Mookie’s hands and pockets. “Explain?”

“You guys were taking too long! I was getting hungry.”

“He’s got a good argument, Merle,” Avi interjected, which gained a glare from Merle and a huge smile from Mookie.

Merle snagged a bit of candy from his son, but let him keep the rest. He rolled his eyes and unwrapped one, “Now you’re siding with him?? Ugh, I forgot how young you are for a second. Just share with each other, ‘kay? And if either of you get stomach aches, that’s not my problem, and it’s all fireball’s fault. Got it?”

“Got it,” Avi and Mookie chimed in unison, which made the both of them laugh. Mookie then took Avi’s hand in his and yanked him towards the couch. He squealed, “Hurry, hurry! Before he changes his mind. Also, I need your help with a few things. Daddy says Mom likes it when I colour inside the lines, but I think that’s dumb. Can you help me with it?” 

It was so strange. Avi did not even know of this kid’s existence just a few minutes earlier, but he found himself adoring Mookie. It was relaxing to be in Merle’s apartment, his thoughts no longer plagued with doubt and fear, even if it was only for the moments he decided to stay with them. “Yeah, I’ll help you, man,” Avi sat next to Mookie on the couch, peering over his shoulder to see what he was making. “So, what’re you drawing?”

“A dragon! Moms like dragons, yeah?”

“Of course. All moms like dragons.”

Mookie nodded confidently, like it was common knowledge, then pushed a couple of crayons into Avi’s hand. “When I’m done drawing the dragon, you’ll colour it in, okay? You will be rewarded with the candy. I think that’s a fair trade, right? Right. So give me a few minutes!” he decided. 

The comment got a laugh out of Avi. “What, so this is my job now? Is candy my payment?” he questioned, watching Mookie as he went back to drawing his half-finished dragon. “I don’t think that’s fair. You get my labour, but I only get some candy you stole.”

“I worked hard to get it! Do you know how hard it is to jump onto a counter _and_ get into the cabinet? I’m only eight!” Mookie stuck his tongue out as he worked, a childish growl in his voice. “It’s a deal or no deal. And I’m not bargaining!”

Merle chuckled under his breath. “You tell ‘em, Kooks,” he said, focused on placing a vinyl on his record player and to let it play. When it kicked up, Merle hummed and sat on a chair next to the couch Avi and Mookie sat on. A loving smile rested on his face, even if he would deny it existed if the other two mentioned it. “He’s gotta do a good job, too! No slacking off or going past the lines, you hear that, V man?” he added.

Avi rolled his eyes, shaking his head endearingly. “I hear you, I hear you. Fine, I’ll do it for the candy, if only because it looks good…”

Early afternoon sunshine still warmed the apartment as Avi spoke with Mookie, the two mindlessly talking to each other in a way that blended all the words together in the mid-spring heat. Merle was relaxed in his chair, internally proud that both his son and his young, anxious neighbour were able to click so easily with one another. 

The droning music of the nearby record player gave the room an air of calmness, one that Avi knew would probably never come up again. That the moment he walked out of the apartment, the reality of his situation would hit him like a truck all over again, and he would have to keep pushing on again. However, for just that bubble of time, Avi didn’t think about any of it. He didn’t even think about Johann. Some part of him felt guilty for allowing himself to feel so stress-free when Johann couldn’t share that feeling, but he didn’t dwell on that guilt. 

This was the break he had been begging for the world to give him, and Avi wasn’t one to turn down a break. 

Every call with Lucas felt like hell to Avi at that point. It’s nothing personal to Lucas, of course. In fact, Avi was aware just how much in debt he was to Lucas, what with all his knowledge and rituals that he could never quite remember. Even with that debt, Avi couldn’t help but feel a terrible sense of dread whenever he saw the necromancer calling him, the option to hang up just an inch away, but so far away in every way that mattered. Every time, he had no choice but to open up the call. 

So that’s what he did. After a deep breath, Avi picked up the video call, and was immediately greeted with the disheveled mess that Lucas was. “A— Avi! So great to see you again,” he said, a small smile on his face. It was hard to see, but Avi could make out small lines of sunlight filtering behind Lucas, casting a glow on him. He seemed happier than he usually would be.

“Nice to see you again,” Avi grumbled and gave his eyes a tired rub. 

“Woah, um, still late there?”

“Yes, Lucas. I woulda thought you learned that already.”

Lucas leaned his cheek on his hand, nodding absentmindedly. “Sorry about that. I’ll… try better next time. But that aside, how are you? It’s been a little while since our last call,” he asked, a light tone in his voice. 

There was no way Avi couldn’t have picked it up. The corner of his lip twitched upwards, a smile matching Lucas’s had grown on his face. “Fine, I guess. Stressed as always, but I’m sure you know that already. How have things been at Goldcliff? You seem… awfully cheery,” he pointed out, but in a way he hoped wouldn’t make Lucas embarrassed by bringing it up.

“Oh, do I? Sorry, it’s nothing. Things have been pret-ty good around here, I’ll tell you that,” hummed Lucas. “But yeah, things have been great. Things are going well for my colleagues and I, and we should be ready to head back to Neverwinter in… two months, I guess? Wow, yeah, two months. Two months and we get to meet up. Isn’t that awesome?”

 _Awesome? For you to come and do some crazy magic shit to my friend?_ Avi had to hold back a snarky comment. “Yeah, man, totally.”

“Also, how was your talk with Magnus? Did you, er, tell him about what’s going on? Is he okay?”

“Wh… Magnus?” _Right, last time I told Lucas I was going to talk to him by the time we called each other again._ Every day he put off the thought of talking to Magnus, the thought of having to face him and apologize for that terrible injury made him sick. How could he even look Magnus in the eye, knowing he hurt him when he was just trying to help? Knowing that Magnus was _afraid_ of him? How could he face that reality so soon?

So he didn’t. He ran from his problems like he always did. _Guess I’m just really good at hurting people I care about,_ Avi thought bitterly, until he remembered he was still on the call with Lucas.

Avi shrugged, like it didn’t even matter to him. “It went fine. Easy conversation, I’ve gone through worse,” he lied so perfectly and scratched his cheek. “That’s not what we’re calling for, though. I mean, I enjoy talking to you like this and I wish we could talk normally all the time, but… we’re calling for progress. You know, the reason we’re even meeting up in the first place?” 

When Avi said that, Lucas’s smile fell slightly. “You— what? You don’t want to talk to me? I was just, you know, asking about your day. How things were going over th—”

“I’m _aware_ of that. It’s just, I…” _Fuck, that came out wrong. That wasn’t supposed to sound mean._ “Sorry, I don’t know why I said it like that. What I’m trying to say is that I just really want to get this info out of the way. Just get it out of the way and we can talk about other things later,” Avi clarified, giving a strained, but gentle smile.

“Right… uh, you’re right. Sorry for going off topic, it’s just, you know, it’s hard to always think about this? Like, sure, we really have been working hard! But it’s nice to talk about other things with you?” Lucas laughed nervously and his eyes bounced back and forth, avoiding contact with Avi’s. “This is the first time we’ve really interacted with each other since— since high school! I just thought we could talk a little more. I mean, it’s not like you’re only using me to bring back some dead guy, then ignore me for the rest of your life… right?”

_… Am I?_

“No, of course not!! Come on, Lucas, I wouldn’t do that. Maybe I wasn’t the _best_ person during high school, but even then I wouldn’t do some bullshit like that,” Avi brushed the thought off, although even he wasn’t sure how true that statement was. “I’m just saying, we can have these conversations… when things get stable again? Or even just through text! But let’s just, uh, keep these calls on topic. Does that sound good?”

A strange look fell on Lucas’s face. A mixture of frustration and… dejection? He seemed almost hurt by Avi’s comment. However, he made no mention of it. He scrunched you his nose and adjusted his glasses, “Sounds, uh, sounds great. Progress, then other stuff. That makes sense.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you understand,” Avi said in an attempt to distract Lucas from his spiraling mood. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I suppose now’s time to start talking about it? I wanna know how much better the spell has gotten. Last time we called, the result was… unnerving. What’s happening now?” 

Except there wasn’t a response right away. Lucas stared at Avi in silence for a few moments. His eyes scanned what he could see of Avi’s room, which was dimly lit by the slivers of moonlight that could escape the rainy clouds, then his eyebrows furrowed lightly when he seemingly noticed something off. “Uh, Avi, where’s— where’s Johann?” he questioned, though there was an edge to his voice, like he would rather not be asking such a question. 

Avi glanced to the side slightly. He knew Johann was outside in the living room, he could even hear the gentle music playing from that room. Faint enough that his mic couldn’t pick it up. That only Avi could hear his music. It made him feel special, in a strange sort of way. That for a couple of centuries, Johann played his music for thousands of students that never appreciated it, and now he got to hear his most gorgeous pieces all on his own. Full of appreciation and love.

Eventually Avi answered, “He’s… resting. He needs a lot of it now, lately. Besides, I don’t wanna stress him out with this call stuff. You know, I wanna make sure he’s okay—”

“Yeah, and I need to _see_ him to be sure that he is. You can’t keep shoving Johann away from these calls just ‘cause you think it’ll soften the blow. You think I haven’t noticed that’s what you’re doing?” Lucas snapped, stunning Avi. 

Frustration seeped through Lucas’s movements, and he took a deep breath to keep himself from exploding. “Every time it’s a new excuse. Johann deserves to know every single thing that comes out of my mouth, and if you’re so insistent on keeping these calls about progress, then he deserves to know how progress is going. You can’t keep shouldering through all the bad news on your own just to ‘protect’ him from the bad news. I know that’s what you’re doing! I’m not dumb. And I know this is not gonna help either of you!”

“That’s not what I’m doing!” Avi insisted, but he wasn’t sure of the validity of his own statement. “At least— I don’t think so? He really _is_ tired. And yeah, maybe I’m worried about how he’s gonna react to some of the stuff you show me, but… it’s not like I’m not telling him the truth. He knows things are going okay. Maybe just not… not the more graphic details? That’s not…” His sentence trailed off as he realized he was only proving Lucas’s point.

To his credit, Lucas did not immediately criticize Avi. He even looked sympathetically towards him. He sighed and mumbled, “This is the last call I will allow this to happen. If only to make you comfortable, and to let Johann rest, but the next ones _must_ have him be included. We’re— we’re so close, Avi. So, so, _soo_ close. I can’t have this go wrong.” He looked so genuinely stressed, Avi didn’t even have the heart to ask about the usage of “I” in that sentence. 

“Okay, okay. I get it. You go first, please.”

“Hm? Right,” Lucas straightened himself up, “Spell progress. The good news is… it doesn’t completely mangle the subject anymore! I, uh, saw how that bothered you the last time I demonstrated the spell. There are still some strange side effects, but… it’s coming along.” As he spoke, Lucas reached beyond what his webcam could capture. 

When he pulled back, a small lab mouse squeaked in his hands. Its fur was rough and tousled, its eyes glassy and its tail shorter than what a mouse’s tail would usually be, but all around it was alive nonetheless. “This is with the body still in the world, by the way. The process is… slightly different when there is no body to be used, like in Johann’s case, as we’ve concluded,” Lucas explained, letting the mouse sniff around his hand. 

“Is… is Johann’s case part of the ‘good news’ as well?” Avi tentatively asked, but from the pitiful look on Lucas’s face, he got his answer before they whispered another word. 

Although they both knew it was useless, Lucas tried his best to soften the blow. “That’s— that’s what I was getting to. The bad news,” he muttered the last part. He placed the rodent on his desk and attempted to pull himself together. “We have done a series of tests on larger, more… sentient animals, for lack of a better word. They were also alive when we caught them. Something we didn’t attempt with the prior tests. It’s not the most humane of practices, but I think we’ve gone past the point of humane, haven’t we?”

Avi knew he was right. He always was, but that didn’t make the statement any less harsh. “I thought it would be the same. Small or larger, body or not, I thought it would’ve been the same,” Avi seethed. “Okay, so it’s different. What was the difference? How would that translate to Johann?” He ground his teeth together the more he talked, each word making him more anxious. _Maybe I should’ve let Johann be with me during these calls,_ he thought. He could still hear the violin in the other room. It would be so easy to call out to him, so he wouldn’t have to hear the terrible news on his own.

 _But that’s selfish. It’s selfish to bring Johann in just so I don’t have to be alone in_ his _suffering. It’s also selfish to go through these calls alone, ‘cause then Johann doesn’t know the full extent of what he’s going through. Am I just a selfish person?_ Avi was so lost in thought, he almost forgot to listen to Lucas’s explanation.

“When there is no body to conduct the spell on, a name must be given instead. So we, uh, took a flock of pigeons. Ten, to be exact. When we got them, we named only half of them. So as we, uh, god this sounds bad… when we ‘got rid’ of them, we kept half the corpses, and terminated the ones with names. So we could determine the effectiveness of not only a bigger and smarter subject, but also the usage of a body or not.”

“Gross.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Lucas huffed. He looked as distraught as Avi, and he didn’t even attempt to hide it. “Our results were, um, bad. As you could guess, since I’m telling you bad news! To get to the point—” he gulped and glanced down at the living rodent on his desk— “out of the ones that had bodies, four of them came back alive, only one of them having major complications that could debilitate them.”

Lucas paused, and Avi was aware that he would have to push him for answers. _I don’t want these answers. I don’t want any of these answers if they’re just gonna hurt me. I don’t want this,_ Avi told himself. “And the other five?” he pressed on, the shake in his voice impossible to hide. “How many made it out alive?”

“…One.”

Just a single number. A single number shattered Avi’s heart to pieces. Even then, he tried to ignore it. After a bout of silence, Avi shook his head, his breathing had quickened to the point of hyperventilation. “It’s— it’s something. One. It’s a _chance._ A chance is all we need, Lucas, you can work from a chance, can’t you? You can develop this, I know you can.”

“Avi, you know that we will work hard on this. Please— please calm down. Tell me about Johann. You can tell me about him, right?” Lucas tried to distract Avi from spiraling. “You can tell me the good news first. Tell me about him! How has he been doing?” There’s a strange desperation in his voice, like he would rather be anywhere else but there. Avi couldn’t blame him.

But Avi could talk about Johann. Of course he could— Johann took up his entire life. He would even go so far to say that he _was_ his entire life at that point. “He, um, he’s just trying to stay here lately. He says— he says he’s been ‘drifting’? And he’s been getting blurry again, but it’s a little hard to tell ‘cause I haven’t seen him as much lately! I’ve been busy, I’m sure you can imagine. Other than that… we’ve just been talking to each other about a lot of things,” Avi explained, the anxious shake in his voice gradually falling in the last statement.

Lucas took to his notepad to write down what Avi was saying, and it suddenly felt just like all the other calls beforehand. “Drifting, blurry… uh-huh, okay. Good to know. Is that supposed to be the good news? Or do I have to expect something even worse?” he asked, looking up with a mildly concerned face. 

“That was the bad news. I don’t think I necessarily have… _good_ news? It’s kind of hard to have good news when he hurt Magnus a lot, even if I did allow him to. Even then, he kind of… _is_ my good news. Just the fact that he’s around is good enough for me,” Avi admitted. He glanced away from his camera, his eyes straying to the bright moonlight coming through his window. 

“Okay, wow. Sounds like you guys have gotten close over these past few months, huh?”

“Mm… I guess you could say that,” Avi shrugged. “It was kind of inevitable though, don’tcha think? Like, of course we got close. Living together for months just leaves a lot of space for people to grow fond of each other. Even in this kind of situation, it was kind of bound to happen.” The words fell from his lips with an air of exhaustion, like the night was pulling his feelings from his heart to his tongue. 

The awkward noise of Lucas clearing his throat brought Avi’s attention back to his laptop. “That’s… _one_ way to put it. Heh, I didn’t think you could get so mushy. You make it sound like you fell in love with the poor guy,” he tried to crack a silly joke. A joke that wasn’t supposed to be taken seriously, or even be true in the slightest. A joke that was supposed to be the farthest thing from reality, at least in Lucas’s eyes. A joke that was just that— a joke. Not an accurate statement.

Avi knew he had to deny it, and it had to be in a joking way. Too serious, and Lucas would have caught on too quickly. It couldn’t be hard to come up with a lie again. He had gotten so good at it! He had just done it a few moments ago— but his muscles were locked tight. It felt like time stood still, all because of a joke that hit too close to home. Avi’s mouth hung open, hesitant to get that lie out. 

That little bit of hesitance was all Lucas needed for the gears to work in his brain. Once it clicked, a terrible look of shock and pure despair came across his face. It almost rivalled Killian’s look of fear when she witnessed Avi’s arm, except he couldn’t help but notice a hint of anger amongst his despair. Lucas hissed through gritted teeth before Avi could say anything, “Avi, you’re _not_ serious with me right now, are you? You have to be kidding. You— you’re not serious. You don’t _actually…_ ”

“Of— uh, fuck. Lucas, it’s not like that! Of course, I, I don’t—”

“You’re lying to me. I know you are!”

 _Oh, so_ this _is the lie that you can see through, huh?_ Avi groaned and refused to face Lucas, who continued to ramble, “Holy fucking _shit,_ Avi, do you— do you even know what the hell you’re doing? Like, you actually have a crush on a whole ass fucking _ghost,_ you realize that, right? You have a crush on some dude who died some one hundred, two hundred years ago, you’re fucking aware of that?”

Irritation got the best of Avi. It would have been better if he kept denying it, but to have Lucas of all people to question how he felt, that tipped him far away from reason. “Yes, I’m aware! What the hell does it matter to you? This isn’t even any of your business, you know that?” Avi turned to glare at Lucas, lost in his anger to be ashamed.

“Actually, this _is_ my fucking business. This is exactly my fucking business now. You’re telling me that over the course of a few months you gained a crush on a whole fucking ghost? That’s what you literally just— you just admitted it! You admitted to it like, like it was nothing!” Lucas yelled loud enough that Avi had to put down his volume. “Are you out of your mind? Did you even think this through? What the hell made you think this was okay??”

Avi scoffed, “Why are you acting like I chose to get a crush? Do you even know how the fuck crushes work?” 

“I know damn well how crushes work, believe it or not! And guess what? I’ve never gotten one on some ghost.”

What was Avi supposed to say to that? Obviously Lucas hadn’t. So instead of rebutting it, he just sighed and looked away again, not saying another word. They didn’t speak for a minute, both trying to process what they were talking about. _I should’ve just joked back. This is so fucking stupid, of course he would react this way. I don’t blame him, though. I just don’t get why that’s such a big deal. It’s not affecting him or anything. Why does it matter to him?_

The uncomfortable and mildly hostile silence stretched on for a little longer. However, Lucas was the one to break it with an exasperated sigh. “Look man…” Lucas cleared his throat, “I’m going to be completely and one hundred percent honest with you. Under no circumstances should you pursue this crush, and I advise that you kill it as quickly as possible. That— that’s gonna sound harsh, but it’s necessary, Avi.”

It took a little bit for the words to settle into Avi’s head, but once he did, a horrible rage bubbled deep within his heart. “What the fuck? Wh— what makes you think you can just demand me to let go of a crush?? Why _should_ I?” he scowled, doing all he could to keep himself under control. _I don’t get why you’re so upset! It’s stupid!_

Lucas’s face grew dark with anger, though clearly tried to hold back on blowing up just as much as Avi. “Please, Avi, when I say it’s necessary I _mean_ it. I’m not saying this to be mean! You— you have to consider what pursuing this crush actually means. For starters, you’re going after a ghost. I don’t think I even need to say why that’s crazy. And not to get too morbid, but have you considered what might happen if he _doesn’t_ make it out alive? You heard the possibility of him making it out. What are you gonna do when the guy you’re so weirdly infatuated with dies again in front of you? What _then,_ Avi?” 

Though his questions hit Avi like a bullet, over and over again, Lucas kept going, “It’s unnecessary pain! I mean, of course it’s going to hurt even if you don’t have a crush on him, but to have this certainty that he will make it and try to pursue a relationship when the chances are so low is just gonna be so much more painful.” His teeth grit together as he spoke, and Avi couldn’t help but feel like Lucas had been itching to say those words.

“I mean, seriously. Wouldn’t it be easier to… date someone, you know, is alive? I feel like that should be the bare minimum. Someone who has a much higher chance of _not_ dying via necromantic practices! Someone who is at least— at least tangible! Who you can hold! Someone—”

“Someone who isn’t Johann?” Avi grumbled.

“Yes!! Exactly!” Lucas huffed and threw his hands over his face, letting out a frustrated yell. “You get where I’m coming from, right? I’m not… doing this to be mean. It’s just— it’ll be easier on you. I’m doing this for you!” he insisted and looked up, that desperate look in his eyes again replacing his anger. “You just never know what will happen with this, Avi. So please listen to me on this.”

It took a while for a reply to come out. Lucas’s words twisted and curdled in Avi’s chest, so painful and harsh he almost slammed his laptop shut, just like he did with Killian. Throughout his unusual exploration of his feelings for Johann, not once did he confront the idea that he _wouldn’t_ make it out alive. Perhaps the thought lingered in the back of his head as a crazy _what-if_ , but never did he think it was truly a possibility. Avi didn’t _let_ himself think that way. He actively chose to ignore that possibility. So for Lucas to take such a fear and flaunt it in his face when he was supposed to be helping him…

“That— that doesn’t matter!! Holy shit dude, are you _that_ fucking insecure with your own magic shit that you honestly think Johann isn’t gonna come out alive? If I knew you were this unsure of your own shit, maybe I wouldn’t have put so much trust in you,” Avi spat. He knew he could dig deeper, he knew he could poke at every single thing that Lucas did that pissed him off, but Avi held himself back, if only a little bit. 

“And again, this shit is frankly none of your business. I didn’t fucking ask for your opinion, nor did I ask for any of your shitty advice! You have no business in who I love! That includes the bad decisions! ‘Cause guess what? The people I love don’t concern you, and it never fucking will!

“You _will_ make sure he comes out alive. You _will_ stay out of my fucking business regarding this. If I catch you mentioning any of this to Johann in any of our calls or the day you arrive, I’m calling the whole thing off. If you even think of giving me any more of this shitty, unwarranted advice, I’d rather you stay in Goldcliff and never talk to me ever again. If you want to keep being my friend— and you’re on thin ice— then _shut the fuck up._ Got that?”

If Lucas had looked distressed before, it was nowhere near comparable to the state he was in when Avi had finished speaking. He looked devastated, as if each of Avi’s words brought pain to him. However, he didn’t let himself be silent. Lucas hid his hurt expression with a shake of his head. “If that’s your choice—” his voice cracked with an audible, bitten-back sob— “then fine. Fine! So be it. I’ll work… I’ll work harder on making sure things come out right. But I need you to know that I can never guarantee what happens to Johann. That’s the one thing I can’t do: guarantee.”

 _You’ll do it. I know you will. You_ have _to,_ Avi wanted to say, but the words never left his mouth. Lucas took in a shaky breath and gave Avi a tired, sad glance. “Goodnight, Avi,” he muttered and hung up afterwards. In a strange way, it made Avi upset that he couldn’t have the last word, and his fingered itched to call him back just so he could yell a little more. His body burned with intensifying anger, the words tore at the back of his throat to be let out, his blood alive with ire.

Avi sat on his bed, dwelling on that anger. It boiled in his skin, his nerves alight with the rage that Lucas brought upon him for questioning the one thing that was even _keeping him alive—_

A short bang on his window distracted Avi from his feelings for just a second. He turned to the sound and squinted in the darkness to see what made the noise. Although he wasn’t exactly sure what he was expecting, when Avi’s eyes adjusted to the pitch dark, that familiar feathered face was the last thing he expected. Its features were almost impossible to make out in the dark, but the small amount of glimmer of moonlight on its feathers brought out its silhouette enough for Avi to figure it out.

It felt like a mockery. It felt like that damn raven was mocking Avi in his most vulnerable times, watching over him like death itself. It stood at the edge of his window, its beak pecking into the window in a way that sounded like knocking. A request to come in. Even then, it was patient, like it knew that one day it would get inside inevitably. _That’s a weird thing to think about a bird,_ Avi said to himself, but he knew in his own way that it wasn’t just a bird anymore.

But staring into those dark eyes does nothing to bring down his anger. That mocking _peck, peck, peck_ did anything but make anything better. “Fuck off,” Avi growled, his hand mindlessly grabbing the pillow behind him. 

_Peck, peck, peck._

“Fuck off!” 

Before Avi was even aware what was in his hands, he sent the pillow flying into the window. It hit the glass with a lot more force than he expected. When it dropped to the ground, Avi noticed that the raven disappeared, but couldn’t see any indication that it had flown off. It looked more that it had melted into the darkness of rainy midnight, or simply disappeared into thin air without a trace.

Whichever one it was, Avi couldn’t care less. He couldn’t even care to pick up his pillow from the ground below the window. He slammed his laptop shut for the second time that month and shoved it off his lap onto his bedside table. All he could bring himself to do was hide his face in his hands and groan into it. Avi slowly set his back down onto his bed where his pillow used to be, in an attempt to let himself rest from that conversation. 

As he did, Avi felt a soft lump beneath him. When he sat back up to check on it, the unmistakable song of _Sweden_ played. He took the Voidfish into his hands and dug his thumbs into the plush bell. The way the plush sunk with his fingers comforted him. _I don’t remember putting you under there,_ he thought. _You’re usually with Johann. He doesn’t like to let go of you anymore._

Johann. Now that his anger ebbed from him, taking that heat with it, Avi noticed that the violin that played before the call had stopped and that his room was cold. _Did he hear us? Does he know?_ he questioned himself. He wanted to call out to Johann, ask him what he heard, beg for his warmth, but something told Avi that Johann wasn’t out there. That he was resting, just like Avi lied about earlier.

Somewhere, deep in his skin, Avi expected warmth. He expected familiar hot arms to wrap around him, a voice filled with melancholy to question what happened, a presence to feel and anchor him back to reality. Was that unfair to expect? Was it too much for Avi to ask for, for the world to put them in a time and place where that expectation wasn’t so outlandish? All he expected was Johann to be there for him, sat upon his bed, his arms around his aching and tired body.

But Avi knew that Johann needed his rest just as much as he did. He let his expectations die with his anger and instead brought the Voidfish to his chest as he laid back down. Avi clung to it, taking in that smoky scent Johann rubbed off on it, and let himself rest. 

“Can we talk?”

Those words felt foreign in Avi’s mouth as he spoke them, but he pushed them out, anyway. He knew he had to, eventually. Though he didn’t expect to have said them while laying on the ground of his living room, his eyes locked on the ceiling, he knew he would say them at some point that month. He turned to face Johann, who was playing a gentle piece while he stared out the living room window into the spring afternoon.

“Talk? What would you like to talk about?” Johann stopped his music and glanced down at Avi. Amusement sparkled in his blurry eyes as he looked over how silly Avi looked on the floor. “Must we talk while you’re all the way down there?” he asked and cocked an eyebrow playfully. 

“I would prefer it, yeah,” Avi grinned, but it faltered slightly when he remembered what he wanted to talk about. “I’ve been putting it off for a while, but we really need to talk about… about a lot of things. Specifically, what happened with Magnus? I don’t think I can just let this conversation slip any longer than it already has. I hope you understand that, Johann.”

As quickly as that playful expression on Johann’s face came, it dropped as Avi explained what he wanted to talk about. “Oh, right. That. To be quite honest with you, I thought you would have forgotten at this point. I can’t blame you for not forgetting, though,” he sighed and let his violin and bow drop to his side. 

Avi hummed to himself, his eyes focused on the ceiling so he wouldn’t have to face Johann. He said, “I didn’t— I didn’t want to talk about it. I still don’t want to, but I’m trying to be more responsible. And I think talking to you about it before I go talk to Magnus might do the both of us some good. If… if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s okay. I get it,” Johann shrugged and moved away from the window to get closer to Avi. “So, um… what is there to talk about? Do you just want me to apologize? ‘Cause, uh, I’m sorry about that. I thought it was what you wanted, at least at the time.”

“I didn—” Avi groaned and covered his face, “Okay. I just want to know why you were so upset when I brought him here. And— and _why_ you hurt him. I know I encouraged that second part, but why did you initiate it? I, I feel terrible about it now. Did I tell you how scared he is of me because of it? He thinks I’m some fucked up wizard or whatever the hell. I just need to know why you were acting the way you were that day.” He sounded tired as he spoke. It physically pained him to speak like that to Johann, but he needed answers.

The reluctance to answer was obvious in the pause that came after. “You want the truth? All right. Truthfully, I was scared. Angry, too. I didn’t want him to be in my home. Every time I— I look at him, and think of you running to him during the party. I think of you running away in _fear_ of me. I think of him stepping on my violin, the only thing keeping me in this plane. Do you know how painful that was? Nothing has ever been more painful, not even my actual death. To have your entire soul shatter and splinter under the weight of someone who didn’t even know you existed…” Johann’s body trembled as he thumbed the crack on his cheek. 

“And then I think of him trying to fix my violin. Tried to fix his mistake before he brought me back to you. Tried to undo the damage he had done. Oh, but every time he tried to fix something, it felt like I was falling apart. I screamed and yelled at him, made his entire house as hot as possible just to get him to stop, but he never heard me. He just kept _hurting me._ And then he gave up on me, took me back to you with such a horrifying disappointment in his movements. Handed me over to you like an item, lied and said, _Must’ve been knocked around when people were running away_.”

Johann glared down at Avi, pain more clear on his face. “Am I supposed to just pretend like seeing him doesn’t make me angry? He is the first person to have genuinely injured me ever since I died, I think I’m allowed to get upset when I see him,” he huffed and crossed his arms.

“I’m— I’m so sorry.”

“No, no. Though he reminds me of… such terrible pain, I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. I shouldn’t have hurt him, and I’m sorry that I did. I mean that from the bottom of my heart,” Johann apologized and hovered next to Avi. 

They remained like that for a while. The two of them needed to process what each other had said, and they did so in silence. Avi wondered how much of their time together was spent in comfortable, thoughtful silence. Was it too much? Would one day Avi would regret not speaking more to the one he loved? Would Johann be truly gone one day, and there would be no more thoughtful silence, no more loving glances—

 _No. Don’t think like that. Nothing bad is going to happen,_ Avi lectured himself. _We have time. We will have time until I’m the one who is running out of it._

Even then, Avi’s thoughts scared him enough to speak up. “Do you ever think we’re the only ones?” he blurted out, and he looked almost surprised by his own words, but he felt compelled to keep talking. “Like… Do you think we’re the only people to go through something like this? A ghost and some random college student? Trying to bring a ghost back to life?”

Johann also seemed taken aback by the question, but his face softened as he thought for a moment. “Yes, I think about this a lot. I’ve decided that, no, we can’t be the only ones,” his eyes locked with Avi’s, “I think it must have happened to someone else, at some point.”

“Do you think they succeeded?”

“I… I’m not sure. There are so many possible answers. I have thought through every single one that I can think of— it’s one of the only things that keep me occupied,” Johann’s hands played with each other nervously. “However, if they did exist, I hope they lived a good life. Both of them. Maybe together, maybe not. Maybe they stayed together, maybe they went down separate paths. I just hope things went well for them. And if this were to happen in the future, another ghost meeting another living guy, and they have this same conversation, I hope things will have gone well for us at that point.”

Avi hummed and threw his arms around himself, a sigh leaving his mouth. He whispered, “If they existed or not… I guess it doesn’t matter, does it? They’re probably gone now, but _we_ exist. We’re real. That’s gotta mean something, doesn’t it? Whether we’re the first or the last guy-and-ghost duo to try and escape death doesn’t matter. Either way, we’re making history, aren’t we?”

“History that will just be hidden away by Lucas once this is all said and done. It’s not like we can go publish our story or anything… It’ll only be us who will remember what is happening right now.”

“Who cares if it’s history only we will know about? We’ll know it happened. We’re the only one who needs to know what happened.”

Keeping eye contact with him, Johann shifted closer towards Avi. “I guess you’re right. You’re usually right,” he mumbled. He got so close he basically hovered above Avi, just inches away from him. So close that Johann practically stole his breath, both figuratively and literally. It was getting hard to breathe, but neither of them seemed to notice.

 _It’s so hot,_ Avi realized, _but I think I like it that way. I like it when it comes from you. Is that weird? I hope it isn’t. Normal couples think like that. I— we’re not a couple. Not yet. Not at all? I don’t think you know I love you. Did you ever hear my calls? I hope you didn’t. I want to tell you on my own. Even if you don’t like me back. I just want you to know. I want you to know that I love you. I want to say it. So, so badly._

“Once you’re back to life— and you _will_ come back to life— no one will have to know about what happened,” Avi insisted. “This whole thing will be behind us, and you’ll live out the life you were supposed to live. Even better, actually. I promise.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep.”

“I _know_ this will happen. It has to. You’re my goal, remember?” Avi laughed, but it sounded bitter and desperate. “I don’t know what I’d do without my goal. Without _you,_ Johann.” His laughter sunk into the bottom of his heart, and he focused enough on Johann to see a faint look of concern, perhaps even guilt on his face. 

However, Avi didn’t get the time to point it out, as the expressions left as soon as he noticed them. Instead, Johann sighed and rested his hands on the sides of Avi’s torso, which gained an immediate gasp from him. “J— Johann! Heh, uh, what??” questioned Avi, whose heart pounded in his chest from such a simple touch. The feeling of those warms hands upon him never ceased to set his skin on fire and ripple with goosebumps. 

“I’ve never given you a proper hug, now have I?” Johann pointed out, more of a statement rather than a question. He didn’t even mention what Avi said before, like he was attempting to change the subject. “It… won’t be the same. I don’t think I could give you a proper hug at this point in time, but I just wanted to try it out, if that’s fine with you? Oh, I should’ve asked first, I apol—”

“No!” Avi shouted a little too loudly. After noticing the volume of his voice, he quieted down. “I mean, you don’t have to apologize. Please, I, I would like a hug. Yeah. I don’t— I don’t care if it isn’t ‘proper,’ I just, I… need…” Though he had so much more to say, Avi’s sentence trailed off before he could finish. He found it hard to concentrate on anything when Johann’s hands were against his shirt, so agonizingly close to his skin. 

A smile made its way to Johann’s face as he looked down at Avi. He didn’t have to say anything as he got his arms tight against Avi’s torso and let himself rest on top of him. Despite the experience being nothing but heat, a shiver travelled down Avi’s spine as he felt the weight of Johann’s body on his. If he were to close his eyes, he could imagine that Johann wasn’t a ghost at all with how much he felt alive so close to him.

Instinctively, Avi’s arms moved to wrap around Johann, but it only gained a shake of the head from the latter. “Don’t,” Johann said, “Don’t try. You can’t hug me back. It’s taking a lot of effort to do this right now, and I know Lucas said to minimize the amount we hold each other, but I think we’ve earned a hug. Both of us.”

 _Fuck Lucas. I don’t care what he has to say about this._ Avi let out a shaky exhale and savoured the feeling of another person being so close to him. “I think… yeah, I think we have,” he breathed out, his heart still pounding so loudly in his chest that he could feel and hear it in his own ears.

Johann must have noticed the increase of speed of his heartbeat because he quickly snuggled closer to Avi’s chest to press his ear right above where his heart would be. “Can I stay here for a little bit? I still really like to feel your heartbeat.” 

“Y- Yes,” Avi’s voice cracked when he spoke. It was only then that he noticed his sight had grown blurry, and he didn’t need to wipe his eyes to know that he had begun to cry. “Yes, Johann. You can stay.” _Please stay. Please._

Avi stared at the ceiling with tears streaming down his cheeks, engulfed in his heat. Though fate was not kind enough to place them in a time where they were both alive, Avi would tear the tapestry of fate apart to create the world that it had not given them. And the seams were growing loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bro was that fucked up or what? anyways stay yearning.


	11. honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June is a heated month. Avi dreams again, apologies ensue, Midsummer is celebrated, and a raven listens. It always listens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remind me why I decided going by months in this fic was a good idea? I’m writing a summer chapter in autumn. however, Midsummer is close enough to Halloween! So Happy Halloween to those who celebrate, and if u don’t, have a Sexy Saturday!  
> anyways, fair warning, there’s a heavy use of italics during this first part! stay safe and enjoy :)

_A soft pair of arms enveloped across Avi’s chest from behind, along with a chin making its place on his shoulder. He was sitting at his desk, a quill in his hand and in the middle of writing something that he couldn’t quite make out. Avi let out a dramatic groan when he felt those arms around him and that familiar giggle so close to his pointed ears._

_Wait, but Avi didn’t have pointed ears. He didn’t even have a desk, his apartment was too small for that, much less his room. Who writes with a quill anymore? Why was that giggle familiar if he had never heard it before in his life? His hands weren’t even his hands, Avi noticed. They looked too small to be his. They couldn’t be his._

_“Johann, it’s getting late. You should start heading to bed,” a familiar, but not too familiar voice whispered into Avi’s ear. It was not his ear. The sensation of Avi’s head cocking to the side without his control was one he only felt once, but he remembered it instantly._

I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming of Johann's memories again.

_A dark elf that Avi hadn’t seen before rested her head on his— no, Johann’s shoulder. She wore a loose, white nightgown that reminded Avi of those period dramas he would see on T.V. “Ren, it’s hardly late. Besides, I’m almost finished with this piece. I’ll get to you and the others in a minute, okay? Don’t you worry about it,” Johann said, his free hand reaching up to cup the cheek of the drow Avi learned was Ren._

You mentioned her once. While we were cleaning up my room, _Avi remembered it like it was yesterday._ This has to be before you died, then.

_“About that… Sloane and Hurley are out cold. Brian’s trying to wait for you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fallen asleep by now, too,” Ren laughed and leaned into Johann’s hand. She had such a big and lovely smile, although Avi could see how it faltered with exhaustion. “Please, Johann, it’s late. I know you’re tired as well. You’ve got that look in your eye that says so, and I know you better than you know yourself.”_

_Avi can feel Johann doing his signature eye roll, something that makes him feel fuzzy. Johann sighed and let his hands drop to his lap, “Of course you do. You know everything about everyone.”_

_“You sound upset. What’s on your mind?”_

_“This,” Johann brought the scrolls he was writing on up to their faces. Avi couldn’t understand sheet music, but just like how the position of the violin felt normal to him last time, he could somehow piece together the notes and the music it made in his head. “You know. For my big break,” he elaborated. The stress that rolled over Avi came in terrible, enormous waves, mirroring the stress Johann felt before he died._ I guess he’s always been so stressed.

 _Ren scoffed and tugged on Johann’s ear, which gained a muffled yelp of pain from both the recipient and Avi._ Why does it have to hurt me, too? _Avi wanted to complain, but it never made it out. “Oww. What was that for??” Johann grumbled and rubbed the ear that she pinched._

 _“This was supposed to be a_ fun _sleepover, and you’ve spent a good chunk of it holing yourself up in your own room. If you didn’t want us over, then why would you let us hang out just for you to avoid us?”_

_“I didn’t suggest this! Brian did.”_

_“But you let us stay at your place. You could have declined.”_

_“Yes, but I— Ow!! Stop doing that!” Johann hissed and swatted away Ren’s hand from his ear. “Look, dear, I’m sorry. I really am. I… I didn’t realize how much time I spent working on this. It’s just, you know, this is very important to me. I have the rest of my life to hang out with you guys, but the chance I’m being given right now is once in a lifetime, Ren. I’m sure you can handle me missing one sleepover.”_

_Avi’s heart ached at Johann’s words, and he wanted nothing more than to scream._ No, Johann, please hang out with your friends. Please stop avoiding them. This performance isn’t worth it, _he wanted to say, but how could he? It was all in the past now, and Johann had died. That was the only reason the two of them even met._

_That thought scared Avi. While he loved Johann with his entire heart, the thing that led to their paths crossing was Johann’s horrific death, and the lonely suffering that came after it. If Johann didn’t die, he would’ve lived a happier life, but Avi would’ve never met him._

Don’t think about that. Don’t think about things you can’t change.

_Another breath against Johann’s ear pulled Avi out of his thoughts. Ren said, “I know it is. Big important performance at the Legato Conservatory. That’s in a whole ‘nother part of the continent, all the way in Tesseralia, Johann. If you do make it in, and you’re made famous or whatever, you won’t get to see us very often. So please, come sleep with us? We’re all in a big cuddle pile, just waiting for you.”_

Legato Conservatory? That’s where Johann was going to perform?

_Johann’s neutral expression naturally grew into a small smile, one that he tried to hide by leaning into his propped up arm. “Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tear myself away from my work if that’s what’s awaiting me, miss,” his cheeks flush so hard that Avi could feel his skin on fire._

_The response gained a contagious giggle from Ren, who nuzzled deeper into the crook of Johann’s neck. “Is that all it takes for you to cave in? The promise of cuddles with your friends? Maybe we should have more of these sleepovers if that’s the case,” she pulled away and yanked Johann’s chair away from the desk, which made him gasp and clutch his sheet music with a tight grip._

_“A warning would’ve been nice!”_

_“Oops, sorry. Didn’t think about that.”_

_Johann shook his head, but there was no stress in it. It was more of a playful motion. “When do you ever think, Ms. Mol’diira?” he teased and placed his scrolls onto his desk as he stood up. When he was sure they were nice and tidy, Johann turned to face Ren. Avi wasn’t sure what he expected him to do, but pressing his lips against her cheek wasn’t exactly what he had in mind._

_“Only on special occasions,” Ren joked right back, then placed a soft kiss on Johann’s cheek in return. There weren’t any fluttery feelings in his chest, and it hardly felt like a big moment. It felt casual, a small act of love between two friends. Avi couldn’t help but miss this casually intimate feeling he would have with his group of friends._

You must have been really close with these people, _Avi sighed internally._ A selfish thought, I know, but I hope one day we get to do this. You know, kiss. I think that would be nice. Platonic or not. I mean, I’d prefer romantic, but… I guess it’d take a miracle for someone like you, who has gone through so much, to like someone like me. 

Is this weird to think about while your friend gives you a kiss? 

...

I guess it doesn’t matter. All of this is weird. Besides, you can’t hear me. I’m just waiting for this to end.

_“So, shall I lead the way?” Ren offered her arm to Johann, a goofy grin that illuminated her face plastered on her lips. “Don’t make me get my rod. You know I will not hesitate to use it, even on you!”_

_Johann cleared his throat nervously, “Yes, I’m— I’m pretty aware of that fact.” He looped his arm right into Ren’s with a swiftness that showed that they had done it multiple times. They walked outside of Johann’s room, and Avi felt a longing in his— no, not really his— chest to sit back down on his desk to continue writing that he pushed himself to ignore. “No magic rod in my house, though. I kind of want to live long enough to at least make it to the doors of the Conservatory, hah.”_

Yikes.

_Ren didn’t respond immediately, but before they walked into what Avi guessed was a rather large living room, she stopped walking and faced Johann. “I know you don’t like to think about your future other than being known throughout history, but… what you said about us having our lifetime to be together, so this Legato stuff is more serious? Please don’t say that. You really never know how much time we will have together, or in this world, so I want you to live your life to the fullest with us,” she replied, her voice tinged with sadness._

_“I don’t want you spending your life being stressed and hunched up in your room like that. So please, make the effort to hang out with us. I mean it.”_

_Avi knew he felt that same existential sadness that Ren felt. The way she stared into Johann’s eyes so deeply that Avi felt like she was staring straight at him, he really knew that he felt exactly how she did. However, that feeling was almost drowned out by Johann’s overwhelming emotion of boredom and annoyance, like he was getting a lecture from his mother rather than genuine worry from such a close friend._

_“Yes, yes, I understand your worry,” Johann muttered, obviously trying to avoid the conversation and find the best answer for Ren to drop it. “I’ll try my best, okay? Don’t worry about my life. I’ll make sure I’ll live it as long as possible with you guys.”_

_The two of them grew quiet in that moment. Even Avi didn’t have the courage to think to himself, afraid that somehow, it would disturb the tension they had. That tension fell apart as Johann noticed Ren’s eyes had watered and her lips trembled as she fought back tears. He leaned in to give her another kiss, this time on the forehead. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I know this topic can get you riled up, but everything’s fine. I’m still here, yeah?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“Good. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want you to worry about some possibility of me dying anytime soon. So, why don’t we go do what you wanted me to do, and join the others to sleep? I’ll… I’ll refrain from my Conservatory performance stuff for a couple days if that will make you feel better.”_

_Ren didn’t say another word after that. She nodded in silence and tugged Johann’s arm towards the living room once again, which he obediently followed. In the middle of the large living room that Avi noticed was much bigger than his, was a large pile of blankets, duvets and people on the ornate floor. Avi could spot Brian’s legs and arms poking out through some sheets. Beside Brian, he noticed two lumps, one much taller than the other, neatly snuggled up together. They looked like younger versions of the famous Raven and Ram._

_Arm in arm, the two of them joined the pile. Ren made her place right next to Brian with a small yawn. Johann didn’t make a spot for himself instantly. For a second, he looked over his friends in the shade of black and white his darkvision provided. Avi felt Johann’s mouth turn into the dorkiest smile he had ever felt as he stared at his friends cuddling together, and some part of him wished he could see that grin rather than just feel it. A warm feeling of love filled his entire body— a love Avi recognized from the one felt when he hung out with his friends: Magnus, Killian, and Carey._

I should apologize to Magnus soon. To all of them. For everything. 

_“Mm… you coming, Johann?”_

_“Yes, I’m here, dear.” Johann wiggled his way in between Ren and Brian. “Goodnight, guys… I love you,” he whispered the last part, so quiet it was surprising it even came out as an audible sound._

_Ren, the only one still awake, muttered back, “I love you too, Johann. We all do.”_

I love you, too, _Avi confessed. He confessed with his entire heart, so loud he could go deaf as he could feel Johann’s body loosen up to sleep in this lost memory._ It’s a different love, but I love you. I love you, Johann. I really, really love you.

Sweat dripped down Avi’s forehead as he jolted out of his sleep. His entire room is boiling hot, even with his sheets and weighted blankets strewn across the floor. It’s so hot, Avi couldn’t tell if it was from the new summer weather, the supernatural heat Johann emitted, or a mixture of both.

Avi stumbled out of his bed to push his window open, the cool early morning air brushing against his burned arm and sweaty skin. The beginnings of sunlight peeked through the Neverwinter skyline, but he couldn’t care less about the Sunshine as he tried to cool his body off. He panted and wiped his forehead multiple times until he could feel his heartbeat slow down until it reached its normal heart rate.

“Holy shit…” Avi mumbled under his breath. He tucked his hair behind his ears to keep it from falling from his face, but a few strands kept falling from how long they were. The situation gave him déjà vu, with how many times he woke up all hot and burning up. When he was sure he had cooled off enough, Avi sat down on his bed. His chest heaved with every breath, like he was struggling to get the air into his lungs, even though he felt physically fine. 

A few minutes passed by where Avi didn’t say a word. Just him and the haunting noise of his own heartbeat pounding in his ear. Eventually he collected himself, and he turned to the side of his bed where Johann’s violin rested on the nightstand. He hesitated for a second, but shook off his anxieties and reached for the instrument. His fingers curled around the fingerboard as softly as they possibly could, treating it like the delicate object it was.

The rosewood was warm to the touch, its heat fueled by the spirit that rested inside it. Avi knew Johann was in there. There came a point in time where he just knew when Johann was outside of it, doing whatever it is that a ghost does in a shitty Neverwinter apartment. Even with this knowledge in mind, Avi felt awkward speaking to it, fearful that Johann would not be listening to it. 

“Hey, Johann,” Avi greeted, his voice shaky and hoarse. He hadn’t realized how dry his throat was until he spoke. “Shit, um… If you can hear me, you don’t have to come out. I, uh, know you’ve been getting exhausted more often. I know you like to chill in there when you get exhausted.”

The violin didn’t respond. _Obviously, it’s an instrument,_ Avi reminded himself.

“Well, um… I just wanted to let you know that I had another… dream-memory thing of yours.”

Immediately following Avi’s words, the heat of the violin flared up at such a noticeable speed that he knew Johann was listening. He debated on asking him to come out to make this conversation easier, but he held back. _He’s tired. He can come out whenever he chooses._

“It was, um, it wasn’t anything dramatic like your death again. Your friends— Ren, Brian, Sloane, and Hurley— they were having a sleepover at your place. You were working on that song you used to play all the time. The one for your… your big performance, the one you were practicing for the day you died?” Avi’s finger trailed down the body of the violin as he explained his dream, his touch almost feathery. The violin grew even hotter as he applied that touch. 

“You were avoiding your friends with how focused you were on your work. Ren had to come tear you away from your desk just so you could sleep with your friends.”

Avi thumbed the cracks near the top of the violin. “Your performance was for the Legato Conservatory. Did you remember that, Johann?” he asked. He didn’t expect an answer, and he didn’t get one. Not one that he could hear, at least. “You know, where the hot shots go to become just that. The gig that you get to become big. I’m not even a musician and I know that.”

In his rambling, Avi brought the violin closer to his torso, though he left enough room for him to continue tracing over the damages and blemishes the instrument had gotten over the gruelling centuries. “You were so close to getting in there, Johann. So close. It… it hurts me just to think about. About your friends, your death… everything. I don’t know how you’ve made it this long without just giving up,” he sighed.

“I can’t stop thinking about your friends, though. You were avoiding them like you had all the time in the world, but you didn’t. You didn’t, and they’re gone now. You didn’t even get to say goodbye.” Tears welled up in Avi’s eyes, and he tried hard not to let them fall. “They— they loved you, Johann. You loved them, too. And I know you didn’t know you were going to die, I would never blame you for that, but… why would you avoid them like that? They care... _cared_ about you, Johann,” he sniffled and wiped his eyes with his free hand. The other one never let go of the violin.

Suddenly, the heat from the violin slipped away from Avi’s grasp. Almost as if it had been sucked out by some cosmic force. However, before Avi could freak out, that small tongue-click that he learned to love reached his ears. “I think it’s funny how hypocritical you can be, even accidentally,” Johann laughed, but it came out dry and humourless.

‘Blurry’ wasn’t a strong enough word to describe what Johann looked like. The edges of his body were extra fuzzy as he moved closer to Avi, particles flowing behind him like ash with every movement. Some parts of him even looked akin to T.V static, more noticeably around his hands. Johann’s form was visibly falling apart.

“I’m… what?” It was hard to get the words out when all Avi could do was stare at Johann’s body. 

“Look, I’m sorry you had to see that. I can’t exactly remember that day, but… Fuck, man, I’ve spent most of my time mourning for my friends. I mourn the time I could’ve spent with them. I’ve had years to come into terms with their deaths, and,” Johann’s form flickered as he held back a sob, and Avi almost choked from the shock wave of heat coming from the ghost, “and it still _hurts_. It hurts so much. It hurts to be forgetting what they looked like and our times together. It hurts to know I’ll probably never know what they looked like when they grew old and have families, if they even did. And I don’t want that to happen to you, Avi.”

Some part of Avi wanted to apologize for even bringing up the subject of the dream, but he knew that would do no good at that point. “Why… why would it happen to me? I hope you’re not counting on me becoming a ghost anytime soon,” he chuckled, every part of it weak and depressing.

At that answer, Johann gave Avi a stern glare. He replied, “Did you think I counted on becoming a ghost when I was avoiding my friends for some distant chance at giving my life meaning? Avi, our lives aren’t all that different like you might think they are. Even if you don’t end up dying like I did, if you spend your time avoiding your friends like you do now… You’ll end up mourning the time you lost with them, too.” He brought his hand up to cracked cheek and traced the cracks like Avi did just before. “That’s why I want you to go apologize to Magnus when you can.”

Well, Avi couldn’t argue with that. He wanted to go apologize as much as any other person who knew about this fight with Magnus did. “If that’s what you think is best, then I’ll do it.”

“I don’t think so. I _know_ so,” Johann crossed his arms and turned away. “I also want you to start hanging out with your friends more often, just in general. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your classes have ended, you have no real excuse anymore. Speaking of classes, great work by the way. With a ghost entering your life and all this necromancy business that I pulled you into, I didn’t quite expect for you to get as good as you did. I… admire that.”

 _...Is Johann seriously haunting my fucking grades?_ The compliment stunned Avi into silence, and when he pulled himself together, the shock continued to shake his nerves. He had tried his best to keep his college work outside of his whole situation and away from Johann, seeing it as an unnecessary stressor to their already life. 

The entire school year was already a blur for him as he tried to think back to what he even did throughout the last few months. Exams happened, obviously they did, but Avi couldn’t remember anything specific. It felt like he had just floated by the whole college year on autopilot, his thoughts only ever on Johann and the terrible decisions he made along the way. 

_I don’t think that’s normal._

“How did you— how did you _know_ that??” Avi questioned with a now-straightened back to get defensive.

“Oh, come on, you always leave your stuff lying around, laptop wide open for anyone to see. Did you think I wasn’t going to find out? ...Was that a breach of privacy? I probably should’ve asked first, huh?” Johann put on an awkward half-smile. That smile was so contagious, Avi didn’t even fight the urge to smile back. 

“Yeah, kind of, but like, thanks?” mumbled Avi, who scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. “I’ll be sure to visit my friends more often, too. It might do me some good…” His sentence trailed off as he remembered an idea he had before falling asleep and going through that terrible dream. “I do have something I want to offer you, though.”

The mere mention of an offer caught Johann’s attention. “An offer? What could you possibly offer that could be any use to me?” he asked and sat beside Avi on the bed, though he made no effect on the shape of the sheets below him, like he held no weight. _That’s strange, usually he’d at least be able to affect my bed…_

Avi refused to dwell on that thought, instead he reminded himself on his offer he was about to give to Johann. “I was just… thinking of taking you out. Somewhere. For, uh, Midsummer. To see the eclipse? If that was okay with you, obviously. I just thought, y’know, you probably haven’t seen the eclipse in, like, centuries! So, what better than to bring you out to see one?” he stuttered as he spoke. 

Johann’s face lit up at the mention of Midsummer, and Avi swore that his figure became less blurry right afterwards. “You wanna take me out for Midsummer? Like, outside? The actual outside?” he repeated, as if the idea was foreign to him. 

“Why wouldn’t I? Remember last time we went out, and I promised I would bring you out more often? I’ve been kind of slacking off on that promise. Might as well try to make up for that.”

“I would love to,” Johann piped up with a genuine sparkle of joy in his eyes. It made Avi’s entire face feel all hot and tingly. However, that sparkle died in his eyes after he thought more about the idea presented to him. “But… no, we just talked about this. You should spend that with your friends, with Magnus. I don’t want to get in between your friends anymore, Avi. I don’t want to get in between the life I so rudely barged into.”

 _What? No, Johann, why would you think that? Don’t you know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Haven’t I told you that you’re my goal?_ It was all Avi could think about, but he could not vocalize it. “It’ll be fine, dude. I’ve gone to so many Midsummer parties with them, I’m sure they’ll understand. I just wanna share this one with you. First Midsummer out of that dusty old room, you think I’m gonna miss it?” he quipped, and his fingers absentmindedly trailed the cracks along the violin in his hands.

A visible flicker shook Johann’s body like a flame. “Ah— um, okay! Okay, okay, we can do that. I can’t, like, dress up as anything obviously, but I’ll go along,” he cleared his throat and rubbed his cracked cheek, “I’ll go with you. Only if you apologize to Magnus _tomorrow_. Even if he doesn’t forgive you, even if he tells you to get out, I want you to come back home and tell me you said the words ‘I’m sorry’ to his face. And I know you wouldn’t lie to me about this.”

 _Tomorrow? But that’s so soon. You said ‘when you can,’ just a bit ago._ It’s a whiney thought. Avi knew that as soon as it entered his head, so he didn’t voice it. All he said was, “Mm, yeah, okay. Sounds good. Maybe I’ll find a good costume on the way there… I don’t know. I actually didn’t plan a costume for this year, what with all of… this.”

“Maybe you can go as a ghost. We can be twinning,” Johann smiled into his hand at his own joke, obviously in an attempt to hold his laughter. Avi didn’t hide his at all, his wheezy laugh joyful enough that he seemed to forget all about the nightmare he had just gone through. Avi needed a good, hearty laugh, and he found that Johann was the only one who could bring it out of him right then and there.

“Perhaps I will! A ghost might be easier to do. We can go haunt the river together.” While he spoke, Avi’s fingers continued to draw little patterns along the side of the rosewood violin, and he hardly noticed how the room temperature seemed to increase. “I’m not too sold on it, though. Maybe I’ll just do something simple like a vampire, or a witch like Magnus oh so lovingly accused me of being, a depressed college student that’s dabbling too deep in necroma—”

Something must have snapped in Johann as Avi dug his finger a little too deep into a groove of the instrument. “You know I can _feel_ that, right? You know I can feel you poking me, especially the broken areas??” Johann barked. He looked visibly flustered as he stopped Avi in his tracks, though he looked more annoyed than embarrassed. 

_“_ Oh! Oh, shit— does that, uh, does that hurt?”

“Not— not really? Kind of? It’s like if I jabbed my finger into your funny bone area. It feels like a… it just feels weird. Like a weird, _phantom_ shiver.”

“How many ghost puns do you have??”

“I’ve had years to come up with them. You think this is all I have?”

Awkward laughter left their lips, but neither of them were too uncomfortable. “I’ll remember that for next time, if that makes you feel weird,” Avi placed the violin back on his nightstand next to its unopened case. If it didn’t need to stay in the case, the violin wasn’t in it. _It just feels better when it’s not cramped up in there. That’s my soul, you know,_ Johann would insist. 

Johann turned his head away from Avi to think for a couple seconds. He sighed and said, “It’s not a terrible weird, if that’s what you think. It’s just… I’m not too fond of people touching it, I guess.” 

_You say ‘people,’ but I know you just mean me. I’m the only one here._ “...I’ll remember that for next time,” Avi repeated, but with a smile on his face. “Right now, I think I have to start my day. The sun’s already gotten a lot higher than I originally saw it. I still have a life to live outside of this room.” He said that last sentence as if the fact were a burden to him. That he would give up everything he owned just to stay in his room with Johann forever.

“Yes, of course. Sorry to distract you—” _Don't apologize, I’d rather be with you than anyone else—_ “You go eat and stuff, dude.”

Avi didn’t respond to that. He wiped any sweat that remained on his face and pushed himself off the bed, one hand on the scars of his chest to feel the beat of his heart as he walked out of his room. The dream-memory was still fresh in Avi’s mind, but he ignored the thoughts of Johann’s long-dead friends to focus on the now-living friends of his own. Tomorrow he would have to finally apologize to Magnus, something he had been avoiding for weeks, but his reward would be a date with Johann. Well, not _really_ a date, but spending Midsummer with him was just as good.

_Great way to start off the morning._   
  


There’s never a straightforward way to apologize to someone when you’ve hurt them both physically and emotionally. The process of apologizing was almost always agonizing for both parties. Avi hoped he would never have to find that out the hard way, but he knew he was far past the point of hoping. 

_It’s been a while since I’ve been here,_ Avi realized while he stood in front of the door to Magnus’s house. A wave of guilt— not the first, but definitely not the last— crashed into him when he figured that out. He can’t recall the last time he had stood in front of that door for that long, because why would he? Why would he, when he would use the extra key Magnus had given him to barge right in whenever he wanted? But as he gathered the strength to ring the doorbell, Avi had no clue where that key could be within his apartment.

“Come on, you can do it,” Avi tried to hype himself up in a whisper. “The worst thing that can happen… he doesn’t, um, he doesn’t accept the apology… and he, and he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore! That, damn, that sucks and you don’t want that, but that would be his decision that he’s completely entitled to because you and your ghost crush basically burnt the shit out of his chest!” 

Noticing himself spiraling, Avi groaned and covered his face with his hands. “No, it’s fine. You haven’t even rung the doorbell,” he lifted his head and paced slightly, “you don’t know how he could react. It’s Magnus, for crying out loud. He’s your best friend.” A small bead of sweat fell on Avi’s brow the more he shifted in his spot, and he couldn’t tell if it was from stress or the heat of the blooming summer morning.

 _No more doubting. Just doing._ Avi did not even give his anxiety the satisfaction of a countdown or a silent prepping. He slammed his thumb onto the small button, momentarily fearful that he might have broken it, until he heard the echo of the bell ring behind the door. Some part of him regretted not dwelling on his fear a few minutes longer to stall some time, but the other part knew better. 

A response didn’t come right away. Each second dragged on almost infinitely, and with each second that familiar instinct in Avi’s legs that made him want to run away and forget about apologizing to Magnus face-to-face, but he planted his feet hard against the ground. _I’m not going anywhere,_ he asserted himself above his feelings. _Not when Johann wanted me to do this._

Footsteps. Avi’s ears he didn’t even notice were strained had picked up those faint, heavy footsteps against creaky floorboards he knew so well. _Really?? So quick? I don’t even know what I’m going to say!_ he tensed up, even though more than a handful of minutes had passed. It was funny how slowly time went by while he waited, only for it all to become a blur when Magnus walked up to his door.

Avi wasn’t sure exactly what he was expecting to see when the door opened, but a disheveled, exhausted Magnus in the heaviest hoodie and baggiest sweatpants he had ever seen that man wore was not it. The groggy expression on Magnus’s face was as noticeable as the new eye bags that looked foreign under his once bright eyes. He looked tired, and drained of his usual emotion. While Avi would deny the thought, any hint of it being immediately repressed, he couldn’t help but notice that Magnus looked almost exactly like him. 

That exhausted expression was quickly replaced with fear when Magnus finally processed who was in front of him. “Get away from me!” he yelled loud enough to startle Avi. Magnus moved quickly to slam the door in front of his face and lock it, but Avi shoved his hand on the door to keep it open. “Seriously, get the fuck away! I don’t need you cursing me or some shit!”

“Maggie, please, just let me talk for a bit! I’m not here to hurt you,” Avi insisted as he fought to keep the door open. Magnus had always been stronger than him in terms of brute force, but that didn’t mean Avi was weak in any form of the term.

“You had your chance to talk, and you made up your mind when you burnt the shit out of me! So why don’t you just _leave?_ ”

A sharp push nearly jolted Avi away, but he pressed his shoulder against the door and planted his feet harder on the ground. He shouted back, “I’m trying to apologize! What, you think I would do that stuff on accident and not apologize?” 

Something about Avi’s sentence must have shocked Magnus because after a second of struggling silence, he stepped away from the door and let it swing open. It almost sent Avi hurtling to the ground with the sudden lack of resistance, but he steadied himself on the doorway. “Accident?” Magnus mumbled, like he was surprised at the implication that what happened wasn’t on purpose. 

“You’re trying to tell me that whatever weird magic thing you did to burn me to where even the damn doctor I went to, to check it out didn’t have a _clue_ what could’ve caused such a burn… was an _accident_?” The question came out in an angry disbelief. “Don’t you dare start lying to me, Avi. You’ve done enough damage, I don’t need you— I don’t need you to lie to my face,” pleaded Magnus. The hurt in his voice stung Avi, but he didn’t back away.

When Avi took a step into the house, Magnus flinched and took a step back. “Dude,” another step forward, another step back, “I’m really trying to be truthful to you. I know I hurt you. I— I know I messed up. I’m not gonna deny that. I hurt you really badly and I don’t expect you to forgive me for that, but _please_ , let me talk. Let me apologize and explain things to you, and then I’ll be on my way. I just— I just don’t want you to be afraid of me anymore. And I know you don’t want to be afraid either.”

Magnus kept his mouth shut at that part. It took a while for either of them to move from their spot, but the first one to do so was Avi, who closed the door behind him and walked up to Magnus. Though the flinch was visible, he ignored it and instead walked to the living room he still knew by heart. “I’ll make it quick. I don’t want to be doing this just as much as you, but I know when I have to suck up and apologize for shit I did wrong,” Avi said.

“I really shouldn’t, you know. I really should just kick you out right now, like _you_ did.”

“Please, Magnus, I don’t have time to argue with you—”

“And I don’t want you in my house! I didn’t even invite you in! At least I wasn’t that much of an asshole when I came by.”

Avi gritted his teeth together in an attempt to hold any bitter remarks. _Just deal with it. You deserve it, anyway,_ he told himself. “Magnus, I don’t plan to be here long. I know you want me to leave, so I’ll make it quick. But I _need_ to say this to you, face to face. If you don’t want me here for closure, then at least think about Killian and Carey. If I just apologize and you hear me out, they don’t have to worry about us anymore,” he stressed. 

The mention of Killian and Carey must have broken something in Magnus’s rough, terrified exterior. He pushed aside his growing fear and took a few steps closer towards Avi. “Fine. _Fine_. I’ll let you talk, but you have to tell the truth,” Magnus attempted to sound more composed, even if his voice betrayed his act.

“I would never lie to you, Maggie.”

“I just… I wanna know why, and _how_. I know magic, obviously, but it’s…” Magnus paused and touched the middle of his chest, “it’s bad, Avi. Like, real bad. They didn’t even know what to do with me. Just healed what they could and sent me on my way with something to help with the occasional flare up, because it _does_ flare up. Badly. And I just don’t understand how you could do that.” 

The well-rehearsed lie was already in his mouth, but Avi found it excruciating to force it out of himself. _You’ll never know how much I hate lying to you,_ he thought. Avi didn’t allow himself to think too hard about that, knowing he would freak out if he did. “It was… it wasn’t intentional. I absolutely didn't mean to hurt you, no matter how mad I got. I didn’t even know it injured you that badly until Killian told me. I’m so, so sorry, Magnus. I can’t heal it obviously, but…”

“Avi, please, just get to my question,” sighed Magnus, who sat on his couch to keep himself from pacing. 

There is a part of Avi that wants to sit with Magnus, but he stops himself. _I don’t need to make him more tense. I just need to lie._ “Sorry, sorry. It’s just— it’s just hard to explain? Like, okay, Lup taught me magic! That’s literally the whole thing. I was just using it as an outlet for stress, okay? I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just mad and it got out of control. I don’t know how it got that bad, I can’t give you that answer, but that’s it!” Lying straight through his teeth still felt awful, but Avi couldn’t deny the unique thrill of saying the right words to make Magnus’s face soften.

“Lup… you’re still in contact with Lup? All the way in Goldcliff?” Magnus asked. He still looked confused, but Avi rolled with it, anyway.

“Of course I’m in contact with Lup! Come on, Magnus, I didn’t drop _everyone_ from high school. She can vouch for me on this—” _No the fuck she can’t—_ “but that’s not important. The important thing is that I fucked up! Probably won’t be following her stuff anymore, but that’s not her fault. It’s entirely mine, like, I’m not trying to blame Lup. Just know that this isn’t ever going to happen again.”

Processing the lie Avi fed to him, Magnus glanced downwards. His hand moved back to lie on the middle of his chest. “‘Fucked up’... that’s one way to put it,” he shrugged. “You know, I expected better from you, Avi. Like, not only did I not expect you to learn magic in the slightest, but it’s like… fuck, man. I don’t even know what to say.”

Avi had to stop himself from completely breaking down at that point. _You could’ve just said you hated me. I think that would hurt a lot less than this._

A solemn expression passed by Magnus’s face as he said, “I guess it’s good to know I was… partially right. Hah. You know, with you being stressed. I’m glad you’re stopping, though. While I admire and love Lup a lot, that obviously didn’t work out for, well, anyone.” Magnus let out a bitter laugh, his eyes still not meeting Avi’s. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Avi’s voice shook while he spoke in shocked disbelief that his lie continued to work, and from the pain that spread throughout his entire body. 

However, Avi knew he still had to push it to cement it as the truth. He knew that Magnus was still too afraid to completely take him for his word. It pained him to think about the words he needed to say, but Avi once again put aside his comfort to keep up his facade. “But, um… since that did not work out, and I’ve had some time to think about it… you think you can send me that list you wanted me to check out? The one that, uh, made me upset…”

Avi hated every word that came out of his mouth. He hated the feeling of asking for a therapist, so much so he didn’t even say the word, even when knowing he wouldn’t go through with it in the end. _I don’t need one, I don’t need one, I don’t fucking need one,_ he repeated to himself over again, but it only stoked the burning hatred of being so vulnerable with Magnus. Avi wished he could take those words back as soon as they left his mouth, he wished that they would disappear into thin air before Magnus heard them. A pathetic wish, when you think about it.

The hopeful spark in Magnus’s eyes as he looked up at him threw Avi off, but he tried not to show it. “Really? You— you really sure you wanna do it? No, uh, no magic spells you gonna blast me with this time?” he awkwardly joked, standing up with that terrible hope in his eyes. To save himself from saying the wrong thing, Avi nodded stiffly. “Oh, you won’t regret this, Vee. I’ll, gods, I’ll text you the ones ‘Creesh recommended to you later,” Magnus laughed in relief and placed his hands on Avi’s shoulders in a friendly manner, “Seriously, I know that once you go through it, you’ll be back to your usual self.”

 _I don’t want to go back. I want to be_ better _than that._ Avi couldn’t elaborate on that thought, for the weight of Magnus’s hands on his shoulders had sent that recognizable, smothering hunger for touch travelling through his entire nervous system. It made his entire body stiffen for a second, and a second only, before Avi crumbled into the arms of his close friend. It took all the energy he had to not claw at Magnus’s shirt and pull him closer, desperate for even more contact. “I- I’m sure I will,” he stuttered out, knowing full well how empty that statement was.

“Good… good,” Magnus pulled his hands away. Though his entire body felt like it could shatter without that heavy contact, Avi kept himself together. “Man, I’m sorry for acting so cold. I don’t know why I thought you were gonna, like, hurt me again? I was just being paranoid or something, I guess. C’mon, let me get you something to drink. You look… pretty shaken up. Is something wrong?”

“Huh? No, I’m fine,” Avi shook his head and stared at the ground, “Just, um, I expected that to go a lot worse. I thought— I thought there would’ve been a lot more fighting, and…” His skin was on fire once again, aching to have Magnus’s big, powerful arms around him. Gods, Avi just wanted to be held again. He just wanted touch. 

Magnus sighed and nudged Avi’s shoulder with his knuckles, an act that almost made the latter gasp and shudder. “Do you really think I’d hold a grudge that easily? I mean… you said it yourself, it was an accident. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts like shit and looks absolutely awful, but accidents happen, don’t they?” Avi couldn’t quite tell if his words were supposed to be comforting or not. They held this odd stiffness to them, like he forced them out the same way Avi forced his words out.

“I guess so,” Avi gave a faux-nonchalant shrug. In reality, his heartbeat was going a mile a minute. “I’m, uh, glad you’re not too upset about it? Again, I’m really sorry that it hurt. If I could, you know I’d try to help you with that,” he apologized again. _Stop apologizing, I’m pretty sure he gets it. It’s gonna sound so annoying,_ he mentally slapped himself.

The look Avi gave to his friend must have looked pathetic, as Magnus sighed through his nose and flashed a weak smile. “Yeah, I know. While you’re here though, do you want something to drink? You came all the way here to apologize, might as well get you something. Maybe we can play a game, too? We haven’t played much lately. I think that’d be nice,” Magnus offered through gritted teeth. 

Before Avi could reply, Magnus turned around and headed towards his kitchen. He rambled as he walked, “I’ll get you something! You make yourself at home, like you used to do. Man, I’m so glad you came here, and you agreed to get help? Avi, I always knew you’d realize I’m trying to help out with what’s best for you! You know, even if you do cast some evil wizard spells on me.”

Without the warmth of someone nearby, Avi stood where he was and stared at where Magnus had gone to, frozen in place. _I didn’t even agree on anything._ And while Avi argued with himself that he wanted to leave, deep down he knew that wasn’t true. He wanted to stay with Magnus and pretend like his life was normal again. 

_I’m getting cold. Why am I getting cold? It’s June already, Midsummer is coming up, why am I cold? I shouldn’t be cold. I should be warm. I want to be warm again._

“Magnus.” That rambling from the kitchen was still audible. “ _Magnus._ ” Words grew hard for Avi as he stumbled towards his friend. That’s what Magnus was— his friend. Even when Avi ran away from him, envied him, hurt him, Magnus remained being his friend. Would it be so wrong to stay with his friend, or ask for his warmth? When he entered the kitchen, Avi saw Magnus leaning into the open fridge, reaching for something out of his view. The warmth Avi sought after was right _there_. So he reached out for it, for Magnus’s wrist. “Magnus, I—”

The action came so quick, Avi hardly had any time to react properly. Magnus stood upright and tore his hand away from his grip with such urgency, one would’ve thought he was in danger. In his shock, he dropped the unopened can of beer he had gotten from his fridge. His eyes were full of pure terror, one similar to the look he gave when Johann initially burned his chest. It didn’t take any magic to understand why Magnus looked so fearful at such a simple touch.

_You’re still afraid of me._

“Ah— sorry, Avi! You, um, you caught— caught me off guard!” Magnus attempted to play it off with a laugh, but it just came out awkward and nervous. His attempts to act like he _wasn’t_ scared only made Avi feel worse. “Like, uh, seriously. I didn’t really think you were standing there, or that you were gonna grab me. That’s, that’s it! Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?”

Avi’s eyes fell to the can of beer on the ground before they flickered up to meet Magnus’s, who flinched at the movement. “I’m… gonna go, actually. Gonna give you some time to recover, since you clearly need it,” he huffed and turned around to leave. _I’m not gonna stay here if you’re just gonna be jumpy around me._ It sounded harsh, Avi was aware of that, but he knew it wouldn’t help either of them if he stayed.

Even then, Magnus tried to make him stay. Why he would do such a thing when he was so obviously afraid, Avi didn’t know, but hearing the frantic footsteps behind him as he reached the door made his heart ache. “Avi, don’t be like that. Seriously, I just got startled! That’s all! Please, dude, we can still hang out,” Magnus pleaded. And it almost convinced Avi, it really did. He wanted to hang out with Magnus. Of course he did. They were still friends.

So when Avi spun around suddenly, he genuinely wanted to give Magnus another chance. It was not supposed to be a test or a threat. Regardless, Magnus still tensed up and stepped away, one hand gripped around the middle of his chest in a protective stance. That set Avi’s decision in stone. “No. I know you need time, Magnus, and it’s _fine_. I’m not… I’m not taking offence to it, if that’s what you think. It’s fine that you need some time away from me after all this. I’m not blaming you,” he stuck his hands in his hoodie pockets with a sigh. 

“So I’ll go. Give you time. And when you think we can hang out without you being jumpy… and you have to be certain about it, don’t rush it even for Midsummer.” _Especially Midsummer. Please, don’t ask me to hang out on Midsummer._ “Only then we can visit each other properly. Does that sound good to you, Maggie?”

Whether or not Magnus was happy with the decision, he bit the inside of his cheek and shrugged. “I… I guess so, Vee,” he caved in. “I’m really glad you understand. I don’t want to be reacting like this, I really don’t. I just, um, I need some time to adjust. Wait for this pain—” Magnus tapped the middle of his chest, gaining a wince from himself— “to go away. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.”

The burn Avi got eight months ago, that travelled across his arm in intricate swirls of patterned fire, flared up when Magnus said that. _Guess that’s your answer._

“I hope so, too,” Avi gave a bitter smile as he turned to open the front door. Just before he took a step outside of his house, he twisted his head to face Magnus with wide, sad eyes. “I’ll be going now. See you… sometime soon?” His voice is painfully wishful, because even if it provided an excuse to hang out with Johann during the holiday, it didn’t mean he wanted Magnus to continue being in pain.

“Yeah… see ya soon,” Magnus whimpered. His words were weak and uneasy, like he didn’t even really believe what he was saying. _That’s fine, I don’t blame him,_ Avi told himself, but he couldn’t deny that it hurt him. 

Avi didn’t let himself wait any longer. He forced himself to turn right back around and exit the doorway, trying not to flinch when Magnus immediately slammed the door shut as soon as he took a couple steps. He forced himself to ignore the faintest sigh of relief from Magnus afterwards. Avi tried not to take it personally, he really tried not to, but the hot tears that streamed down his cold cheeks fell a lot faster than he expected them to.

  
“I… did not expect this costume, I’m going to be honest.”

“What? Werewolves aren’t even that outlandish for a costume,” Avi gave a little twirl to show off his outfit. It was a rather simple one: slightly torn-up shirt and jeans that showed a little more muscle than he intended, some light makeup that made his face look a little more grizzly with tufts of fur, a headband with fluffy dog ears, and a puffy tail tied to his belt. He didn’t even bother to cover up the scars that could be seen from his half-unbuttoned shirt. _No one’s gonna think much of it._

Johann, however, seemed to have thought a little too much of it. The room was boiling hot the longer Johann tried not to make eye contact with Avi. It was embarrassingly obvious what was making the room so hot and why, but Avi brushed it off as the summer heat. “It’s, um, not— not _bad._ No, no, no, of course not. I, uh, I really… like… it. I do, you look, erm, great,” he stuttered out, his eyes bouncing around everywhere but Avi.

“Aww, do I? Thank you, Johann,” Avi pushed away his long hair, which he let hang free with no hair tie. It was awkward, as he hadn’t let his hair grow out that long in his life, but he found that he liked how it looked on him. “It’s kind of basic, but you know what? I think I would make a good werewolf. Wouldn’t I?” 

_The heat is unbearable_ , Avi noticed, and scratched the back of his neck. “Uh-huh… you sure would,” Johann mumbled and forced himself to face Avi. “Anyway, um, aren’t we supposed to get going? The eclipse isn’t gonna wait for us, you know…” 

“Right! Yeah, we should get going.” The smile Avi flashed was toothy and awkward, the fake fangs he glued to his teeth for that extra charm peeking out under his lips. He grabbed the violin case on the coffee table next to him and solar viewers for himself. “Were you ever able to see the eclipse while in that room? I mean, there was a window, right?” he asked as he left his apartment.

It took a few minutes for Johann to answer. Avi rested his head on the elevator wall in silence until Johann finally replied, “It was difficult to see the eclipse most of the time. The only window just doesn’t really face the right way. At some point I didn’t bother trying to look. It was just… depressing to be reminded of how time flew by. Eventually I lost track of time itself and didn’t even know when Midsummer was, so I couldn’t really check.” 

_You were all alone in there for a really long time. I keep forgetting about that… That feels kind of ironic._ Avi scratched the back of his ear right under the metal headband. “Well, at least you’ll get to spend this Midsummer with me,” he mumbled.

“It’ll be nice to see it. The eclipse, I mean. I haven’t seen it in so long. I honestly don’t remember much of it,” Johann admitted, a bittersweet tone in his voice. “I’m sure you’ll make this day memorable, though.”

 _Ding!_ The doors of the elevator opening brought Avi out of his conversation. He rushed out of the doors of the building and into the hot summer air, the puff of heat nearly making him cough. The added heat from Johann’s body didn’t make it any easier, and he was suddenly glad for the dozens of rips in his clothes. 

The bus to the Sea of Gardens was rather unremarkable. People in costumes were scattered about, children so excited and loud their voices made Avi’s ears ring, but overall, it was mundane. It was _normal._ The normal Avi used to dread every year, but found that he took comfort in it as he gripped the metal pole that kept him steady.

 _These people don’t have to worry about bringing your ghost crush to life… At least I hope they don’t._ Avi glanced towards Johann, who looked around the giant metal carriage with large eyes full of awe. The sight made Avi’s heart swell in joy, and he nearly stumbled when the bus slammed to a stop that wasn’t theirs. _I guess I’m the lucky one, if it meant I got to meet him._

“Avi, where are we going? I mean, I know we’re going to watch the eclipse, but you never said where. This all looks so different, I don’t know where I am,” Johann gripped Avi’s shirt as if he were about to fall, but he didn’t seem unstable at all. He had a bashful look on his face that he tried to hide by looking around the bus again, but Johann still planted his warm hands on Avi’s chest.

“Do you remember the Sea of Gardens? Like, was that a thing back then or something?” whispered Avi, who kept his voice low. It was still awkward talking to Johann in public, but he wasn’t as embarrassed about it as he used to be. 

“Yes, it still existed ‘back then.’ It was a park. A really, really beautiful park. I didn’t always have the time to go there, but when I did, I always loved it. The gardens there were pretty.”

 _I wonder if it looks different to you. How much of it has changed? Would you even remember what it used to look like?_ These thoughts troubled Avi, so he discarded them as much as he could. “Well, that’s where we’re going. It’s a pretty popular destination for eclipse-watching. There’s a quiet spot there where we can just be alone, though,” Avi explained. “I found it myself during my first Midsummer in Neverwinter. I never took anyone there, not even Magnus, Killian or Carey. It has a nice view of Bluelake.”

“Bluelake? I thought it was Blacklake?”

“Right, they changed the name after you died. Don’t ask me why, history wasn’t my strong suit,” Avi shrugged and adjusted his grip on the pole he clung onto, the violin case in his other hand almost slipping. His hands were sweaty from Neverwinter’s naturally hot summer, plus the added heat from Johann. It was extremely uncomfortable, but he also wanted to be close to him, regardless. _This was better during the winter. You know, when I was freezing my ass off._

Johann let the conversation end there, but he never let go of Avi’s shirt. Not even when they finally got to their stop and Avi hopped off the bus and headed straight through the entrance of the Sea of Gardens. Loads of people dressed in costumes walked around the park; most laying on the grass to get a good view of the sun, others tucked neatly into the shade of nearby trees to eat whatever Midsummer junk they bought, some exploring the paths that weaved through the gorgeous gardens to inspect the plants. 

“It looks… this place looks the same. I mean, well, plants may be different and there’s a few new paths and gardens I’m pretty sure weren’t here, but it still looks the same. I’ve walked here before, I’ve spent Midsummer walking this same path.” Though he had no need for breath, Johann sounded like he was hyperventilating. He whimpered, “But everything else has changed so drastically… I don’t know which one is scarier: that the world changed without me, or that there are places that have stayed with me.”

Avi made his way through the winding paths towards Bluelake, the sound of lake waves getting closer as he moved. “I really can’t imagine how hard it will be to adjust, but I’m gonna try my best to help you out when the time comes. Maybe we can figure out what happened to your friends, maybe your old home. Stuff you can find on the internet. If that’s okay with you,” he offered. 

“Maybe. We’ll see if we get to that point.”

 _We’re getting closer._ The sound of people talking grew distant as Avi walked off the main path into a greener part of the park, the trees and shrubs thick as he pushed past them. Though there was no clear path leading the way, Avi knew where he was going. When he looked at the time on his phone, he was glad to see that they were just in time for the eclipse, even a little early. They would have some time to relax near the lake before the big event.

It was only when he heard the crunch of rocks and gravel instead of grass and leaves did Avi realize he was at the area. It looked just as he left it last time— a small beach with privacy provided by rocks and bushes. Marigolds decorated the grassy parts of the spot, lovely blossoms of golden yellow against the green and greys of the earth below them. _Did someone come by and plant them here? I don’t think these flowers grow around this area._

“I can see why you come here. It’s nice,” Johann spoke up, his grip on Avi’s shirt loosening. He looked up at the sun where the edge of the moon, Selûne, pushed its way in front, its movement agonizingly slow. “It’s quiet. I like the quiet.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want to bring you somewhere you didn’t like,” Avi hummed and sat down a little closer to the lake, pushing his tail out of the way to make room for himself. The water rolled against the earth in lazy waves in a hypnotic pattern. It was calming to hear nothing but those waves. He put on those solar viewers and pointed up at the sun, “Selûne’s getting closer. You can see it without the glasses, right?”

Johann sat to the right of Avi, though his eyes were focused on a marigold in front of him. “Yeah, I can see it. I don’t exactly have any physical eyes to burn, so I’m fine,” he shrugged. He looked up from the flower and up into the sun. An amused huff came out from his lips. “You gonna start howling?”

“Huh?”

“You know. Since you’re a werewolf.”

“Pfft. I’m not _that_ in-character,” Avi giggled. His arm shifted to nudge Johann’s shoulder like he would with any other friend, but it phased through his arm like always. Not that either of them cared. Johann hadn’t looked bothered by the action. “Hey, if you could, what would you be dressed up as for Midsummer?”

The thought hadn’t crossed Johann’s mind, Avi realized when he saw the confused look on his face. He turned his gaze back down to the flower in front of him and reached his hand out to touch a petal. “Hm… I don’t know. I didn’t dress up much back when I was alive, I think. Maybe I would’ve just worn a werewolf outfit like you to match. I’m not very creative when it comes to these costumes,” Johann mumbled. 

Avi grinned and laid his back down against the ground, the violin case resting on his lap as he tucked his arms under his head like a pillow. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Johann, who glimmered in the Sun’s remaining rays like a burning flame. “That’s okay. I mean, I did pick a generic werewolf in the end,” he said. “You like it, though. So much so you couldn’t even let go of it, eh?”

A flash of heat radiated from Avi’s side, and his efforts to hold in his laughter were almost futile. “I— Well, yeah, of course I like it. You, you look… great. It’s… well-made. You look h… awesome. I like it, is— is that so bad?” Johann stuttered out. His stare didn’t break away from the flower, but Avi could see the embarrassment on his face if he craned his neck a bit.

“C’mon, JJ, I’m just playing with you,” Avi felt his face grow hot, “but I’m glad you think that. I’d be even more glad if you laid down with me. Things are getting more interesting up there.” He pointed up towards the sky again, where Selûne was finally gaining more territory on the sun, almost a quarter of the way through. The sky grew noticeably darker as more and more of the Sun got covered.

Eventually Johann laid down, though he left a space between the two of them that made Avi’s heart ache a little more than he expected it to. Johann’s eyes stared up at the Sun with a sparkle of awe. “I forgot how fucked up eclipses are. This doesn’t feel real,” he laughed. His hand wandered to Avi’s side, but didn’t move past that. 

_I should be paying attention to the eclipse. I should,_ Avi scolded, but his eyes kept wandering back to stare at Johann’s face. When he noticed Johann’s hand next to him, he reached into the pocket of his jeans as discreetly as he could. The fabric of his gloves were light but were meant to provide warmth, not suited for the June weather. But who was he to pass up an opportunity to hold Johann’s hand? It was the only reason Avi had even thought to stuff those gloves into his pockets.

While the eclipse distracted Johann, Avi took the time to place the glove on his hand and slip it into Johann’s. However, what Avi didn’t expect was for him to tighten his grip almost instantly, but he didn’t seem too aware of what he was doing. “Look, Avi, it’s getting dark,” Johann’s voice shook with uncontained excitement. “It’s going so fast, it’s almost covered up now. That’s crazy. Look up!”

Why should he? Avi didn’t _want_ to look at the eclipse. He refused to look away from Johann, and although his hand grew burning hot, he only held on tighter. It was comforting. Everything about that Midsummer was comforting, like a paradise amidst the stress Avi had been under for almost a year. Why would he want to look at anything else when Johann was right there with him? Every small detail of him, including the crack along his body that Avi had gotten so used to he couldn’t imagine Johann without it, shone under the fleeting light from above.

“Hey, the Sun is in the sky, not my face.”

The comment yanked Avi out of his trance. Though Johann did not face him, he had a sheepish look on his face as he stared up at the darkening sky. “I can feel you looking, Avi. Is there something on my face? Surely it can’t be more interesting than _this_!” Johann moved to lift his left arm to point upwards, but quickly noticed Avi’s hand holding his. Only then does he look away from the eclipse— risking his chance to see the event he hadn’t seen in a couple centuries— to look back at Avi. “Oh! You’re, you’re— um, holding my hand. Did you bring a glove just for this??”

Avi almost couldn’t answer. Every inch of his body ached to lean in and kiss Johann in that very moment. It would’ve been perfect, it really would’ve. What better would a kiss just before the Midsummer eclipse be? Avi’s lips, his skin, his bones, his _heart_ , they yearned to lean in and capture Johann’s lips in his.

But Avi knew better. 

Instead, he squeezed Johann’s hand with the glove that hardly kept them connected in any sense of the word, “Yeah… I did. Guess that’s kinda cringe.”

“The only thing that would be ‘cringe’ is if we miss the full eclipse,” Johann looked back up at the sky. It had gotten so dark, and Selûne was only a few seconds away from completely covering the Sun. “Do me a favour and watch it with me? Don’t look at me. Just look at the eclipse. For me.” After he asked his question, Johann gave Avi’s hand a tight squeeze.

The only thing worse than not looking at Johann was making him upset. Even if it was the last thing he wanted to do, Avi looked up just in time to see the full eclipse in the sky. 

As the moon held the star’s hand for a few brief moments as they did every year, so close yet so agonizingly far, they plunged the world below them into a dark twilight. Johann tightened his grip on Avi’s hand, speechless with an unneeded breath caught in his throat. Avi could do nothing but caress the back of Johann’s hand with his thumb in response, ignoring the immense flare up in his arm the longer he held onto his burning star’s hand.

When Selûne passed far enough for light to return to the world, Johann let out a shaky exhale and ripped his hand away from Avi’s. He sat up and clutched at his chest with short, quick breaths. Avi immediately disregarded the eclipse and sat up to look at Johann. “Hey— hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay??” he questioned, his voice filled with a genuine concern.

“I’m— I’m fine. I just feel… my chest feels hot. The, um, my scar feels hot, too. It’s fine though, it doesn’t hurt, it’s just hot,” Johann panted out, his hand clawing at the crack that dipped into his chest. “My violin is okay, right? You didn’t break it?”

The accusation stung, Avi wouldn’t lie, but he knew it was a genuine concern. He popped open the case and pulled the violin out to inspect it. Aside from the marks from centuries to even months before, nothing looked out of place. “It looks fine to me. Are you sure you’re okay, Johann?” Avi asked.

Johann examined his violin thoroughly, almost like he didn’t believe what Avi told him, but dropped his hand and turned away when he found nothing. “Yes, I’m sure. Guess I was just imagining it.” A few seconds of quietness, the sound of light ripples from the lake and the insects around them buzzing in the air being their only source of noise before Johann mumbled, “I’m sorry for ruining the eclipse… It still looks nice, though.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Avi assured. _You couldn’t even if you tried._ He glanced up at the sky again, where the Sun slipped out of Selûne’s hold, the two beginning to part. “We can still watch a little more until Selûne is completely away from the Sun. Then we can grab a snack to eat or something? Well, I would be the one eating, since you can’t— You get what I mean, right?”

“Yes, I get what you mean.” The tense look on Johann softened he spoke, even if he still sat in discomfort. His eyes wandered to Avi’s face, a look of pleasant surprise on his face. “Oh, oh gods…” he muttered in star-struck awe of something Avi couldn’t see.

Avi glanced around the area with a bit of tension in his jaw. He looked around and questioned, “Is, uh, is something wrong, Johann? Or is there something on my face?” He turned back to Johann, who continued to stare at him, but now a warm smile graced his sight. 

After a beat of hesitation, Johann reached his hand upwards and tucked a piece of Avi’s long hair behind his ear, that awestruck expression never leaving him. The simple act made Avi’s face grow hotter than the Sun, and he didn’t fail to notice how Johann’s hand stayed there, even when his hair was secure behind his ear. “I like your hair at this length,” Johann stated bluntly, but the pure expression of adoration on his face never left him. “You look… nice.”

“N- nice?”

“Yeah. It looks nice… maybe even pretty.”

“I’ll, uh, wow— I’ll be sure to remember that,” Avi tensed up, his cheek burning up as Johann’s hand hovered so close to it. He couldn’t even come up with a funny quip with how still and unmoving he was. Terrified to stumble and make the wrong move. What that “wrong move” consisted of was a mystery even to Avi, but he would not risk finding that out.

The total stillness lasted a second before Johann pushed his hand from Avi’s ear to the top of his head. His fingers brushed against the fuzzy wolf ears for just a moment, and it brought such a quiet laugh from Johann that anyone else would’ve mistaken it for the wind, but Avi knew. Avi knew so much about Johann, just hearing that tiny laugh made his heart pound faster. 

“A… Avi. Avi…” Johann muttered, almost completely incoherent if they weren’t so close. _Yeah, that’s my name,_ Avi thought, almost dumbfounded. “...Avi. Yes, that’s right. Avi.” Johann said that name like it was foreign to him. He spoke his name in such a way that Avi couldn’t help but think he said it to keep it from slipping away. Avi should’ve questioned it right away, he knew he should’ve, but something kept his mouth shut and fixated on Johann’s lips, and how they looked as they mouthed his name.

Regardless, Johann quieted down and allowed his hand to travel across Avi’s hair, the one part of him that he could physically hold. He moved down a loose strand and twirled between with his translucent fingers. “I’m sorry for not asking first. Am I bothering you?” he asked, as if he snapped back into reality. It was at that moment he realized just how _tired_ Johann looked.

“It’s fine… But, like, what are you doing?”

“I’m just admiring you…r hair. Your hair. I really like it. Did I tell you I really like it?”

“Yeah. You did.”

“Well, I’m saying it again. I like it when you keep your hair down. I wouldn’t… tell you how to style it or whatever, but it looks nice. Really matches you,” Johann’s hand fell from the long section of hair, and Avi almost wished he didn’t. 

Johann rubbed his neck and laid his head on Avi’s scarred shoulder, and although the latter squirmed under the unbearable heat, he didn’t move. “Is it okay if I stay here until the moon leaves the Sun? I’m a little tired. And you’re… you’re comfortable to lie on,” he whispered.

It burned. It really, truly burned… but it was _touch._ It was the touch Avi’s body grew sore without— the touch he wanted so badly, even if his scars screamed at him to pull away. He replied with a strained voice, “Y- yeah, it’s okay. It’s okay.” If Johann heard the strain, then he didn’t question it. He only nuzzled his head deeper into Avi’s shoulder, his eyes fixated on the sky, and relaxed.

Avi didn’t get to relax. His skin screamed and burned through every second the moon grazed the star’s existence, but he refused to let it spill from his lips. Avi even gripped Johann’s hand again to feel more of that mass of a body against him, which the latter didn’t object to. It continued to ache until they stood up and left the forgotten clearing after who knows how long they sat there. And as they left, Avi couldn’t help but notice that Johann brought the scent of ashes and marigolds with him.

  
“Long time no see, eh?”

_Tap tap tap._

“Last time we saw each other, I chucked a pillow at you.”

_Tap._

“Sorry about that. You didn’t deserve it.”

_…_

“Or maybe you deserved it. I don’t know,” Avi shrugged. Moonlight illuminated the dark figure of the raven upon his windowsill, just barely. He stood in front of it awkwardly, but there wasn’t much else he could do. “You’re a weird guy, you know? You show up one day while I’m talking with Carey, and now you pop in whenever you feel like you can. And I know it’s just you. I don’t know how, I can just tell.”

The corvid cocked its head sideways, like it was listening to his words. Avi leaned his head against the window and examined what he could of the street below him like he always did. He rambled, “Johann and I called Lucas earlier. First time the two had seen each other in a while. Lucas was… passive aggressive, to say the least. I know he’s still angry at me for my feelings, but hey, he didn’t say anything to Johann. I gotta give him that. I thought it was gonna be, uh, gonna be a lot worse.”

A pause. The raven didn’t respond. Of course it wouldn’t, it’s a bird. “...I don’t know why I told you that,” Avi admitted, “I don’t expect you to respond. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I have a lot of things I have on my mind that I just can’t seem to say to anyone.” It felt silly talking to a bird that couldn’t respond, but it was far from the weirdest thing Avi had experienced the past few months. Not to mention that, somehow, he felt that the raven could hear and understand him.

“What’s your deal, anyway? Are you, like, one of those familiar things? Maybe Magnus is right, maybe I am turning into some shitty witch,” Avi snorted, but his joke came out flat, and the raven just tapped its beak against his window again. 

Avi blew some hair out of his face, which only fell back down on his eyes. He bent down to reach the raven’s eye level, “Tough crowd, huh? Well, I’m not letting you in, if that’s what you want. We can’t even keep dogs in this place. No dogs in the apartment. I mean, you’re not a dog, but if we can’t let dogs in, I highly doubt they would let a raven in. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re not even a regular raven. Fucked up raven moments, hah.”

The raven let out a croak muffled by the glass between them. It spread its wings out slightly, which made Avi realize just how big the bird really was. He couldn’t tell if it was the size of an average raven or not, since he never really paid attention to those sorts of things. “Chill, dude, didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. I just can’t let you in. You’re obviously some magic shit or something. I hope you can understand.”

 _You’re weird,_ thought Avi as the raven let its wings return to its sides. “Sorry for being… an ass or whatever. I don’t know why you’re here or what you mean, but I shouldn’t have thrown that pillow at you. You flew away really quickly when I did that. I… feel bad about it,” he apologized. His shoulders relaxed the more he spoke with the bird, even though it never responded other than a few mindless taps on the window. “I don’t know. I’m just thinking a lot tonight. Can hardly sleep because of it.”

The feeling Avi got in his chest felt strange. He felt compelled to talk more about his worries out loud, and whether that was the fault of the raven wasn’t clear. _Maybe I just need to get the weight off my shoulders. About the call, about everything. I guess. That’s not inherently magical or supernatural— that’s just human._ I’m _just human. I’m allowed to talk about how I’m feeling._

“It’s just… this whole situation is fucked up. Nothing we do is ever guaranteed— every single possible is up in the air. If everything goes right, what would we do next? He wouldn’t— Johann technically doesn't _exist_ anymore. He has no immediate family, no place of residence, no papers to prove he even exists. And even if that didn’t matter, would he go back to class? Live a normal life, as if he hasn’t lost everyone he knew? All he has is me. How could he even function after centuries of… trauma, it’s _trauma!_ He says he’s fine, that he came to accept that years ago, but… I don’t believe him.

“That’s not even mentioning what happens if it… if it doesn’t work. I try not to think about it, but— it got brought up during the call and I really had to try not to cry. What if the spell doesn’t work and Johann’s still a ghost? Still a ghost that’s slowly losing his memories, his soul. Never getting his emotions to rest, never really passing on. It would let me have more time with him, but in the end he’d just get prolonged suffering. I don’t think I’m selfish enough to want that for him, even if it meant more time. That’s not even mentioning the possibility of the spell not working and he… he…” The rest of his sentence never left his mouth. Avi couldn’t even imagine saying it out loud.

 _It’s hard. All of this— it’s hard._ Avi glanced down at the raven who gazed at him. “You’re still here, huh? I would’ve thought you flew away by now, what with all my rambling,” he chuckled, but it came out dry and humourless. “You can go away now. I have nothing else to say.

 _Tap tap._ The corvid’s beak continued to knock against the glass.

“I told you, I’m not letting you in. What do you want? Food? I don’t even know what you eat. If you eat.”

…

“I love Johann. A lot. I don’t want him to die again.”

_Tap._

“I’m also scared that I won’t tell him how I feel. It’s scarier than the thought of rejection, ‘cause at least I know how he’ll feel about me. What if I don’t tell him before Lucas does his necromancy shit and he…” Avi still hesitated to finish saying that sentence. It physically couldn’t come out of his mouth, stuck in his throat, almost choking. “He would never know how I feel. I think that would be worse than rejection. That doesn’t mean I’m still not scared of it. How could I possibly find the words to tell him that won’t come off… come off so _me_?”

The raven didn’t tap its beak against the window again, as if it were satisfied with Avi’s words. It hopped along the windowsill almost, like a dance. The light of the moon dancing across its pitch black feathers in a mesmerizing way that Avi couldn’t help but smile. “I think you’d be funnier if you weren’t so cryptic, though. I don’t exactly look forward to your presence every… month? Yeah, you’ve been making yourself quite at home on my window. You should start paying rent,” he said.

A yawn fell out of Avi’s lips before he could say anything else. “Yeesh, I’m a lot more tired than I thought I was. I guess I really did just need to get things off my chest,” Avi rolled his shoulders, hissing as he felt the scars on his right arm contort awkwardly. “This hasn’t been feeling any better since Midsummer, but… nothing awful this month. I’d say I’m healing, but I wouldn’t know. Merle doesn’t seem too convinced that it is.”

Rambling. Avi fell back into rambling, one finger placed on the glass where the raven’s head was. “Speaking of which, I hope Magnus’s injury isn’t too bad. I mean, I didn’t see it when I visited, but surely whatever scar he got isn’t as big as mine? Johann only put one hand on his chest, and he wasn’t nearly as angry as when the whole party fight happened. Maybe it healed quicker? I don’t know. It still has me worried, like, I worry for h—”

 _Caw!_ The raven’s wings battered against the window just before it hopped off the side of the apartment, melting into the dead of night like it did the last time it stopped by. “Huh. Just wanted to hear my trauma and dipped. Guess this is that therapy shit you wanted me to try out, huh, Maggie?” Avi asked into the open air, a tight grin on his lips. He gripped his right arm and dug his fingers into the scarred skin as he fought back the urge to throw a punch at the window.

 _It’s not fair. None of this is fair. I’ll never be able to talk to anyone about this. No one in this goddamn existence would ever understand any of this._ Every acrid emotion sunk deep into Avi’s skin, and it mixed into the ache that lived in his bones into a horrible poison. _I just want to talk to someone. I don’t want to be alone in this. This isn’t how I wanted to grow from who I used to be. I didn’t want to grow to be alone._

That terrible poison boiled in Avi’s bloodstream. It filled his body with such vitriolic pain that he had hidden within the depths of his scars and memories, before Johann came into his life. A pain of being lost and alone in this world, a path once so clear, beaten down until it couldn’t go forward. He had his path— it was Johann, of course. However, in that moment of bubbling pain, even that path felt lonely.

The pain gnawed at every crevice of Avi’s body. It clawed to make a grand exit, for Avi to channel his pain into something, _anything._ Although it felt so physically awful to hold it back, Avi bottled his poison and sealed its cap tightly. The cool fabric of his weighted blanket pushed that bottle back into the deep recesses of his soul as he crawled under its mass. 

Under that blanket, Avi’s hands find their way to a familiar plush. The Voidfish was still Johann’s, it’s what Avi gifted him on Candlenights. But he couldn’t help but notice that Johann had gifted it back in a strange way— whenever he felt awful and Johann wasn’t available, the jellyfish would always be right under his covers, its cap still warm from the ghost that held it. Avi couldn’t deny that it made him feel a little better.

The subtle scent of marigolds from the Voidfish kissed Avi’s face as he drifted into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u believe I’m past 100K??? crazy! so if u have stuck around with this incredibly niche johavi fic for 100K slutty, slutty words,,,, just know that i love you personally. tysm and have a good one :}!

**Author's Note:**

> if ur reading this ur lgbt+ and most likely yearning sorry i don’t make the rules i just state the facts. also thanks to the johavi server for existing! i know i don’t talk there like at all, but everyone in there has made me feel very comfortable and helped me in writing this even though i’ve never rlly talked. so love u guys no homo


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